Picture it: the charming municipality of Bristol, England. A postgraduate student we’ll call Pete and an amateur gymnast we’ll call Pam meet for the very first time. Thanks to both successfully swiping right on Tinder, they are enjoying a meal at popular British chain restaurant, Nando’s. After they eat their peri-peri chicken, they decide to take things back to Pete’s place. Everything is going swimmingly. That is until Pam needs to use the bathroom.
Let’s digress for a moment to ponder the fact that one of the greatest essays ever written by David Sedaris concerns poop. It was called “Big Boy” and was about an unfortunate incident that took place one Easter Sunday at a friend’s house. Sedaris was attending a party, at which someone had failed to effectively flush. Not wishing to be the person blamed for the horrifying toilet specimen, the task landed on dear David’s shoulders to rid the bathroom of what he called “the biggest piece of work I have ever seen in my life.”
“At an early age,” Sedaris wrote, “my mother had sat me down and explained that everyone has bowel movements. ‘Everyone,’ she’d said. ‘Even the president and his wife.’ She’d mentioned our neighbors, the priest, and several of the actors we saw each week on television. I’d gotten the overall picture, but, natural or not, there was no way I was going to take the rap for this one.”
I bring Sedaris’ relatable social dilemma up as a way to explain why Pam — yes, we’re back in Bristol now, on the Tinder date — took the drastic step of attempting to throw her own poop out of Pete’s bathroom window, when she was unable to effectively flush it. What poor Pam did not know was that Pete’s bathroom was in possession of a weird window situation. A double glazing window had been fitted in front of the home’s original window, leaving a sizable gap between the two.
What this meant was that Pam hadn’t thrown her poop out the window at all — she’d merely thrown it between the two window panes. Unable to retrieve it alone, she called on Pete to assist her.
Let’s pause for a moment and imagine how mortifying that must have been for Pam. We’re so sorry this happened to you, Pam. Truly, our hearts go out to you.
Pete, in what was a very noble and chivalrous move, decided it would be best for all concerned if he just smashed the window to retrieve Pam’s poop. Pam, no doubt mortified at the expense Pete would incur, decided instead to attempt to reach it herself, which is how she got stuck like this:
After 15 minutes of attempting to remove Pam from the window from hell, Pete had no choice but to call the fire department, which of course he also documented:
Poor Pam was retrieved and survived her ordeal, but the same could not be said for Pete’s window. This entire story just came to light because of the GoFundMe he set up to raise funds for the window replacement.
Happily, Pete has well-exceeded his £200 goal and has so far raised £705, which is great news because, proving yet again what a gentleman he is, Pete is donating any leftover money raised by the fund. The chosen recipients? A fire service charity and Toilet Twinning, which, in Pete’s words is: “a charity building and maintaining flushing toilets in the developing world. 60% of people worldwide don’t have access to a flushing toilet, which, when you think about it, really is pretty shit.”
No word on whether Pam and Pete are an official item now, but after this kind of first date, the only way is up.