In the previous episode of Poldark, Doc got married, delivered a baby, and got captured by French revolutionaries (slow your roll, dude!). Will his captors spare his pretty face? Will Ross lose a hand and turn the bones into a maraca, like his pirate friend? Will Elizabeth stop bullying her newborn baby? Will Demelza’s hot brothers take their shirts off some more? Will Horace the Pug do something cute? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
Demelza stands at the edge of a beautiful vista with her son. Is she showing him the finer points of taking a panorama shot worth at least 100 Instagram likes? No, just wondering aloud if Ross has gotten himself killed yet again (her default setting). From now on, drink every time Demelza makes a scrunched-up, worried face while cursing Ross in her head for making her life so stressful (you might not be coherent by the end of this recap, but you only live once, right?).
Over in France, Ross and Bone Maraca Pirate look around and see a Brit taking a rifle to the face next to a bloody, dripping guillotine. Both think, Okay, maybe we didn’t think this plan all the way through. They also think this:
Back in Cornwall, Malfoy is cranky again. What’s he whining about this time?
- Elizabeth, can you stop acknowledging the existence of poor people by saying hi? Why can’t you be an obedient wife and just send them a withering look that translates to I hope you die in a muddy gutter like I always do? Wahhh!
- Ugh, Demelza’s brothers are trolling me by loudly singing right outside of my church! They don’t love Jesus like I love Jesus! Actually, I am Jesus and they are Judas! They are suppressive people! Wahhhhh!
- Ewww! Look at those unwashed village children showing us their teeth. Wait, what? That’s called smiling? I hate it! Ban smiling! Wahhhhhhhh!
Back in France, Ross is really bad at this whole laying-low-in-order-to-keep-one’s-head-attached-to-one’s-body thing. He’s just standing in the middle of a square, looking very lost and very British. On top of this, he gawks every time a revolutionary slits someone’s throat or beats a helpless woman. One of said revolutionaries finally is like, “DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” (I know that’s what he said ’cause I’m fancy and took a few French classes in college.)
Eventually, a little boy runs up and gives Ross a note that says:
I was going to wait until the coast was clear to contact you, but wow, you really suck at this, so go to this location and try not to get us all killed. K?
Kindergartener Who’s Better at Being a Spy Than You
Back at home, one of Ross’ friends tells Demelza that Ross’ genius let’s-just-ride-on-over-to-wartime-France-and-free-a-heavily-guarded-prisoner plan isn’t going well. Demelza responds succinctly and emphatically with one of these:
Back in France, Ross kills time while waiting for another contact by eyeing up a hot waitress. He wonders if it would be totally inappropriate to cheat on Demelza again. What’s one more betrayal, right? Bone Maraca Pirate channels his inner Hilary Duff and gives Ross a look that says:
On a beach somewhere, Geoffrey Charles is the awkward third wheel on yet another Drake / Morwenna date. They look at each other adoringly and then look away and then look back at each other for several hours. I pop out from behind a rock and shout the following:
Every episode, Agatha does something super random and wonderful that makes me fall in love with her all over again (see: last episode’s weird burp thing or this great eye roll or the time she said “Fiddlesticks!” or the time she burst into a room and yelled, “Where’s my port?!” to no one in particular). So what will it be this week?
A cute, prolonged fart! Mission accomplished!
Agatha calls out Geoffrey Charles on his secret beach trip by pointing out all the sand in his hair, on his face, and on his shoes. Amateur. “You have to be sharp to out-trump me, boy!”
Elizabeth pops in to say, Never go to Ross’ beach ever again! I hate him for no good reason now, remember? Geoffrey Charles expertly gets out of being grounded by commenting on how much darker his new baby brother is than he should be.
Back in France, Ross tells Bone Maraca Pirate that his philandering ways are behind him. No hot waitress this time. This makes Bone Maraca Pirate’s inner Hilary Duff very sad.
Ross is soon contacted by a shady French dude who keeps taking his money in exchange for super vague, unhelpful information. I smell…
In Cornwall, Malfoy tries to get Elizabeth to accompany him to his first day on the bench as magistrate. Come watch me sentence innocent poor people to death! It’ll be fun! Elizabeth is like, Nah, it was boring when my last husband did it and it’s boring now. I’m just gonna stay home and hate my… I mean, our… baby.
Back in France, Ross and Bone Maraca Pirate take a break from drinking to watch someone get their head guillotined right off. The hot waitress is nearby enjoying the bloodshed. Moments later, she approaches Ross and asks if she can go up to his room to see his “papers.” She says this while pushing a cord seductively into a bottle. Oh, my!
Ross lets Hot Waitress know that his cork already has a bottle. Awww.
Speaking of bottles, Demelza has that scrunched-up, worried look again! Drink up!
At court, Malfoy gets off on sentencing poor people to public floggings, telling Blondie that Doc is totally doornail dead, and taking back a building Drake and Sam turned into a church for Millennials. Agatha better step up her voodoo doll skills ’cause this jerk is on a roll.
Over at Millennials for Christ headquarters, Drake and Sam are sad they can’t sing hymns and kneel and drink cheap blood wine and whatever else people do at church. Sam says it’s up to baby Jesus to help them now. Demelza is like, That’s not a thing. Storming over to Elizabeth’s house to make a scene is though!
Back in France, Hot Waitress can’t believe Ross swiped left on her! She gets her revenge by calling the cops on him.
They take Ross to a dark cellar and threaten to imprison or murder him. Ross makes it rain guineas and they quickly change their tune to Ok, cool, no imprisonment or guillotine, but GTFO of France by midnight (and don’t forget your glass slipper on the way out).
Over at chez Liz, Sam tries to make a deal with Elizabeth: Save our hip DIY church and god will save your soul! Elizabeth is like, That’s not a thing, but I’ll try.
Meanwhile, outside, Drake and Morwenna are doing their looking at each other and away and at each other thing again. This time, it’s Geoffrey Charles, and not me, who pops out to basically say:
Later that night, Malfoy comes home gleeful about all the lives he’s ruined. Plus, he got a compliment on his robe too! How nice. Elizabeth shares details of Sam’s visit, and Malfoy can sense that she’s thinking of poor folk as actual humans again. There’s only one way to fix that: make it about Ross and wait for her inner monster to appear!
Elizabeth: My dead husband gave them the land. It would be wrong to unlawfully snatch it away from these hipsters for Christ.
Malfoy: Sam is Demelza’s brother.
Elizabeth: WHAT??? TWO DEGRESS FROM ROSS?? WHOM I HATE FOR NO GOOD REASON????? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!! Oh, and yeah, totally take away their clubhouse too.
For those of you who leave comments asking why I hate Elizabeth, this is why.
Over at Ross’ house, Blondie is like, Ugh, Doc is totally dead. And we only got to have sex twice. Demelza makes her scrunched-up, worried face again. Chugalug!
Across the Channel, Ross is on a boat heading home. Bone Maraca Pirate is like, Phew! I totally thought I would have to make a new belt maraca with your entire skeleton in it! Glad we’re sensible enough to know when to call it quits. Ross is like, Me? Sensible? Never!!! He runs to the edge of the ship and jumps. An idea as idiotic as this one:
Days later, Bone Maraca Pirate gives Demelza Ross’ hat and tells her what she already knows: her husband is nuts. Demelza makes a scrunched-up, I’m-going-to-murder-him-with-my-own-two-hands face this time. Throw back a shot!
Across town, Elizabeth is still on a tear about how much she hates Ross. We got the memo, girl. You can give it a rest now. Malfoy proposes a plan: Why don’t they take baby Valentine and move to a different town? What a splendid idea! Could my dream of never seeing either of these characters again be realized? Was Sam right all along? Praying works?
Elizabeth pretends to care about leaving Geoffrey Charles behind, before quickly saying, Ah, F it, he’ll make do. Let’s move today, so I’ll never have to see Ross ever again! This is all very comical, considering that, not only did Ross have nothing to do with the Millennial Christians: UK Chapter, but he’s currently hiding in a pile of French hay. Anyway, good riddance!
Across town, Demelza is telling Drake that marriage is a bunch of BS. “I promised to love, honor, and obey him. And why should I?” Uh oh, is Demelza’s Lemonade era upon us?
Her first step toward creating a diss album about Ross is giving away one of his storehouses to the Millennials for Christ.
Sam: “Brother Ross won’t like it.”
Demelza: “No more than I like certain antics of his. What’s his is mine.”
In France, Ross has managed to leave his pile of hay, thanks to a beanie that renders him invisible. He goes back to the same bar — dude, maybe pick a different spot? — and demands a list of prisoner names from his scammer co-conspirator. Alas, the beanie is not actually an invisibility cloak, and Hot Waitress turns him in yet again. You should have couchez’ed avec moi the other soir, she scolds. Ross takes off his beanie, punches every male in his vicinity in the face, and skedaddles. Run, Forrest, run!
Back in Cornwall, Malfoy gets a letter from some rich dude that says:
Sup? Could you let my son off the hook for assaulting a servant girl? Who cares, amirite? LOL. Thanks! P.S. Isn’t classism fun? See you at court! 😉
The next day, Elizabeth finally relents and goes to see Malfoy ruin lives in his pretty robe. He decides to make an example of the servant girl for “perjury” and for daring to stand up for her civil rights. Elizabeth is absolutely shocked by this injustice. I really don’t get why she’s constantly surprised by Malfoy’s evil ways. He literally does at least one terrible thing every 7 minutes.
Elsewhere, Demelza (with scrunched-up, worried face in full effect; drink!) and Blondie agree that their husbands are most likely dead. But all is not lost! Now ball and chain free, they could hit the road and star in Thelma and Louise: The Prequel!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is randomly taking Xanax in liquid form, with a side of booze. It’s lucky for her there’s little to no heavy machinery invented yet for her to operate.
On the beach, Drake, Morwenna, and Geoffrey Charles are on yet another throuple date. Just leave him at home! Geez!
On the farm, a pregnant Demelza is picking up heavy pieces of wood and cursing Ross in her head… until she hears horse hooves. It’s Ross! All is forgiven ’cause his curls have never looked better and his face isn’t bad either!
Ross managed to snatch a list of British soldiers taken prisoner, and Doc’s name is on it! What the list fails to mention is that Doc is rocking a killer beard now!
Over at Jesus Lovers “R” Us, all the young, hip Christians are making sure their new space adheres to feng shui principles. A random girl shoots Drake a loaded look that says, I kiss before marriage. Drake sends a look back that says, I’m flattered, but I’m already dating a girl and her eight-year-old companion, sorry!
That night, the yay-you-weren’t-decapitated-in-France honeymoon period is over. Ross is chastising Demelza for letting her brothers turn his shed into a home base for their cult. Who gave her permission to do such a thing?! Season 1 Demelza might have allowed this kind of behavior, but Season 3 Demelza is not having it.
Demelza: “Other women may bow and scrape and ask permission, as I once did, but no longer.”
And then something truly shocking happens. More shocking than Francis being murdered by a random puddle last season. More shocking than Horace the Pug not being in this episode.
Because this will probably never happen again, Demelza and Ross decide to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime moment by having dirty sex.