4) As soon as you can, make a bee line for the gift table then Start Guessing What The Gifts Are by comparing package size to registry. There's really no way to win this game since you won't be opening the packages, but, if you're pretty sure Sarah and Tammy got that ice cream maker on their registry, it's totally fine to start making a mental list of things you want to borrow from them for your next party.

5) If the pills from the widow table mix with the Shirley Temples just right, I get in the mood to pretend I'm an explorer discovering a strange new civilization. As such, it's completely appropriate for me to Bag and Tag a selection of the passed hors d'oeuvres like some rare butterfly for scientific cataloging. When you get home, free, dry, then dip them in formaldehyde and tack them in a shadow box once they're preserved. On the couple's one year anniversary, send them the shadow box anonymously and see if they ever bring it up.

6) Now that you've spent some time at the widow table, hit the bar and Find the Drunk Uncles. The drunk uncle isn't just a terrible SNL character, he's also a real guy at every family wedding who wants to share his wayward political beliefs, feelings on modern society and have "just one more if I hafta to sit truuu annuder ones of deeeese speechessssss." Once his entertainment value has worn off, you can spend the rest of the wedding commiserating with other guests: "Did you see Uncle What's His Name? Man, when is he going to learn he can't hold his liquor. Remember Greek Easter last year?"

7) Although no one should EVER be forced to Chicken Dance against their will, you'll want to be sure to Enjoy All The Theme Dances the DJ plays. YMCA, Mexican Hat Dance, Macarena, Bunny Hop, Mash Potato, Hokey Pokey, ALL OF THEM! Like drinking a Shirley Temple, how often do you get to put your right foot in, put your right foot out?

8) The obvious deal breaker in the above clause is of course, when they play that one song by Beyonce. Stay seated when the DJ asks "all my single ladies" to come to the dance floor. It's just humiliating. Mrs. Z, is this what you had in mind when you released this song; brides and DJs punishing maiden friends with a ritual dance of the fool? This doesn't apply if the Liza Minnelli version of the song is played. But then again, if that happens, you're likely at a gay wedding and everyone goes to the dance floor at that point no matter their marital status.

9) Catch the garter/bouquet. Then, yell "hike!" tuck it under your arm and run towards an imaginary goal post.

10) Well, it's almost over, you might as well Have a Piece of Cake. Have two, you're single, you don't answer to anyone and besides, you already had like, six Shirley Temples. I guess you did make up for it on the dance floor. If you've followed my tips, you'll be a happy guest and, as you savor the fondant, you'll say "wedding cake tastes better because it's made with love" and then go home and sleep off your sugar headache. If, in spite of my excellent advice, you still didn't enjoy yourself, you can stuff your face and grumble "wedding cake tastes better because it's made with two individual's freedom." Then go home and sleep off your post nuptial resentment.

singlessingles

Wedding Survival Guide for Singles