The Wisdom of JoJo Siwa, the 14-Year-Old Megastar You Didn't Know Was a Megastar

If you are not a small child (or the parent of one), there is a good chance that you have absolutely no idea who JoJo Siwa is. While you haven't been watching, this 14-year-old All American Girl from Omaha, Nebraska is quietly creeping into every facet of the nation's pop culture landscape. JoJo has a bananas amount of crap going on, so, by way of introduction, here's a compact list of things that JoJo is famous for:

1. Being on unnecessarily shouty Lifetime shows like Dance Moms and Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition:

2. A YouTube show titled JoJo's Juice (which has over 4 million subscribers), in which she does things like this:

3. Having a music career. At the time of writing, the video for "Boomerang" has 364,491,186 views. In it, JoJo successfully manages to rhyme the word "boomerang" with "say," which is, inarguably, a remarkable feat:

4. A Nickelodeon special titled JoJo Siwa: My World:

5. Having a huge line of brightly-colored merchandise, including oversized hair bows (items JoJo refers to as her "superpower," which makes no sense at all, but cool), key rings, costumes, socks, games, pencil cases, bedspreads, blankets, T-shirts, pajamas, gloves, and hats, all sold at nationwide stores including Target, Walmart and Claire's:

JoJo's latest step towards world domination is a book titled JoJo's Guide to the Sweet Life (which came out October 3 through Amulet Books). The press release accompanying the hardback describes it as "a nonfiction middle-grade memoir that inspires young girls to find the courage and confidence to go after their dreams."

JoJo herself has this to say (alarmingly fast and extremely loudly) about her first literary project:

Here then is the wisdom of JoJo Siwa—a child who is undoubtedly much, much wealthier than the vast majority of us—broken down, chapter by chapter. Let us bask in her all-powerful truth nuggets.

Chapter 1: "Rolo-s for Being a Siwanator #Siwanatorz Rule"

"Being a Siwanator [nickname for her fans] means being confident, positive and supportive of others. Sometimes it means building a wall around you—and I'm not talking about the kind you make with bricks. I'm talking about the imaginary kind that keeps the haters away."

#BuildThatWall.

Chapter 2: "Sugar Babies #TBT/ #FBF"

(Um, there's a really famous "adult arrangement" website with that exact same name—minus hashtags, obviously—and I can't believe no one spotted this in the editing process.)

In this chapter, JoJo uses types of candy to pinpoint what kind of personality you have. Example: "Almond Joy: You're a little quirky, and proud of it! You're a leader and stand out from the pack."

#Deep.

Chapter 3: "My Peeps #FamilyMatters"

"One time when I was really little, I tagged along with my dad to the gym. I went on the treadmill and because I didn't really know how to work it, I started going super fast and I fell. I was terrified. When my dad realized what was happening, he came to my rescue."

#Metaphors

Chapter 4: "Dreamsicle #KeepingItCool"

"Even if it's not your day in one particular way, find a way to make it great! Say you don't win at a tennis match—shake it off and hang out with your friends! Have fun! At the end of every day, I ask myself, 'If today was my last day, would I be happy with how I spent it?' And if my answer is no, I do something to fix that!"

#Death

Chapter 5: "Life Savers #WhenLifeThrowsACurveball"

"I'm also really loyal to the things I commit to. So for example, my four ponytail holders: I wear the same exact four ponytail holders every day of my life: pink, yellow, orange, and lime green. But even though I'm so loyal—trust me when I say this—I have fun trying new things!"

#YOLO

Chapter 6: "Nerds & Smarties #Bookwormz"

"I'm not saying I'm a rocket scientist (though that would be awesome) or that I'm any better than all my brilliant and talented friends. What makes me different is that I'm proud of my intelligence and not afraid to say it! Hence why I'm writing a book! (Why are people so afraid to admit it's fun to read?)"

#Feminism

Chapter 7: "Kit-Kat #GimmeABreak(Through)"

"When I say 'Know yourself, know your name,' I don't mean, 'Know your name is JoJo Siwa.' I mean, know what it means to be you. I know that being JoJo Siwa means I like to dance and act and wear my hair in a side ponytail. I know what I love and what I hate."

#PonytailPhilosophy

Chapter 8: "Laffy Taffy #JoJoJokes"

"A lot of times with scary things, you might want to mix it up with comedy to keep you from being too frightened."

#ScaryMovieFranchiseExplained

Chapter 9: "Sour Patch Kids #PeaceOutHaterz"

"'They hate me!' I said. 'Why do they hate me?'
'Because they're haters,' said my mom."

#Wisdom

Chapter 10: "Good & Plenty #FriendsAreEverywhere"

"Let's say they're singing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper—I know it too, because I love the 1980s! My theory is that I was actually born in the eighties and the government transplanted me to present day. Just check out the way I dress if you need proof."

#TheTruthIsOutThere

Chapter 11: "Kinder Surprise #CalmCoolCollected"

"I remember the very first time we went on the bus: My mom and I saw that all the other girls had MacBooks—but I didn't. When I got my first paycheck for the show, though, we made a trip to Best Buy—it was a reward for all my hard work!"

#KeepUpWithTheJoneses

Chapter 12: "Gobstopper #Can'tStopWontStop"

"Even though we'd just met, I could tell Caryn believed in my talent. I liked her right away."

#Surprising

Chapter 13: "Starburst #LuckyCharmedLife"

"If you like smooth peanut butter, try crunchy peanut butter! Who knows, it could change your life."

#Enlightenment

Congratulations. You now have all the necessary tools for world domination.