'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton
'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen
'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life
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FM","link":"/"}},"pop_108303":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108303","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108303","score":null,"sort":[1551662522000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker","publishDate":1551662522,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the loony bin got in the way of Disney Princess and New Footman moving to California:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert stopped fighting long enough to pretend they were in \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam got really riled up over an assault on some Brit's lemons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I vowed to start a White House petition for ABC to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I asked you all to vote on who was cuter: Albert or his cousin, King Otto of Greece. The results were not even close:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109816\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"275\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg 880w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-160x73.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-800x367.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-768x353.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(If you missed \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the last recap\u003c/a> and want your voice heard, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">you can still vote\u003c/a>.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will we objectify some more royal dudes this episode? Will New Footman break Disney Princess out of the mental asylum so they can realize their \u003cem>Beverly Hills 90210\u003c/em> fantasy? Will the season finale's climax involve the writers explaining that the cholera episode and everything that followed was just a fever dream and Babyface Maid is actually totally healthy and loving her new life as an innkeeper? Will Victoria and Albert continue to copy make-out techniques from the stars of \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109818\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/ryan-gosling-rachel-mcaddams-kiss-award.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"425\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our season finale begins with Albert still obsessing over hosting his glorified middle school science fair. This is the first time one of his random hobbies has managed to last more than a single episode. Congrats are in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109829\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nancy-pelosi-state-of-the-union-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"423\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109830\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nicole-kidman-weird-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"477\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spelling-bee-clap-albert-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's office, everyone sits around while Victoria opens snail mail because Netflix and Twitter hadn't been invented yet, so there wasn't really much else to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the rule in this family is you must consider every first cousin as a romantic prospect, Bertie is eyeing up Xenadora's daughter, Edelweiss (yes, I know her name is actually Adelheid, but I'd rather make a reference to \u003cem>The Sound of Music\u003c/em> because a. what a wonderful film and b. we should indulge any excuse to ruminate on \u003ca href=\"https://66.media.tumblr.com/4de065ca496c673a487d491719221924/tumblr_mluk92N13k1rgewb2o2_250.gif\">how dashing\u003c/a> Christopher Plummer was as Captain von Trapp).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-heidi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure, a little kid having a crush is cute, but this makes me uncomfortable because I wouldn't put it past these people to actually hook these two up to preserve power and solidify continental alliances. Excuse me while I hunt for a historical spoiler because I'd like to know how grossed out I should be over the next hour.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*reads Bertie and Edelweiss' Wikipedia pages, somehow ends up spending 15 minutes reading about how kinky Rasputin allegedly got with one of Victoria's granddaughters*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. Bertie and Edelweiss do not get married to each other. Guess I won't be needing this puke bag after all. Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109875\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke-bag-fakeout.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"218\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria receives a letter from Disney Villain about how Disney Princess has come down with an \"inflammation of the brain that requires complete rest and seclusion.\" Somehow, the Queen fails to realize that's Abusive Husband Speak for \"I locked her in her room because I'm the only one who gets to have frisky affairs around here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that afternoon, Albert tries to arrange a husband for Edelweiss because she's 16 going on Old Maid, by Victorian standards. Bertie promptly turns into the \u003ca href=\"https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/talkingtech/2017/02/24/white-guy-blinking-meme-explained/98358288/\">white guy blinking meme\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109837\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-victoria-wtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"421\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109838\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/white-guy-blinking-meme.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"470\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember back at the beginning of the season, when the French overthrew their monarch and forced that rich lady to flee with her cute dog?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"433\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, things are still very chaotic over there. There's now been a coup, involving Napoleon Bonaparte's even shorter nephew, Louis Napoleon, declaring himself Emperor. Lord Pam is excited by this because, like Marie Kondo, he loves mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-love-mess-marie-kondo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Villain says a bunch of menacing things to an imprisoned Disney Princess. I don't know about y'all, but I'm already quite ready for New Footman to kick down the door and carry her off to California.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-103627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/05/judge-judy-watch-impatient-annoyed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While on a walk in the park, Lord Pam sneaks up on Xenadora with a proposition:\u003cem> Let's marry off Edelweiss to Louis Napoleon! She'd be Empress and outrank everyone, even Victoria!\u003c/em> Xenadora salivates all over the front of her dress at the thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/janeane-garafalo-romy-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> gets tired of no one doing anything to help Disney Princess, so she flat out asks Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, can I go over there and save the day again, like I did when I foiled Lord Pam's plan to shoot a bunch of Chartists in the street? \u003c/em>Victoria agrees because she wants me to have a reason to make this gif again, but with Disney Villain's face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If this season has taught us anything, there's nothing Lord Pam loves more than buddying up with foreign troublemakers the Queen doesn't approve of (shout out to the French rebels in the season premiere and that random Hungarian from Episode 3 who only ever gets around to shaving his chin and nothing else):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, add another name to that list of troublemakers because Lord Pam is at it again, this time sending congratulations to Louis Napoleon without approval from the Queen or his party. Now, the King of Prussia is pissed, which has made Albert pissed, which has made Victoria pissed, so yeah, this is bad. Prime Minister Pushover believes the scandal may cost Lord Pam his position as Foreign Secretary. But then what would we do for entertainment around here? Someone has to sprinkle drama on top of every episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert finds Xenadora and vents, \u003cem>OMG, can you believe Lord Pam cozied up to the Emperor of France? Only traitors would ever want anything to do with the French! Am I right or am I right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora, who's hiding a beret, a baguette and a French language Rosetta Stone CD-ROM behind her back, smiles and slowly backs away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After bribing a maid and finding out the truth behind Disney Princess' fake illness, Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em> tells Victoria what's really going on at Disney World. Victoria asks New Footman to fetch Disney Villain. Uh oh! Maybe we don't need Lord Pam to bring the drama after all! By the look on Jo's face, she knows it's about to go down:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the kitchen, New Footman yells about how he is going to snap Disney Villain's neck like a chicken's and then declares that he'll lay down his life if it means saving Disney Princess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Jo didn't get a chance to stare down Disney Villain, Mean Butler will have to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-penge-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Don't look so surprised! You think a footman isn't capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"A good looking young man could use a Duchess for his own advancement.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Not everyone thinks like you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"You don't think I'm capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-laughing-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain is called to the \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">principal's\u003c/span> Queen's office to explain himself. He prattles on about how he had no choice but to lock Disney Princess up because she suffers from \"hysterical nymphomania.\" Victoria doesn't waste any time laying down some feminist truth: \"In my experience, men only call women mad when they're doing something inconvenient.\" She demands that he release Disney Princess at once and, before he has a chance to disagree, says \"You may leave us, \"which is polite British for \"Get the F out of my face before I have you exiled.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, Bertie runs into Victoria's bedroom and shakes her awake to announce that Albert is dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bolts out of bed and rushes to find that Albert is not dead, just napping. Bertie really needs to stay in tutoring, if he can't tell the difference between a sleeping person and a corpse. Then again, his 30-year-old mother just recently found out humans can't breathe underwater, so maybe I should cut him some slack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, it's finally time for the Great Exhibition! We were promised the most impressive innovations from around the world. Instead, we got stylish taxidermied ferrets and musical frogs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109846\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"216\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-160x72.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-800x360.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-768x345.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1200x539.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM.png 1900w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-800x430.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-768x412.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1200x644.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM.png 1598w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria, Albert and the kids take off for the Exhibition, some Homeland Security guy, who turns out to be Nine Fingers from earlier this season, pops up to say that someone in the crowd might try to attack them. Victoria thinks the possibility over for a millisecond before saying, \u003cem>Meh, I've been shot at a bunch of times and the assassins always mess up. See y'all there!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Great Exhibition Hall is a huge hit and no one tries to kill the Queen. Yay! But someone still might end up dead because a newly freed Disney Princess is already tempting fate by hanging out with New Footman in plain view. He has made arrangements for the two of them to leave for America later that evening; all she has to do is meet him at the train station. Disney Princess really wants to, but worries about leaving her son behind, so New Footman tries to ease her concern: \u003cem>Your son is basically an adult. 10 is the new 20! He'll be fine!\u003c/em> Quite the flimsy argument, but let's just go along with it because I want to watch their \u003cem>90210\u003c/em> spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman spots Mean Butler spying on them and walks over to have it out. Their chat goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I quit!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sorry that I misjudged you as a scammer who was looking for a come-up. I can see that you actually had good intentions the whole time. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LOL, no, you were totally right. I am a scammer looking for a come-up. I just happened to fall in love during this particular scam.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>This reminds me of a time a lady and I were...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yeah, I don't care. Bye forever!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Vicky Jr. is introduced to the much older Prussian prince Albert has decided she will marry once she gets her period. And Edelweiss meets another cute-enough Prussian Albert picked out (damn, Al, one hobby at a time!). Bertie's little heart is crushed that he will never get the chance to incest it up with his cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109848\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-sad-omg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who is not pleased by Edelweiss being paired up with a Prussian is Xenadora, whose French vanilla fantasy has now been cancelled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109849\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/paris-audrey-hepburn-cancelled.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, earlier in this recap, I mentioned the possibility of objectifying more royal men via a poll. That time has come because why not? Let's vote on who's cuter out of Edelweiss' two potential husbands:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Napoleon?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"386\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg 386w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III-160x199.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 386px) 100vw, 386px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or this Prussian dude?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109866\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"517\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-160x207.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-800x1034.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-768x993.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-928x1200.jpg 928w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein.jpg 1584w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2269423x0Da48b3D-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:197px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different part of the exhibition hall, Disney Villain corners Mean Butler and demands to know the name of his wife's lover. But Mean Butler is good all of a sudden and tosses the little bribery ball sack and its three measly coins on the ground. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> did dramatically transferring money better:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Bertie proposes to Edelweiss, who responds with, \"Don't you think I'm a little too old for you?\" Great point, but you missed this part: \"...and don't you think it's alarming how we share a grandparent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she's also pretty much a child who doesn't have a firm grasp on what a secret is, Edelweiss blurts out that another reason she can't marry her 8-year-old first cousin is that her mother is already arranging her marriage to the French Emperor. Oh, boy, Bertie is totally going to run and tell his parents! This is about to get messy. To pull a mood from earlier in the episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In political news: After being censured by all the other old white dudes in power, Lord Pam decides to resign. On his way home, Xenadora runs up and is like, \u003cem>Hey, so about you hooking my daughter up with Louis Napoleon! Let's marry her off!\u003c/em> Lord Pam shuts it down with a quickness: \u003cem>I don't have a job anymore. Something else I don't have: an F to give about you or your daughter. Peace out! It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the hall, Victoria senses Disney Princess' plan to ditch her kid for a man and proceeds to guilt trip her for even considering leaving her child behind. Don't listen to her, Disney Princess! 10 is the new 20! Go to America and enjoy New Footman's \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png\">boat-censored parts \u003c/a>for the rest of your days!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the Exhibition, Edelweiss tries to make things up to Bertie by gifting him a piece of chocolate. He smacks it out of her hand and runs away. Maybe because it wasn't a Kit Kat, which I recently found out is the actor who plays Bertie's favorite sweet treat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://youtu.be/qYofNetNKTU\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bertie runs into Albert and tells him all about his heartbreak and how Xenadora is trying to marry Edelweiss off to Louis Napoleon. The revenge sirens from \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> go off in Albert's ears.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109881\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"460\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg 914w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-160x123.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-800x613.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-768x588.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert tells the Queen how sneaky Xenadora is, Victoria uses every muscle in her body to suppress an \"I TOLD YOU SO!!!\" jig.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109852\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/told-ya-so.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"302\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can celebrate being right all along, Xenadora strolls in and shovels more of her BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, fam! Congrats on the exhibition and being the smartest, coolest brother-in-law ever! And thanks so much for hooking my daughter up with that Prussian dude, whom I totally want her to marry, especially cause he's not a stinky French person! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LIAR!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Fine, you caught me. I think Bertie is an idiot. I'm moving out. Bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to have a heart-to-heart with Xenadora and tells her she doesn't have to go, but Xenadora isn't hearing any of it. In her mind, she should've been Queen and that's that on that! Cold and heartless 'til the bitter end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Disney Princess is packed and about to leave for the train station, when her son stops her to share a dream he had of her abandoning him. A little too on the nose, don't you think, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers? Meanwhile, New Footman waits at the station with no Disney Princess in sight. I'm thinking he'll be waiting there for quite some time. Thanks a lot, Disney Heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Albert and Victoria revel in how successful the exhibition was. You know what else is successful? The acting prowess of Albert's left hand. Look at it go!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-hand.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"379\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make up for a season of being at each other's throats, Albert and Victoria reminisce about when she proposed to him and how happy they are with each other. They share a passionate kiss... and then Albert loses consciousness and collapses to the ground. Victoria screams his name over and over and, despite having hundreds of servants, no one comes to help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: That Cliffhanger. \u003c/strong>Sure, we can Google Albert's death date to find out if this is really serious or not, but it's still rude! As is making us wonder whether Disney Princess really stood New Footman up or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106086\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/how-rude-stephanie-tanner-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Ernst. \u003c/strong>Not even one measly appearance this entire season?? But they found the time to trot out everyone's least favorite character, Uncle Leopold? What gives? Sure, Ernst was probably busy applying that poison powder to his diseased penis, but he needs to get it under control 'cause Season 4 needs him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Bertie\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>His incest wish may not have come true, but he's still a winner, considering how much screen time he grabbed all season. The actor who plays him is going to be able to buy so many Kit Kats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Edelweiss.\u003c/strong> Imagine having Xenadora as your mom. Or, worse than that, imagine your two suitors both being that butt ugly. But Louis Napoleon's genes aren't all bad; check out his hot son!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impe%CC%81rial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"477\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-160x254.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-800x1272.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-768x1221.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-755x1200.jpg 755w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam and Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Love them or love to hate them, these two newbies brought the drama this season. Without them, it would have just been 8 full hours of Victoria and Albert arguing. And lord knows we've seen enough of that for a lifetime.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109872\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/stop-fighting-please.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"For a show that can sometimes be a little snoozy, this season finale really brought the fireworks!","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551662580,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":140,"wordCount":3072},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker | KQED","description":"For a show that can sometimes be a little snoozy, this season finale really brought the fireworks!","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108303 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108303","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/03/03/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker","path":"/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the loony bin got in the way of Disney Princess and New Footman moving to California:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert stopped fighting long enough to pretend they were in \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam got really riled up over an assault on some Brit's lemons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I vowed to start a White House petition for ABC to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I asked you all to vote on who was cuter: Albert or his cousin, King Otto of Greece. The results were not even close:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109816\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"275\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg 880w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-160x73.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-800x367.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-768x353.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(If you missed \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the last recap\u003c/a> and want your voice heard, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">you can still vote\u003c/a>.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will we objectify some more royal dudes this episode? Will New Footman break Disney Princess out of the mental asylum so they can realize their \u003cem>Beverly Hills 90210\u003c/em> fantasy? Will the season finale's climax involve the writers explaining that the cholera episode and everything that followed was just a fever dream and Babyface Maid is actually totally healthy and loving her new life as an innkeeper? Will Victoria and Albert continue to copy make-out techniques from the stars of \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109818\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/ryan-gosling-rachel-mcaddams-kiss-award.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"425\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our season finale begins with Albert still obsessing over hosting his glorified middle school science fair. This is the first time one of his random hobbies has managed to last more than a single episode. Congrats are in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109829\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nancy-pelosi-state-of-the-union-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"423\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109830\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nicole-kidman-weird-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"477\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spelling-bee-clap-albert-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's office, everyone sits around while Victoria opens snail mail because Netflix and Twitter hadn't been invented yet, so there wasn't really much else to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the rule in this family is you must consider every first cousin as a romantic prospect, Bertie is eyeing up Xenadora's daughter, Edelweiss (yes, I know her name is actually Adelheid, but I'd rather make a reference to \u003cem>The Sound of Music\u003c/em> because a. what a wonderful film and b. we should indulge any excuse to ruminate on \u003ca href=\"https://66.media.tumblr.com/4de065ca496c673a487d491719221924/tumblr_mluk92N13k1rgewb2o2_250.gif\">how dashing\u003c/a> Christopher Plummer was as Captain von Trapp).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-heidi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure, a little kid having a crush is cute, but this makes me uncomfortable because I wouldn't put it past these people to actually hook these two up to preserve power and solidify continental alliances. Excuse me while I hunt for a historical spoiler because I'd like to know how grossed out I should be over the next hour.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*reads Bertie and Edelweiss' Wikipedia pages, somehow ends up spending 15 minutes reading about how kinky Rasputin allegedly got with one of Victoria's granddaughters*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. Bertie and Edelweiss do not get married to each other. Guess I won't be needing this puke bag after all. Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109875\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke-bag-fakeout.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"218\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria receives a letter from Disney Villain about how Disney Princess has come down with an \"inflammation of the brain that requires complete rest and seclusion.\" Somehow, the Queen fails to realize that's Abusive Husband Speak for \"I locked her in her room because I'm the only one who gets to have frisky affairs around here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that afternoon, Albert tries to arrange a husband for Edelweiss because she's 16 going on Old Maid, by Victorian standards. Bertie promptly turns into the \u003ca href=\"https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/talkingtech/2017/02/24/white-guy-blinking-meme-explained/98358288/\">white guy blinking meme\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109837\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-victoria-wtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"421\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109838\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/white-guy-blinking-meme.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"470\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember back at the beginning of the season, when the French overthrew their monarch and forced that rich lady to flee with her cute dog?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"433\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, things are still very chaotic over there. There's now been a coup, involving Napoleon Bonaparte's even shorter nephew, Louis Napoleon, declaring himself Emperor. Lord Pam is excited by this because, like Marie Kondo, he loves mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-love-mess-marie-kondo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Villain says a bunch of menacing things to an imprisoned Disney Princess. I don't know about y'all, but I'm already quite ready for New Footman to kick down the door and carry her off to California.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-103627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/05/judge-judy-watch-impatient-annoyed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While on a walk in the park, Lord Pam sneaks up on Xenadora with a proposition:\u003cem> Let's marry off Edelweiss to Louis Napoleon! She'd be Empress and outrank everyone, even Victoria!\u003c/em> Xenadora salivates all over the front of her dress at the thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/janeane-garafalo-romy-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> gets tired of no one doing anything to help Disney Princess, so she flat out asks Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, can I go over there and save the day again, like I did when I foiled Lord Pam's plan to shoot a bunch of Chartists in the street? \u003c/em>Victoria agrees because she wants me to have a reason to make this gif again, but with Disney Villain's face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If this season has taught us anything, there's nothing Lord Pam loves more than buddying up with foreign troublemakers the Queen doesn't approve of (shout out to the French rebels in the season premiere and that random Hungarian from Episode 3 who only ever gets around to shaving his chin and nothing else):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, add another name to that list of troublemakers because Lord Pam is at it again, this time sending congratulations to Louis Napoleon without approval from the Queen or his party. Now, the King of Prussia is pissed, which has made Albert pissed, which has made Victoria pissed, so yeah, this is bad. Prime Minister Pushover believes the scandal may cost Lord Pam his position as Foreign Secretary. But then what would we do for entertainment around here? Someone has to sprinkle drama on top of every episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert finds Xenadora and vents, \u003cem>OMG, can you believe Lord Pam cozied up to the Emperor of France? Only traitors would ever want anything to do with the French! Am I right or am I right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora, who's hiding a beret, a baguette and a French language Rosetta Stone CD-ROM behind her back, smiles and slowly backs away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After bribing a maid and finding out the truth behind Disney Princess' fake illness, Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em> tells Victoria what's really going on at Disney World. Victoria asks New Footman to fetch Disney Villain. Uh oh! Maybe we don't need Lord Pam to bring the drama after all! By the look on Jo's face, she knows it's about to go down:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the kitchen, New Footman yells about how he is going to snap Disney Villain's neck like a chicken's and then declares that he'll lay down his life if it means saving Disney Princess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Jo didn't get a chance to stare down Disney Villain, Mean Butler will have to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-penge-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Don't look so surprised! You think a footman isn't capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"A good looking young man could use a Duchess for his own advancement.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Not everyone thinks like you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"You don't think I'm capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-laughing-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain is called to the \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">principal's\u003c/span> Queen's office to explain himself. He prattles on about how he had no choice but to lock Disney Princess up because she suffers from \"hysterical nymphomania.\" Victoria doesn't waste any time laying down some feminist truth: \"In my experience, men only call women mad when they're doing something inconvenient.\" She demands that he release Disney Princess at once and, before he has a chance to disagree, says \"You may leave us, \"which is polite British for \"Get the F out of my face before I have you exiled.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, Bertie runs into Victoria's bedroom and shakes her awake to announce that Albert is dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bolts out of bed and rushes to find that Albert is not dead, just napping. Bertie really needs to stay in tutoring, if he can't tell the difference between a sleeping person and a corpse. Then again, his 30-year-old mother just recently found out humans can't breathe underwater, so maybe I should cut him some slack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, it's finally time for the Great Exhibition! We were promised the most impressive innovations from around the world. Instead, we got stylish taxidermied ferrets and musical frogs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109846\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"216\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-160x72.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-800x360.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-768x345.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1200x539.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM.png 1900w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-800x430.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-768x412.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1200x644.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM.png 1598w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria, Albert and the kids take off for the Exhibition, some Homeland Security guy, who turns out to be Nine Fingers from earlier this season, pops up to say that someone in the crowd might try to attack them. Victoria thinks the possibility over for a millisecond before saying, \u003cem>Meh, I've been shot at a bunch of times and the assassins always mess up. See y'all there!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Great Exhibition Hall is a huge hit and no one tries to kill the Queen. Yay! But someone still might end up dead because a newly freed Disney Princess is already tempting fate by hanging out with New Footman in plain view. He has made arrangements for the two of them to leave for America later that evening; all she has to do is meet him at the train station. Disney Princess really wants to, but worries about leaving her son behind, so New Footman tries to ease her concern: \u003cem>Your son is basically an adult. 10 is the new 20! He'll be fine!\u003c/em> Quite the flimsy argument, but let's just go along with it because I want to watch their \u003cem>90210\u003c/em> spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman spots Mean Butler spying on them and walks over to have it out. Their chat goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I quit!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sorry that I misjudged you as a scammer who was looking for a come-up. I can see that you actually had good intentions the whole time. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LOL, no, you were totally right. I am a scammer looking for a come-up. I just happened to fall in love during this particular scam.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>This reminds me of a time a lady and I were...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yeah, I don't care. Bye forever!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Vicky Jr. is introduced to the much older Prussian prince Albert has decided she will marry once she gets her period. And Edelweiss meets another cute-enough Prussian Albert picked out (damn, Al, one hobby at a time!). Bertie's little heart is crushed that he will never get the chance to incest it up with his cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109848\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-sad-omg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who is not pleased by Edelweiss being paired up with a Prussian is Xenadora, whose French vanilla fantasy has now been cancelled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109849\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/paris-audrey-hepburn-cancelled.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, earlier in this recap, I mentioned the possibility of objectifying more royal men via a poll. That time has come because why not? Let's vote on who's cuter out of Edelweiss' two potential husbands:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Napoleon?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"386\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg 386w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III-160x199.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 386px) 100vw, 386px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or this Prussian dude?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109866\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"517\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-160x207.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-800x1034.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-768x993.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-928x1200.jpg 928w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein.jpg 1584w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2269423x0Da48b3D-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:197px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different part of the exhibition hall, Disney Villain corners Mean Butler and demands to know the name of his wife's lover. But Mean Butler is good all of a sudden and tosses the little bribery ball sack and its three measly coins on the ground. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> did dramatically transferring money better:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Bertie proposes to Edelweiss, who responds with, \"Don't you think I'm a little too old for you?\" Great point, but you missed this part: \"...and don't you think it's alarming how we share a grandparent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she's also pretty much a child who doesn't have a firm grasp on what a secret is, Edelweiss blurts out that another reason she can't marry her 8-year-old first cousin is that her mother is already arranging her marriage to the French Emperor. Oh, boy, Bertie is totally going to run and tell his parents! This is about to get messy. To pull a mood from earlier in the episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In political news: After being censured by all the other old white dudes in power, Lord Pam decides to resign. On his way home, Xenadora runs up and is like, \u003cem>Hey, so about you hooking my daughter up with Louis Napoleon! Let's marry her off!\u003c/em> Lord Pam shuts it down with a quickness: \u003cem>I don't have a job anymore. Something else I don't have: an F to give about you or your daughter. Peace out! It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the hall, Victoria senses Disney Princess' plan to ditch her kid for a man and proceeds to guilt trip her for even considering leaving her child behind. Don't listen to her, Disney Princess! 10 is the new 20! Go to America and enjoy New Footman's \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png\">boat-censored parts \u003c/a>for the rest of your days!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the Exhibition, Edelweiss tries to make things up to Bertie by gifting him a piece of chocolate. He smacks it out of her hand and runs away. Maybe because it wasn't a Kit Kat, which I recently found out is the actor who plays Bertie's favorite sweet treat.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/qYofNetNKTU'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/qYofNetNKTU'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Bertie runs into Albert and tells him all about his heartbreak and how Xenadora is trying to marry Edelweiss off to Louis Napoleon. The revenge sirens from \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> go off in Albert's ears.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109881\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"460\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg 914w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-160x123.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-800x613.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-768x588.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert tells the Queen how sneaky Xenadora is, Victoria uses every muscle in her body to suppress an \"I TOLD YOU SO!!!\" jig.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109852\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/told-ya-so.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"302\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can celebrate being right all along, Xenadora strolls in and shovels more of her BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, fam! Congrats on the exhibition and being the smartest, coolest brother-in-law ever! And thanks so much for hooking my daughter up with that Prussian dude, whom I totally want her to marry, especially cause he's not a stinky French person! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LIAR!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Fine, you caught me. I think Bertie is an idiot. I'm moving out. Bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to have a heart-to-heart with Xenadora and tells her she doesn't have to go, but Xenadora isn't hearing any of it. In her mind, she should've been Queen and that's that on that! Cold and heartless 'til the bitter end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Disney Princess is packed and about to leave for the train station, when her son stops her to share a dream he had of her abandoning him. A little too on the nose, don't you think, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers? Meanwhile, New Footman waits at the station with no Disney Princess in sight. I'm thinking he'll be waiting there for quite some time. Thanks a lot, Disney Heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Albert and Victoria revel in how successful the exhibition was. You know what else is successful? The acting prowess of Albert's left hand. Look at it go!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-hand.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"379\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make up for a season of being at each other's throats, Albert and Victoria reminisce about when she proposed to him and how happy they are with each other. They share a passionate kiss... and then Albert loses consciousness and collapses to the ground. Victoria screams his name over and over and, despite having hundreds of servants, no one comes to help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: That Cliffhanger. \u003c/strong>Sure, we can Google Albert's death date to find out if this is really serious or not, but it's still rude! As is making us wonder whether Disney Princess really stood New Footman up or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106086\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/how-rude-stephanie-tanner-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Ernst. \u003c/strong>Not even one measly appearance this entire season?? But they found the time to trot out everyone's least favorite character, Uncle Leopold? What gives? Sure, Ernst was probably busy applying that poison powder to his diseased penis, but he needs to get it under control 'cause Season 4 needs him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Bertie\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>His incest wish may not have come true, but he's still a winner, considering how much screen time he grabbed all season. The actor who plays him is going to be able to buy so many Kit Kats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Edelweiss.\u003c/strong> Imagine having Xenadora as your mom. Or, worse than that, imagine your two suitors both being that butt ugly. But Louis Napoleon's genes aren't all bad; check out his hot son!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impe%CC%81rial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"477\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-160x254.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-800x1272.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-768x1221.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-755x1200.jpg 755w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam and Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Love them or love to hate them, these two newbies brought the drama this season. Without them, it would have just been 8 full hours of Victoria and Albert arguing. And lord knows we've seen enough of that for a lifetime.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109872\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/stop-fighting-please.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_109879","label":"pop"},"pop_108301":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108301","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108301","score":null,"sort":[1551431262000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love","publishDate":1551431262,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Bertie wished his mom was dead so he could be king and never have to go to tutoring again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109626\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feodora was still shamelessly on her BS:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109628\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There was a very random gendered dance battle:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And mommy and daddy fought:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lot:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the royal couple use their tried-and-true method of making up and create yet another baby? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show does open with a couple bumping uglies, but it's not Victoria and Albert this time; it's Disney Princess and New Footman! If you thought they were taking way too many risks last episode with all that, um, \"wax-spilling\" in the linen closet, you'll probably have opinions about how they've now upgraded to boinking during Footman's daytime shift! They are both the Samantha of their respective friend groups and they don't care who knows it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109783\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/samantha-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ho-ing it up is great fun and all, but a word of warning: The Season 2 Gays only made out once or twice and we all saw what happened to them. This will not end well!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if doom isn't about to smack the after-sex glow right off of them, Disney Princess and New Footman make plans to run off to California together. To be honest, I would watch that spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In way less exciting news, it's time for Albert to get a random new hobby that'll only last the length of one episode. Last week, it was redesigning a coin. This week, it's teaming up with some dude named Henry Cole to put on a glorified middle school science fair. Albert is so pumped about his new hobby that—in what might be a first—he cracks a joke!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I have never met a man with quite so much energy. If you want steam, get Cole!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, calling it a joke was generous. Here's hoping his next hobby isn't taking up stand-up comedy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Athens, Greece. Some British guy called Don Pacifico (you can't convince me this man isn't actually a Mexcian beer) was attacked. From what we see, it looks like the worst thing that happened was people came into his kitchen and threw his lemons on the ground.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Regardless, Lord Pam is steaming mad and wants to send a message to the world: Don't Mess With \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">Texas\u003c/span> The Fruit of British Subjects! He advocates for a naval blockade because Britain hasn't been embroiled in enough war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman walks through the kitchen while still getting dressed after his afternoon delight. When Mean Butler calls him out on his sloppiness, New Footman snaps back, \"My appearance has always upset you. Why should today be any different?\" He's really asking for a cruel fate, huh?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Mean Butler agrees to spy on the lovebirds for Disney Villain. What does he get in return? A tiny cup of wine and an even tinier leather ball sack filled with a few coins. What a cheap date!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the lady-in-waiting who sexed up Lord Pam back in the day warns Disney Princess to be less of a Samantha and more of a Charlotte. She shares a story about a woman who had a \"criminal conversation\" with Lord M and ended up penniless and having her children taken away. Okay, how criminal are we talking here? Why wasn't this a storyline? We have time for Albert to be obsessed with trains and toilets, but no time for this juiciness? C'mon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109803\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/give-it-to-me-elsa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"172\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The British public freaks out over Albert and Cole's plan to host the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park. The papers call them the worst thing imaginable: TREE KILLER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-160x142.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-800x711.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-768x683.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1200x1067.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM.png 1550w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they're not the only ones being roasted by newspaper illustrators. Lord Pam is getting a lot of negative press for risking war over spilled milk, or in this case, spilled lemons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"385\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-160x123.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-800x617.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-768x592.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1200x925.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM.png 1518w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria is getting her fair share of criticism for giving Lord Pam carte blanche. When Albert confronts her over this, Victoria hits back by saying she wants Xenadora to go home (um, not what we were talking about, but okay). She also says this: \"You're the one who's planning to humiliate the nation with this giant gingerbread house!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Take cover, everyone! Mommy and daddy are fighting and wishing divorce was a thing in the 19th century again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Victoria, I can tolerate Bertie because he is a child. You are a 30-year-old woman who still hasn't learned to play nicely.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I am not a child, Albert!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Well, stop behaving like one!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yowzers! He didn't have to throw her age out there like that! I don't like to see them bicker like this, but there is a silver lining: being at each other's throats means they're not at each other's loins making Baby #8. And for that, I am thankful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria calls on Lord Pam to yell at him for doing the most with his blockade. Ever the deflecting expert, Lord Pam pretends Victoria is worried about the American pantaloon trend catching on with British women. That's enough of an excuse for me to remind everyone that Sybil was the best-dressed and coolest \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> character. That harem pants scene sparks joy and I'm keeping it in my brain forever and ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109769\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sybil-downton-abbey-pants.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, did y'all know \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108102/downton-abbey-is-back-watch-the-first-movie-trailer\">there's a movie coming\u003c/a>?! Her ghost better be in it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria reprimands Lord Pam for stirring things up internationally. The King of Greece is Albert's cousin, after all! Okay, another brief time-out. We as a culture are always comparing women, so let's even the score a bit and vote on who's cuter:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prince Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"680\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842-160x218.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or his cousin, King Otto?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-160x199.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-800x993.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-768x953.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-967x1200.jpg 967w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2266906xeCd0F204-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:269px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Glad that's settled. Moving on...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam tells Victoria that blood relatives sometimes suck and deserve to be blockaded. Victoria wonders if they can drop Xenadora into the English Channel and put a bunch of ships around her so she never comes back to the palace. But, based on how Victoria's last maritime adventure went...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...I'd advise Vic to stick to dry land.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Side note: R.I.P. Babyface Maid! I have not forgotten or forgiven that awful storyline! The writers did her as dirty as the water that gave her and her gestating baby cholera. Which reminds me that I need to get around to creating a White House petition to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"504\" height=\"283\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 504px) 100vw, 504px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Taking advice from Lord Pam, Victoria decides that if she can't beat Xenadora, she'll just grant her favors and hope for the best. All Xenadora wants for Christmas is for her 16-year-old daughter to be presented at court. Victoria is like, \u003cem>You have a daughter\u003c/em>? Okay, I'm starting to see why Xenadora might have an issue with her little sis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at New Footman and Disney Princess' Coital Cottage, Mean Butler watches through the window as the lovebirds have their first fight. Disney Princess is concerned that her husband knows about their affair, but New Footman is like, \u003cem>Don't worry about it! Last time I hooked up with my Duchess employer, her husband just paid me to leave. No biggie! \u003c/em>So he's used the skinny-dip-to-get-their-attention, hide-your-bits-behind-a-boat-and-then-reel-'em-in-with-a-look-and-a-smile technique before!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/turns-out-im-a-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feeling betrayed, Disney Princess runs away, but New Footman finds her that evening and explains: \u003cem>Sure, I slept with my boss lady to get ahead in life, but I pinky promise that I'm not using you! Wanna make out?\u003c/em> Because Disney Princess' standards are low after living with a monster for years, she immediately accepts this mediocre at best defense. Meanwhile, Mean Butler eyes his little glass of wine and his tiny coin sack, which turns out to only hold three coins. You're going to snitch and ruin lives for just three coins??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109792\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/choices-tatiana-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in Albert's study, this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, wanna be the Commander in Chief so that people stop calling you a tree killer?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't have time for nepotism right now! Can't you see I'm busy with my random new hobby?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And later:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, guess what? I'm planning on doing a favor for Xenadora. See? I'm nice again! I promise I won't slap you across the face or throw a drink in your face or break a skull sculpture again! Now can we start having sex again?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Xenadora pretend to like each other while shooting arrows at a target. They finally find common ground by realizing that they both hate their mother. Neat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Did this scene remind anyone of the shooting scene from \u003cem>The Favourite\u003c/em> (which should have won this year's Best Picture Oscar, if you ask me!). I was waiting for something like this to happen:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/favourite-gunshot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, Lord Pam gives a fancy speech and everyone forgets he almost got the country into a needless war over one guy getting jumped. Later, he rides through the park with Victoria and explains that it doesn't matter what the papers say, as long as you have tons of confidence and no shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Bertie runs into Albert's study and says, \u003cem>Hey, dad! I can read! See, this headline says that you are bringing shame on our entire country! Yay, tutoring! \u003c/em>Albert dies a little inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different wing, Disney Princess gets a letter announcing that her son has come back from boarding school early. It's a trap! Don't go! On her way out, she and New Footman renew their vow to move to California together. Yeah, good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Victoria returns home, she finds out that Albert has given up on his hobby. She runs to tell him the news: It doesn't matter what newspapers say about them! They don't have to take in criticism! They're the ruling class and can do whatever they want!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Albert is taking an overly dramatic grumpy walk in the pouring rain. (That's exactly what I do when I can't build a multi-million dollar temporary structure that no one asked for.) Albert may or may not be crying, but he is most certainly having a full-blown existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/crying-rain-albert-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"426\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds him, apologizes for not believing in him and says, \"I married a dreamer, not a soldier!\" They embrace in the eye of the rainstorm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em> already exists. Calm down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Princess comes home to find that her kid is indeed home from boarding school. So it wasn't a trap? Good for her!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-you-had-me-nervous-lc-the-hills.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a second! What's going on here? The maid rushes her son away. And Disney Villain appears with two doctors. He's putting Disney Princess in a loony bin!!! Beverly Hills 9021-Uh Oh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-lauren-conrad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Princess spits in Disney Villain's face as they drag her away. It's a full-circle moment. Remember when that memorable extra really put his back into spitting on her carriage window?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, an architect figures out a way to build a glass exhibition hall that can house the world's coolest innovations without killing trees. Huzzah! Victoria and Albert celebrate by fooling around in bed, once again ensuring that the world will have an overpopulation problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Disney Villain.\u003c/strong> How dare he stand in the way of the 90210 prequel we deserve?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>The Newspaper Illustrator. \u003c/strong>So prolific. So shady. Keep up the good work!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Albert used her age as a weapon and fell asleep while she was talking. Both good reasons to throw another drink in his face, but she kept it cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/you-know-what-that-is-growth-insecure-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: King Otto\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>For being way hotter than his cousin, Albert. I didn't want to sway the poll by mentioning my opinion, but now you know that Otto could get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Abused Greek Lemons. \u003c/strong>They didn't deserve to be thrown to the ground like that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"This episode will make you cheer on adultery and teach you not to mess with fruit that belongs to Brits.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663820,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":119,"wordCount":2381},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love | KQED","description":"This episode will make you cheer on adultery and teach you not to mess with fruit that belongs to Brits.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108301 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108301","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/03/01/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love","path":"/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Bertie wished his mom was dead so he could be king and never have to go to tutoring again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109626\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feodora was still shamelessly on her BS:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109628\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There was a very random gendered dance battle:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109623\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And mommy and daddy fought:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109624\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lot:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will the royal couple use their tried-and-true method of making up and create yet another baby? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show does open with a couple bumping uglies, but it's not Victoria and Albert this time; it's Disney Princess and New Footman! If you thought they were taking way too many risks last episode with all that, um, \"wax-spilling\" in the linen closet, you'll probably have opinions about how they've now upgraded to boinking during Footman's daytime shift! They are both the Samantha of their respective friend groups and they don't care who knows it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109783\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/samantha-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ho-ing it up is great fun and all, but a word of warning: The Season 2 Gays only made out once or twice and we all saw what happened to them. This will not end well!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if doom isn't about to smack the after-sex glow right off of them, Disney Princess and New Footman make plans to run off to California together. To be honest, I would watch that spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In way less exciting news, it's time for Albert to get a random new hobby that'll only last the length of one episode. Last week, it was redesigning a coin. This week, it's teaming up with some dude named Henry Cole to put on a glorified middle school science fair. Albert is so pumped about his new hobby that—in what might be a first—he cracks a joke!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I have never met a man with quite so much energy. If you want steam, get Cole!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-20490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/00FakeLaugh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, calling it a joke was generous. Here's hoping his next hobby isn't taking up stand-up comedy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Athens, Greece. Some British guy called Don Pacifico (you can't convince me this man isn't actually a Mexcian beer) was attacked. From what we see, it looks like the worst thing that happened was people came into his kitchen and threw his lemons on the ground.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Regardless, Lord Pam is steaming mad and wants to send a message to the world: Don't Mess With \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">Texas\u003c/span> The Fruit of British Subjects! He advocates for a naval blockade because Britain hasn't been embroiled in enough war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman walks through the kitchen while still getting dressed after his afternoon delight. When Mean Butler calls him out on his sloppiness, New Footman snaps back, \"My appearance has always upset you. Why should today be any different?\" He's really asking for a cruel fate, huh?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Mean Butler agrees to spy on the lovebirds for Disney Villain. What does he get in return? A tiny cup of wine and an even tinier leather ball sack filled with a few coins. What a cheap date!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the lady-in-waiting who sexed up Lord Pam back in the day warns Disney Princess to be less of a Samantha and more of a Charlotte. She shares a story about a woman who had a \"criminal conversation\" with Lord M and ended up penniless and having her children taken away. Okay, how criminal are we talking here? Why wasn't this a storyline? We have time for Albert to be obsessed with trains and toilets, but no time for this juiciness? C'mon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109803\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/give-it-to-me-elsa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"172\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The British public freaks out over Albert and Cole's plan to host the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park. The papers call them the worst thing imaginable: TREE KILLER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"445\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1020x907.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-160x142.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-800x711.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-768x683.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM-1200x1067.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-8.27.51-PM.png 1550w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they're not the only ones being roasted by newspaper illustrators. Lord Pam is getting a lot of negative press for risking war over spilled milk, or in this case, spilled lemons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"385\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1020x786.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-160x123.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-800x617.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-768x592.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM-1200x925.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-28-at-10.09.58-PM.png 1518w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria is getting her fair share of criticism for giving Lord Pam carte blanche. When Albert confronts her over this, Victoria hits back by saying she wants Xenadora to go home (um, not what we were talking about, but okay). She also says this: \"You're the one who's planning to humiliate the nation with this giant gingerbread house!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Take cover, everyone! Mommy and daddy are fighting and wishing divorce was a thing in the 19th century again!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Victoria, I can tolerate Bertie because he is a child. You are a 30-year-old woman who still hasn't learned to play nicely.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I am not a child, Albert!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"Well, stop behaving like one!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yowzers! He didn't have to throw her age out there like that! I don't like to see them bicker like this, but there is a silver lining: being at each other's throats means they're not at each other's loins making Baby #8. And for that, I am thankful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Victoria calls on Lord Pam to yell at him for doing the most with his blockade. Ever the deflecting expert, Lord Pam pretends Victoria is worried about the American pantaloon trend catching on with British women. That's enough of an excuse for me to remind everyone that Sybil was the best-dressed and coolest \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em> character. That harem pants scene sparks joy and I'm keeping it in my brain forever and ever.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109769\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sybil-downton-abbey-pants.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of \u003cem>Downton\u003c/em>, did y'all know \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108102/downton-abbey-is-back-watch-the-first-movie-trailer\">there's a movie coming\u003c/a>?! Her ghost better be in it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria reprimands Lord Pam for stirring things up internationally. The King of Greece is Albert's cousin, after all! Okay, another brief time-out. We as a culture are always comparing women, so let's even the score a bit and vote on who's cuter:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prince Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"680\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/640px-Prince_Albert_-_Franz_Xaver_Winterhalter_1842-160x218.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or his cousin, King Otto?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"620\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-1020x1265.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-160x199.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-800x993.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-768x953.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto-967x1200.jpg 967w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/king-otto.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2266906xeCd0F204-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:269px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Glad that's settled. Moving on...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam tells Victoria that blood relatives sometimes suck and deserve to be blockaded. Victoria wonders if they can drop Xenadora into the English Channel and put a bunch of ships around her so she never comes back to the palace. But, based on how Victoria's last maritime adventure went...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...I'd advise Vic to stick to dry land.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Side note: R.I.P. Babyface Maid! I have not forgotten or forgiven that awful storyline! The writers did her as dirty as the water that gave her and her gestating baby cholera. Which reminds me that I need to get around to creating a White House petition to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"504\" height=\"283\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 504px) 100vw, 504px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Taking advice from Lord Pam, Victoria decides that if she can't beat Xenadora, she'll just grant her favors and hope for the best. All Xenadora wants for Christmas is for her 16-year-old daughter to be presented at court. Victoria is like, \u003cem>You have a daughter\u003c/em>? Okay, I'm starting to see why Xenadora might have an issue with her little sis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at New Footman and Disney Princess' Coital Cottage, Mean Butler watches through the window as the lovebirds have their first fight. Disney Princess is concerned that her husband knows about their affair, but New Footman is like, \u003cem>Don't worry about it! Last time I hooked up with my Duchess employer, her husband just paid me to leave. No biggie! \u003c/em>So he's used the skinny-dip-to-get-their-attention, hide-your-bits-behind-a-boat-and-then-reel-'em-in-with-a-look-and-a-smile technique before!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/turns-out-im-a-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Feeling betrayed, Disney Princess runs away, but New Footman finds her that evening and explains: \u003cem>Sure, I slept with my boss lady to get ahead in life, but I pinky promise that I'm not using you! Wanna make out?\u003c/em> Because Disney Princess' standards are low after living with a monster for years, she immediately accepts this mediocre at best defense. Meanwhile, Mean Butler eyes his little glass of wine and his tiny coin sack, which turns out to only hold three coins. You're going to snitch and ruin lives for just three coins??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109792\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/choices-tatiana-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in Albert's study, this happens:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, wanna be the Commander in Chief so that people stop calling you a tree killer?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't have time for nepotism right now! Can't you see I'm busy with my random new hobby?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And later:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, guess what? I'm planning on doing a favor for Xenadora. See? I'm nice again! I promise I won't slap you across the face or throw a drink in your face or break a skull sculpture again! Now can we start having sex again?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria and Xenadora pretend to like each other while shooting arrows at a target. They finally find common ground by realizing that they both hate their mother. Neat!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Did this scene remind anyone of the shooting scene from \u003cem>The Favourite\u003c/em> (which should have won this year's Best Picture Oscar, if you ask me!). I was waiting for something like this to happen:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/favourite-gunshot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Parliament, Lord Pam gives a fancy speech and everyone forgets he almost got the country into a needless war over one guy getting jumped. Later, he rides through the park with Victoria and explains that it doesn't matter what the papers say, as long as you have tons of confidence and no shame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Bertie runs into Albert's study and says, \u003cem>Hey, dad! I can read! See, this headline says that you are bringing shame on our entire country! Yay, tutoring! \u003c/em>Albert dies a little inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different wing, Disney Princess gets a letter announcing that her son has come back from boarding school early. It's a trap! Don't go! On her way out, she and New Footman renew their vow to move to California together. Yeah, good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Victoria returns home, she finds out that Albert has given up on his hobby. She runs to tell him the news: It doesn't matter what newspapers say about them! They don't have to take in criticism! They're the ruling class and can do whatever they want!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Albert is taking an overly dramatic grumpy walk in the pouring rain. (That's exactly what I do when I can't build a multi-million dollar temporary structure that no one asked for.) Albert may or may not be crying, but he is most certainly having a full-blown existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/crying-rain-albert-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"426\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria finds him, apologizes for not believing in him and says, \"I married a dreamer, not a soldier!\" They embrace in the eye of the rainstorm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dear \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers, \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em> already exists. Calm down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Princess comes home to find that her kid is indeed home from boarding school. So it wasn't a trap? Good for her!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-you-had-me-nervous-lc-the-hills.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a second! What's going on here? The maid rushes her son away. And Disney Villain appears with two doctors. He's putting Disney Princess in a loony bin!!! Beverly Hills 9021-Uh Oh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-lauren-conrad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Princess spits in Disney Villain's face as they drag her away. It's a full-circle moment. Remember when that memorable extra really put his back into spitting on her carriage window?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, an architect figures out a way to build a glass exhibition hall that can house the world's coolest innovations without killing trees. Huzzah! Victoria and Albert celebrate by fooling around in bed, once again ensuring that the world will have an overpopulation problem.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Disney Villain.\u003c/strong> How dare he stand in the way of the 90210 prequel we deserve?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>The Newspaper Illustrator. \u003c/strong>So prolific. So shady. Keep up the good work!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Albert used her age as a weapon and fell asleep while she was talking. Both good reasons to throw another drink in his face, but she kept it cute.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106345\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/you-know-what-that-is-growth-insecure-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: King Otto\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>For being way hotter than his cousin, Albert. I didn't want to sway the poll by mentioning my opinion, but now you know that Otto could get it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD:\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Abused Greek Lemons. \u003c/strong>They didn't deserve to be thrown to the ground like that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_109808","label":"pop"},"pop_108299":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108299","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108299","score":null,"sort":[1550464584000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain","publishDate":1550464584,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, yet another assassin tried to kill the Queen. Scary stuff, yet this guy was thoroughly entertained:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain continued to be the worst:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The writers used an aquatic vessel as a censor bar:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman's nose got really smooshed:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria got pregnant for the gazillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this point, even her own children are starting to judge her for \u003cem>still\u003c/em> refusing to use protection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How drawn out will this pregnancy storyline be? And what kind of ridiculous object will the writers plop in front of New Footman's bits this time? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blessed be! The stork has already delivered Baby #7! We get to skip sitting through another tiresome pregnancy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veep-prayer-worked.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now we can focus on more important things!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like everyone sitting around looking at unexciting old selfies!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait, what?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-this-is-boring.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Have you ever watched someone blankly scroll through their Instagram feed? Yeah, that apparently also happened in the 19th century too, but with rudimentary self-portrait sketches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone points and laughs at a selfie of Victoria bathing one of her countless children. \u003cem>LOL! You nurtured your own child one time? What are you, a poor person?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nearby, Bertie is using all the time he once spent studying French and arithmetic on something new: learning whether all his marbles will fit up his little brother's nose. Victoria yells at him and thinks to herself:\u003cem> I should have used protection like that delightful recapper has continuously suggested since Season 1!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-told-you-so-colbert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"339\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. agrees with me and takes the words right out of my mouth: \"Is the new baby making her feel cross? I don't understand why she keeps getting them.\" It's truly a mystery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*glances at my watch* Oh, would you look at the time! It's Albert-Gets-A-Random-New-Hobby o'clock! Trains, toilets, bullying that little African girl they adopted for a hot second last season, trying to make science happen at Cambridge, and now... redesigning a 10 pence coin. How thrilling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Almost as thrilling (i.e. not at all) as Uncle Leopold dropping by for a visit. His presence is actually fitting in this selfie-centric episode because remember last season when he gave Albert a locket with a picture of himself inside to apologize for secretly being his dad?\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I went on to turn his selfie locket apology into a meme every time he did something wrong, which was often.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101981\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101994\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It would be easier to tolerate Leopold's presence if he had brought along Ernst. Where has he been all season?? I want an update on how many more women he's given syphilis to!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of people who have a hard (no pun intended) time keeping it in their pants, New Footman is holding a candelabra over Disney Princess, as she plays the piano. He doesn't understand why she's icing him out after their sexy frolic on the beach. Apparently, for Disney Princess, what happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland (no word on her stance on what happens in Vegas).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before New Footman can make any progress, Mean Butler shows up and says, \"Would you like me to arrange for an oil lamp by the piano, if there's not enough light? I'm worried that New Footman might spill wax on you.\" I'm no psychic, but I predict there will be a different kind of spillage between these two very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to the gutter to collect my mind*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don't judge me. I saw your mind in there too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With all the almost revolutions and cholera outbreaks and assassination attempts, it's been a while since Victoria threw a rager, so she announces a ball celebrating the fashions of the last century. Disney Villain tells Disney Princess she would look beautiful if she dressed up as his grandmother. Wait, why is he being nice? Surely, there's a catch of some kind, but there's no time to investigate because Bertie lost his pet mouse and needs help finding it! You know who else had a pet mouse growing up? Michael Jackson. And look at how well he turned out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/too-soon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"247\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across Britain, paperboys scream, \u003cem>Extra! Extra! Someone hacked the Queen's iCloud account and leaked all her boring selfies! Read all about it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is outraged that the public will now imagine her stooping so low as to bathe her own children! The horror! She vows to sue the printer for treason... until everyone explains to her that that's not a thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/brain-wizard-of-oz.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in the park, Xenadora is trotting on a brand new horse while rocking a flashy new outfit. It seems as though she's making bank off of selling invitations to the ball. Don't hate the player, hate the game.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While all the other children attend their tutoring lessons and learn that an abacus is not a musical instrument nor something you put on your head, Bertie plays hooky with his pet mouse, Fievel Mousekewitz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert catches him, Bertie screams, \"I hope mama dies soon so I can be king and I can do anything I want!\" Wow! It wasn't right when Cambridge Tutor Dude abused Bertie, but what about if we let an inanimate object—say, a swinging saloon door perhaps—do the dirty work for us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's going to leave a mark. No one ever said karma was gentle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, after overhearing Disney Princess telling everyone about her costume idea for the ball, New Footman warns her that Disney Villain's grandmother was famous for sleeping around, having her children taken away and committing suicide. \u003cem>It's a trap! Now let's make out so hard that my nose gets smooshed!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nose-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"405\" height=\"369\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert summons a phrenology expert to measure Bertie's skull and determine whether he is super duper dumb or just a little bit dumb. Prognosis: Super duper, with a side of inherited insanity, courtesy of his great grandfather, the mad King George. Not sure what they expected with all that incest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This episode has been pretty grim so far. What we need is a good old fashioned girls vs. boys dance off! Hit it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So random, yet so right. This show knows how to pull me back in (usually it's with skinny dipping, but this is cool too).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of getting naked, Disney Princess finds New Footman in the hallways and asks if he can help her with her \"rather constricting\" bodice. As you might imagine, New Footman's response is in the neighborhood of \u003cem>UM, HELL YEAH!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They duck into a linen closet and New Footman asks, \"Where exactly do you require my assistance.\" Disney Princess grabs his hand and puts it on her left boob. Okay then! Let the \"wax\" pouring begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the dance floor, Victoria notices two people who are actually having fun and immediately suspects they aren't aristocratic enough to be there. It doesn't take long before she realizes Xenadora has been selling invitations for sapphire tiaras and horses and other cool stuff. When Victoria confronts her, Xenadora tells her not to act like a washerwoman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things don't get any nicer from there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You have made me look ridiculous!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"I think that is all your own doing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You hate me, don't you?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-9518\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/11/Michelle-Tanner-Duh-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Finally, we get an explanation of Xenadora's motivations this entire season. Remember that time Xenadora was mistily gazing at the portrait of a king and Bertie called him fat? Well, he wanted to marry Xenadora, but Leopold married Xenadora off to some random drunk German so Victoria could be Queen instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess I would be a bit annoyed by that too. Let Xenadora have her nice things and secretly plot in the background of every scene! She's been through stuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is still in a mood, this time because some Latin phrase that says God is obsessed with her was left off her new 10 pence coin. She demands to know who is responsible for this oversight. Everyone points their finger in Albert's direction.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bursts into his office and proceeds to yell about the coin and Xenadora not liking her and Bertie being dumb and how she knows Albert thinks she's dumb too. Albert calmly tells her she's being kind of crazy. Her rebuttal: Would a crazy person do THIS?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I think they would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here's a suggestion. Translate \"If you can't beat 'em, act like a total brat and break something\" into Latin and put \u003cem>that\u003c/em> on a coin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The brattiness continues at Baby #7's christening. Victoria sees Albert and Xenadora having a good time, so she chugs a glass of champagne, storms up to them and announces: \u003cem>She's been selling invitations! Do you still like her better than me? Do you?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This naturally backfires. Alberts poses an important question: \"Why do you begrudge her the crumbs from your table?\" And then he makes a face that says,\u003cem> I already have seven children, please stop acting like the eighth.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Victoria can't stop, won't stop. She tells Xenadora she wants her to move out and then follows Albert into his office to whine some more about how Xenadora hates her. By this point, Albert has had it officially, so he says, \"I think your intellect is over-taxed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Would an over-taxed intellect do this?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why, yes. Yes, it would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Something about being smacked in the mouth inspires Albert to speak some hard truth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"When did you stop loving me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I do love you, just as I love the children.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"That's not what I meant.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I know, but it is all I have left.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once more with feeling:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dejected, Victoria roams the halls, feeling sorry for herself, when she finds Bertie, also feeling sorry for himself 'cause he's lost Fievel again. They embrace on the ground and Bertie says, \"Papa doesn't love me anymore cause I'm stupid.\" Victoria thinks, \u003cem>That makes two of us.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-are-you-idiot-sandwich.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Sure, this is her show and all, but she's been really insufferable lately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67693\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67692\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Vicky Jr. \u003c/strong>She can be kind of a teacher's pet, but her saying \"I don't understand why she keeps getting them\" about Victoria's continuous pregnancies makes her a winner in my book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Stork. \u003c/strong>For delivering Baby #7 between episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess and New Footman\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting to pour some wax. They deserve it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>For wearing not one, not two, but THREE bows in his long white braid. Werk!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png 600w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM-160x152.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"The Queen throws a ball and everyone wigs out, literally and figuratively.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663672,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":121,"wordCount":2106},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain | KQED","description":"The Queen throws a ball and everyone wigs out, literally and figuratively.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108299 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108299","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/02/17/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain","path":"/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, yet another assassin tried to kill the Queen. Scary stuff, yet this guy was thoroughly entertained:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain continued to be the worst:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The writers used an aquatic vessel as a censor bar:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman's nose got really smooshed:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"357\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And Victoria got pregnant for the gazillionth time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this point, even her own children are starting to judge her for \u003cem>still\u003c/em> refusing to use protection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How drawn out will this pregnancy storyline be? And what kind of ridiculous object will the writers plop in front of New Footman's bits this time? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blessed be! The stork has already delivered Baby #7! We get to skip sitting through another tiresome pregnancy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109468\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veep-prayer-worked.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now we can focus on more important things!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like everyone sitting around looking at unexciting old selfies!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait, what?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109469\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-this-is-boring.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Have you ever watched someone blankly scroll through their Instagram feed? Yeah, that apparently also happened in the 19th century too, but with rudimentary self-portrait sketches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone points and laughs at a selfie of Victoria bathing one of her countless children. \u003cem>LOL! You nurtured your own child one time? What are you, a poor person?! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nearby, Bertie is using all the time he once spent studying French and arithmetic on something new: learning whether all his marbles will fit up his little brother's nose. Victoria yells at him and thinks to herself:\u003cem> I should have used protection like that delightful recapper has continuously suggested since Season 1!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109471\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-told-you-so-colbert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"339\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. agrees with me and takes the words right out of my mouth: \"Is the new baby making her feel cross? I don't understand why she keeps getting them.\" It's truly a mystery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*glances at my watch* Oh, would you look at the time! It's Albert-Gets-A-Random-New-Hobby o'clock! Trains, toilets, bullying that little African girl they adopted for a hot second last season, trying to make science happen at Cambridge, and now... redesigning a 10 pence coin. How thrilling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Almost as thrilling (i.e. not at all) as Uncle Leopold dropping by for a visit. His presence is actually fitting in this selfie-centric episode because remember last season when he gave Albert a locket with a picture of himself inside to apologize for secretly being his dad?\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101974\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/my-bad-locket-victoria-leopold.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I went on to turn his selfie locket apology into a meme every time he did something wrong, which was often.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101981\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cb.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-101994\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/cockblock-again.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"326\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It would be easier to tolerate Leopold's presence if he had brought along Ernst. Where has he been all season?? I want an update on how many more women he's given syphilis to!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98257\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/syphilis2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of people who have a hard (no pun intended) time keeping it in their pants, New Footman is holding a candelabra over Disney Princess, as she plays the piano. He doesn't understand why she's icing him out after their sexy frolic on the beach. Apparently, for Disney Princess, what happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland (no word on her stance on what happens in Vegas).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before New Footman can make any progress, Mean Butler shows up and says, \"Would you like me to arrange for an oil lamp by the piano, if there's not enough light? I'm worried that New Footman might spill wax on you.\" I'm no psychic, but I predict there will be a different kind of spillage between these two very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to the gutter to collect my mind*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don't judge me. I saw your mind in there too!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With all the almost revolutions and cholera outbreaks and assassination attempts, it's been a while since Victoria threw a rager, so she announces a ball celebrating the fashions of the last century. Disney Villain tells Disney Princess she would look beautiful if she dressed up as his grandmother. Wait, why is he being nice? Surely, there's a catch of some kind, but there's no time to investigate because Bertie lost his pet mouse and needs help finding it! You know who else had a pet mouse growing up? Michael Jackson. And look at how well he turned out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109473\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/too-soon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"247\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across Britain, paperboys scream, \u003cem>Extra! Extra! Someone hacked the Queen's iCloud account and leaked all her boring selfies! Read all about it!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is outraged that the public will now imagine her stooping so low as to bathe her own children! The horror! She vows to sue the printer for treason... until everyone explains to her that that's not a thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109492\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/brain-wizard-of-oz.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in the park, Xenadora is trotting on a brand new horse while rocking a flashy new outfit. It seems as though she's making bank off of selling invitations to the ball. Don't hate the player, hate the game.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While all the other children attend their tutoring lessons and learn that an abacus is not a musical instrument nor something you put on your head, Bertie plays hooky with his pet mouse, Fievel Mousekewitz.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert catches him, Bertie screams, \"I hope mama dies soon so I can be king and I can do anything I want!\" Wow! It wasn't right when Cambridge Tutor Dude abused Bertie, but what about if we let an inanimate object—say, a swinging saloon door perhaps—do the dirty work for us?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109488\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's going to leave a mark. No one ever said karma was gentle.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, after overhearing Disney Princess telling everyone about her costume idea for the ball, New Footman warns her that Disney Villain's grandmother was famous for sleeping around, having her children taken away and committing suicide. \u003cem>It's a trap! Now let's make out so hard that my nose gets smooshed!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nose-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"405\" height=\"369\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert summons a phrenology expert to measure Bertie's skull and determine whether he is super duper dumb or just a little bit dumb. Prognosis: Super duper, with a side of inherited insanity, courtesy of his great grandfather, the mad King George. Not sure what they expected with all that incest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This episode has been pretty grim so far. What we need is a good old fashioned girls vs. boys dance off! Hit it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109476\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dance-off.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So random, yet so right. This show knows how to pull me back in (usually it's with skinny dipping, but this is cool too).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of getting naked, Disney Princess finds New Footman in the hallways and asks if he can help her with her \"rather constricting\" bodice. As you might imagine, New Footman's response is in the neighborhood of \u003cem>UM, HELL YEAH!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They duck into a linen closet and New Footman asks, \"Where exactly do you require my assistance.\" Disney Princess grabs his hand and puts it on her left boob. Okay then! Let the \"wax\" pouring begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the dance floor, Victoria notices two people who are actually having fun and immediately suspects they aren't aristocratic enough to be there. It doesn't take long before she realizes Xenadora has been selling invitations for sapphire tiaras and horses and other cool stuff. When Victoria confronts her, Xenadora tells her not to act like a washerwoman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things don't get any nicer from there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You have made me look ridiculous!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"I think that is all your own doing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You hate me, don't you?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-9518\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/11/Michelle-Tanner-Duh-Full-House.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Finally, we get an explanation of Xenadora's motivations this entire season. Remember that time Xenadora was mistily gazing at the portrait of a king and Bertie called him fat? Well, he wanted to marry Xenadora, but Leopold married Xenadora off to some random drunk German so Victoria could be Queen instead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess I would be a bit annoyed by that too. Let Xenadora have her nice things and secretly plot in the background of every scene! She's been through stuff!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Victoria is still in a mood, this time because some Latin phrase that says God is obsessed with her was left off her new 10 pence coin. She demands to know who is responsible for this oversight. Everyone points their finger in Albert's direction.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bursts into his office and proceeds to yell about the coin and Xenadora not liking her and Bertie being dumb and how she knows Albert thinks she's dumb too. Albert calmly tells her she's being kind of crazy. Her rebuttal: Would a crazy person do THIS?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109484\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/break.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, yeah, I think they would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here's a suggestion. Translate \"If you can't beat 'em, act like a total brat and break something\" into Latin and put \u003cem>that\u003c/em> on a coin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The brattiness continues at Baby #7's christening. Victoria sees Albert and Xenadora having a good time, so she chugs a glass of champagne, storms up to them and announces: \u003cem>She's been selling invitations! Do you still like her better than me? Do you?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This naturally backfires. Alberts poses an important question: \"Why do you begrudge her the crumbs from your table?\" And then he makes a face that says,\u003cem> I already have seven children, please stop acting like the eighth.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Victoria can't stop, won't stop. She tells Xenadora she wants her to move out and then follows Albert into his office to whine some more about how Xenadora hates her. By this point, Albert has had it officially, so he says, \"I think your intellect is over-taxed.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Would an over-taxed intellect do this?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/slap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why, yes. Yes, it would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Something about being smacked in the mouth inspires Albert to speak some hard truth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"When did you stop loving me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I do love you, just as I love the children.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"That's not what I meant.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"I know, but it is all I have left.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once more with feeling:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/daaamn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"479\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dejected, Victoria roams the halls, feeling sorry for herself, when she finds Bertie, also feeling sorry for himself 'cause he's lost Fievel again. They embrace on the ground and Bertie says, \"Papa doesn't love me anymore cause I'm stupid.\" Victoria thinks, \u003cem>That makes two of us.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109493\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-are-you-idiot-sandwich.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria. \u003c/strong>Sure, this is her show and all, but she's been really insufferable lately.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67693\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-67692\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/03/ramona-xanax-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Vicky Jr. \u003c/strong>She can be kind of a teacher's pet, but her saying \"I don't understand why she keeps getting them\" about Victoria's continuous pregnancies makes her a winner in my book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>The Stork. \u003c/strong>For delivering Baby #7 between episodes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess and New Footman\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting to pour some wax. They deserve it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>For wearing not one, not two, but THREE bows in his long white braid. Werk!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109498\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM.png 600w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-17-at-8.25.04-PM-160x152.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_109479","label":"pop"},"pop_108293":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108293","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108293","score":null,"sort":[1549849557000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again","publishDate":1549849557,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the writers obliterated our hearts by killing off Babyface Maid. That watching experience looked a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109307\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/depressed-wine-drinking-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will this week's episode involve Babyface Maid suddenly bolting out of bed and shouting, \"PSYCH!\"? Or maybe Hot Italian Chef will wake up and realize that all of episode four was just a really bad dream? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out the nightmare is unfortunately very real (see above sobbing wino gif). Things take another dark turn when Victoria and two of her bazillion kids are out for a carriage ride. An old lady cradling a baby reveals herself to actually be a pissed off Irish dude cradling a gun!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The guy on the left is like, \u003cem>Good luck, Victoria! I'm out of here!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109285\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the guy in the middle is like, \u003cem>Can someone pass me some popcorn?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, the wannabe assassin is stopped and apprehended. Now that we know everyone is safe, allow me to share my ranking of all the wannabe assassins we've met over the past three seasons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Last place goes to Season 2 Wannabe Assassin. Remember him? Yeah, I didn't think so.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second place goes to Season 1 Wannabe Assassin, who has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of \u003cem>Project Runway.\u003c/em> Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"374\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-800x467.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-768x448.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-960x561.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-375x219.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-520x304.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And first place goes to this brand new assassin because he got gussied up in elder drag, which shows a high level of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. I look forward to seeing him compete on Season 12 of \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that that's cleared up, let's continue with the story...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up from the attempt on her life that she accidentally calls her new maid by Babyface Maid's name. Be right back, gotta go concern my neighbors with some more loud sobbing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"233\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. The new maid happens to be our old friend, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, who seems to have gotten over being duped by her traitorous crush Nine Fingers. When Victoria tells her that the Season 3 Wannabe Assassin was Irish, Jo blurts out \u003cem>Well, duh!\u003c/em> in the Queen's face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is confused: \u003cem>Surely, the Irish aren't still mad at me over the potato famine! That was so last season! \u003c/em>So Jo serves the Queen some real talk: \u003cem>Um, yeah, you could say the Irish are still upset about ONE MILLION of their compatriots dying unnecessarily. Oh, and P.S. they want to Irish goodbye right out of your kingdom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109291\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/irish-goodbye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert introduces the family to a dude he met at Cambridge who is going to help Bertie stop being so dumb. Vicky Jr. wants to know why she doesn't get a tutor too. Instead of explaining that a major tenet of the patriarchy is to keep women subjugated by depriving them of access to education, Albert opts for a simpler answer: \"You have your aunt Xenadora.\" Ah, what a comfort\u003cem> that\u003c/em> is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the writers want to distract us from the fact that they BRUTALLY KILLED OFF BABYFACE MAID FOR NO REASON, we're off on another road trip (I'll be more amenable to forgiveness if there's more skinny dipping, just saying).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This time, the gang is heading to Ireland so that the Queen can show her face and be like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Sorry about the potato thing! Now, will you stop trying to kill me? Also, does Bono live around here?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they arrive, they don't run into any members of U2 but do meet up with Lord Pam's wife. Here's the 411 on her (according to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Temple,_Viscountess_Palmerston\">her Wikipedia page\u003c/a>):\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Her brother was none other than Lord M.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her first husband was kind of a dud, so she cheated on him A LOT.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her favorite side-piece was Lord Pam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Once Hubby #1 kicked the bucket, she got hitched to Lord Pam at the ripe age of 52 (Stella got her groove back!).\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her five children were allegedly fathered by Hubby #1, but rumor has it that one was Lord Pam's and another belonged to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Andrea_Pozzo_di_Borgo\">a Corsican dude with a thing for Russia\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Oh, yeah, and she was a beekeeper!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109292\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-lord-pam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What an outfit!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109293\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Lord Pam's mansion, everyone sits for a meal and Disney Villain shares his thoughts on how women are all idiots, especially Disney Princess. New Footman briefly considers murdering Disney Villain with a tiny pair of scissors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scissors-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam calls Disney Villain a boar, so he does this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone wishes they had tiny scissors on hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert finds out what we already know thanks to Wikipedia: one of Lady Pam's daughters from her previous marriage looks an awful lot like Lord Pam. Because Albert isn't wearing any pearls to clutch, he settles for verbally expressing his shock: \"Dear God, we are among barbarians!\" Um, Al? You married your first cousin. You can get off your high horse now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark hallway, New Footman seductively whispers to Disney Princess: \"Listen close, your grace. You can hear those waves.\" The skinny dip probability meter just went way up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109296\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/pull-your-pants-down.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria and Albert are fighting again. You know who can't get into stupid fights with their spouse anymore? Babyface Maid! Because she's dead! Life is short! Get over the petty BS! Quit being brats! Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite my impassioned overuse of exclamation points, they continue bickering. Albert tells Victoria that both he and Xenadora think that she's been making terrible choices since giving birth to Baby #6. This does not go over well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I don't shed a part of my brain every time I have a baby! Dear God, Albert, what has she been saying to you? I was speaking tonight and you rolled your eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You were not meant to see that.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oof, this is painful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time to check in on what weird stuff Xenadora is up to back in London. Oh, nothing major, just pressuring the kids to drink alcohol with their breakfast.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109298\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/happy-hour-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109297\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/im-not-a-regular-mom-im-a-cool-mom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Ireland, Lady Pam blows Victoria's mind by detailing how she and Lord Pam are in an open relationship and that, when the beehive is a-rockin', they agree not to come a-knockin'. Victoria thinks to herself, \u003cem>Well, if Albert keeps up this bratty thing, maybe Baby #7 can be fathered by someone else (perhaps even someone I'm not related to!).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the beach, Disney Princess is on a stroll, thinking about where she can get a pair of tiny scissors when she runs into a naked post-skinny-dip New Footman! Bingo! The \"Field Trip = Nudity\" formula never fails on this show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is that a boat on its side or are you just happy to see me?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The correct answer is both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman eventually gets dressed, but from the thirsty look on Disney Princess' face, she's already undressing him again with her eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109308\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/undressing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They get to talking about how both of them find themselves without power, he with an abusive boss and she with an abusive husband. Not one to waste any time 'cause people are known to CONTRACT CHOLERA AND SUDDENLY DIE AROUND HERE (still bitter about it, can you tell?), Disney Princess says, \"I should like you to kiss me.\" New Footman proves that he has game by saying, \"I offer you love, Disney Princess. Nothing less.\" Then they make out at long last, and New Footman's nose gets very squished!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"335\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the mansion, Victoria wakes up from a nap and pukes. Hope y'all enjoyed the one or two episodes this season without a pregnancy because Baby #7 is already on the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109301\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/push-computer-away-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Lord Pam tells Disney Princess that he knows she has \"an itch\" and that she shouldn't let a poor person scratch it. Too late!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109302\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cat-scratching-another-cat_o_679990.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the gang continues onto Dublin where Victoria has to befriend a Catholic cardinal. Their interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, my bad about the famine and not dropping by sooner. We cool? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cardinal:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I guess so, yeah. Hey, look, I got you a bird. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's nice, but I don't want it. *opens cage and lets bird fly away* Bye, bird!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War between Catholics and Protestants: postponed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward and the gang arrives back in London to discover that Bertie learned French while they were away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria also discovers that he has something that looks like a rash on his wrist. OMG, is Xenadora not only getting the children drunk, but abusing them too? Say it ain't so! I prefer her to stay creepy and sneaky, yet harmless.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disneyworld, Disney Princess finds some leftover sand in her traveling hat. She sensually uses it to exfoliate her lips because everyone on this show is a little bit of a weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/exfoliate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unbeknownst to her, Disney Villain sees the whole thing and marches over to some playboy club to threaten Lord Pam over bedding his wife. Despite me chanting \"Fight! Fight! Fight!\" at my screen, all that happens is Disney Villain drops a glass on the ground. Step it up, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers! The boys on \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> put each other's heads into roaring fireplaces, attempt to thumb each other's eyes out and throw coins in each other's faces!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Jo informs Victoria that she should be concerned about Bertie. Cut to Victoria catching Cambridge Tutor Dude as he's abusing Bertie! We don't get to see what his punishment is, but I'm gonna guess that tiny scissors are involved.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert is beside himself over the abuse, but manages to focus on a silver lining: \"Thank God we have no more children for me to damage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria doesn't waste any time bursting that bubble with news of Baby #7. Albert looks like he isn't sure if he's going to cry or puke or both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109305\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Cambridge Tutor Dude.\u003c/strong> I'm not a huge fan of kids either, which is why my job doesn't involve spending all my time with them. This guy needs to get some therapy and then get another job... if he isn't already in a shallow grave with a tiny pair of royal songs scissors in his chest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Albert. \u003c/strong>He hates how fertile he and Victoria are almost as much as I do, and for that, he deserves a little something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie. \u003c/strong>He survived child abuse and now has a pretty great excuse to get out of learning anything ever again. Back to using the abacus as a percussion instrument!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Lady Pam. \u003c/strong>A master class in having your cake and eating it too. Baby daddies: collect them all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Whoever Decided to Put a Huge Boat in Front of New Footman's Twig and Berries\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Who needs a censor bar when you've got aquatic vessels?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Yeah, I know he wasn't in this episode, but I don't care. He deserves all the nice things and I hope he's hanging in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"What happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland. Or does it?","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663707,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":108,"wordCount":2192},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again | KQED","description":"What happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland. Or does it?","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108293 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108293","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/02/10/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again","path":"/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the writers obliterated our hearts by killing off Babyface Maid. That watching experience looked a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109307\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/depressed-wine-drinking-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will this week's episode involve Babyface Maid suddenly bolting out of bed and shouting, \"PSYCH!\"? Or maybe Hot Italian Chef will wake up and realize that all of episode four was just a really bad dream? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out the nightmare is unfortunately very real (see above sobbing wino gif). Things take another dark turn when Victoria and two of her bazillion kids are out for a carriage ride. An old lady cradling a baby reveals herself to actually be a pissed off Irish dude cradling a gun!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The guy on the left is like, \u003cem>Good luck, Victoria! I'm out of here!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109285\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-circle-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, the guy in the middle is like, \u003cem>Can someone pass me some popcorn?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1020x623.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-160x98.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-800x489.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-768x469.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1200x733.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/assassination-popcorn-1920x1173.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, the wannabe assassin is stopped and apprehended. Now that we know everyone is safe, allow me to share my ranking of all the wannabe assassins we've met over the past three seasons.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Last place goes to Season 2 Wannabe Assassin. Remember him? Yeah, I didn't think so.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second place goes to Season 1 Wannabe Assassin, who has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of \u003cem>Project Runway.\u003c/em> Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-101789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"374\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-1020x596.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-160x93.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-800x467.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-768x448.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-960x561.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-240x140.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-375x219.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/Screen-Shot-2017-03-04-at-9.46.50-PM-1180x689-copy-520x304.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And first place goes to this brand new assassin because he got gussied up in elder drag, which shows a high level of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. I look forward to seeing him compete on Season 12 of \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that that's cleared up, let's continue with the story...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up from the attempt on her life that she accidentally calls her new maid by Babyface Maid's name. Be right back, gotta go concern my neighbors with some more loud sobbing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98485\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/emma-stone-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"233\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. The new maid happens to be our old friend, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, who seems to have gotten over being duped by her traitorous crush Nine Fingers. When Victoria tells her that the Season 3 Wannabe Assassin was Irish, Jo blurts out \u003cem>Well, duh!\u003c/em> in the Queen's face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is confused: \u003cem>Surely, the Irish aren't still mad at me over the potato famine! That was so last season! \u003c/em>So Jo serves the Queen some real talk: \u003cem>Um, yeah, you could say the Irish are still upset about ONE MILLION of their compatriots dying unnecessarily. Oh, and P.S. they want to Irish goodbye right out of your kingdom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109291\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/irish-goodbye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert introduces the family to a dude he met at Cambridge who is going to help Bertie stop being so dumb. Vicky Jr. wants to know why she doesn't get a tutor too. Instead of explaining that a major tenet of the patriarchy is to keep women subjugated by depriving them of access to education, Albert opts for a simpler answer: \"You have your aunt Xenadora.\" Ah, what a comfort\u003cem> that\u003c/em> is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the writers want to distract us from the fact that they BRUTALLY KILLED OFF BABYFACE MAID FOR NO REASON, we're off on another road trip (I'll be more amenable to forgiveness if there's more skinny dipping, just saying).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This time, the gang is heading to Ireland so that the Queen can show her face and be like, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Sorry about the potato thing! Now, will you stop trying to kill me? Also, does Bono live around here?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When they arrive, they don't run into any members of U2 but do meet up with Lord Pam's wife. Here's the 411 on her (according to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Temple,_Viscountess_Palmerston\">her Wikipedia page\u003c/a>):\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Her brother was none other than Lord M.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her first husband was kind of a dud, so she cheated on him A LOT.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her favorite side-piece was Lord Pam.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Once Hubby #1 kicked the bucket, she got hitched to Lord Pam at the ripe age of 52 (Stella got her groove back!).\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Her five children were allegedly fathered by Hubby #1, but rumor has it that one was Lord Pam's and another belonged to \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlo_Andrea_Pozzo_di_Borgo\">a Corsican dude with a thing for Russia\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Oh, yeah, and she was a beekeeper!\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109292\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-lord-pam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What an outfit!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109293\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/beekeeper-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Lord Pam's mansion, everyone sits for a meal and Disney Villain shares his thoughts on how women are all idiots, especially Disney Princess. New Footman briefly considers murdering Disney Villain with a tiny pair of scissors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scissors-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam calls Disney Villain a boar, so he does this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109295\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/boar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone wishes they had tiny scissors on hand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert finds out what we already know thanks to Wikipedia: one of Lady Pam's daughters from her previous marriage looks an awful lot like Lord Pam. Because Albert isn't wearing any pearls to clutch, he settles for verbally expressing his shock: \"Dear God, we are among barbarians!\" Um, Al? You married your first cousin. You can get off your high horse now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a dark hallway, New Footman seductively whispers to Disney Princess: \"Listen close, your grace. You can hear those waves.\" The skinny dip probability meter just went way up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109296\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/pull-your-pants-down.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria and Albert are fighting again. You know who can't get into stupid fights with their spouse anymore? Babyface Maid! Because she's dead! Life is short! Get over the petty BS! Quit being brats! Ugh!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite my impassioned overuse of exclamation points, they continue bickering. Albert tells Victoria that both he and Xenadora think that she's been making terrible choices since giving birth to Baby #6. This does not go over well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"I don't shed a part of my brain every time I have a baby! Dear God, Albert, what has she been saying to you? I was speaking tonight and you rolled your eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You were not meant to see that.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oof, this is painful.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time to check in on what weird stuff Xenadora is up to back in London. Oh, nothing major, just pressuring the kids to drink alcohol with their breakfast.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109298\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/happy-hour-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109297\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/im-not-a-regular-mom-im-a-cool-mom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Ireland, Lady Pam blows Victoria's mind by detailing how she and Lord Pam are in an open relationship and that, when the beehive is a-rockin', they agree not to come a-knockin'. Victoria thinks to herself, \u003cem>Well, if Albert keeps up this bratty thing, maybe Baby #7 can be fathered by someone else (perhaps even someone I'm not related to!).\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the beach, Disney Princess is on a stroll, thinking about where she can get a pair of tiny scissors when she runs into a naked post-skinny-dip New Footman! Bingo! The \"Field Trip = Nudity\" formula never fails on this show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1020x605.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-160x95.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-800x474.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-768x455.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM.png 1380w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is that a boat on its side or are you just happy to see me?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The correct answer is both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman eventually gets dressed, but from the thirsty look on Disney Princess' face, she's already undressing him again with her eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109308\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/undressing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They get to talking about how both of them find themselves without power, he with an abusive boss and she with an abusive husband. Not one to waste any time 'cause people are known to CONTRACT CHOLERA AND SUDDENLY DIE AROUND HERE (still bitter about it, can you tell?), Disney Princess says, \"I should like you to kiss me.\" New Footman proves that he has game by saying, \"I offer you love, Disney Princess. Nothing less.\" Then they make out at long last, and New Footman's nose gets very squished!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109300\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"335\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1020x569.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-800x446.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-768x429.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1200x670.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM-1920x1071.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-2.09.54-AM.png 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the mansion, Victoria wakes up from a nap and pukes. Hope y'all enjoyed the one or two episodes this season without a pregnancy because Baby #7 is already on the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109301\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/push-computer-away-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Lord Pam tells Disney Princess that he knows she has \"an itch\" and that she shouldn't let a poor person scratch it. Too late!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109302\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cat-scratching-another-cat_o_679990.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the gang continues onto Dublin where Victoria has to befriend a Catholic cardinal. Their interaction goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, my bad about the famine and not dropping by sooner. We cool? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cardinal:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I guess so, yeah. Hey, look, I got you a bird. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's nice, but I don't want it. *opens cage and lets bird fly away* Bye, bird!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War between Catholics and Protestants: postponed!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward and the gang arrives back in London to discover that Bertie learned French while they were away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria also discovers that he has something that looks like a rash on his wrist. OMG, is Xenadora not only getting the children drunk, but abusing them too? Say it ain't so! I prefer her to stay creepy and sneaky, yet harmless.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disneyworld, Disney Princess finds some leftover sand in her traveling hat. She sensually uses it to exfoliate her lips because everyone on this show is a little bit of a weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/exfoliate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unbeknownst to her, Disney Villain sees the whole thing and marches over to some playboy club to threaten Lord Pam over bedding his wife. Despite me chanting \"Fight! Fight! Fight!\" at my screen, all that happens is Disney Villain drops a glass on the ground. Step it up, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers! The boys on \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> put each other's heads into roaring fireplaces, attempt to thumb each other's eyes out and throw coins in each other's faces!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Jo informs Victoria that she should be concerned about Bertie. Cut to Victoria catching Cambridge Tutor Dude as he's abusing Bertie! We don't get to see what his punishment is, but I'm gonna guess that tiny scissors are involved.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Albert is beside himself over the abuse, but manages to focus on a silver lining: \"Thank God we have no more children for me to damage.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria doesn't waste any time bursting that bubble with news of Baby #7. Albert looks like he isn't sure if he's going to cry or puke or both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109305\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"235\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Cambridge Tutor Dude.\u003c/strong> I'm not a huge fan of kids either, which is why my job doesn't involve spending all my time with them. This guy needs to get some therapy and then get another job... if he isn't already in a shallow grave with a tiny pair of royal songs scissors in his chest.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Albert. \u003c/strong>He hates how fertile he and Victoria are almost as much as I do, and for that, he deserves a little something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>ANOTHER HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie. \u003c/strong>He survived child abuse and now has a pretty great excuse to get out of learning anything ever again. Back to using the abacus as a percussion instrument!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Lady Pam. \u003c/strong>A master class in having your cake and eating it too. Baby daddies: collect them all!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Whoever Decided to Put a Huge Boat in Front of New Footman's Twig and Berries\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Who needs a censor bar when you've got aquatic vessels?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Hot Italian Chef\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Yeah, I know he wasn't in this episode, but I don't care. He deserves all the nice things and I hope he's hanging in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_109281","label":"pop"},"pop_108291":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108291","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108291","score":null,"sort":[1549257999000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You","publishDate":1549257999,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Disney Princess was all over Lord Pam and got brutally rebuffed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Guess she'll have to cheat on her husband with someone else. #RichWhiteLadyProblems!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid resigned so she can live happily ever after with Hot Italian Chef and his chest hair, but Victoria was not happy for her, maybe because her husband doesn't have luscious locks on his pecs? There's always the Magic Marker fix!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, yeah, and Victoria turned into a cast member of \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em> and threw a drink in Albert's face in front of everyone, and now they're not on speaking terms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will they have makeup sex and get pregnant for the 9,302nd time? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War has broken out! No, not between Britain and some other country (although, knowing how Britain rolls, that should be coming along shortly), but between Victoria and Albert.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because neither of them is musical enough to craft cutting diss tracks about each other, they settle for sending passive-aggressive notes back and forth via servants. That makeup sex I mentioned earlier? Probably not happening any time soon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Part of their disagreement has to do with Bertie's refusal to be smart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's take:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sure, I almost drowned\u003c/em> \u003cem>last episode because I never got the memo that humans can't breathe underwater, but I still don't see why it's so important to know things.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert's take: \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109063\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if Albert needed any more ammo, Bertie walks in to show how he's coming along with solving math problems on his abacus:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109067\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-abacus.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"324\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/facepalm-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate part of the palace, New Footman runs into Disney Princess and thanks her for saving his skinny-dipping butt from getting fired. We are one scene closer to these two tongue-wrestling!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of which, that's exactly what Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are doing in their new inn. But not for long. Hot Italian Chef suggests they change the name from Seven Dials Inn to The Palace. It's the kind of joke that's not wildly hilarious, but you laugh anyway because... well, just look at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, Babyface Maid has become accustomed to his hotness though because she takes his harmless little joke the wrong way and bolts out of bed, leaving his chest hair behind. Your loss, sweetie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Victoria receives a letter from Babyface Maid. Is she already asking for her job back? Who knows! Victoria throws it into a drawer unopened. She's still livid that Babyface Maid had the gall to want something more from life than an eternity of silently brushing hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never missing an opportunity to creepily advocate for herself, Xenadora puts her face uncomfortably close to Victoria's and says, \"Don't worry. I will never desert you\", followed by a chilling giggle. Sounds nice on paper; sounds like a threat in person.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, as if operating from the same sociopath handbook, Disney Villain puts his face uncomfortably close to Disney Princess' and says, \"Remember, everything you're fond of belongs to me!\" Wow. So, with what's happening between Vic and Al, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid, and these two, the theme of this episode is clearly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"507\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg 634w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding-160x180.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 450px) 100vw, 450px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because there isn't enough drama going on already, cholera is spreading across London and children's corpses are being carted through the streets. Victoria visits a hospital to witness the devastation first-hand. It's very sad, don't get me wrong, but one of the nurses has a cute pet baby owl that she found at the Parthenon in Athens and that's all I can focus on right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109100\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"518\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-800x648.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-768x622.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1200x972.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs.jpg 1296w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The nurse shares her theories about cholera not being contagious and then casually identifies herself as Florence Nightingale, no big deal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because it's been a while since Albert has had a hobby (remember his obsessions with toilets and trains?), he decides that his next mission will be to march up to Cambridge University and make them care about science. His TedTalk titled \"Science Rules, Creationism Drools\" is met with the kind of faces one makes when smelling a stranger's sour fart in an elevator.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/andy-samberg-fart-smell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Seven Dials Inn (whose name we never ever joke about), Babyface Maid isn't mad at Hot Italian Chef anymore... because she's pregnant with his baby! The show writers every episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oprah-you-get-a-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"406\" height=\"276\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Disney Princess gets a message from Disney Villain that she must go home at once so he can whisper unprompted threats next to her face. New Footman offers to tell him to f*ck off. Disney Princess thinks that's a grand idea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all this cholera and requests to speak to a shy doctor with a lisp she briefly met once. Prime Minister Pushover doesn't think that's a good idea: \"You should know that he is seen by the medical establishment as an eccentric. I hear he doesn't eat meat... or fish!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As a vegetarian myself, I can say that this is how haters see us:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veggie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"163\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this is how we see ourselves:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/vegetarian.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the inn, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid host a little get-together to celebrate the inn opening. They toast to their good fortune and to Half-Italian Babyface Jr. Everything is going so well and there isn't a care in the world... until Babyface Maid feels an intense pain in her stomach. I think I know where this is headed and I DO NOT LIKE IT. DON'T DO THIS, \u003cem>VICTORIA\u003c/em> WRITERS. I MEAN IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-will-cut-you-suzanne-orange-is-the-new-black.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman and Disney Princess continue to flirt at a glacial pace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"You weren't at dinner. It was very quiet.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"Is my voice so loud?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"...when it's the only thing I hear.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm feeling equal parts, this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">And this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Vegetarian Doctor drops by the palace and shares his cholera theory with Victoria:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/conspiracy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"168\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He believes the source is a contaminated water pump in Soho and that women and children are the ones most affected because they actually drink water, unlike men who are too busy chugging beer to hydrate properly. Oh, and the water pump is also used to create tonics like the one Babyface Maid picked up to help with her pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-do-this-to-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Babyface Maid hallucinating in her bed. She thinks she's still at the palace and about to get in trouble with Mean Butler. I HATE THIS. Grim Reaper, stay back!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/buffy-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109114\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-away-from-her-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Albert winning a very close race to become Cambridge Chancellor or something and...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, you know what? I don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the inn, Victoria is now at Babyface Maid's bedside. A delirious Babyface Maid wakes up and says, \"Do you want me to do your hair, Ma'am?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sobbing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"403\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vegetarian Doctor can't do anything because it's the 19th century and no one knows shit about anything. Victoria leaves 'cause she can't stand to watch Babyface Maid die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Babyface Maid is alert enough to tell Hot Italian Chef: \"I should have married you sooner. It wasn't long, but it meant everything.\" Then she takes her last breath and Hot Italian Chef says, \"Nancy? Nancy?\" before sobbing uncontrollably next to her dead body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/somebody-sedate-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up by this reminder that life is super short that she calls off her stupid fight with Albert. They have makeup sex and probably make another baby. But who cares about them? Babyface Maid is dead and I will never forgive the writers. I'm done.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-37954\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"272\">\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE, ALL OF THE THINGS: Babyface Maid\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I hope the clouds in heaven are made out of Hot Italian Chef's chest hair. Say hi to Dash for me. Now I will proceed to blast this song so my neighbors don't hear me crying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKMtZm2YuBE\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"This week, we learn once again that the writers of this show don't give a damn about our feelings.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663722,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":102,"wordCount":1664},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You | KQED","description":"This week, we learn once again that the writers of this show don't give a damn about our feelings.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108291 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108291","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/02/03/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You","path":"/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Disney Princess was all over Lord Pam and got brutally rebuffed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Guess she'll have to cheat on her husband with someone else. #RichWhiteLadyProblems!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid resigned so she can live happily ever after with Hot Italian Chef and his chest hair, but Victoria was not happy for her, maybe because her husband doesn't have luscious locks on his pecs? There's always the Magic Marker fix!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, yeah, and Victoria turned into a cast member of \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em> and threw a drink in Albert's face in front of everyone, and now they're not on speaking terms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will they have makeup sex and get pregnant for the 9,302nd time? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>War has broken out! No, not between Britain and some other country (although, knowing how Britain rolls, that should be coming along shortly), but between Victoria and Albert.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because neither of them is musical enough to craft cutting diss tracks about each other, they settle for sending passive-aggressive notes back and forth via servants. That makeup sex I mentioned earlier? Probably not happening any time soon!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Part of their disagreement has to do with Bertie's refusal to be smart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's take:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sure, I almost drowned\u003c/em> \u003cem>last episode because I never got the memo that humans can't breathe underwater, but I still don't see why it's so important to know things.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert's take: \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109063\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if Albert needed any more ammo, Bertie walks in to show how he's coming along with solving math problems on his abacus:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109067\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-abacus.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"324\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/facepalm-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a separate part of the palace, New Footman runs into Disney Princess and thanks her for saving his skinny-dipping butt from getting fired. We are one scene closer to these two tongue-wrestling!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of which, that's exactly what Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are doing in their new inn. But not for long. Hot Italian Chef suggests they change the name from Seven Dials Inn to The Palace. It's the kind of joke that's not wildly hilarious, but you laugh anyway because... well, just look at him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, Babyface Maid has become accustomed to his hotness though because she takes his harmless little joke the wrong way and bolts out of bed, leaving his chest hair behind. Your loss, sweetie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Victoria receives a letter from Babyface Maid. Is she already asking for her job back? Who knows! Victoria throws it into a drawer unopened. She's still livid that Babyface Maid had the gall to want something more from life than an eternity of silently brushing hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Never missing an opportunity to creepily advocate for herself, Xenadora puts her face uncomfortably close to Victoria's and says, \"Don't worry. I will never desert you\", followed by a chilling giggle. Sounds nice on paper; sounds like a threat in person.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109096\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora-victoria-scary-creepy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, as if operating from the same sociopath handbook, Disney Villain puts his face uncomfortably close to Disney Princess' and says, \"Remember, everything you're fond of belongs to me!\" Wow. So, with what's happening between Vic and Al, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid, and these two, the theme of this episode is clearly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Say.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marriage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109080\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"507\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding.jpg 634w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nah-im-good-proposal-no-wedding-160x180.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 450px) 100vw, 450px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because there isn't enough drama going on already, cholera is spreading across London and children's corpses are being carted through the streets. Victoria visits a hospital to witness the devastation first-hand. It's very sad, don't get me wrong, but one of the nurses has a cute pet baby owl that she found at the Parthenon in Athens and that's all I can focus on right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109100\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"518\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1020x826.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-800x648.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-768x622.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs-1200x972.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/owl-florence-nightingale-victoria-pbs.jpg 1296w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The nurse shares her theories about cholera not being contagious and then casually identifies herself as Florence Nightingale, no big deal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because it's been a while since Albert has had a hobby (remember his obsessions with toilets and trains?), he decides that his next mission will be to march up to Cambridge University and make them care about science. His TedTalk titled \"Science Rules, Creationism Drools\" is met with the kind of faces one makes when smelling a stranger's sour fart in an elevator.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/andy-samberg-fart-smell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Seven Dials Inn (whose name we never ever joke about), Babyface Maid isn't mad at Hot Italian Chef anymore... because she's pregnant with his baby! The show writers every episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109099\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oprah-you-get-a-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"406\" height=\"276\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Disney Princess gets a message from Disney Villain that she must go home at once so he can whisper unprompted threats next to her face. New Footman offers to tell him to f*ck off. Disney Princess thinks that's a grand idea.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all this cholera and requests to speak to a shy doctor with a lisp she briefly met once. Prime Minister Pushover doesn't think that's a good idea: \"You should know that he is seen by the medical establishment as an eccentric. I hear he doesn't eat meat... or fish!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As a vegetarian myself, I can say that this is how haters see us:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109102\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/veggie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"163\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this is how we see ourselves:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/vegetarian.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the inn, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid host a little get-together to celebrate the inn opening. They toast to their good fortune and to Half-Italian Babyface Jr. Everything is going so well and there isn't a care in the world... until Babyface Maid feels an intense pain in her stomach. I think I know where this is headed and I DO NOT LIKE IT. DON'T DO THIS, \u003cem>VICTORIA\u003c/em> WRITERS. I MEAN IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109106\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-will-cut-you-suzanne-orange-is-the-new-black.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, New Footman and Disney Princess continue to flirt at a glacial pace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"You weren't at dinner. It was very quiet.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"Is my voice so loud?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \"...when it's the only thing I hear.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm feeling equal parts, this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">And this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, Vegetarian Doctor drops by the palace and shares his cholera theory with Victoria:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109111\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/conspiracy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"268\" height=\"168\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He believes the source is a contaminated water pump in Soho and that women and children are the ones most affected because they actually drink water, unlike men who are too busy chugging beer to hydrate properly. Oh, and the water pump is also used to create tonics like the one Babyface Maid picked up to help with her pregnancy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109104\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-do-this-to-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"278\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Babyface Maid hallucinating in her bed. She thinks she's still at the palace and about to get in trouble with Mean Butler. I HATE THIS. Grim Reaper, stay back!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/buffy-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109114\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-away-from-her-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Albert winning a very close race to become Cambridge Chancellor or something and...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, you know what? I don't care.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the inn, Victoria is now at Babyface Maid's bedside. A delirious Babyface Maid wakes up and says, \"Do you want me to do your hair, Ma'am?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sobbing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"403\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vegetarian Doctor can't do anything because it's the 19th century and no one knows shit about anything. Victoria leaves 'cause she can't stand to watch Babyface Maid die.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Babyface Maid is alert enough to tell Hot Italian Chef: \"I should have married you sooner. It wasn't long, but it meant everything.\" Then she takes her last breath and Hot Italian Chef says, \"Nancy? Nancy?\" before sobbing uncontrollably next to her dead body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/somebody-sedate-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up by this reminder that life is super short that she calls off her stupid fight with Albert. They have makeup sex and probably make another baby. But who cares about them? Babyface Maid is dead and I will never forgive the writers. I'm done.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-109107\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-37954\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n9s57vLwqM1smcbm7o1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"272\">\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE, ALL OF THE THINGS: Babyface Maid\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I hope the clouds in heaven are made out of Hot Italian Chef's chest hair. Say hi to Dash for me. Now I will proceed to blast this song so my neighbors don't hear me crying.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/NKMtZm2YuBE'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/NKMtZm2YuBE'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_109118","label":"pop"},"pop_108289":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108289","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108289","score":null,"sort":[1548639683000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita","publishDate":1548639683,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen gave birth to yet another baby (*lets out a pregnant sigh*). For those keeping score, that's six down, three to go. Hang in there, everyone! Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid got hitched and also got down and dirty (*prays that they used protection*). And \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> thwarted Lord Pam's plan to frame and destroy the Chartist movement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Due to all the unrest, Victoria and her entire #squad hightailed it over to the Isle of Wight. The last time this show went on a field trip, the Season 2 Gays went skinny dipping next to a waterfall. Maybe something like that will happen again? Are you there, God? It's me, Emmanuel. Make it so!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/titus-kimmy-schmidt-praying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"457\" height=\"474\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's find out if praying works! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The episode's opening shot looks like something straight out of \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which is enough of an excuse for me to say I MISS HORACE THE PUG SO MUCH and to place his beautiful mug here:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Any of us who played soccer growing up remember saying \"Good game, good game, good game...\" while slapping the other team's hands. Because the life of a future king is quite sheltered and lonely, Bertie has to recreate that experience with dead fish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108880 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-dead-fishes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's another way one can turn a dead fish into a playmate? Run around with it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108879 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-running-with-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Look, mom! I found Nemo!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108878 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is going to order one of her servants to spank Bertie, isn't she?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Lord Pam is making fun of Victoria for running away. He's also cozying up to yet another anti-royalist revolutionary because he's messy and lives for drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>French revolutionaries are so two episodes ago. It's all about Hungarians now, specifically a dude named Lajos Kossuth, who got himself exiled for being a thorn in the side of royals. Sound like anyone we know? Birds of a feather flock together.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Yes, I used Lajos' actual photo because what a flex to shave your entire chin and nothing else.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the Isle of Wight, Mean Butler earns the right to be called by his actual name for once (Mr. Penge!) by gifting us this glorious eye roll moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And he's not the only character making me question why I dislike them. Last episode, Albert received a gold medal for uttering my new favorite succession of words: \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" Now, while sharing his opinion of Lord Pam buddying up with the Hungarian, he has introduced me to another wonderful new insult: \"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\" (For those who don't know, a \"blaggard\" is \"a scoundrel; an unprincipled contemptible person; an untrustworthy person.\") Is it possible that, after two and a half seasons, I'm finally starting to... like Albert?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-is-wrong-with-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"259\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other news, Disney Princess gets word that Disney Villain has sent their six-year-old off to boarding school. New Footman is eavesdropping nearby. Slow and steady wins the race, but can we fast-forward this secret crush to the part when he does this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108904\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/to-me-you-are-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"430\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is fuming because Hot Italian Chef has offered a letter of resignation. Albert doesn't understand what the big deal is: \"Victoria, really this is such a trivial domestic matter!\" Tread carefully, Al. I just started liking you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Babyface Maid if she knew anything about this. Her response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid retreats to the kitchen and tells Hot Italian Chef she can't believe he actually followed through on their plan. Um, yeah, girl. He didn't buy an inn for shits and giggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef encourages her to resign too, just like they planned. Again, Babyface Maid is all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Albert is now the one fuming. Not over resignations, but about how dumb Bertie is. \"HE DOESN'T READ!\" Yeah, we know. We've seen him with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because, the next day, Victoria is about to swim for the first time and asks, \"Do you suppose it's possible actually to breathe under the water?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108905\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I should mention that she's wearing this number as a bathing suit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108906\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"382\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-160x96.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-800x478.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-768x459.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1200x717.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit.png 1246w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You can't tell, but I'm fully pointing and laughing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mere seconds into her swim, Victoria learns the hard way that, no, you can't breathe underwater and, yes, you can drown in knee-deep water if you put your mind to it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover arrive at that exact moment. But she quickly takes back the upper hand with this exchange:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Kossuth's reception into Britain makes my country look duplicitous and weak.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"With respect, ma'am...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"There is no respect in what you have to say, Lord Pam. Saying 'with respect' does not put it there.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a garden, Disney Princess and New Footman finally have a conversation! Progress! Alas, their chat is mostly about her other crush, Lord Pam. This \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> love triangle is heating up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Albert is trying to teach Bertie how to not be so stupid. He asks him to multiply two by zero. Bertie guesses two, then twenty, which inspires yet another hilarious line from Albert: \"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108908\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hiding-laughing-lol-baby-jane.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, everyone gathers for a party. New Footman and Lord Pam both make eyes at Disney Princess, but New Footman is the first to make a move. \"Forgive me, your grace, there's something come adrift.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oooo, his heart? Or maybe something more scandalous below the waist??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Womp, womp! He just meant that her shoulder strap fell and her shoulder is hanging out totally naked (shield the children's eyes!). As far as pick-up lines go, I give this one an A+ for helpfulness and an F in every other category.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's see how Lord Pam does.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Where's your husband, Duchess? The man to whom you are married.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"He's in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"It is \u003cem>shocking\u003c/em> that you find it excellent that my husband isn't here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excessively shocking, but also excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nice work! And Disney Princess agrees because the two of them immediately sneak down a dark hallway to hook up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108909\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/living-single-fan-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"356\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast! One of Victoria's other ladies interrupts by pointedly asking about Lord Pam's wife. The feeling when you're trying to convince your friend not to be a ho:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108910\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-be-a-ho-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, news arrives that the German mobs no longer want to kill Xenadora and she can finally return home. Instead of smiling, her face muscles start doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108911\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-muscle-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora cries long enough for Albert to say she can stay. A noted scammer himself, Lord Pam recognizes how full of it she is and tells her so in a vaguely threatening tone later on. Just based on how Xenadora always looks as if she's stifling a primal scream, I wouldn't want to be on her bad side. This battle oughtta be good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria complains about how thirsty Lord Pam is for the public's love. Albert tells her she's just as bad (and he's right; remember last episode when she cried by a fountain for not getting 100 likes on her Instagram post?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>However valid, Victoria is not here for personal criticism and promptly shuts it down: \"It is your prerogative to favor me with analysis, mine to disregard it. Now I wish to sleep. Goodnight!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108912\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-like-that-bloop-nene.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the dead of night, Lord Pam sneaks into Disney Princess' room and smells her shoulder. Except it's not her shoulder! She and Xenadora switched rooms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108913\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abort-abort-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora smiles to herself. Blackmail is on the menu! He thought he could outmaneuver her? Ha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember earlier in this recap when I prayed to a higher power for this vacation to feature something resembling the gay skinny dipping waterfall scene? Well, guess what...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman randomly wakes up in the morning and gets completely butt naked for a swim!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-footman-skinny-dip-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess Victoria's full body swimsuit wasn't really his style?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I love how unnecessary and shameless this scene is. It's as if the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers are taunting the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers: \u003cem>Oh, you always have your male characters swim without their shirts on? Hold my beer.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By all means, keep one-upping each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Xenadora is in full blackmail mode with Lord Pam.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"The Queen and her husband detest you. How that antipathy would...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*SHE THEN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH!!!*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...\u003cem>swell, \u003c/em>if they learned about last night. Don't sulk. It doesn't suit you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria might be the Queen of Britain, but Xenadora is the Queen of Petty, and I live for it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the newlyweds' nest, the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers find another way to stick it to \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> by prominently featuring a naked Hot Italian Chef partly covered by a bed sheet. It's hard to hear over the sound of his chest hair, but the lovebirds are still disagreeing over whether Babyface Maid should resign or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"In any one day, you are allowed precisely 20 minutes of liberty.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"I think we just made pretty good use of it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kenan-snl-shocked-amused-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She makes a good point!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another part of the palace, Lord Pam is looking at some creepy baby limbs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"282\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-160x71.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-800x353.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-768x338.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1200x529.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs.png 1906w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why are these a thing, other than to give us all nightmares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, the lady who cockblocked Lord Pam and Disney Princess appears and tells him the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Disney Princess is out of bounds, not to be used for the amorous complications you have in mind. I ask this in remembrance of \u003cem>our own\u003c/em> complications.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108920\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xtina-aguilera-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is messy this season. I love it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Disney Princess finds Lord Pam in the garden and is all over him. Lord Pam is not receptive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam admits that yes, he could totally rock her world cause he's really great at sex, but he doesn't feel like it. This is the face you make when you don't get to cheat on your evil husband:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108928\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumped-dissed-victoria-pbs-sad-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>May I suggest a cold bath? Not in Albert's bathroom though. That kinky Hercules painting will just get you all riled up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On her way to maybe take my advice, Disney Princess runs into New Footman and yells, \"GET OUT OF THE WAY!\" in his face. This is no way to treat the guy you're most likely going to hook up with two or three episodes from now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman isn't fazed by her rudeness though and offers her a handkerchief and a brief TEDTalk about the wonders of skinny dipping in the sea. Oh, just make out already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mr-bean-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"394\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Babyface Maid finally works up the nerve to quit. Huzzah! Now she gets to enjoy Hot Italian Chef's chest hair for more than 20 minutes a day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This doesn't put the Queen in a celebratory mood though. Victoria, I know it's not fair that Albert doesn't have any chest hair, but you can draw some on if it really bothers you that much!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner that night, Albert grades Bertie's homework...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumbass.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and continues to quiz him because surely this kid isn't that dumb, right? Bertie screams, \"I DON'T BLOODY KNOW!\" Before Albert can discipline him, Victoria says, \"Please don't bully my child!\" Then she throws a drink in his face because why not:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Masterpiece Theater presents \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the most entertaining thing to happen at a ritzy dinner table since Lord Grantham puked blood all over the place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/downton-abbey-graphic-bloody-robert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ah, memories...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Xenadora makes Victoria feel better about disrespecting her husband in front of everyone: \"One quite understands. The wine was not good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-york-tiffany-wine-laughing-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"307\" height=\"179\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A stand-up comedy star is born! And a two-timing one at that. Moments after ingratiating herself with Victoria, Xenadora runs to Albert's side to tell him, \"Repeated childbirths make women stupid.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-that-is-so-rude.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"175\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of rudeness, after Babyface Maid is finished brushing Victoria's hair before bed, she asks, \"Will that be all, your majesty?\" to which Victoria pointedly says, \"Apparently so!\" That's a weird way of saying \"Thanks for everything! Congrats on marrying a furry man! Let's definitely keep in touch!\" Victoria didn't throw wine in her face though, so I guess that's something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another day, another skinny dip. (Take that, Ross Poldark!) Mean Butler (the eye roll drumming moment was awesome, but he loses rights to his proper name cause I still hate him) fires New Footman for missing church and being a part-time nudist. Where's the ACLU when you need 'em?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the driveway, now that they both realize they're cut from the same fame-whore cloth, Victoria and Lord Pam decide to be friends, paving the way for Xenadora to take over as our Season 3 villain. Pass me the popcorn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Disney Princess happens to ask about the whereabouts of \"that large fellow\" and finds out he's been canned. That large fellow? His name is Your Future Baby Daddy, so have some respect!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert is still waiting for Victoria to say, \"Hey, my dude, sorry for throwing a drink in your face in front of everyone for no reason.\" Instead, she says she's returning to London and he can stay behind if he wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-aint-sorry-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"170\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Disney Princess makes up a story that New Footman was running an errand for her during church and must be rehired. We are one step closer to New Footman writing a declaration of love on a big piece of poster board! Skinny dippers of the world, rejoice!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long travel day, the gang is back in London and pulling up to Buckingham Palace. Things are very tense in Victoria and Albert's carriage. He breaks the tension by adding even more: \"The people await their Queen. And she waits to be adored.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/awkward-make-it-more-awkward.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Xenadora is leaning into her new role as Season 3 Villain by looking out of her carriage like an absolute weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108923\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108924 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid chat about their next chapter and embrace in the kitchen. Sensing joy, Mean Butler shows up to extinguish it: \"What the hell do you think you're doing?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef responds, \"I'm comforting my wife. What are you doing?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mean Butler thinks, \u003cem>Oh, nothing much, just living a miserable, empty and lonely existence\u003c/em>, and then promptly has an existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria tries to barge into Albert's room. Only trouble is he already thought to lock her out. Outraged, she kicks the door and storms off. Xenadora's evil plan is working!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Childhood Tutor. \u003c/strong>They really should have gotten around to teaching her that humans can't breathe underwater.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Isle of Wight Tourism Bureau. \u003c/strong>Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y'all (and your naked butts) at the beach!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef's chest hair and New Footman's butt. \u003c/strong>I'm usually annoyed when this show inundates us with new characters, but these newbies can stay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Xenadora. \u003c/strong>Validating drink-throwing by saying the wine sucks? Comedy gold. Looking at Lord Pam's crotch, while saying the word 'swell'? A boss move. How can you not appreciate this face-twitching weirdo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Albert\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I know. I'm just as surprised as you are that he's getting this prize two weeks in a row. But he keeps offering up great lines:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"HE DOESN'T READ!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Plus, he was pretty cool about having that drink thrown in his face. Cheers to him for deciding not to be insufferable this season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Skinny dipping! Adultery! A drink thrown in someone's face! Masterpiece presents Victoria a.k.a. The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace!","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663742,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":171,"wordCount":2991},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita | KQED","description":"Skinny dipping! Adultery! A drink thrown in someone's face! Masterpiece presents Victoria a.k.a. The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace!","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108289 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108289","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/01/27/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita","path":"/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen gave birth to yet another baby (*lets out a pregnant sigh*). For those keeping score, that's six down, three to go. Hang in there, everyone! Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid got hitched and also got down and dirty (*prays that they used protection*). And \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> thwarted Lord Pam's plan to frame and destroy the Chartist movement.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Due to all the unrest, Victoria and her entire #squad hightailed it over to the Isle of Wight. The last time this show went on a field trip, the Season 2 Gays went skinny dipping next to a waterfall. Maybe something like that will happen again? Are you there, God? It's me, Emmanuel. Make it so!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/titus-kimmy-schmidt-praying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"457\" height=\"474\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's find out if praying works! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The episode's opening shot looks like something straight out of \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which is enough of an excuse for me to say I MISS HORACE THE PUG SO MUCH and to place his beautiful mug here:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But I digress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Any of us who played soccer growing up remember saying \"Good game, good game, good game...\" while slapping the other team's hands. Because the life of a future king is quite sheltered and lonely, Bertie has to recreate that experience with dead fish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108880 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-dead-fishes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"265\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's another way one can turn a dead fish into a playmate? Run around with it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108879 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-running-with-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Look, mom! I found Nemo!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108878 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-fish.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria is going to order one of her servants to spank Bertie, isn't she?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, Lord Pam is making fun of Victoria for running away. He's also cozying up to yet another anti-royalist revolutionary because he's messy and lives for drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>French revolutionaries are so two episodes ago. It's all about Hungarians now, specifically a dude named Lajos Kossuth, who got himself exiled for being a thorn in the side of royals. Sound like anyone we know? Birds of a feather flock together.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(Yes, I used Lajos' actual photo because what a flex to shave your entire chin and nothing else.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back on the Isle of Wight, Mean Butler earns the right to be called by his actual name for once (Mr. Penge!) by gifting us this glorious eye roll moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108898\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-penge-eye-roll.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"425\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And he's not the only character making me question why I dislike them. Last episode, Albert received a gold medal for uttering my new favorite succession of words: \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" Now, while sharing his opinion of Lord Pam buddying up with the Hungarian, he has introduced me to another wonderful new insult: \"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\" (For those who don't know, a \"blaggard\" is \"a scoundrel; an unprincipled contemptible person; an untrustworthy person.\") Is it possible that, after two and a half seasons, I'm finally starting to... like Albert?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/what-is-wrong-with-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"259\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other news, Disney Princess gets word that Disney Villain has sent their six-year-old off to boarding school. New Footman is eavesdropping nearby. Slow and steady wins the race, but can we fast-forward this secret crush to the part when he does this?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108904\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/to-me-you-are-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"430\" height=\"227\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria is fuming because Hot Italian Chef has offered a letter of resignation. Albert doesn't understand what the big deal is: \"Victoria, really this is such a trivial domestic matter!\" Tread carefully, Al. I just started liking you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Babyface Maid if she knew anything about this. Her response:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid retreats to the kitchen and tells Hot Italian Chef she can't believe he actually followed through on their plan. Um, yeah, girl. He didn't buy an inn for shits and giggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef encourages her to resign too, just like they planned. Again, Babyface Maid is all:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Albert is now the one fuming. Not over resignations, but about how dumb Bertie is. \"HE DOESN'T READ!\" Yeah, we know. We've seen him with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Apparently, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because, the next day, Victoria is about to swim for the first time and asks, \"Do you suppose it's possible actually to breathe under the water?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108905\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/read-a-book-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I should mention that she's wearing this number as a bathing suit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108906\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"382\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1020x609.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-160x96.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-800x478.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-768x459.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit-1200x717.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-bathing-suit.png 1246w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You can't tell, but I'm fully pointing and laughing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mere seconds into her swim, Victoria learns the hard way that, no, you can't breathe underwater and, yes, you can drown in knee-deep water if you put your mind to it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-drowning.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover arrive at that exact moment. But she quickly takes back the upper hand with this exchange:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"Kossuth's reception into Britain makes my country look duplicitous and weak.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"With respect, ma'am...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"There is no respect in what you have to say, Lord Pam. Saying 'with respect' does not put it there.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a garden, Disney Princess and New Footman finally have a conversation! Progress! Alas, their chat is mostly about her other crush, Lord Pam. This \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em> love triangle is heating up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Albert is trying to teach Bertie how to not be so stupid. He asks him to multiply two by zero. Bertie guesses two, then twenty, which inspires yet another hilarious line from Albert: \"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108908\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hiding-laughing-lol-baby-jane.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, everyone gathers for a party. New Footman and Lord Pam both make eyes at Disney Princess, but New Footman is the first to make a move. \"Forgive me, your grace, there's something come adrift.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oooo, his heart? Or maybe something more scandalous below the waist??\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Womp, womp! He just meant that her shoulder strap fell and her shoulder is hanging out totally naked (shield the children's eyes!). As far as pick-up lines go, I give this one an A+ for helpfulness and an F in every other category.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's see how Lord Pam does.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Where's your husband, Duchess? The man to whom you are married.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"He's in London.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Disney Princess:\u003c/strong> \"It is \u003cem>shocking\u003c/em> that you find it excellent that my husband isn't here.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lord Pam:\u003c/strong> \"Excessively shocking, but also excellent.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nice work! And Disney Princess agrees because the two of them immediately sneak down a dark hallway to hook up!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108909\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/living-single-fan-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"356\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not so fast! One of Victoria's other ladies interrupts by pointedly asking about Lord Pam's wife. The feeling when you're trying to convince your friend not to be a ho:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108910\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dont-be-a-ho-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"203\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, news arrives that the German mobs no longer want to kill Xenadora and she can finally return home. Instead of smiling, her face muscles start doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108911\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-muscle-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"318\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora cries long enough for Albert to say she can stay. A noted scammer himself, Lord Pam recognizes how full of it she is and tells her so in a vaguely threatening tone later on. Just based on how Xenadora always looks as if she's stifling a primal scream, I wouldn't want to be on her bad side. This battle oughtta be good!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the royal bedroom, Victoria complains about how thirsty Lord Pam is for the public's love. Albert tells her she's just as bad (and he's right; remember last episode when she cried by a fountain for not getting 100 likes on her Instagram post?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>However valid, Victoria is not here for personal criticism and promptly shuts it down: \"It is your prerogative to favor me with analysis, mine to disregard it. Now I wish to sleep. Goodnight!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108912\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-like-that-bloop-nene.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the dead of night, Lord Pam sneaks into Disney Princess' room and smells her shoulder. Except it's not her shoulder! She and Xenadora switched rooms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108913\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abort-abort-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora smiles to herself. Blackmail is on the menu! He thought he could outmaneuver her? Ha!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember earlier in this recap when I prayed to a higher power for this vacation to feature something resembling the gay skinny dipping waterfall scene? Well, guess what...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10201\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/tumblr_ml252mhGRm1qedlsro1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman randomly wakes up in the morning and gets completely butt naked for a swim!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-footman-skinny-dip-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I guess Victoria's full body swimsuit wasn't really his style?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I love how unnecessary and shameless this scene is. It's as if the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers are taunting the \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> writers: \u003cem>Oh, you always have your male characters swim without their shirts on? Hold my beer.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>By all means, keep one-upping each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Xenadora is in full blackmail mode with Lord Pam.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"The Queen and her husband detest you. How that antipathy would...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*SHE THEN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH!!!*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...\u003cem>swell, \u003c/em>if they learned about last night. Don't sulk. It doesn't suit you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria might be the Queen of Britain, but Xenadora is the Queen of Petty, and I live for it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the newlyweds' nest, the \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers find another way to stick it to \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> by prominently featuring a naked Hot Italian Chef partly covered by a bed sheet. It's hard to hear over the sound of his chest hair, but the lovebirds are still disagreeing over whether Babyface Maid should resign or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"In any one day, you are allowed precisely 20 minutes of liberty.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"I think we just made pretty good use of it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kenan-snl-shocked-amused-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She makes a good point!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In another part of the palace, Lord Pam is looking at some creepy baby limbs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"282\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1020x450.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-160x71.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-800x353.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-768x338.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs-1200x529.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/baby-limbs-victoria-pbs.png 1906w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why are these a thing, other than to give us all nightmares?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, the lady who cockblocked Lord Pam and Disney Princess appears and tells him the following:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Disney Princess is out of bounds, not to be used for the amorous complications you have in mind. I ask this in remembrance of \u003cem>our own\u003c/em> complications.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108920\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xtina-aguilera-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone is messy this season. I love it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Disney Princess finds Lord Pam in the garden and is all over him. Lord Pam is not receptive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108938\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-off-me-lord-pam-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam admits that yes, he could totally rock her world cause he's really great at sex, but he doesn't feel like it. This is the face you make when you don't get to cheat on your evil husband:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108928\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumped-dissed-victoria-pbs-sad-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>May I suggest a cold bath? Not in Albert's bathroom though. That kinky Hercules painting will just get you all riled up again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On her way to maybe take my advice, Disney Princess runs into New Footman and yells, \"GET OUT OF THE WAY!\" in his face. This is no way to treat the guy you're most likely going to hook up with two or three episodes from now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman isn't fazed by her rudeness though and offers her a handkerchief and a brief TEDTalk about the wonders of skinny dipping in the sea. Oh, just make out already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mr-bean-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"394\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside, Babyface Maid finally works up the nerve to quit. Huzzah! Now she gets to enjoy Hot Italian Chef's chest hair for more than 20 minutes a day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This doesn't put the Queen in a celebratory mood though. Victoria, I know it's not fair that Albert doesn't have any chest hair, but you can draw some on if it really bothers you that much!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108939\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-albert-chest-hair-shirtless.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At dinner that night, Albert grades Bertie's homework...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108929\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dumbass.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and continues to quiz him because surely this kid isn't that dumb, right? Bertie screams, \"I DON'T BLOODY KNOW!\" Before Albert can discipline him, Victoria says, \"Please don't bully my child!\" Then she throws a drink in his face because why not:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-pbs-throw-water-albert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Masterpiece Theater presents \u003cem>The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the most entertaining thing to happen at a ritzy dinner table since Lord Grantham puked blood all over the place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/downton-abbey-graphic-bloody-robert.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ah, memories...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Xenadora makes Victoria feel better about disrespecting her husband in front of everyone: \"One quite understands. The wine was not good.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-york-tiffany-wine-laughing-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"307\" height=\"179\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A stand-up comedy star is born! And a two-timing one at that. Moments after ingratiating herself with Victoria, Xenadora runs to Albert's side to tell him, \"Repeated childbirths make women stupid.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/wow-that-is-so-rude.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"175\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of rudeness, after Babyface Maid is finished brushing Victoria's hair before bed, she asks, \"Will that be all, your majesty?\" to which Victoria pointedly says, \"Apparently so!\" That's a weird way of saying \"Thanks for everything! Congrats on marrying a furry man! Let's definitely keep in touch!\" Victoria didn't throw wine in her face though, so I guess that's something.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another day, another skinny dip. (Take that, Ross Poldark!) Mean Butler (the eye roll drumming moment was awesome, but he loses rights to his proper name cause I still hate him) fires New Footman for missing church and being a part-time nudist. Where's the ACLU when you need 'em?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the driveway, now that they both realize they're cut from the same fame-whore cloth, Victoria and Lord Pam decide to be friends, paving the way for Xenadora to take over as our Season 3 villain. Pass me the popcorn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107109\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/pigeon-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Disney Princess happens to ask about the whereabouts of \"that large fellow\" and finds out he's been canned. That large fellow? His name is Your Future Baby Daddy, so have some respect!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Albert is still waiting for Victoria to say, \"Hey, my dude, sorry for throwing a drink in your face in front of everyone for no reason.\" Instead, she says she's returning to London and he can stay behind if he wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-aint-sorry-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"170\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Disney Princess makes up a story that New Footman was running an errand for her during church and must be rehired. We are one step closer to New Footman writing a declaration of love on a big piece of poster board! Skinny dippers of the world, rejoice!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a long travel day, the gang is back in London and pulling up to Buckingham Palace. Things are very tense in Victoria and Albert's carriage. He breaks the tension by adding even more: \"The people await their Queen. And she waits to be adored.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108935\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/awkward-make-it-more-awkward.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Xenadora is leaning into her new role as Season 3 Villain by looking out of her carriage like an absolute weirdo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108923\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108924 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/evil-xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid chat about their next chapter and embrace in the kitchen. Sensing joy, Mean Butler shows up to extinguish it: \"What the hell do you think you're doing?!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef responds, \"I'm comforting my wife. What are you doing?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mean Butler thinks, \u003cem>Oh, nothing much, just living a miserable, empty and lonely existence\u003c/em>, and then promptly has an existential crisis.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria tries to barge into Albert's room. Only trouble is he already thought to lock her out. Outraged, she kicks the door and storms off. Xenadora's evil plan is working!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Childhood Tutor. \u003c/strong>They really should have gotten around to teaching her that humans can't breathe underwater.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: The Isle of Wight Tourism Bureau. \u003c/strong>Congrats on convincing all of us to visit. See y'all (and your naked butts) at the beach!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef's chest hair and New Footman's butt. \u003c/strong>I'm usually annoyed when this show inundates us with new characters, but these newbies can stay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Xenadora. \u003c/strong>Validating drink-throwing by saying the wine sucks? Comedy gold. Looking at Lord Pam's crotch, while saying the word 'swell'? A boss move. How can you not appreciate this face-twitching weirdo?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Albert\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>I know. I'm just as surprised as you are that he's getting this prize two weeks in a row. But he keeps offering up great lines:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"He is a blaggard and he must be disciplined!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"HE DOESN'T READ!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cem>\"This boy's refusal to learn is... PREPOSTEROUS!\"\u003c/em>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Plus, he was pretty cool about having that drink thrown in his face. Cheers to him for deciding not to be insufferable this season!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_108802","label":"pop"},"pop_108287":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108287","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108287","score":null,"sort":[1548030936000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton","publishDate":1548030936,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen spent so much time fighting with Lord Pam...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...that she failed to notice her true battle was with the mob outside the palace strongly considering guillotine-ing her head off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108664\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/BB-5.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"319\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will Victoria's neck be saved? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the mob continues to ram the palace gates, Victoria is yowling up a storm, partly because how dare they and partly because a human being is trying to bust out of her body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora shuffles into the delivery room and snaps, \"Shhh! Screaming won't make it come any faster!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rude? Yes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Iconic? Absolutely.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the hallway, Bertie is really worried his mother will die during childbirth. Victoria Jr. tells him not to worry about it 'cause, if she does, he will be king due to \"primogeniture.\" Um, thanks for the fun fact?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two things we now know about Vicky Jr.:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. She's destined to ace her SAT verbal section.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. She's kind of a sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108666\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/this-makes-me-feel-nothing-new-girl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's not concerned for Victoria's well-being: the deposed French king, Louis Philippe, who is downstairs boozing, gambling and joking about sex swings. I'm not up on my Emily Post, but I'm pretty sure that is not appropriate houseguest behavior if your host is in labor and also maybe about to get murdered by an angry mob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Louis Philippe is too tanked to care about propriety. Laissez les bons temps (et la tête de la reine) rouler! (And my parents said my French minor would never come in handy, ha!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Philippe isn't acting up alone; his gambling partner is a new character who's basically a villain from a direct-to-DVD Disney movie. Disney Villain earns his bad reputation by constantly being hateful for no reason towards Disney Princess, a.ka. his wife and one of Victoria's new ladies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the theme of Season 3 is apparently stuffing at least three brand new characters we don't care about into every single scene, a new footman stands off to the side, gazing at Disney Princess in a way that suggests a star-crossed-lovers-who-can-never-be-together storyline that'll drag its butt over the next eight episodes. Hopefully, this couple has better luck than the Season 2 Gays. AND YES, I AM STILL VERY MUCH LIVID OVER HOW THAT TURNED OUT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107041\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/angry-white-lady-curtains-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"445\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, back to people we actually know. Albert announces the mob has magically dispersed. And the new baby is born without any complications. Hm, that was anticlimactic. That dramatic \"To be continued...\" cliffhanger from last week should have read, \"To be quickly resolved within a minute or two next week...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108668\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-expect-more-from-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the royal children (well, the two old enough to have speaking roles) run in to greet their new sibling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. assumes the role of Simon Cowell on \u003cem>Britain's Got \u003cdel>Talent\u003c/del> Incest\u003c/em>: \"This one's quite pretty... for an infant. Better than the last one anyway.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which makes Bertie Paula Abdul, the not-all-there judge who mostly means well: \"I am glad you're not dead, mama.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How sweet?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time for another bizarre moment, courtesy of the MVP of Season 3 so far, Xenadora! She busts in (boundaries are not really her thing) and campaigns for the baby to take her name (subtlety is also not really her thing). But no dice. Victoria announces that her daughter will be named after Albert's mother because projecting mommy abandonment issues onto a new generation feels like a healthy choice. Every muscle in Xenadora's face works to suppress the primal scream bubbling inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108629\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"308\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Chartist HQ, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> is really hitting it off with her nine-fingered crush. But she's also disturbed by how he's stoking violence within the movement. Is he a mole? Or just pissed that someone shot off his finger?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108669\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/honestly-probably-both.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover invite Victoria to mobilize troops against the Chartists. Victoria RSVPs a hard no, based on her belief that the mob is only thirsty for Louis Philippe's blood, not hers. Someone sprayed on a bit too much of this perfume this morning:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108670\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/delusion-convince-yourself-jinkx.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Chartist HQ, cops storm the place, conveniently find a huge trove of rifles and arrest Nine Fingers for treason. Jo promptly beats the arresting officer. Girl, calm down. You just met him. Also, two plus two equals four, he totally planted the guns there to make y'all look bad! But as the rapper Eve says, \"Love is blind and it'll take over your mind.\" It doesn't help that, as he's being carted off, Nine Fingers says, \"Believe me when I say I never expected to meet a woman like you.\" Mmhm, sure, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108671\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lies-kathy-bates.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Hot Italian Chef has some exciting news for Babyface Maid! He bought the inn! And secured a marriage license too! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or nay? Babyface Maid is annoyed he didn't ask her first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bubble: burst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Celebratory balloon: popped.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108774\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/balloon-pop-skerett-francatelli.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef doesn't want to hear the tired \"But the Queen needs me!\" excuse again so he goes ahead and sets the date. The wedding chapel, tomorrow at 3 o'clock: be there or be square (and single). Babyface Maid nobs in a s\u003cem>ure-unless-I-decide-to-wash-my-hair-around-then\u003c/em> kinda way. Are we about to have a runaway bride on our hands?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108673\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/runaway-bride-julia-roberts.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria hears about all the guns found at the Chartist HQ and decides, \u003cem>Ok, fine, shoot them in the street.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Louis Philippe is still lazing about the palace, overstaying his welcome and breaking even more Emily Post rules. This time, he sits Vicky Jr. and Bertie down for an extremely graphic lesson on the evolution of chopping off royal heads, from the blunt ax to the guillotine. The kids do not appreciate this Story Time session.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108675\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scared-kids-santa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert finds out, he stomps up to Louis Philippe and delivers a line I will be using on all my enemies from now on: \"YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108718\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-out-of-my-face-jonathan-van-ness-queer-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"198\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria grumbles about no longer being popular with the public: \"I want them to love me! Otherwise, what is the point?!\" That's exactly what I say when I get under 100 likes on an Instagram photo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108719\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-sad-phone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, there's a traffic jam due to a random dead horse lying in the street (#19thCenturyProblems), so the carriage holding Disney Princess is forced to stop. That's when a bunch of random dudes come out of nowhere and start banging on the windows and rocking the carriage back and forth. Scary stuff, but may I just say that this particular extra really put his back into the role and deserves a raise:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just when it looks like they're going to smash the spit-covered carriage window, Lord Pam trots up and asks them to chill. The mob magically disperses without so much as a top hat knocked off because this episode's theme is anticlimax.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam then does what any knight in shining armor should: immediately passes the damsel in distress a huge crystal flask full of booze. Permission to cheat on your mean husband: granted!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria and Xenadora tire of being passive and finally get aggressive. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You left when I was young and didn't even come to my wedding!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I didn't have money!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You could have begged me for some!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>As if!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't expect you to understand. You've never been in my position!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>YoU'vE nEvEr BeEn In My PoSiTiOn!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108721\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"680\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg 680w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-160x104.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-240x155.jpeg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-375x243.jpeg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-520x336.jpeg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 680px) 100vw, 680px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out, but I barely notice because Xenadora's facial muscles are doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Xenadora make up two scenes later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Louis Philippe finds Victoria and says, \u003cem>Hey, sorry about getting tanked during your labor and telling your kids about how decapitated heads are picked up from their hair. Please forward my mail to the roach motel down the block. \u003c/em>But Victoria won't hear of it and grants him one of her country homes. Moral of the story: Scar your friend's children for life, get a free house.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108726\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/count-me-in.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"380\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In light of the rifle bust and all the mob action going on, Albert convinces Victoria to seek safety at another one of their palaces on the Isle of Wight. Disney Princess has to rush home to get ready but needs someone to accompany her so no one spits all over her window again. If only there was a hunk standing around who could help. Oh, would you look at that? New Footman is conveniently two feet away! I smell a love triangle brewing! Hopefully, it brings the sparks like the one in \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing that Nine Fingers is innocent, Jo visits the police station to campaign for his release. But he's already out! Cause he's a cop! Who's now acting as though he's never seen her in his life! Youch! Jo is going to need a lot of aloe to ease the sting of this burn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108728\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hes-been-playing-you-like-a-puppet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The clock strikes three at the wedding chapel. And Babyface Maid is nowhere to be found...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108764\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-interesting-sad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...until she comes running in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm going to ignore the line in Babyface Maid's vows about obeying Hot Italian Chef, and focus on the line in Hot Italian Chef's vows about worshiping her with his body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108766\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-wink.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"229\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which they don't waste any time getting to, if this five-second scene is any indication.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oo-la-la-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid's hair is down, which means Hot Italian Chef's case of blue balls is about to be cured! Halleloo!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108765\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-soggy-bottom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Jo pops up and frantically shares the news of Nine Fingers not being that into her and being way more into framing the Chartist movement. Victoria believes Jo's story because why would a noted actress from a beloved 1980s sitcom lie? Albert must have not have been a fan of the show though because he thinks Jo's theory is outlandish and ridiculous. A government using nefarious means to suppress the people? Who's ever heard of such a thing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108756\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/no-way-kirsten-wiig.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all evidence pointing to a set-up, Albert convinces Victoria to just forget about it and instead worry about what in-carriage entertainment they'll enjoy on their way to their new palace. But before they're even out of their zip code, Victoria has a panic attack and forces the motorcade to stop. She jumps out and announces that she has had a change of heart: \u003cem>Hey, y'all! That whole shooting unarmed protesters in the street? Let's not do it! K thanks!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone shrugs and carries on, except for Lord Pam, the architect of the strategy to plant rifles: \"How the devil did she find out?\" Answer: Her name is Jo and she's not here for your crap!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a bridge, guards load and aim their guns at the protesters. Will they get the message that Victoria has changed her mind in time?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Of course they will because nothing really happens on this show (except for procreation). The protesters safely submit their little petition and quietly go home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on the Isle of Wight, everyone has heart eyes for their new digs. But Victoria is seeing red over being forced to flee her own people over a whole lot of nothing. Albert eases her anger by unveiling a kinky painting of Hercules, who's been tied up by a queen and made to do whatever she desires. He explains that he's Hercules in this situation (Ha! Keep dreaming!) and that he intends to look at it and think of her while he bathes. Cool story, bro, but keep your masturbation plans to yourself next time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Xenadora gets an eyeful of Albert's bath time porn and shudders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/shudder-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"315\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to Chartist HQ to draw up a petition for this woman to win a Golden Globe for all her weird twitching*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Nine Fingers. \u003c/strong>He's already missing a finger and he's about to be missing another body part if he doesn't leave Jo alone! #LorenaBobbittThePrequel\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Jo. \u003c/strong>The best way to get over a breakup is to single-handedly save a movement. Who runs the world? Girls (who look like forgotten '80s stars)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting some! But be warned: I will rescind this award if it turns out they failed to use protection. I can't take any more pregnancies right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Patron saint of creepy weirdos everywhere. Bow down (while face-twitching)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Albert. \u003c/strong>He usually bugs me, but I am happy to admit that his catchphrase \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" is my new favorite succession of words. It's the kind of thing you say to someone before slapping their face with an unworn glove. Don't be surprised when I'm cast on a \u003cem>Real Housewives\u003c/em> show and use it as my intro tagline.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"This episode has it all: a wedding, a birth and a very naughty painting.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663760,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":128,"wordCount":2512},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton | KQED","description":"This episode has it all: a wedding, a birth and a very naughty painting.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108287 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108287","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/01/20/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton","path":"/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Queen spent so much time fighting with Lord Pam...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...that she failed to notice her true battle was with the mob outside the palace strongly considering guillotine-ing her head off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108664\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/BB-5.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"319\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will Victoria's neck be saved? Let's find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the mob continues to ram the palace gates, Victoria is yowling up a storm, partly because how dare they and partly because a human being is trying to bust out of her body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora shuffles into the delivery room and snaps, \"Shhh! Screaming won't make it come any faster!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rude? Yes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Iconic? Absolutely.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the hallway, Bertie is really worried his mother will die during childbirth. Victoria Jr. tells him not to worry about it 'cause, if she does, he will be king due to \"primogeniture.\" Um, thanks for the fun fact?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two things we now know about Vicky Jr.:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A. She's destined to ace her SAT verbal section.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>B. She's kind of a sociopath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108666\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/this-makes-me-feel-nothing-new-girl.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who's not concerned for Victoria's well-being: the deposed French king, Louis Philippe, who is downstairs boozing, gambling and joking about sex swings. I'm not up on my Emily Post, but I'm pretty sure that is not appropriate houseguest behavior if your host is in labor and also maybe about to get murdered by an angry mob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Louis Philippe is too tanked to care about propriety. Laissez les bons temps (et la tête de la reine) rouler! (And my parents said my French minor would never come in handy, ha!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96638\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/bonjour-raven-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"236\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Philippe isn't acting up alone; his gambling partner is a new character who's basically a villain from a direct-to-DVD Disney movie. Disney Villain earns his bad reputation by constantly being hateful for no reason towards Disney Princess, a.ka. his wife and one of Victoria's new ladies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the theme of Season 3 is apparently stuffing at least three brand new characters we don't care about into every single scene, a new footman stands off to the side, gazing at Disney Princess in a way that suggests a star-crossed-lovers-who-can-never-be-together storyline that'll drag its butt over the next eight episodes. Hopefully, this couple has better luck than the Season 2 Gays. AND YES, I AM STILL VERY MUCH LIVID OVER HOW THAT TURNED OUT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107041\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/angry-white-lady-curtains-freak-out-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"445\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, back to people we actually know. Albert announces the mob has magically dispersed. And the new baby is born without any complications. Hm, that was anticlimactic. That dramatic \"To be continued...\" cliffhanger from last week should have read, \"To be quickly resolved within a minute or two next week...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108668\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-expect-more-from-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"193\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, the royal children (well, the two old enough to have speaking roles) run in to greet their new sibling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Vicky Jr. assumes the role of Simon Cowell on \u003cem>Britain's Got \u003cdel>Talent\u003c/del> Incest\u003c/em>: \"This one's quite pretty... for an infant. Better than the last one anyway.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which makes Bertie Paula Abdul, the not-all-there judge who mostly means well: \"I am glad you're not dead, mama.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How sweet?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108771\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"534\" height=\"401\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky.jpg 534w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-240x180.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-375x282.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/american-idol-victoria-bertie-vicky-520x390.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 534px) 100vw, 534px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Time for another bizarre moment, courtesy of the MVP of Season 3 so far, Xenadora! She busts in (boundaries are not really her thing) and campaigns for the baby to take her name (subtlety is also not really her thing). But no dice. Victoria announces that her daughter will be named after Albert's mother because projecting mommy abandonment issues onto a new generation feels like a healthy choice. Every muscle in Xenadora's face works to suppress the primal scream bubbling inside.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108629\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"308\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the Chartist HQ, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> is really hitting it off with her nine-fingered crush. But she's also disturbed by how he's stoking violence within the movement. Is he a mole? Or just pissed that someone shot off his finger?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108669\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/honestly-probably-both.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover invite Victoria to mobilize troops against the Chartists. Victoria RSVPs a hard no, based on her belief that the mob is only thirsty for Louis Philippe's blood, not hers. Someone sprayed on a bit too much of this perfume this morning:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108670\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/delusion-convince-yourself-jinkx.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Chartist HQ, cops storm the place, conveniently find a huge trove of rifles and arrest Nine Fingers for treason. Jo promptly beats the arresting officer. Girl, calm down. You just met him. Also, two plus two equals four, he totally planted the guns there to make y'all look bad! But as the rapper Eve says, \"Love is blind and it'll take over your mind.\" It doesn't help that, as he's being carted off, Nine Fingers says, \"Believe me when I say I never expected to meet a woman like you.\" Mmhm, sure, buddy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108671\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lies-kathy-bates.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Hot Italian Chef has some exciting news for Babyface Maid! He bought the inn! And secured a marriage license too! Yay!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or nay? Babyface Maid is annoyed he didn't ask her first.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bubble: burst.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Celebratory balloon: popped.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108774\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/balloon-pop-skerett-francatelli.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef doesn't want to hear the tired \"But the Queen needs me!\" excuse again so he goes ahead and sets the date. The wedding chapel, tomorrow at 3 o'clock: be there or be square (and single). Babyface Maid nobs in a s\u003cem>ure-unless-I-decide-to-wash-my-hair-around-then\u003c/em> kinda way. Are we about to have a runaway bride on our hands?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108673\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/runaway-bride-julia-roberts.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Victoria hears about all the guns found at the Chartist HQ and decides, \u003cem>Ok, fine, shoot them in the street.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Louis Philippe is still lazing about the palace, overstaying his welcome and breaking even more Emily Post rules. This time, he sits Vicky Jr. and Bertie down for an extremely graphic lesson on the evolution of chopping off royal heads, from the blunt ax to the guillotine. The kids do not appreciate this Story Time session.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108675\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/scared-kids-santa.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert finds out, he stomps up to Louis Philippe and delivers a line I will be using on all my enemies from now on: \"YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS A PROVOCATION!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108718\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/get-out-of-my-face-jonathan-van-ness-queer-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"198\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Victoria grumbles about no longer being popular with the public: \"I want them to love me! Otherwise, what is the point?!\" That's exactly what I say when I get under 100 likes on an Instagram photo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108719\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-sad-phone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, there's a traffic jam due to a random dead horse lying in the street (#19thCenturyProblems), so the carriage holding Disney Princess is forced to stop. That's when a bunch of random dudes come out of nowhere and start banging on the windows and rocking the carriage back and forth. Scary stuff, but may I just say that this particular extra really put his back into the role and deserves a raise:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108632\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/rioter-spit-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just when it looks like they're going to smash the spit-covered carriage window, Lord Pam trots up and asks them to chill. The mob magically disperses without so much as a top hat knocked off because this episode's theme is anticlimax.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam then does what any knight in shining armor should: immediately passes the damsel in distress a huge crystal flask full of booze. Permission to cheat on your mean husband: granted!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Victoria and Xenadora tire of being passive and finally get aggressive. It goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You left when I was young and didn't even come to my wedding!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I didn't have money!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You could have begged me for some!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>As if!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I don't expect you to understand. You've never been in my position!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>YoU'vE nEvEr BeEn In My PoSiTiOn!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108721\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"680\" height=\"440\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob.jpeg 680w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-160x104.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-240x155.jpeg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-375x243.jpeg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spongebob-520x336.jpeg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 680px) 100vw, 680px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria storms out, but I barely notice because Xenadora's facial muscles are doing weird things again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108633\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xenadora-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"420\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Xenadora make up two scenes later.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108720\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/anticlimactic.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Louis Philippe finds Victoria and says, \u003cem>Hey, sorry about getting tanked during your labor and telling your kids about how decapitated heads are picked up from their hair. Please forward my mail to the roach motel down the block. \u003c/em>But Victoria won't hear of it and grants him one of her country homes. Moral of the story: Scar your friend's children for life, get a free house.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108726\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/count-me-in.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"380\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In light of the rifle bust and all the mob action going on, Albert convinces Victoria to seek safety at another one of their palaces on the Isle of Wight. Disney Princess has to rush home to get ready but needs someone to accompany her so no one spits all over her window again. If only there was a hunk standing around who could help. Oh, would you look at that? New Footman is conveniently two feet away! I smell a love triangle brewing! Hopefully, it brings the sparks like the one in \u003cem>Felicity\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108780\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/felicity-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"739\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Believing that Nine Fingers is innocent, Jo visits the police station to campaign for his release. But he's already out! Cause he's a cop! Who's now acting as though he's never seen her in his life! Youch! Jo is going to need a lot of aloe to ease the sting of this burn.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108728\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/hes-been-playing-you-like-a-puppet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The clock strikes three at the wedding chapel. And Babyface Maid is nowhere to be found...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108764\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-interesting-sad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...until she comes running in!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-1-1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'm going to ignore the line in Babyface Maid's vows about obeying Hot Italian Chef, and focus on the line in Hot Italian Chef's vows about worshiping her with his body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108766\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-wink.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"229\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Which they don't waste any time getting to, if this five-second scene is any indication.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108634\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oo-la-la-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Babyface Maid's hair is down, which means Hot Italian Chef's case of blue balls is about to be cured! Halleloo!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-36649\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_nv6v36PPbS1s5v14qo2_r1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108765\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/mary-berry-soggy-bottom.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Jo pops up and frantically shares the news of Nine Fingers not being that into her and being way more into framing the Chartist movement. Victoria believes Jo's story because why would a noted actress from a beloved 1980s sitcom lie? Albert must have not have been a fan of the show though because he thinks Jo's theory is outlandish and ridiculous. A government using nefarious means to suppress the people? Who's ever heard of such a thing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108756\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/no-way-kirsten-wiig.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"499\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all evidence pointing to a set-up, Albert convinces Victoria to just forget about it and instead worry about what in-carriage entertainment they'll enjoy on their way to their new palace. But before they're even out of their zip code, Victoria has a panic attack and forces the motorcade to stop. She jumps out and announces that she has had a change of heart: \u003cem>Hey, y'all! That whole shooting unarmed protesters in the street? Let's not do it! K thanks!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone shrugs and carries on, except for Lord Pam, the architect of the strategy to plant rifles: \"How the devil did she find out?\" Answer: Her name is Jo and she's not here for your crap!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a bridge, guards load and aim their guns at the protesters. Will they get the message that Victoria has changed her mind in time?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Of course they will because nothing really happens on this show (except for procreation). The protesters safely submit their little petition and quietly go home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over on the Isle of Wight, everyone has heart eyes for their new digs. But Victoria is seeing red over being forced to flee her own people over a whole lot of nothing. Albert eases her anger by unveiling a kinky painting of Hercules, who's been tied up by a queen and made to do whatever she desires. He explains that he's Hercules in this situation (Ha! Keep dreaming!) and that he intends to look at it and think of her while he bathes. Cool story, bro, but keep your masturbation plans to yourself next time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Xenadora gets an eyeful of Albert's bath time porn and shudders.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/shudder-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"315\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*runs over to Chartist HQ to draw up a petition for this woman to win a Golden Globe for all her weird twitching*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Nine Fingers. \u003c/strong>He's already missing a finger and he's about to be missing another body part if he doesn't leave Jo alone! #LorenaBobbittThePrequel\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Jo. \u003c/strong>The best way to get over a breakup is to single-handedly save a movement. Who runs the world? Girls (who look like forgotten '80s stars)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Congrats to them for finally getting some! But be warned: I will rescind this award if it turns out they failed to use protection. I can't take any more pregnancies right now!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Patron saint of creepy weirdos everywhere. Bow down (while face-twitching)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Albert. \u003c/strong>He usually bugs me, but I am happy to admit that his catchphrase \"YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!\" is my new favorite succession of words. It's the kind of thing you say to someone before slapping their face with an unworn glove. Don't be surprised when I'm cast on a \u003cem>Real Housewives\u003c/em> show and use it as my intro tagline.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_108776","label":"pop"},"pop_108284":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_108284","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"108284","score":null,"sort":[1547425810000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen","title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen","publishDate":1547425810,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to catch up with \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. Everyone else, let's do this thing!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom! It's 1848 and we're in Paris! But hold off on adorning your face with a fake beauty mark and biting into that eclair because the royal palace is being stormed by an angry mob! The fleeing rich inhabitants attempt to drag all their prized paintings, gold-rimmed mirrors and fancy furniture along with them. Um, you guys? A literal bomb just went off right outside that window over there. Maybe leave the end table and haul ass? Just a suggestion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All I know is that this cutie better get out of this alive!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"693\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For any regular readers betting on how soon I would find a way to make this recap about a cute animal, the winning guess is: Before the second paragraph!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the French baby pup hadn't graced our screens, I would have just brought up how I'm still not over Dash dying last season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"956\" height=\"712\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg 956w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-160x119.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-800x596.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-768x572.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-240x179.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-375x279.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-520x387.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 956px) 100vw, 956px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, we can rest assured that he's in a better place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108554\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"970\" height=\"1168\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg 970w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-800x963.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-768x925.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-960x1156.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-240x289.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-375x452.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-520x626.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 970px) 100vw, 970px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the humans (if we must).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While the King of France tries evading certain death by running through underground tunnels, Victoria and her squad stroll through Buckingham Palace in their finest jewels wholly unbothered because all the downtrodden Brits are too hungry (or too polite?) to revolt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The gazillion royal children are in attendance. Just look at how many pregnancy storylines we've suffered through over two short seasons!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"510\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-160x128.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-800x638.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-768x612.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1200x957.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1180x941.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-960x766.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-240x191.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-375x299.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-520x415.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids.png 1432w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the face I make when thinking about the fact that Queen Victoria had nine kids in total so we still have four more to go:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"272\" height=\"288\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png 272w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-160x169.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-240x254.png 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 272px) 100vw, 272px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>UGH, make that three more to go. Victoria and Albert have been busy yet again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"390\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-160x98.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-800x488.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-768x469.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1200x732.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1180x720.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-960x586.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-375x229.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-520x317.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM.png 1872w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108526\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/enough-pitch-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"625\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a rowboat in the middle of nowhere carrying a mystery woman, who looks an awful lot like Lucy Lawless. Could this be the \u003cem>Xena / Victoria\u003c/em> crossover I never knew I wanted?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108527 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"1200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-240x360.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-375x563.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-520x780.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, the new Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston, is in the mood to cook up some drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the floor of the House of Commons, Pam (that's what the British people called him back in the day) announces that he's sent congratulations to the French revolutionaries. He then talks a bunch of smack about autocrats. This doesn't go over well with Victoria, seeing as \"autocrat\" is one of her middle names, so she summons Pam and yells at him. With a Sorry, Not Sorry smirk on his face, Pam essentially says, \u003cem>Hold that thought, ma'am. I'm in the middle of undressing all your maids with my eyes. I'll be right with you though.\u003c/em> After two full seasons of Victoria and Albert at each other's throats, I welcome this new challenger!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, a new footman is introduced. He looks nothing like Xena. Oh, well. Can't win 'em all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some working-class borough, a group of Chartists debates how to go about securing the right to vote.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option A:\u003c/strong> Submit a petition that will immediately be thrown into a roaring fireplace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option B:\u003c/strong> Overthrow the Queen (guillotine assembly required).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They decide to play nice... for now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are getting hot and heavy, until Babyface Maid puts the brakes on their trip to home base. \"We have to wait,\" she says. \"I'm not leaving here in disgrace!\" Wait, does she mean she wants to wait until marriage? Or just until after her morning shift? Either way, Hot Italian Chef has blue balls.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/omg-blue-balls-penis-having-a-heart-attack.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Xena arrives. Turns out she's Victoria's older half-sister, Feodora, who left England to marry a German prince when Victoria was nine. So she's a princess, just like Xena! I knew it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108531\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-i-win.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"191\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From the first impression, it's hard to tell if Xenadora is either kind of dumb or shady as hell. Like when she makes sure to point out that Albert is their first cousin (still ew). Or when she says, \"So many children,\" then takes a pregnant pause (pun intended), looks down at Victoria's stomach and continues in a weird judgmental tone, \"...and another one on the way.\" (Don't remind me!) My money's on shady.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora eventually breaks down and explains the reason for her visit is that the revolutionaries almost got a hold of her. But that doesn't stop Victoria from complaining about how rude it is to drop in unannounced and how she hopes she doesn't stay long. Albert is like, \u003cem>Woah, that's your sister! Her life was in danger! You're being a brat!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, he would know.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unrelated: I don't know what this little cutie's name is, but I am a fan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"457\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-160x114.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-800x571.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-768x548.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1200x857.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1180x842.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-960x685.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-240x171.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-375x268.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-520x371.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, one of the countless kids, Bertie, plays with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hmm, what's a polite way of saying this kid is probably not that bright due to incest? Oops, I said it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108538\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sue-me-nina-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert bursts in with his long underwear in a twist over an up-and-comer called Karl Marx, who's advocating for workers' rights. What if lower-class Brits start wanting basic human rights?! If the massive gap between the classes is bridged even a little bit, Albert and Victoria might have to wear clothes more than once!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Based on hanging out with poor people *checks notes* exactly zero times in his life, Albert feels he knows enough to lecture Victoria on the realities of poverty. Victoria doesn't waste any time reminding him he's as much an out-of-touch snob as she is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You know nothing of how these people live!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You do?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"..........No.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's what I thought!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert would put his foot in his mouth if there wasn't already a gigantic silver spoon in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hallway, Hot Italian Chef pounces on Babyface Maid and starts making out with her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"Do you think you can contrive to leave the palace for an hour? There's something I want to show you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"What is it?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"A surprise.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Surprise\" is code for eggplant emoji, isn't it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Hot Italian Chef unveils his surprise...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108539\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dick-in-a-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Actually, it ends up not being that (this isn't \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>). He shows her an inn he wants to buy so they can quit their jobs. Not exactly what I was bargaining for, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some rough neighborhood, Albert spends 18 seconds in a poor person's house and is aghast. 14 people under one roof! And they don't have their own rooms, let alone their own wings! He gives them a single coin. Surely he can do better than that. Here's an idea: Donate all the money you don't spend on contraceptives!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, across town, Victoria is riding through the park, complaining about how annoying her childhood pet pony was.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/haters-my-little-pony-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"342\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the memory of how terrible it was to have her own horse isn't enough to upset her, stumbling on Lord Pam enjoying a \"vulgar\" boxing match does it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, when Albert tries to share his 14-people-in-one-wingless-home anecdote, Victoria interrupts: \u003cem>I'ma let you finish, but OMG Lord Pam is the worst person of all time! He was watching people box! Can you believe what this world has come to?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if sensing how out-of-touch the Queen is, a Chartist on the other side of town decides the ruling class can ignore a petition, but they can't ignore this rock through that glass window.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108552\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/throw-rock-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam warns Victoria that the Chartists are starting to break windows and might eventually decide to break her neck. But Victoria is not concerned. \u003cem>My people love me too much! They adore paying my bills while they suffer!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But an hour later, Victoria starts having doubts and asks Babyface Maid: \"Do you think they hate me?\" Instead of blurting out \"Um, duh,\" Babyface Maid says \"No way!\" and offers to introduce the Queen to a Chartist to ease her worries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the deposed French king shows up at the palace, needing a place to crash, and doesn't look so good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/louis-philippe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's either reacting to being dethroned and almost murdered, or he's just really upset that we're living through yet another pregnancy storyline. Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Xenadora is getting emotional looking at a portrait of her dead uncle. Bertie runs in and asks what she's doing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"I'm remembering an old friend.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bertie:\u003c/strong> \"A FAT friend!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know it's not right to laugh, but...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dinosaurs-laugh-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"277\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's quarters, Babyface Maid presents her Chartist friend, who looks a lot like Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108542\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Am I crazy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don't answer that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Jo if the Chartists want to get rid of her, and Jo says, \"We want justice, not revolution!\" Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ok cool, just checking, bye! \u003c/em>You might be wondering why this super short scene even exists. Answer: so that we can witness this wonderfully awkward curtsy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/funny-curtsy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria hosts a dinner for the former French king. After weeks of wearing moth-eaten clothes, Xenadora borrows a dress from Victoria and walks in like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All eyes are on her instead of the Queen. Again, there's weird tension between Victoria and her sister. Pull each other's hair or get off the pot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of fighting, Lord Pam and Victoria get into a tiff over the optics of having the French king stay in the palace. Lord Pam thinks it might inspire Chartists to riot. Victoria doesn't buy it: \"We are British! We may grumble, we may protest, but we are not a revolutionary people.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to grumbling, protesting Brits getting revolutionary right outside the palace gate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef looks out at the angry mob and tells Babyface Maid, \u003cem>Hey, this seems like a good time to go buy that inn and avoid being murdered when they storm this place. \u003c/em>But she doesn't agree:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"She needs me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"No, she employs you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. Hot Italian Chef isn't just a pretty face. He should host a self-help podcast!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, a rock flies through a window and almost hits Victoria! And her water breaks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can we take some historical liberties here and have quadruplets come out so we can move out of this infinite pregnancy loop? Please and thank you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the people burn an effigy of the Queen. And then we're hit with a \"To be continued...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's ovaries and Albert's sperm. \u003c/strong>Be less impregnable! Swim slower!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie.\u003c/strong> It's not his fault his mom and dad share grandparents.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Window repair people. \u003c/strong>Revolution: bad for the ruling class, great for business! Congrats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Victoria's Childhood Pet Pony. \u003c/strong>Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>Victoria might be the Queen, but he's the reigning Drama Queen. I think we're supposed to not like him, but I'm excited about whatever messy pot-stirring he's got in store.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Season 3 begins with the British people mulling over guillotine-ing Victoria's head off. NBD.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551663792,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":128,"wordCount":2188},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen | KQED","description":"Season 3 begins with the British people mulling over guillotine-ing Victoria's head off. NBD.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"108284 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=108284","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2019/01/13/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen","path":"/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>For those who have no idea what this show is about, I advise you to catch up with \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">my previous recaps\u003c/a>. Everyone else, let's do this thing!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boom! It's 1848 and we're in Paris! But hold off on adorning your face with a fake beauty mark and biting into that eclair because the royal palace is being stormed by an angry mob! The fleeing rich inhabitants attempt to drag all their prized paintings, gold-rimmed mirrors and fancy furniture along with them. Um, you guys? A literal bomb just went off right outside that window over there. Maybe leave the end table and haul ass? Just a suggestion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All I know is that this cutie better get out of this alive!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"693\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For any regular readers betting on how soon I would find a way to make this recap about a cute animal, the winning guess is: Before the second paragraph!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the French baby pup hadn't graced our screens, I would have just brought up how I'm still not over Dash dying last season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"956\" height=\"712\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket.jpg 956w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-160x119.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-800x596.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-768x572.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-240x179.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-375x279.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dash-locket-520x387.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 956px) 100vw, 956px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, we can rest assured that he's in a better place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108554\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"970\" height=\"1168\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs.jpg 970w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-160x193.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-800x963.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-768x925.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-960x1156.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-240x289.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-375x452.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/all-dogs-520x626.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 970px) 100vw, 970px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the humans (if we must).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While the King of France tries evading certain death by running through underground tunnels, Victoria and her squad stroll through Buckingham Palace in their finest jewels wholly unbothered because all the downtrodden Brits are too hungry (or too polite?) to revolt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The gazillion royal children are in attendance. Just look at how many pregnancy storylines we've suffered through over two short seasons!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"510\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1020x813.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-160x128.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-800x638.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-768x612.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1200x957.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-1180x941.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-960x766.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-240x191.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-375x299.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids-520x415.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-kids.png 1432w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is the face I make when thinking about the fact that Queen Victoria had nine kids in total so we still have four more to go:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108335\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"272\" height=\"288\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria.png 272w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-160x169.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/eesh-kid-victoria-240x254.png 240w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 272px) 100vw, 272px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>UGH, make that three more to go. Victoria and Albert have been busy yet again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108479\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"390\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1020x622.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-160x98.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-800x488.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-768x469.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1200x732.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-1180x720.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-960x586.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-240x146.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-375x229.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM-520x317.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-01-08-at-4.40.34-PM.png 1872w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108526\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/enough-pitch-perfect.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"625\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to a rowboat in the middle of nowhere carrying a mystery woman, who looks an awful lot like Lucy Lawless. Could this be the \u003cem>Xena / Victoria\u003c/em> crossover I never knew I wanted?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108527 size-medium\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"1200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-240x360.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-375x563.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-victoria-crossover-520x780.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in London, the new Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston, is in the mood to cook up some drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the floor of the House of Commons, Pam (that's what the British people called him back in the day) announces that he's sent congratulations to the French revolutionaries. He then talks a bunch of smack about autocrats. This doesn't go over well with Victoria, seeing as \"autocrat\" is one of her middle names, so she summons Pam and yells at him. With a Sorry, Not Sorry smirk on his face, Pam essentially says, \u003cem>Hold that thought, ma'am. I'm in the middle of undressing all your maids with my eyes. I'll be right with you though.\u003c/em> After two full seasons of Victoria and Albert at each other's throats, I welcome this new challenger!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108529\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/victoria-mortal-kombat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"368\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, a new footman is introduced. He looks nothing like Xena. Oh, well. Can't win 'em all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some working-class borough, a group of Chartists debates how to go about securing the right to vote.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option A:\u003c/strong> Submit a petition that will immediately be thrown into a roaring fireplace.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Option B:\u003c/strong> Overthrow the Queen (guillotine assembly required).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They decide to play nice... for now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are getting hot and heavy, until Babyface Maid puts the brakes on their trip to home base. \"We have to wait,\" she says. \"I'm not leaving here in disgrace!\" Wait, does she mean she wants to wait until marriage? Or just until after her morning shift? Either way, Hot Italian Chef has blue balls.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/omg-blue-balls-penis-having-a-heart-attack.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Xena arrives. Turns out she's Victoria's older half-sister, Feodora, who left England to marry a German prince when Victoria was nine. So she's a princess, just like Xena! I knew it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108531\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/xena-i-win.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"191\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From the first impression, it's hard to tell if Xenadora is either kind of dumb or shady as hell. Like when she makes sure to point out that Albert is their first cousin (still ew). Or when she says, \"So many children,\" then takes a pregnant pause (pun intended), looks down at Victoria's stomach and continues in a weird judgmental tone, \"...and another one on the way.\" (Don't remind me!) My money's on shady.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora eventually breaks down and explains the reason for her visit is that the revolutionaries almost got a hold of her. But that doesn't stop Victoria from complaining about how rude it is to drop in unannounced and how she hopes she doesn't stay long. Albert is like, \u003cem>Woah, that's your sister! Her life was in danger! You're being a brat!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, he would know.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unrelated: I don't know what this little cutie's name is, but I am a fan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"457\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1020x728.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-160x114.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-800x571.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-768x548.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1200x857.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-1180x842.png 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-960x685.png 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-240x171.png 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-375x268.png 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs-520x371.png 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/cute-pup-victoria-pbs.png 1230w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The following day, one of the countless kids, Bertie, plays with an abacus.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108480\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/abacus-bertie-not-bright.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"306\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hmm, what's a polite way of saying this kid is probably not that bright due to incest? Oops, I said it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108538\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/sue-me-nina-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"279\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert bursts in with his long underwear in a twist over an up-and-comer called Karl Marx, who's advocating for workers' rights. What if lower-class Brits start wanting basic human rights?! If the massive gap between the classes is bridged even a little bit, Albert and Victoria might have to wear clothes more than once!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Based on hanging out with poor people *checks notes* exactly zero times in his life, Albert feels he knows enough to lecture Victoria on the realities of poverty. Victoria doesn't waste any time reminding him he's as much an out-of-touch snob as she is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"You know nothing of how these people live!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria:\u003c/strong> \"You do?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \"..........No.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108550\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/clapback-meme-victoria-4.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's what I thought!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert would put his foot in his mouth if there wasn't already a gigantic silver spoon in there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a hallway, Hot Italian Chef pounces on Babyface Maid and starts making out with her neck.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"Do you think you can contrive to leave the palace for an hour? There's something I want to show you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"What is it?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"A surprise.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Surprise\" is code for eggplant emoji, isn't it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later, Hot Italian Chef unveils his surprise...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108539\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dick-in-a-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"274\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Actually, it ends up not being that (this isn't \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>). He shows her an inn he wants to buy so they can quit their jobs. Not exactly what I was bargaining for, but okay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some rough neighborhood, Albert spends 18 seconds in a poor person's house and is aghast. 14 people under one roof! And they don't have their own rooms, let alone their own wings! He gives them a single coin. Surely he can do better than that. Here's an idea: Donate all the money you don't spend on contraceptives!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, across town, Victoria is riding through the park, complaining about how annoying her childhood pet pony was.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108557\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/haters-my-little-pony-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"342\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If the memory of how terrible it was to have her own horse isn't enough to upset her, stumbling on Lord Pam enjoying a \"vulgar\" boxing match does it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, when Albert tries to share his 14-people-in-one-wingless-home anecdote, Victoria interrupts: \u003cem>I'ma let you finish, but OMG Lord Pam is the worst person of all time! He was watching people box! Can you believe what this world has come to?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if sensing how out-of-touch the Queen is, a Chartist on the other side of town decides the ruling class can ignore a petition, but they can't ignore this rock through that glass window.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108552\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/throw-rock-window.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"460\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Lord Pam warns Victoria that the Chartists are starting to break windows and might eventually decide to break her neck. But Victoria is not concerned. \u003cem>My people love me too much! They adore paying my bills while they suffer!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But an hour later, Victoria starts having doubts and asks Babyface Maid: \"Do you think they hate me?\" Instead of blurting out \"Um, duh,\" Babyface Maid says \"No way!\" and offers to introduce the Queen to a Chartist to ease her worries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the deposed French king shows up at the palace, needing a place to crash, and doesn't look so good.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108482\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/louis-philippe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's either reacting to being dethroned and almost murdered, or he's just really upset that we're living through yet another pregnancy storyline. Same, bro. Same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Xenadora is getting emotional looking at a portrait of her dead uncle. Bertie runs in and asks what she's doing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \"I'm remembering an old friend.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bertie:\u003c/strong> \"A FAT friend!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I know it's not right to laugh, but...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dinosaurs-laugh-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"277\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's quarters, Babyface Maid presents her Chartist friend, who looks a lot like Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108542\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1180x664.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-960x540.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Am I crazy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Don't answer that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria asks Jo if the Chartists want to get rid of her, and Jo says, \"We want justice, not revolution!\" Victoria is like, \u003cem>Ok cool, just checking, bye! \u003c/em>You might be wondering why this super short scene even exists. Answer: so that we can witness this wonderfully awkward curtsy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-108481\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/funny-curtsy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Victoria hosts a dinner for the former French king. After weeks of wearing moth-eaten clothes, Xenadora borrows a dress from Victoria and walks in like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38402\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/violet-chacki-drag-race-dress-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"212\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All eyes are on her instead of the Queen. Again, there's weird tension between Victoria and her sister. Pull each other's hair or get off the pot!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of fighting, Lord Pam and Victoria get into a tiff over the optics of having the French king stay in the palace. Lord Pam thinks it might inspire Chartists to riot. Victoria doesn't buy it: \"We are British! We may grumble, we may protest, but we are not a revolutionary people.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to grumbling, protesting Brits getting revolutionary right outside the palace gate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hot Italian Chef looks out at the angry mob and tells Babyface Maid, \u003cem>Hey, this seems like a good time to go buy that inn and avoid being murdered when they storm this place. \u003c/em>But she doesn't agree:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \"She needs me.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \"No, she employs you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. Hot Italian Chef isn't just a pretty face. He should host a self-help podcast!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, a rock flies through a window and almost hits Victoria! And her water breaks!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Can we take some historical liberties here and have quadruplets come out so we can move out of this infinite pregnancy loop? Please and thank you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the people burn an effigy of the Queen. And then we're hit with a \"To be continued...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's ovaries and Albert's sperm. \u003c/strong>Be less impregnable! Swim slower!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie.\u003c/strong> It's not his fault his mom and dad share grandparents.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Window repair people. \u003c/strong>Revolution: bad for the ruling class, great for business! Congrats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Victoria's Childhood Pet Pony. \u003c/strong>Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam. \u003c/strong>Victoria might be the Queen, but he's the reigning Drama Queen. I think we're supposed to not like him, but I'm excited about whatever messy pot-stirring he's got in store.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or read all my \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">other \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> recaps\u003c/a> below!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3341","pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_108558","label":"pop"},"pop_97779":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_97779","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"97779","score":null,"sort":[1519609840000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life","title":"'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life","publishDate":1519609840,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/18/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert threw an episode-long tantrum to get Lehzen fired, Prime Minister Peele got sick of all of these people and quit, and, oh yeah, the writers killed off Brunette Most Definitely Gay because we needed another reminder that gays don't get to have happy endings. Will Ada Lovelace pop back up to invent a mood stabilizer for Albert? Will Prime Minister Peele dedicate the rest of his life to orchids and dying alone, like Lord M? Will Brunette Most Definitely Gay's ghost come back and take a pottery class with his woulda-coulda-shoulda boyfriend?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg 900w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 900px) 100vw, 900px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our episode begins in the Kingdom of Dahomey in West Africa, the place that inspired the bad ass group of women guards in \u003cem>Black Panther\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/True_kwu/status/964983924647657473\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside a royal hut, the following exchange takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Some white dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, King of Dahomey, you really shouldn't keep that child in a cage.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>How dare you?! You don't even go here! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't make my Queen angry. And also don't irritate her man-baby husband because I can't take another episode of him whining and throwing tantrums.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He sounds like the worst. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He is.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Okay, how about this? I'll let you take this caged kid, if you get out of my face.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Deal.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Albert is actually in a good mood! He's hopped up on Christmas, blasting Mariah Carey's \"All I Want for Christmas Is You,\" watching \u003cem>The Family Stone\u003c/em> over and over (minus the sad ending), and plotting the amount of trees he'll bring into the residence. I'm sure he really loves the fact that Jesus was born, but I bet he loves the fact that Lehzen is no longer around even more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Hampshire, the caged child from Dahomey is now in a pretty dress, learning to play piano. The white dude turns out to be a captain, and he intends to give the child to Victoria as a gift. \u003cem>Surprise! I got you a human being!\u003c/em> Yeah, that just doesn't feel right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of children, Victoria's corset doesn't fit again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">You know what that means!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">She's pregnant for the 9,724th time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102118\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria confides in Babyface Maid: \"This is my first pregnancy since...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>9 months ago?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, turns out she meant \"...since Lehzen left.\" But both are correct.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert interrupts to say that there's a surprise for Victoria in the music room. Is it a lifetime supply of contraceptives? Please be a ton of condoms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"362\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, the surprise ends up being quite the opposite: Uncle/Daddy Leopold and Victoria's mom, who are delighted at how quickly Victoria is churning out children. They almost burst into a cheerleading routine, in which they spell out K-E-E-P H-A-V-I-N-G U-N-P-R-O-T-E-C-T-E-D S-E-X!, but they save it for another time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of sex, Ernst -- who puts the ho in \"Ho ho ho!\" -- is also in attendance and feeling awkward for a few reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Widow Bestie, whom Ernst just stood up with no explanation, is there.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Uncle/Daddy Leopold is trying to marry Ernst off to a princess, who is also his cousin, because there's no such thing as too much incest in this royal family.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Ernst can't have sex with either of them because of the syphilis he picked up in France.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>It's tough being Ernst right now, but it might be harder to be on the receiving end of a child's insult.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's mom:\u003c/strong> \"Do you remember me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lil' Vicki:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, you were the lady who always makes mama cross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102120\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are playing tonsil hockey and enjoying being straight. Meanwhile, Blond Most Definitely Gay is shirtless in his room, as he puts on a black arm band under his clothes because no one can know that his heart is broken. Hold on. Be right back. Gotta go sob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20663\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the throne room, the Captain attempts to gift the Dahomey child, whose name is Sarah, to the Queen. It's as awkward as expected. But, after hearing the story of how Sarah is actually a princess whose entire family was slaughtered, it is decided that she can stay. Victoria's emotional journey in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102123\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"447\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, while Victoria and Sarah are out shopping for dolls, the Duchess of Buccleuch is loudly grousing about how crazy she thinks taking in an African orphan is. She is also disturbed by Albert's extravagant Christmas decorations (\"In my day, we were perfectly happy with an orange!\"). And she's displeased with her niece, whose name I just learned is Wilhelmina, for being over the age of 16 and still single. Anything else, Duchess?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102124\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the nursery, Sarah is spooked by the palace dogs. Like me, she is troubled by the fact that none of these dogs are Dash. #ResurrectDash #IMissPhotoshoppingHeartsAroundHisLittleFace\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom and Albert try to convince Victoria to kick Sarah out of the palace, even though she has no one. I wonder if they would act this way if the princess was from Europe.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"446\" height=\"349\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Babyface Maid visits a lawyer and discovers that she's just inherited property in South Carolina worth over a million pounds by today's standards!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The only trouble is that it's a plantation full of slaves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"870\" height=\"488\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Ernst lazing about with spilled mercury powder all over his room. Leopold is not fazed in the slightest and brushes off Ernst's concerns about spreading syphilis. \u003cem>Oh, please! There are worse things than spreading an STD to your cousin and maybe having deformed children with her! Do it for our incest-ridden dynasty!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"298\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, the whole gang goes to the opera, where Uncle Scar pops up to say, \u003cem>Oh, hey, Victoria. I'm really bummed that you haven't died while giving birth to any of your 9,724 kids. P.S. I WANT MY MOM'S NECKLACE BACK!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Sarah has a night terror and ends up wandering the halls, crying. Victoria rushes to comfort her, while Albert reiterates his opinion that they should just throw her out. Hmm, what's an unexpected way Albert could die?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Found one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102147\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, something white and powdery is all over everything. No, not Ernst's mercury; snow! Everyone has a marvelous time ice-skating and playing in the snow, except for the patron saint of hissy fits, Albert, who's annoyed that Sarah is taking Victoria's attention away from him. He's literally feuding with a five-year-old orphan. Does his stankness know no bounds?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102148\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another unexpected drop-in by Uncle Scar about taking back the necklace, Victoria tries to explain why she doesn't want to hand it over to a man who wished for her death for so many years. Being the supportive husband that he is, Albert takes Uncle Scar's side, treats Victoria as if she's being hysterical, and even manages to drag Lehzen's name through the mud one more time. Knock him out, Victoria!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102154\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Victoria doesn't get around to it because Albert runs off to put more ornaments on the tree. I thought the point of sending Lehzen away was so Albert would stop being a prick? That sure didn't last long!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah finds Victoria crying and asks, \u003cem>Oh no! Was your mom slaughtered too?\u003c/em> After Victoria explains that she's just sad that her governess moved away, Sarah comforts her over her #FirstWorldProblems, and teaches her a coping mechanism: when you're devastated over the fact that your entire family was brutally murdered (or over the fact that your babysitter has a new mailing address), make a funny face and you'll momentarily forget how terrible the world can be!\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102150\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"440\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the servants host a house party downstairs. Everyone, including the royals, do si do and twerk and have the time of their lives... except for Blond Most Definitely Gay, who is all by himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-81227\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"355\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, Ernst has too many partners. His princess cousin sends him flirty \u003cem>Let's get married even though we have the same grandparent!\u003c/em> looks, while Widow Bestie sends him looks that can best be summed up by this poem:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae7eOrabSj0\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ernst can't take it anymore, so he leaves the party to spend the rest of the evening reapplying mercury poison all over his body and sadly looking down at his crotch. But his moping session is interrupted by an unexpected visitor. It's Widow Bestie, who takes off her cloak to reveal lingerie! Have fun, you crazy kids, but remember that Jackie Chan and I want you to use protection!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some rolling around, Ernst is seized by shame and tells Widow Bestie it isn't going to happen. He explains that he only liked her when she was prim, proper, and unavailable. Okay, crushing this girl's heart with a rude lie is one way to go about this. Another would be just telling her the truth? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Widow Bestie bawling in a dark hallway. Because he can't help himself, he blurts out, \u003cem>Oh, you bummed about Ernst's syphilis? \u003c/em>Looks like Leopold owes Ernst yet another apology selfie locket.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of lockets, Wilhelmina got some of Brunette Most Definitely Gay's hair and created a keepsake for Blond Most Definitely Gay. I'm not crying; you're crying!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102159\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-160x116.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-800x582.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-768x559.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1200x873.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1920x1397.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1180x859.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-960x698.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-375x273.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-520x378.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blond Most Definitely Gay is so thankful that he proposes to Wilhelmina and makes out with her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, my dude, you could have just gotten her an Edible Arrangement bouquet of chocolate-covered fruit to say thanks. I understand needing a rebound, but what are you doing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102160\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"361\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1200x677.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1920x1084.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1180x666.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-960x542.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-375x212.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show writers have some nerve perpetuating the gays-can't-have-happy-endings trope with Brunette's death, and then smearing this BS on top.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96705\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more disgusting news, Albert refuses to get Sarah a Christmas tree like all the other kids, because why not ostracize an orphan and add to her misery for no reason?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since it's been a few hours since he last picked a fight with Victoria, he tells her that she's only thinking of herself in trying to help this little girl, and that she has mommy issues. That's rich coming from someone who pouts about his mom every other episode, and has such intense daddy issues that an entire recap from this season was called just that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102161\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid starts to feel bad about all those slaves she just inherited, so, instead of buying a bed and breakfast with Hot Italian Chef, she frees them all, even though it means she has to give up her dream of filling an Olympic-sized pool with gold coins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102164\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the music room, Albert is loudly singing Christmas carols while banging on the piano. \u003cem>Isn't Christmas the best, Ernst?! Remember how awesome our childhoods were and how in love our parents were?\u003c/em> Because Ernst has been through a lot of crap recently, he has no patience for any of this: \u003cem>Our mother hated our dad so much she slept with his own brother! Oh, and are you forgetting she abandoned us on Christmas Eve? Invest in a therapist, dude. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who's got mommy issues now, Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria can't seem to find Sarah. When she asks if anyone has seen her, Victoria's mom says, \"Probably in some corner somewhere. Maybe she's outside in the snow.\" The 'hopefully frozen to death' is not spoken, but heavily implied.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria runs outside to find her, but stumbles upon a grumpy Albert ice skating quite aggressively. He glowers at her for no reason, and then proceeds to fall through the thin ice. Is cheering not the appropriate response here? Drowning under an ice-covered lake is not exactly being eaten by a lion, but I'll take it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, damn, Victoria manages to save him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102168\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"231\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah is safe too, and tells Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, thanks for this bummer of a slumber party, but I'm ready to go back to the captain's house where grown adults don't bully me.\u003c/em> She is sent away the following day, and Albert smiles as he etches another check mark on the wall next to Lehzen's. Two down; next up: anyone else Victoria shows a passing interest in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the Babyface Maid / Hot Italian Chef storyline wraps up with a quickness because there are only a few minutes left in this season:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, I gave up all my money and am back to being wildly poor!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's hot! Let's get married right away and struggle to make ends meet for the rest of our lives!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Sounds good! Remember that entire year we passive-aggressively ignored each other for no reason?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> LOL! We're hilarious. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, another couple is also fast-tracking their romance. Blond Most Definitely Still Gay But Burying It Deep Down Inside gives Wilhelmina a ring to make it official, and they carry on like they're actually in love and the waterfall scene never happened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-160x140.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-800x702.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-768x674.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1200x1053.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1180x1035.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-960x842.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-240x211.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-375x329.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-520x456.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg 1826w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"555\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-160x139.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-800x694.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-768x667.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1200x1042.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1180x1024.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-960x833.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-240x208.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-375x326.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-520x451.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg 1850w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-87685\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"383\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Christmas dinner, everyone is having a splendid time pretending that no one has syphilis, and no one regrets marrying Albert, and no one just signed up for a miserable, closeted life. But the perfect illusion is threatened by a visit from Uncle Scar. Is he going to snatch his mom's necklace from Victoria's neck? Is he going to set all the Christmas trees on fire? Is he going to throw up blood onto the dinner table \u003ca href=\"https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/downton-abbey-blood-cough-2.gif\">like the dad in \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102175\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"226\" height=\"308\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh. None of that happens. He just says: \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Since this is a Christmas episode, never mind all the crazy things I've done and threatened to do. Let's eat! \u003c/em>Everyone agrees to not admit they hate each other's guts until next season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102177\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"302\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Props on doing the right thing instead of becoming the Paris Hilton of the 1800s.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Sarah. \u003c/strong>She's a survivor, she's not gon' give up, she's not gon' stop, she's gon' work harder!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Thin Ice. \u003c/strong>Thanks for trying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Brunette Most Definitely Gay and Dash. \u003c/strong>In some ways, they're better off up in heaven. I hope they're having a blast being best friends. 💞\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Warning: There is a risk of damaging your eyes from rolling them so hard at this episode.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1551664011,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":136,"wordCount":2818},"headData":{"title":"'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life | KQED","description":"Warning: There is a risk of damaging your eyes from rolling them so hard at this episode.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"97779 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=97779","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/25/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life/","disqusTitle":"'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life","path":"/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/02/18/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow/\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Albert threw an episode-long tantrum to get Lehzen fired, Prime Minister Peele got sick of all of these people and quit, and, oh yeah, the writers killed off Brunette Most Definitely Gay because we needed another reminder that gays don't get to have happy endings. Will Ada Lovelace pop back up to invent a mood stabilizer for Albert? Will Prime Minister Peele dedicate the rest of his life to orchids and dying alone, like Lord M? Will Brunette Most Definitely Gay's ghost come back and take a pottery class with his woulda-coulda-shoulda boyfriend?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"900\" height=\"506\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv.jpg 900w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-375x211.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-albert-victoria-pbs-itv-520x292.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 900px) 100vw, 900px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our episode begins in the Kingdom of Dahomey in West Africa, the place that inspired the bad ass group of women guards in \u003cem>Black Panther\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"singleTwitterStatus","attributes":{"named":{"id":"964983924647657473"},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside a royal hut, the following exchange takes place:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Some white dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, King of Dahomey, you really shouldn't keep that child in a cage.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>How dare you?! You don't even go here! I do what I want!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Don't make my Queen angry. And also don't irritate her man-baby husband because I can't take another episode of him whining and throwing tantrums.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He sounds like the worst. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>He is.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>King of Dahomey:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Okay, how about this? I'll let you take this caged kid, if you get out of my face.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>White dude:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Deal.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the palace, Albert is actually in a good mood! He's hopped up on Christmas, blasting Mariah Carey's \"All I Want for Christmas Is You,\" watching \u003cem>The Family Stone\u003c/em> over and over (minus the sad ending), and plotting the amount of trees he'll bring into the residence. I'm sure he really loves the fact that Jesus was born, but I bet he loves the fact that Lehzen is no longer around even more.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in Hampshire, the caged child from Dahomey is now in a pretty dress, learning to play piano. The white dude turns out to be a captain, and he intends to give the child to Victoria as a gift. \u003cem>Surprise! I got you a human being!\u003c/em> Yeah, that just doesn't feel right.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of children, Victoria's corset doesn't fit again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-do-this-to-me-luanna.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">You know what that means!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102115\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/dont-say-it-dont-think-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"359\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">She's pregnant for the 9,724th time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102118\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/again-really-no-stop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria confides in Babyface Maid: \"This is my first pregnancy since...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>9 months ago?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, turns out she meant \"...since Lehzen left.\" But both are correct.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert interrupts to say that there's a surprise for Victoria in the music room. Is it a lifetime supply of contraceptives? Please be a ton of condoms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/condoms.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"362\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, the surprise ends up being quite the opposite: Uncle/Daddy Leopold and Victoria's mom, who are delighted at how quickly Victoria is churning out children. They almost burst into a cheerleading routine, in which they spell out K-E-E-P H-A-V-I-N-G U-N-P-R-O-T-E-C-T-E-D S-E-X!, but they save it for another time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102121\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/congrats-on-the-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of sex, Ernst -- who puts the ho in \"Ho ho ho!\" -- is also in attendance and feeling awkward for a few reasons:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Widow Bestie, whom Ernst just stood up with no explanation, is there.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Uncle/Daddy Leopold is trying to marry Ernst off to a princess, who is also his cousin, because there's no such thing as too much incest in this royal family.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Ernst can't have sex with either of them because of the syphilis he picked up in France.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>It's tough being Ernst right now, but it might be harder to be on the receiving end of a child's insult.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Victoria's mom:\u003c/strong> \"Do you remember me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Lil' Vicki:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, you were the lady who always makes mama cross.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102120\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/burn-thats-a-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are playing tonsil hockey and enjoying being straight. Meanwhile, Blond Most Definitely Gay is shirtless in his room, as he puts on a black arm band under his clothes because no one can know that his heart is broken. Hold on. Be right back. Gotta go sob.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20663\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/211691_original.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the throne room, the Captain attempts to gift the Dahomey child, whose name is Sarah, to the Queen. It's as awkward as expected. But, after hearing the story of how Sarah is actually a princess whose entire family was slaughtered, it is decided that she can stay. Victoria's emotional journey in a nutshell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102123\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/emma-watson-awkward-thumbs-up.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"447\" height=\"250\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, while Victoria and Sarah are out shopping for dolls, the Duchess of Buccleuch is loudly grousing about how crazy she thinks taking in an African orphan is. She is also disturbed by Albert's extravagant Christmas decorations (\"In my day, we were perfectly happy with an orange!\"). And she's displeased with her niece, whose name I just learned is Wilhelmina, for being over the age of 16 and still single. Anything else, Duchess?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102124\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/complaint-box.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"265\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the nursery, Sarah is spooked by the palace dogs. Like me, she is troubled by the fact that none of these dogs are Dash. #ResurrectDash #IMissPhotoshoppingHeartsAroundHisLittleFace\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria's mom and Albert try to convince Victoria to kick Sarah out of the palace, even though she has no one. I wonder if they would act this way if the princess was from Europe.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/hmm-will-smith-thinking-look.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"446\" height=\"349\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Babyface Maid visits a lawyer and discovers that she's just inherited property in South Carolina worth over a million pounds by today's standards!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-money-excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"260\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The only trouble is that it's a plantation full of slaves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/britney-cringe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"870\" height=\"488\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Ernst lazing about with spilled mercury powder all over his room. Leopold is not fazed in the slightest and brushes off Ernst's concerns about spreading syphilis. \u003cem>Oh, please! There are worse things than spreading an STD to your cousin and maybe having deformed children with her! Do it for our incest-ridden dynasty!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102146\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/nasty-disgusting-thats.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"298\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, the whole gang goes to the opera, where Uncle Scar pops up to say, \u003cem>Oh, hey, Victoria. I'm really bummed that you haven't died while giving birth to any of your 9,724 kids. P.S. I WANT MY MOM'S NECKLACE BACK!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"232\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam.gif 232w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/your-tone-seems-very-pointed-right-now-gif-willam-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 232px) 100vw, 232px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Sarah has a night terror and ends up wandering the halls, crying. Victoria rushes to comfort her, while Albert reiterates his opinion that they should just throw her out. Hmm, what's an unexpected way Albert could die?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Found one:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102147\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-want-him-to-be-eaten-by-a-lion-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"212\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, something white and powdery is all over everything. No, not Ernst's mercury; snow! Everyone has a marvelous time ice-skating and playing in the snow, except for the patron saint of hissy fits, Albert, who's annoyed that Sarah is taking Victoria's attention away from him. He's literally feuding with a five-year-old orphan. Does his stankness know no bounds?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102148\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/grow-the-fuck-up-pikachu-pokemon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After another unexpected drop-in by Uncle Scar about taking back the necklace, Victoria tries to explain why she doesn't want to hand it over to a man who wished for her death for so many years. Being the supportive husband that he is, Albert takes Uncle Scar's side, treats Victoria as if she's being hysterical, and even manages to drag Lehzen's name through the mud one more time. Knock him out, Victoria!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102154\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/buffy-punching-hit-hate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Victoria doesn't get around to it because Albert runs off to put more ornaments on the tree. I thought the point of sending Lehzen away was so Albert would stop being a prick? That sure didn't last long!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah finds Victoria crying and asks, \u003cem>Oh no! Was your mom slaughtered too?\u003c/em> After Victoria explains that she's just sad that her governess moved away, Sarah comforts her over her #FirstWorldProblems, and teaches her a coping mechanism: when you're devastated over the fact that your entire family was brutally murdered (or over the fact that your babysitter has a new mailing address), make a funny face and you'll momentarily forget how terrible the world can be!\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102150\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/leo-dicaprio-funny-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"440\" height=\"275\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the servants host a house party downstairs. Everyone, including the royals, do si do and twerk and have the time of their lives... except for Blond Most Definitely Gay, who is all by himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-81227\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/05/lonely-milhouse.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"376\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102155\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/sad-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"355\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, Ernst has too many partners. His princess cousin sends him flirty \u003cem>Let's get married even though we have the same grandparent!\u003c/em> looks, while Widow Bestie sends him looks that can best be summed up by this poem:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ae7eOrabSj0'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ae7eOrabSj0'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Ernst can't take it anymore, so he leaves the party to spend the rest of the evening reapplying mercury poison all over his body and sadly looking down at his crotch. But his moping session is interrupted by an unexpected visitor. It's Widow Bestie, who takes off her cloak to reveal lingerie! Have fun, you crazy kids, but remember that Jackie Chan and I want you to use protection!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102156\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jackie-chan-condom-safe-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"368\" height=\"208\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After some rolling around, Ernst is seized by shame and tells Widow Bestie it isn't going to happen. He explains that he only liked her when she was prim, proper, and unavailable. Okay, crushing this girl's heart with a rude lie is one way to go about this. Another would be just telling her the truth? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, Uncle/Daddy Leopold finds Widow Bestie bawling in a dark hallway. Because he can't help himself, he blurts out, \u003cem>Oh, you bummed about Ernst's syphilis? \u003c/em>Looks like Leopold owes Ernst yet another apology selfie locket.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1020x830.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-160x130.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-800x651.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-768x625.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1200x977.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-1180x960.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-960x781.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-240x195.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-375x305.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket-520x423.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/spilled-beans-locket.jpg 1327w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of lockets, Wilhelmina got some of Brunette Most Definitely Gay's hair and created a keepsake for Blond Most Definitely Gay. I'm not crying; you're crying!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102159\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1020x742.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-160x116.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-800x582.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-768x559.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1200x873.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1920x1397.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-1180x859.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-960x698.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-240x175.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-375x273.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/drummond-victoria-alfred-locket-hair-520x378.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Blond Most Definitely Gay is so thankful that he proposes to Wilhelmina and makes out with her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, my dude, you could have just gotten her an Edible Arrangement bouquet of chocolate-covered fruit to say thanks. I understand needing a rebound, but what are you doing?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102160\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"361\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1020x576.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-800x451.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-768x433.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1200x677.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1920x1084.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-1180x666.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-960x542.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-240x135.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-375x212.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/alfred-victoria-kiss-520x293.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The show writers have some nerve perpetuating the gays-can't-have-happy-endings trope with Brunette's death, and then smearing this BS on top.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96705\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/i-am-disgusted-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In more disgusting news, Albert refuses to get Sarah a Christmas tree like all the other kids, because why not ostracize an orphan and add to her misery for no reason?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since it's been a few hours since he last picked a fight with Victoria, he tells her that she's only thinking of herself in trying to help this little girl, and that she has mommy issues. That's rich coming from someone who pouts about his mom every other episode, and has such intense daddy issues that an entire recap from this season was called just that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102161\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/disgusted-eye-roll-dwight-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"270\" height=\"276\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, Babyface Maid starts to feel bad about all those slaves she just inherited, so, instead of buying a bed and breakfast with Hot Italian Chef, she frees them all, even though it means she has to give up her dream of filling an Olympic-sized pool with gold coins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102164\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/you-did-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"247\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the music room, Albert is loudly singing Christmas carols while banging on the piano. \u003cem>Isn't Christmas the best, Ernst?! Remember how awesome our childhoods were and how in love our parents were?\u003c/em> Because Ernst has been through a lot of crap recently, he has no patience for any of this: \u003cem>Our mother hated our dad so much she slept with his own brother! Oh, and are you forgetting she abandoned us on Christmas Eve? Invest in a therapist, dude. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who's got mommy issues now, Albert?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102166\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/lauren-conrad-lc-sip-tea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Victoria can't seem to find Sarah. When she asks if anyone has seen her, Victoria's mom says, \"Probably in some corner somewhere. Maybe she's outside in the snow.\" The 'hopefully frozen to death' is not spoken, but heavily implied.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria runs outside to find her, but stumbles upon a grumpy Albert ice skating quite aggressively. He glowers at her for no reason, and then proceeds to fall through the thin ice. Is cheering not the appropriate response here? Drowning under an ice-covered lake is not exactly being eaten by a lion, but I'll take it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102167\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jack-titanic-die.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, damn, Victoria manages to save him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102168\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/george-clooney-disgusted-disappointed.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"231\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sarah is safe too, and tells Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, thanks for this bummer of a slumber party, but I'm ready to go back to the captain's house where grown adults don't bully me.\u003c/em> She is sent away the following day, and Albert smiles as he etches another check mark on the wall next to Lehzen's. Two down; next up: anyone else Victoria shows a passing interest in.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Downstairs, the Babyface Maid / Hot Italian Chef storyline wraps up with a quickness because there are only a few minutes left in this season:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, I gave up all my money and am back to being wildly poor!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That's hot! Let's get married right away and struggle to make ends meet for the rest of our lives!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Babyface Maid: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Sounds good! Remember that entire year we passive-aggressively ignored each other for no reason?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Hot Italian Chef:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> LOL! We're hilarious. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, another couple is also fast-tracking their romance. Blond Most Definitely Still Gay But Burying It Deep Down Inside gives Wilhelmina a ring to make it official, and they carry on like they're actually in love and the waterfall scene never happened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1020x895.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-160x140.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-800x702.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-768x674.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1200x1053.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-1180x1035.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-960x842.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-240x211.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-375x329.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf-520x456.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/victoria-no-albert-wtf.jpg 1826w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-102171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"555\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1020x885.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-160x139.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-800x694.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-768x667.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1200x1042.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-1180x1024.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-960x833.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-240x208.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-375x326.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina-520x451.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/no-albert-victoria-wilhelmina.jpg 1850w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-87685\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/06/oprah-won-t-accept-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-102172\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/slam-door.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"383\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At Christmas dinner, everyone is having a splendid time pretending that no one has syphilis, and no one regrets marrying Albert, and no one just signed up for a miserable, closeted life. But the perfect illusion is threatened by a visit from Uncle Scar. Is he going to snatch his mom's necklace from Victoria's neck? Is he going to set all the Christmas trees on fire? Is he going to throw up blood onto the dinner table \u003ca href=\"https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/downton-abbey-blood-cough-2.gif\">like the dad in \u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102175\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jon-stewart-eating-popcorn.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"226\" height=\"308\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh. None of that happens. He just says: \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Since this is a Christmas episode, never mind all the crazy things I've done and threatened to do. Let's eat! \u003c/em>Everyone agrees to not admit they hate each other's guts until next season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/britney-yawn-bored.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"306\" height=\"200\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Albert. \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102177\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/i-curse-the-day-you-were-born-charlotte-sex-and-the-city.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"302\">\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Babyface Maid. \u003c/strong>Props on doing the right thing instead of becoming the Paris Hilton of the 1800s.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Sarah. \u003c/strong>She's a survivor, she's not gon' give up, she's not gon' stop, she's gon' work harder!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Thin Ice. \u003c/strong>Thanks for trying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: \u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>Brunette Most Definitely Gay and Dash. \u003c/strong>In some ways, they're better off up in heaven. I hope they're having a blast being best friends. 💞\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108303/victoria-season-3-finale-recap-matchmaker-matchmaker\">'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_8","pop_2931"],"featImg":"pop_102178","label":"pop"}},"programsReducer":{"possible":{"id":"possible","title":"Possible","info":"Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. 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