MGMT

When “Electric Feel” first made its rounds in the ether, it was new and psychedelic and bros thought it sounded the way their tapestry looked. I’ve seen this band live and after two hours of keeping the crowd waiting, they finally showed up after midnight, completely inebriated, and unable to perform. Just like a bro on a date! I think bros embrace fresh sounds on the radio, and props to them for seeking out difference in the world. We are talking about a new era of bro, the contemplative counter-culturalist who just wants to trade in those rugby jerseys for some crystals.

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

I can’t believe this band is still putting out records. I thought, after dumping their tour bus' waste off a bridge and onto a boat of actual people (the image!), they would have laid low for a while. I can respect loyal fans, those who followed DMB forward from their “Satellite” and “Stay” years. I’ll even admit I had a poster of Dave in my room in high school next to all my Friends pin-ups. But that’s just it, something about DMB seems very stuck in the past. When I return home, every sixth car on the road has their updated DMB bumper sticker and it’s almost charming. Bros must love nostalgia or returning to the time in their heads when they were the big men on campus. And I agree, nostalgia is a great thing, and if we could roll back to the years of Jimi Things and Dancing Nancies, I might be down.

JAY-Z

The ultimate bro fantasy: be one of the most famous rappers of our time and marry the most powerful woman in music. What is better than having it all? Jay-Z has proved time and time again that he is the powerhouse of rap music. While Kanye’s off doing a little too much experimenting for a bro’s taste, Jay-Z is a consistent reminder of what the male American Dream has become: get rich or die trying. And from what I can tell, Jay-Z seems like a stand-up dude, working his way up the ladder from the Marcy Housing Project to Madison Square Garden. Every bro wants to make the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.

DEADMAU5

It always surprises me that house music is the common link for gay men and bros. But when you think about it, bros often have a reputation of being secretly homoerotic. I mean, I’ve seen a few films under the LGBT Netflix category. But I would argue that it is the bro way of subconsciously extending a proverbial arm to the gay community and vice versa. Both parties are just looking to understand each other through music. And what better way to do it than on the dance floor? Like Daft Punk, Deadmau5 masks himself beneath this cartoonish headpiece, and drops huge and wildly popular beats. It matters not what he looks like or what he believes in, just as long as the music doesn’t stop.

JACK JOHNSON

The bros love bubble toes! If they can’t be Jay-Z owning the concrete jungle, they can take it to the water. This hammock-swinging, Mai-Tai dude has every girl in a bikini blushing. Bros take note: just throw on an oversized Polo sweater, hop in your Wrangler, and head to the beach. If you bring your guitar (which you will!), be sure you’re not too high to remember those chord changes. And if you get her alone on the walk down that sandy shoreline, give her your thumb ring as a token of your loyalty and affection. Tell her you love her so much, it scares you.

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