In the previous episode of Poldark, Ross kissed Elizabeth all over her head, Demelza asked for an open relationship, and Jennifer Lawrence randomly hooked up with Gross Goblin. Will Ross get mono from all that smooching? Will Demelza finally blast some Marvin Gaye and get it on with Prison Bestie? Will Jennifer Lawrence explain why in the world she gave her sister’s evil husband a lap dance? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
On the edge of a cliff, Bone Maraca Pirate and Mrs. Pigpen are getting tanked on rum because what else is there to do in 18th-century Cornwall? But something disrupts their day drinking; French ships coming in hot! All the other bored and/or drunk townies pick up their pitchforks and tiki torches (too soon?), vow to start using the term “freedom fries” (not too soon), and head to the beach to meet the invasion.
But no one comes ashore. The French were either spying or just wanted to take a sick Instagram shot of waves crashing on the English shore (no one said getting 100 likes was easy).
On a different cliffside, Demelza reads a poem from Prison Bestie. It reads:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Please f-ck me.
Demelza is wowed by his frank lyricism. Her adultery likelihood meter goes from 95% to 96%.
On his way back from passing laws in London that make sure poor people can’t afford grain during a famine, Malfoy passes Drake’s house and sees him minding his own damn business. Malfoy makes a mental note to destroy the little happiness he has left because sociopaths gonna sociopath.
Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc prescribes Morwenna a tincture that will help her deal with her FML existence (it knocks her out cold) and advises Gross Goblin to continue not raping her. Gross Goblin quickly agrees because Jennifer Lawrence has taken off her shoe and is rubbing her foot while staring longingly at him.
Dear Jennifer Lawrence, I have one thing to say to you:
After Doc leaves, Morwenna snores and dreams of toads, while Gross Goblin and J. La have really loud sex in the next room.
In town, Ross has been chosen to lead a neighborhood-watch militia. I can’t even pretend to care at this point.
Back at Athlete’s Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence announces that she’s pregnant. So it’s official. She never wanted revenge for her sister, only to get a piece of that toe-slurping action. Congratulations, J. La, you’re officially the worst.
The next day, Drake discovers that someone has destroyed his blacksmith shop and driven off his customers. Geez, let the poor boy sadly hammer hot metal! Demelza realizes Malfoy is most likely behind this and runs to Ross for help. Ross says he has bigger things to worry about and explains that his awesome, gorgeous, cool ex would never allow such a thing to happen anyway. Demelza’s facial reaction (and a little something I added) speaks for us all:
For those keeping track, her extra-marital affair likelihood meter just went up from 96% to 97%.
Over at Toe Fungus Incorporated, Jennifer Lawrence has an idea: she’ll get married to a random librarian and they’ll pretend Gross Goblin has nothing to do with the baby… for a price. So this was all about money? It would have been so much better if Jennifer Lawrence had been a revenge-obsessed mastermind, but she’s just a horny blackmailer. FAIL. The writers trying to effectively utilize this character:
On the other side of town, Demelza continues to beg Ross to stand up for Drake and all the poor people being trampled by the Malfoys of the world. For once, Ross doesn’t feel like it. “You would have me pontificate and play the hero and make some grand, dramatic gesture. I am not that man, Demelza! I have never been that man!”
Hold on a minute, brb. *rewatches the past three seasons of this show* Okay, I’m back. Um, Ross, you are very much the kind of man who loves pontificating and playing the hero. Just admit that you’re feeling lazy today.
That night, Malfoy’s Slytherin crony burns down Drake’s barn. I distinctly hear a horse in distress, but am choosing to ignore the possibility that this dude just murdered Drake’s horse for no good reason.
I get enough violence against horses from Game of Thrones, thank you very much.
Because he’s a decent person who hasn’t yet learned that you can’t convince people to stop being pure evil by politely asking, Drake strolls over to Elizabeth’s to humbly request that her husband’s thugs maybe stop trying to kill him and his livelihood. While Elizabeth is in the middle of saying that Malfoy would never do such a thing, Malfoy storms in, threatens to have Drake physically thrown out, and flat-out admits to terrorizing Cornwall’s Nicest Person of the Year. Somehow, Elizabeth is surprised by this.
Outside, Drake continues to mind his business in the nicest way possible, when three Slytherin cronies accuse him of trespassing. They proceed to punch, stomp, and almost kick him to death, before dumping his body into a muddy ditch.
Back on Bunions and Corns Drive, Jennifer Lawrence is still blackmailing Gross Goblin by threatening to write the Bishop about the baby and the mole shaped like a pig’s tail on Gross Goblin’s butt.
Morwenna overhears everything and feels bummed that she’s not only married to trash, but related to it too.
Back in the muddy ditch, Demelza and Sam find Drake and rush him home. Doc is like, Woah, you almost died… again! Drake is too nice to say what he’s thinking:
Drake is also too nice to tell anyone the identities of his almost-murderers. Ughhhh, sometimes when they go low, we don’t have to go high, Michelle!
Sam agrees with me. He takes a break from memorizing the Bible to run to the bar and incite a riot with the help of Bone Maraca Pirate.
Over at Malfoy Manor, Elizabeth finally gets pissed about something Malfoy has done and threatens to end their marriage (this probably just means staying married but not talking to each other that much because it’s the 18th century). Being mean to Drake is akin to the high crime of kicking all the puppies. I’m glad Elizabeth can see that.
At Drake’s bedside, Mrs. Pigpen grabs Demelza to tell her she has a visitor. When Demelza resists, Mrs. Pigpen sermonizes: “How oft do the men take a fancy to a woman, and sometimes act on it?” Preach that Gospel!
Demelza declares that, since Ross gave up all thoughts of Elizabeth, she should do the same with Prison Bestie. Mrs. Pigpen, #TeamPrisonBestie co-captain (I’m the other one), replies: “Did he? You sure?”
Back at Ingrown Toe Nail Lane, Gross Goblin barges into Morwenna’s room and demands sex. But he quickly learns that the Old Morwenna can’t come to the phone right now. Why? ‘Cause she’s dead! The new Morwenna has had it. She tells him to get the F out of her room and never come back. When he unbuckles his belt and starts his rape routine, she threatens to murder their child.
Someone else who’s had it (for the zillionth time): Demelza. She finds Ross and tells him she knows about how he kissed Elizabeth all over her head. “I’m weary of it. Secret kisses, secret smiles. How many more secrets must there be between us? Keep them, Ross. Keep them all. And I will keep mine.”
Demelza walks home to find Prison Bestie waiting for her. She’s like, Hey, I got your little poem. Let’s do this.
They walk to the beach, where Prison Bestie reveals that, in six months, he will be completely blind. Demelza holds his hand (and the meter ticks up a notch from 97% to 98%).
Elsewhere, Ross gets a letter informing him that there is a threat in town. He runs off with his little neighborhood watch.
Back to the good stuff: Prison Bestie explains to Demelza that yes, he technically owes his life to Ross and it would be pretty messed up to sex up his wife, but having an affair would be so cool and poetic! Demelza isn’t so sure… until he puts his hand on her collarbone. 99%!
Then he says, “Shall we grant ourselves to each other, so I may go into the darkness knowing that I once tasted heaven?” *throws adultery meter out* Not even a real French invasion could stop this seduction at this point.
Demelza takes his hand and leads him into the grass!
They lie down!
He puts his hand on her knee!
She guides it up her skirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They get to it.
In more snooze-worthy news, Ross and his little militia are awaiting the supposed threat. It turns out to just be Sam and Bone Maraca Pirate’s riot. They want to raid Malfoy’s grain storage to feed the starving. Despite the fact that this kind of Robin Hood-ing is very much Ross’ brand, he threatens to shoot all of his poor friends and vows to defend the interests of the ruling class.
Sam is like, Bro, WTF! You love poor people! Let us eat. Ross warns that they have until the count of 10 to leave.
Bone Maraca defiantly says, “Or what?” Ross’ militia load and point their rifles.
Ross barks that they leave him no choice. Bone Maraca Pirate starts counting for him because he’s a bad ass.
When Bone Maraca Pirate gets to 10, Ross has a flashback of the guillotine and pictures all his friends getting shot, so he announces that he still cares about poor people and will run for Parliament at some point to advocate for their right not to starve to death. That’s cute and all, but these people are starving right now, and you just randomly pulled a bunch of guns on them. We’re supposed to just forgive and forget that?
Apparently so. Bone Maraca Pirate and the other rioters react like this:
Sidenote: Et tu, Doc? You still have firing squad PTSD and now you’ve joined one? I thought you were better than this. Consider your Horace the Pug petting privileges REVOKED!
Across town, Elizabeth wins an Oscar for Best Actress in a Loveless Marriage by putting on a big show of leaving Malfoy unless he swears on a Bible that he’ll never bring up Valentine obviously being her ex’s baby. Malfoy sobs and does as she asks. It’s pretty awesome to see the twerp cry, but, in this situation, I’m #TeamNobody.
Upon returning from almost killing a bunch of his friends, Ross can’t find Demelza anywhere. Mrs. Pigpen feels really bad for drunkenly stirring the pot so hard earlier, and tells him Demelza went off with “a visitor” and might not come back.
While desperately looking for Demelza, Ross instead finds Malfoy, who doesn’t waste a moment gloating about how loyal his wife and how promising his government career are. All together now:
Over on Foot-in-Mouth Avenue, Morwenna hears a knock at the door and opens it to find a bouquet of flowers. She walks outside and says, “Wherever you are, know that I love you.” A beat-up Drake, hiding behind the front gate, breaks down. Morwenna does too. I’m not crying, you are!
That night, Ross lies in bed alone, thinking about what a crappy husband he’s been and how embarrassing it’s going to be when Demelza drags him on her new single:
Ross’ thoughts are interrupted by a returning Demelza.
Ross: “I thought you might not return.”
Demelza: “I thought so too. And here I am.”
They lie beside each other, both sad and regretful.
Ross: “Demelza, may I ask…”
Demelza: “No, Ross. Ask me nothing.”
They look at each other through their shared pain. Ross holds her into the night and whatever comes next.
Since the season is over, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Gross Goblin, Malfoy, Slytherin Crony, Jennifer Lawrence. I hope their birthday parties get cancelled and they all die. 🙂
HONORABLE MENTION: Sam. Congrats to him for finally taking a break from judging people for kissing to do something productive.
BRONZE: Bone Maraca Pirate. Now that Agatha’s gone, B.M.P. has taken over the role of the delightful smack-talking alcoholic elder. I’m into it.
SILVER: Morwenna and Drake. Giving them a fake medal is the least I can do for the year they’ve had. Idea for next season: They stop taking crap from people and go on a Kill Bill-style revenge rampage.
GOLD: Demelza. She finally had enough of being an afterthought / doormat and did something purely for herself for once. I’m sure some of the fandom will judge her harsher than they judged Ross when he cheated (#sexism #patriarchy), but I stand with Demelza.
That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until next year! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or relive all my other Poldark recaps below!
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