In the previous episode of Poldark, Ross trademarked the title of World’s Most Neglectful Husband, Demelza started considering the idea of having sex with someone who doesn’t just roll over after and immediately resume talking about saving poor people, and, in spectacular drama queen fashion, Agatha spilled the beans about Valentine’s paternity and then promptly croaked. Will Ross apologize for everything (i.e. cheating, having a kid with his ex, years of being emotionally unavailable, cutting his hair too short last season, etc.) and encourage Demelza to write a Lemonade-style diss album about him? Will Demelza get her groove back with Prison Bestie? Will Agatha’s ghost put toads in Malfoy’s pants or just flat-out murder him? (I’m down for either, honestly.) Only one way to find out! On with the show!
Ross and Demelza stand over Agatha’s mud grave, wondering the same things we viewers are still asking ourselves:
- Why couldn’t someone unfunny have died instead?
- Why couldn’t literally anyone else have died instead?
- Is it wrong that I’m okay with using blood magic to bring her back?
- Why didn’t Agatha’s tarot cards warn her to hide that family Bible so she could keep randomly lying about her age and live to twerk at her birthday bash?
- Would it be tacky to inscribe “It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to” on Agatha’s tombstone?
Across town, Malfoy writes another entry about Valentine in his burn book, while Elizabeth works up a sweat pretending not to know why he started despising her baby all of a sudden. Malfoy announces that he will move to London, if he is elected to Parliament. In that case, count me in on canvassing and going door-to-door for his campaign. Make Cornwall Great (and Malfoy-Less) Again!
Over at Blondie and Doc’s house, OMG HORACE THE PUG IS BACK, MORE BEAUTIFUL AND BODY-POSITIVE THAN EVER!
My mouth literally fell open upon the sight of his bodaciousness. (Yes, I realize I have an unhealthy obsession with this animal, and no, I don’t want help.)
Upon seeing Malfoy, Horace sends a Who’s this schmuck? look his way, before being carried out of the room like the regal prince he is. The camera unfortunately doesn’t follow him, but stays with Malfoy, who quizzes Doc on why Valentine was born with nails, smooth skin, and cool hair like Ross’ if he was allegedly premature. Doc considers channeling Maury and screaming “YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!” in Malfoy’s stupid, punchable face.
But he plays dumb instead because he’s had enough drama in his life for one year. Snacking on macarons > French firing squads and baby daddy drama.
At the edge of a cliff, Demelza stares at the portrait Prison Bestie sketched of her. To cheat or not to cheat, that is the question. Under normal circumstances, I’d advise against it, but, after watching Ross treat Demelza like steaming garbage for three seasons, I say, go for it! Prison Bestie is super hot in a I-just-got-my-driver’s-license kind of way. He’ll do.
But Demelza doesn’t receive my telepathic encouragement because she crumples up the sketch and throws it off the cliff. Just ‘cause your husband makes you miserable doesn’t mean you should litter!
Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc advises Gross Goblin to cool it on the traumatizing-Morwenna-with-kinky-sex front if he wants to avoid crushing his unborn baby. Gross Goblin is outraged. He’s a Samantha! He needs sexual healing! But then he remembers the feet of Morwenna’s sister, Jennifer Lawrence, and vows to slobber over them soon.
When Demelza returns home from trashing the planet, Prison Bestie greets her with flowers. She makes this face, which translates to: I wanna sex you up!
Ross eventually interrupts their flirty hang. In a nothing-romantic-to-see-here maneuver, Demelza says, “Look! Prison Bestie brought me a plant!” Nice try, Demelza. What’s next? “Prison Bestie was just keeping my lips warm with his mouth”?
After Prison Bestie leaves because it’s awkward, Ross lectures Demelza on having common sense and not cheating. Demelza quotes her favorite line from Bridesmaids:
Mrs. Pigpen (the maid) performs a cheer advocating for Demelza to get it on with Prison Bestie. Gimme an A, gimme a D, gimme a U, L, T, E, R, Y! What does that spell? KARMA!
Over at the Heartbreak Hotel, Drake is still keeping busy hammering hot metal or whatever (he has a lot of time on his hands now that he doesn’t have to spend all of his days randomly letting toads loose for Morwenna). Sam pauses his 5293rd reread of the Bible to recommend that Drake make baby Jesus really happy by getting married. Bone Maraca Pirate’s daughter shows up out of nowhere to preach some feminist Gospel: Why get married, just for a husband to control and ignore you, when you could stay single and do whatever you want?
Demelza insists marriage doesn’t have to suck, if you choose the right guy. Move over, Cleopatra. There’s a new Queen of Denial.
Fast forward to Election Day. Ross and Demelza think Malfoy is way too evil and unqualified to have a chance at winning his bid for Parliament. They go to the pub to celebrate as the results come in. But things don’t go their way. Malfoy manages to win somehow. Everything seems wrong and topsy-turvy. They flip through the stages of grief (minus the acceptance part) a thousand times in an hour, before sticking with desperate depression. Sound familiar to anyone?
Across town, Morwenna goes into labor. Gross Goblin prays out loud for her to die in childbirth so he can get to know her sister’s toes. He is disappointed when both wife and son survive. Can Jennifer Lawrence put poison in his food or cut off his tongue or whatever she’s plotting already?
Back at the sad election party, Malfoy strolls in to gloat. It isn’t long before he and Ross are hurling insults. Malfoy says he doesn’t give a you-know-what about securing a proper headstone for Agatha (did he not like my inscription idea?), so Ross offers to talk to Elizabeth about it; she’s a former Poldark, after all, and so is her son… Geoffrey Charles. Malfoy screams, “DAMN YOU, ROSS! DAMN YOUR BLOOD!” Fight, fight, fight! Put Malfoy’s head in the fireplace like that one time!
Alas, calmer heads prevail, and Ross and Demelza leave the bar.
By the time Malfoy gets home, Elizabeth is already researching which hipster neighborhood in London she wants to live in. Malfoy tells her that she won’t be moving, which disappoints her for some reason. He hates you and your kids, and just bullied an old lady to death. A life without having to cozy up to Voldemort Jr. everyday? Consider it a win!
Over at Gross Goblin’s house, Morwenna looks down at her new baby and thinks, Eww. Meanwhile, in another room, Gross Goblin peeps through a crack in the wall at Jennifer Lawrence soaping up her feet in the bath. He rushes to Morwenna’s bed and rips the covers off of her. Despite Doc’s advice to practice abstinence while Morwenna heals, Gross Goblin demands that she close her eyes and take it. She screams no repeatedly. I’ve got no jokes for this scene. Can we dial down all this rape, Poldark writers? Geez!
The next day, Morwenna, who’s been put through enough, has to sit through tea with Elizabeth, the architect of her misfortune. “I confess, cousin, I’d hoped to see you stronger,” Elizabeth says. The nerve! Why hasn’t Agatha’s ghost smashed a pie in her face yet?
Proving that maybe she’s only 99.9% evil, Elizabeth admonishes Gross Goblin for not letting Morwenna see a doctor and calls for Doc, who comes over to repeat: Dude! Cool it with all the raping please!
The next day, Ross runs into Elizabeth at the cemetery. They consider having the exchange most exes have:
Ex #1: Oh. Hey. How are you?
Ex #2: Fine.
Ex #1: Same.
Ex #2: Okay, bye!
But Ross and Elizabeth decide to messily hash out all of their problems instead.
Ross: We dated so long ago. Why does Malfoy still care so much?
Elizabeth: Um, are you dumb? You and I have a secret love child together!
Ross: WHAT?!? For some reason, I’ve never once considered that possibility, despite it being so plainly obvious to anyone with a brain!
Elizabeth: Someone must have told him, but who?
Agatha’s Ghost: Okay, wow, you two are equally dumb and belong together.
Ross: Anyway, no biggie! Just lie to Malfoy. That’s what I always do with my wife.
Elizabeth: Perfect, not-at-all-deceitful plan! What could go wrong?
Then Ross cradles Elizabeth’s face with both hands.
And kisses her on her forehead.
And on her upper cheek.
And on her lower cheek.
And finally on her mouth.
Mrs. Pigpen sees the whole thing.
Later, Ross opens up to Demelza. (There’s a sentence that’s never appeared in these recaps.) He admits to loving Elizabeth (!) and kissing her (!!!), but assures Demelza that it’s not romantic love anymore, and that he’s changed for the better, thanks to being married to her. Woah. What just happened? Ross taking accountability, and being honest and emotionally vulnerable? Am I watching the right show?
Boooo, it was just a dream sequence! In reality, Ross is rude to Demelza for no reason and barks at her to stop asking him questions. Sounds about right.
At a house party later that day, Prison Bestie is done with talking in sexy riddles. He goes right up to Demelza and says he loves her more than life. Okay, dude, cool your jets, you’ve hung out like three times.
He goes on: “It is not perfection I seek. ‘Tis flesh. And blood.”
In a separate room, Ross argues with Prison Bestie’s uncle over whether poor people are human or not, but cuts the debate short by saying: “I think I must rejoin my wife. She will think I’ve abandoned her.” TOO LATE, ROSS.
Ross returns to the party to find Demelza serenading Prison Bestie with a song about how much they want to have sex with each other, but maybe shouldn’t.
Over at Toe Jam HQ, Morwenna receives a package from Drake. I hope it’s a toad! Oh, it’s a necklace of her and her baby. That works too, I guess.
In the other room, Jennifer Lawrence sits on Gross Goblin’s lap and rips open her top. Wait, what?? This whole time, she hasn’t been hatching some revenge scheme, but instead just wanted a piece of that toe-gobbling action?
Across town, Ross continues lying about what happened at the cemetery, while demanding that Demelza come clean about having the hots for Prison Bestie. Demelza doesn’t deny it and asks for an open relationship.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Ross. You made your bed. Now sleep in it… alone!
HONORABLE MENTION: The City of London. Thanks for taking Malfoy off our hands.
BRONZE: Garrick the Dog. Some of you are annoyed I only ever mention Horace the Pug. (Like Prison Bestie, I can’t help who I fall in love with!) So here’s a shiny little shout-out to Garrick for being cute in his own way.
SILVER: Prison Bestie. Hat tip for being bold and recently making it through puberty without ever getting a single zit.
GOLD: Demelza. Get it, girl.