It’s the most wonderful time of the year! No, not the holiday season, but the beginning of a new RuPaul’s Drag Race season! The trailer for the show’s ninth season dropped this morning, which means it’s time to overanalyze all 34 seconds of it through a live blog! Follow me…
0:01 — We have a premiere date! March 24, 2017! Don’t expect to hear from any gays in your life from 8pm to 9pm on that day.
0:02 — A queen erupts out of a blast of fire and glitter. She looks great, but is wearing green, which avid watchers of the show know spells doom.
0:03 — The past few months have been filled with so much bad news that it’s nice to take a moment every time something good happens. Let these words sink in:
0:04 — RuPaul isn’t wearing those ugly oversized hats this season! Yay!
0:05 — The contestants are as jazzed about this as I am.
0:06 — Someone went through Sailor Neptune’s laundry and she’s not pleased:
0:08 — Drain-the-swamp lily pad realness!
0:10 — Surprise! The show is leaving Logo, the marginally-relevant LGBT cable network, for VH1, the not-relevant-since-Behind-the-Music-and-Pop-Up-Video network. That leaves Logo with Golden Girls reruns and not much else. R.I.P.
0:11 — Looks like Mama Ru is still a huge fan of Season 7 winner Violet.
And how could you not be after witnessing all of this drag magic?
0:12 — The show is now on Fridays, which I momentarily got angry about (I have a life, RuPaul!), before remembering that I’m old now and celebrate TGIF by staying home.
0:16 — This queen tries to eradicate “I’m not here to make friends” from reality TV in favor of this Big Freedia paraphrase: “I didn’t come to play; I came to slay.” I support it.
0:17 — If Cindy McCain and the wink-with-your-tongue-out emoji had a baby drag queen.
0:18 — Gays on Tumblr start thirsting in 3, 2, 1…
0:19 — If all that incest the royals partake in resulted — not in a club foot — but the birth of an evil strawberry.
0:20 — The Gay Agenda has infiltrated the Lollipop Guild. Is nothing sacred?!
0:22 — A Pearl lookalike contest with a dash of appreciation for Magnolia Crawford’s pointy nose contour.
0:26 — Known for consistently hosting D-list celebrity judges (hi, LaToya Jackson!), the show appears to have secured a few extra coins from VH1 this year. The producers naturally spent it on booking Lady Gaga because no one has ever stanned themselves to death on television before.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see how this turns out.
RuPaul’s Drag Race premieres its ninth season on March 24, 2017 at 8pm on VH1.