'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!

In the previous episode of Poldark, Ross completed his transformation into a raging monster by cheating on Demelza (just like we knew he would). Will Demelza burn all his possessions and then use the fire to light a cigarette? Will Ross and Elizabeth do everyone a favor and run off to Bali, never to be seen or heard from again? Will Horace the Pug make a much-needed cameo, just 'cause? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

We find Ross in his office, deep in worried thought. He's stressing over how he betrayed Demelza, right? Nope! He's thinking about the mine, of course, because he's a sociopath. But let's focus on the positive: he has a black eye, courtesy of Demelza's right hook, and the mine has officially closed. Boring will-they-won't-they-find-copper subplot, begone!

Back at home, Demelza is officially over all of it. She's decided that, from now on, she will have breakfast served to her in bed and will refuse to do any chores. Being prissy and fancy worked out for Elizabeth, after all. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

While commuting, Ross runs into Malfoy and they argue over who has the bigger penis (not literally, but isn't that what all of their tiffs are really about?). The answer is not revealed, but one thing is for sure: they're both pricks.

Over at Elizabeth's house, she is very impatient for Ross to come back and proclaim, I dumped my wife and baby! Now let's have some more quasi-consensual sex! She decides a bit of binge-drinking is in order. Alcoholic-in-residence Agatha approves.

Across town, Ross arrives home and finds Demelza drinking tea and snacking in bed (you go, girl!). Demelza offers to help him pack (again, you go, girl!). Ross changes the subject to the mine. Nice try, Ross! Literally no one cares! When that distraction doesn't work, Ross changes tactics:

Ross: "I realize that your pride is wounded."

Demelza: "My pride?? 'Tis not my pride that is wounded, Ross. 'Tis my pride in you!"

Over at Elizabeth's house, she's still drunk and waiting. Good luck with that.

Across town, Ross whines about Demelza icing him out. She responds that he can go cry about it on his pillow, which is now on an uncomfortable cot in the library.

Ross continues to dig his hole deeper and deeper with tone-deaf statements like: "In the moment, I admit it, there was no thought of you" and "Perhaps I might've hoped for some understanding." Since words aren't really getting them anywhere, Demelza decides to communicate her feelings through flinging everything off the dinner table.

That's a start. Keep going.

That's more like it! Now, put your back into it!

Yes, that's it! Let it all out, Demelza!

Throw furniture at him! He's had it coming for so long.

*satisfied sigh* I feel better, don't you?

Over at Malfoy's, his lavish wedding planning grinds to a halt when he receives a letter from Elizabeth asking to postpone the wedding. A terrible setback for #TeamMalfoy'sPenisIsBigger.

Back at chez Ross, a servant arrives to formally invite Ross and Demelza to a rave. Demelza is like, SIGH. No thanks. Gotta stay home and fantasize about pulling a Lorena Bobbitt. But then a thought strikes her. She will put on her red shoes and dance the blues (and maybe tongue wrestle a dude or two)!

At Elizabeth's, she hears horse hooves! She freaks out about Ross' return. What will she say? How should she act? Turns out she doesn't have to worry about answering those questions because it's just Verity. Elizabeth promptly faints.

Meanwhile, Demelza pulls out her sexy red dress. She sings the lyrics to Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like A Woman!"

I'm going out tonight, I'm feelin' alright
Gonna let it all hang out
Want to make some noise, Really raise my voice
Yeah, I want to scream and shout
The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Oh oh oh go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady!

In town, Ross takes a business meeting with some dude who wants him to join in on a profitable business.

At some fancy estate, Demelza is getting settled in before the party. She takes a much-deserved shot.

Demelza makes her grand entrance to the party. She's wearing makeup! She has a fake mole and a little heart drawn on one breast! All the women give her dirty looks and all the men slobber. Snatch that revenge, girl! You've earned it!

Malfoy tries to get his Slytherin crony to seduce her so as to embarrass Ross, but another gets to her first: the military dude with the overly-trimmed mustache.

Over at Elizabeth's house, Verity tells Elizabeth she knows what's bothering her. She must not feel right about marrying Malfoy because her heart still belongs to Francis, right? Surely, getting over the very recent death of one's husband must still be so very hard. Elizabeth pulls a muscle pretending that yes, all these hysterics are totally about Francis and not his much hotter cousin:

At the rave, Demelza works up a sweat, twerking and dabbing and do-si-do-ing with Overly Trimmed Mustache. They take a break to chat about name origins. Demelza is Cornish for "thy sweetness." Overly Trimmed Mustache tries to flirt: "I would rather it meant my sweetness."

He's corny to the max, but he'll have to do. Demelza takes him outside and they make out. He seems like the kind of bad kisser that's only practiced on the back of his hand and he probably smells a little because he wears the same outfit every day of his life, but, you know, whatever it takes to get back at trifling, no-good Ross.

After the party, Demelza goes to her room and can't decide if she should lock her door or not. She takes too long to make up her mind and Overly Trimmed Mustache slips in, wearing a brand new outfit! (He must read all the mean things I write about his uniform in these recaps!) He immediately makes it clear that he is DTF.

Demelza is not. Turns out she takes her marriage vows more seriously than Ross. Surely, Overly Trimmed Mustache will understand, right? Nope! He first tries to pressure her with words: "Think for a moment of me, who's been looking forward to this encounter. Your duty now is not to your husband, but to me."

Despite Demelza's polite refusal, Overly Trimmed Mustache tries to rape her anyway because we didn't get enough of that during the last episode. Demelza manages to physically overpower him and gets him to leave. She crumples down onto the bed and cries the same thing I do every Sunday night: "Ross, I hate you! I hate you!"

Later that night, Slytherin Crony and the old dude who hosted the rave argue outside of Demelza's door over who gets "first pick." She listens as they consider whether she might be into a threesome and ultimately toss a coin over her. One rape attempt is more than enough for a lifetime so Demelza flees out of the window.

After a long night of drinking at the bar with his buddies and being emo over his failed mine, Ross heads to Elizabeth's house. She sees him from the window and thinks, Yay! I won! He's leaving his wife and child for me! Weeee! But then Ross changes his mind and gallops away.

Ross gets home to find that Demelza has been out all night. How dare she go somewhere without his permission! Doesn't she know she's Ross' property? Since I'm not there in person, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen stand in for me and give him deadly, sideways Are you f-ing serious? looks.

Ross races around Cornwall to find Demelza and make sure no one has been kissing her. He finds her walking in the sea, mascara tears all over her face. Instead of apologizing for everything that's happened since he came into her life, he tells her this: "If you could bide a while, have a little patience, this thing will play itself out... sooner or later." Wow. Add this to the long list of reasons why I wish Ross had been found guilty and hanged earlier this season. Demelza's reaction says it all:

Over at Elizabeth's house, she chucks her needlepointing and goes on a rant that would even make Kanye jealous about how Ross always abandons her. There was that whole fighting-for-his-country-and-barely-surviving thing, and now this? Screw it! She's tired of waiting!

Cut to her wedding with Malfoy. She apparently didn't get the memo that "None of the above" was an option.

And the bad news keeps rolling in: Ross finds enough money to reopen the mine.

Sensing that I am this close to turning off this episode and quitting this recap, the writers throw me a bone -- a dog bone, to be precise. Horace the Pug is back!!!!!

And he's wearing a Ruth Bader Ginsburg-esque jabot!

In an alternate universe where everything is good, the rest of the episode is just Horace snacking and napping and playing and barking. But we live in a cruel world, so we have to watch Ross work in the mine some more. He finds a lot of valuable tin.

Ross runs home to tell Demelza that he's about to be kind of rich. Demelza is like, Keep it.

Needing his baby-man ego stroked, Ross rushes over to Elizabeth's house and sees her returning from her honeymoon with Malfoy. Elizabeth spots him and gives him a death glare. Like always, Ross feels sorry for himself.

End scene.

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Ross. Demelza said it best: "Ross, I hate you! I hate you!"

HONORABLE MENTION: Verity. For causing Elizabeth to faint.

BRONZE: Whoever Made Horace's Jabot. Bless this craftsperson for making the world more beautiful and tender.

SILVER: Horace. The rainbow that springs forth from this dark cloud of a show when we need it most.

GOLD: Demelza. So glad she got her party on. And kudos to her for not murdering Ross, chopping him into little bits, and using said little bits as bait on her next fishing trip. I bow to her self-restraint.

Until next week, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty and read all the other recaps below.

More recaps:

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7: I'm In Love With A Monster

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark

 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover

‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt

‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang

‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive