In the previous episode of Poldark, Drake’s love of unfunny toad pranks almost got him killed, Morwenna was forced into marrying a toe-gobbling goblin, and Doc waged a crusade against macarons and sex with his wife. Will Drake get shot at or imprisoned again, cementing his reputation as the Suge Knight of 18th-century Cornwall? Will Morwenna let her toe nails grow really long as a defense mechanism against her new husband’s foot fetish? Will Doc’s PTSD stop hogging all the screen-time so we can get a Horace the Pug storyline or two? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
We were all expecting a mournful opening scene, in the wake of Morwenna and Gross Goblin’s wedding, but instead Ross, Demelza, and all of their friends are twerking and dabbing up a storm to sick fiddle jams around a raging fire. Drake looks around and has a lot of feelings about everyone not giving a single you-know-what about his heartbreak. Here’s a sampler platter of what’s going on inside his brain right now:
It must be Bring Your Daughter To Work (It At The Village Rave) Day because Bone Maraca Pirate is partying it up with his greasy-haired teen daughter (someone get this girl some dry shampoo!). Little Miss Bone Maraca tries to get Sam to join her in dropping it like it’s hot. Sam reacts the only way he knows how:
Across town, Morwenna is trying to get out of kinky foot stuff by praying for hours with one of her new stepdaughters.
Are you there God? It’s me, Morwenna. Not super happy with you right now, but you can make it up to me by granting me a prosthetic leg to throw at my husband.
God responds, New phone, who dis?
Gross Goblin barges in and yells, Yo, wife! Jesus will still be up there after I finish licking between all of your toes. Now take off your socks and let’s get to it!
Morwenna reluctantly gets up, revealing A BABY BUMP!!!
She miserably gets into bed, dreaming up an assortment of gruesome revenge plots she’ll hopefully use on Malfoy and Elizabeth soon.
In less traumatic news, Agatha is about to turn 100! (To infinity more centuries, you wonderful drunk!) The only problem is all her friends are dead and can’t come to her party. Womp!
Elsewhere, Depressed Drake has cried so much that the flood of tears have torn his shirt right off.
Now he’s sad and cold. Poor guy can’t catch a break!
Across town, Doc visits Malfoy Manor to check up on Valentine’s rickets.
Elizabeth: Should we keep giving him weird powders and loving him less because we don’t like deformed babies?
Doc: Um, what? This kid has never seen the sun. Maybe consider not leaving him in the dark crying all day?
Elizabeth: Oh, I hadn’t thought of that because I’m a monster.
Fast forward to Doc and Blondie’s we-definitely-aren’t-already-married-and-certainly-don’t-know-each-other-in-the-biblical-sense-yet wedding. For some reason, they’ve invited Malfoy and Elizabeth, who are in a corner plotting on sucking up to some rich dude in order to make Malfoy a member of Parliament. But said rich dude is obsessed with Ross for saving his nephew a.k.a. Doc’s Prison Bestie! Another L for Team Malfoy!
While Ross is off chatting about helping the poor (what else would he be chatting about?), Prison Bestie and Demelza have an almost cute exchange.
Demelza: “You’re not dancing, sir, or do you prefer observing?”
Prison Bestie: “I used to. Since I was in France, my eyesight has declined.”
But his eyesight does appear to be good enough to stare thirstily at Demelza’s hot bod.
Later, Demelza finds Morwenna outside and asks when she’s due. Morwenna admits she has no idea how long pregnancies last ’cause her mom never taught her about basic biology, and certainly never mentioned foot fetishes.
That evening, in an effort to get Ross to show that he cares, Demelza mentions how flirty Prison Bestie was with her. Judging by Ross’ response (“Not every man in Cornwall is besotted with you”), he doesn’t.
Across town, Gross Goblin rolls off of Morwenna (ewww) and tells her he’s sending for her younger sister (the more feet, the merrier). This is a season of Sister Wives I can do without.
Back at Demelza’s place, the topic of Valentine comes up. Ross continues pretending that he didn’t have sex with Elizabeth nine exact months before Valentine was born. Demelza turns into a human side-eye emoji.
In the woods, Drake is nesting at the new house Ross gifted him by making a cast of Morwenna’s face. Sam sees it and says, “The blessed virgin and the holy child! It do gladden the heart to see you turn to God again!” Dude, there are other books in the world! Go read one of them! Try having two interests instead of one!
At Toe Jam Headquarters, Morwenna’s Jennifer Lawrence-lookalike sister arrives and is immediately like, Woah, your husband is disgusting! What gives? I like her already.
A few days later, Ross, Demelza, Blondie, and Doc arrive at some banker’s mansion for a house party. This scene feels like a public service announcement against anyone ever getting married:
Ross: “I can think of 100 more useful things I could be doing.”
Blondie: “A shame, Ross. You’re becoming a misanthrope.”
Doc: “I sympathize. I’m no lover of company these days… *Blondie glares at him* …with the exception of my wife.”
Demelza: “Sometimes Ross don’t make no exception.”
Ross: “If I have my way…”
Demelza: “…which you frequently do.”
Ross: “…this will be our last excursion for the foreseeable future.”
Yeesh! Ross and Demelza are that married couple that resent each other a great deal, but stay together “for the kids.” Demelza, there is another way! Leave town with Blondie to film that Thelma and Louise prequel I’ve been pitching all season. It is bound to be more fun than hoping your grump of a husband notices you.
Inside the party, Prison Bestie greets everyone, and this interesting exchange occurs:
Ross: “Are we never to be rid of you?”
Prison Bestie: “You’ll be sorry you ever saved me.”
Okay, wait a second. Prison Bestie and Demelza are totally going to bump uglies, right?! Surely that’s the only thing this kind of heavy-handed foreshadowing could mean. To be honest, I don’t hate the idea. Tit for tat, Ross.
The banker makes a big deal about an “amusement” he’s arranged for his guests. With much fuss, servants open the doors to reveal…
As everyone pretends to find bowling interesting, Prison Bestie continues to flirt up a storm with Demelza. At first, she’s thinking, This is wrong! I’m married! And imagine how hard Sam would throw his Bible at my head! But then, both of them put on devilish grins, and this happens:
Prison Bestie: “Blooms from the Garden of Eden. But where lurks Eve?”
Demelza: “And where the snake?”
Well, Demelza, there’s one in his pants you’ll probably meet really soon.
Outside of the party, Malfoy is told he can’t come in, but that doesn’t stop him from eavesdropping and overhearing the banker offer to prop Ross up as a nominee for Parliament. Malfoy does not take this particularly well.
In a corner of the party, Prison Bestie is still using his best pickup lines, but some of them are too fancy for Demelza:
Prison Bestie: “I’m no Leonardo, but you are surely Mona Lisa.”
Demelza: “…I do not know these people.”
On second thought, maybe they won’t bone?
Across town, Jennifer Lawrence trolls Gross Goblin by taking off her shoe and mentioning how it pinches her toe. Okay, I officially need to be friends with this girl.
Back at the party, Ross declines the banker’s offer because he’s too moral or whatever. Lemme guess, this guy will now offer the nomination to Malfoy. Do no other non-evil men live in this area?
Later that night, an irate Malfoy arrives home and looks for someone to abuse. Unfortunately, Agatha is sitting right there, so Malfoy grabs the Poldark family Bible (so many Bible-driven storylines this season!) and points out that Agatha is turning 98, not 100.
Apparently, Agatha cares because she has a meltdown. Malfoy decides to torture her some more by cancelling her birthday party and refusing to give her supper. Brb, gotta travel back in time and knock all his teeth out.
But Agatha doesn’t seem to need my help. She fights fire with fire by finally letting him know that Valentine is totally not his kid!
A shocked Malfoy goes downstairs to murder Elizabeth and Valentine, but is distracted by a visit from the banker, who offers him the Parliament nomination, as expected.
Elizabeth senses from the maniacal look on Malfoy’s face that something is amiss. She goes upstairs and finds Agatha despairing over her party and how her home has been taken over by the antichrist and how maybe she shouldn’t have said that thing she said. Elizabeth is like, Um, what thing?! OMG, you didn’t! Tell me what thing! Agatha is over this conversation, so she closes her eyes and… DIES! WHAT THE HELL!
The next day, Malfoy sends a note to Ross that goes like this:
Thought you should know I bullied your aunt to death last night. But the real reason I’m writing is to announce that I’ve been nominated to Parliament and you haven’t! Nanny nanny boo boo!
P.S. Please don’t put a toad in my pants.
Demelza calls Ross out for not taking the nomination when he had the chance and letting yet another important post be controlled by a Voldemort disciple.
Demelza: “Not once have you asked my advice or harkened to my opinion, not once!”
Ross: “What do you want, Demelza?! A man who will lie down, roll over, sit up, and beg for you? Well, if so, you’ve married the wrong man.”
Demelza: “It would appear so.”
Ross: “Perhaps you should look elsewhere for a pet.”
Demelza: “Perhaps I should… Perhaps I won’t have to look too far.”
The Garden of Eden snake is on his way!
Later, at the cemetery, Malfoy’s Slytherin cronies dump Agatha’s coffin in the mud and walk off.
Ross digs Agatha’s grave himself and vows to get revenge.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. How dare you?!?
HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie. Sure, trying to bed your savior’s wife isn’t exactly cool, but anyone who understands how Demelza should be treated is okay in my book.
BRONZE: Demelza. Anyone who puts up with this much of Ross’ BS deserves something shiny.
SILVER: Jennifer Lawrence. The best kind of trouble. Looking forward to whatever mischief she plans to cook up.
GOLD: Agatha. She was too good for this world. Whose playful alcoholism and cute, prolonged farts will keep us entertained now?