Let’s face it, it was only a matter of time. We kind of asked for it. Having not one, but two holidays every year centered around slaughtering and eating turkeys. Putting cute cartoon versions of their jowly faces on greeting cards to celebrate all that festive carnivorousness. Now, like Bodega Bay in The Birds, communities all over the country are finding themselves beset on all sides with wild turkeys trying to F up everyone’s S.

There’s Cleveland, Ohio, where several neighborhoods are being forced to pick up their mail from the post office because gangs of rogue turkeys won’t let postal workers get to mailboxes. One woman in Chicago was chased by ten turkeys who then broke into her garage. In Foxborough, Massachusetts, they “act like they own the place.”

Closer to home, Fremont, San Rafael, and Walnut Creek came under a rash of attacks last November, right before Thanksgiving. (Coincidence? Not likely!)

In Sacramento, when one reporter went to investigate reports about a wild bird named Terrible Tom, this dramatic chase occurred. (Turn the sound on because her commentary is amazing. “I don’t have a stick!” is a high point.)

The hero in the above clip was a mailman. Across the board, these intrepid public servants are bearing the brunt of nationwide turkey terror. Just look at how cool this Cape Cod USPS worker is under pressure. (Unlike the reporter, he does have a stick.)

One of the groups most hated by turkeys appears to be the exercise-inclined (because — duh! — they want us to die prematurely!). In Stamford, Connecticut, feathered fiends have been going after joggers. In New York, one cyclist’s healthy lifestyle so offended one wild turkey, it felt the need to knock him off his bicycle.

So what should you do if a wild turkey has you in its sights? Sensing the impending avian apocalypse, the Massachusetts state government has set up a webpage dedicated to the topic. “Don’t let turkeys intimidate you,” it warns. Do “scare or threaten [the] turkey with loud noises” and “swatting”!

Good luck out there.

Revenge-Seeking Turkeys Are Attacking America 12 January,2018Rae Alexandra

Author

Rae Alexandra

Rae Alexandra is On Call Producer for KQED Pop. Born and raised in Wales, she started her career writing for Britain’s biggest music magazines. After moving to California, she became a regular contributor to both SF Weekly and New York’s Village Voice. She regularly ruins your favorite ‘80s movies at MovieRuiner.com, and can be found on Twitter @raemondjjjj.

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