This piece was inspired by an episode of The Cooler, KQED’s weekly pop culture podcast. Give it a listen!
Uncertainty has been the only thing certain in recent months. Checking to see if a headline is real or a joke from The Onion has become a daily practice. Gone are the days when we could correctly assume how things might turn out. Or are they?
Nikki, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars, believes she already knows what’s coming. Last year, I shared 10 of her most amusing predictions. They included:
A new head at Mt. Rushmore:
A monkey breaking into the White House:
Kim and Kanye having a baby named Kristal South:
And a pet parrot killing a movie star:
Did any of these come true?
But she was right about a few things. She correctly predicted that Prince, Muhammad Ali, and Fidel Castro would die; One Direction would break up; and Brangelina would consciously uncouple. And in 2013, her hunch that a man would be bitten to death by a beaver in Belarus did come to pass.
So what does Nikki see around the river bend? Bring a few grains of salt and behold:
- What does late night TV need more of? You might be thinking women, people of color, younger people, anyone who isn’t a 40+ straight white male. Well, you aren’t going to get any of that. What you will supposedly get is a late night talk show by Bernie Sanders. Based on this photo of me photobombing the Vermont Senator, I think I’m in the running to his Andy Richter-esque sidekick:
- President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau are in supposed danger. And to that I say, dear 2017:
- An impeachment of a U.S. politician is coming. Huh. I wonder who that could possibly be about. Maybe this guy?
- A vacuum cleaner will murder someone. Roomba’s Revenge! It’ll murder you and then clean up the crime scene!
- A dog with glasses will become a school teacher. Maybe Air Bud is bored of basketball?
- A Washington politician will strip naked after getting drunk. To quote Valerie Cherish, “Note to self, after a long day at work, I don’t wanna see that!” (…unless it’s Barack).
- Bad news for me and other Bay Area denizens. The Golden Gate Bridge will be partly destroyed, a gigantic earthquake will hit, as will a meteor. It’s been real, y’all.
- A robot will break into the White House. My money is on Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder.
- Alec Baldwin will run for political office.
- 2017 is going to be a big year for Drake, who will star in a Western, buy a sports team, direct a movie, get into a real relationship and have a child. Must be a morning person to get all that done in the next 11 and a half months.
- Justin Bieber will also father a child.
- Pamela Anderson will get bitten by a wild animal.
- A monkey, perhaps the animal that plans on biting Pam, will pull Jimmy Kimmel’s hair out on his show. But he will be OK.
- If you thought the dissolution of Angelina and Brad was hard on your spirit, get ready ’cause all of these breakups are allegedly coming:
Amal and George Clooney, Julia Roberts and her hot cinematographer husband (I determined his hotness by Googling his name and the term “beach”), Kim and Kanye, Ellen and Portia, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, David and Victoria Beckham, Eva Mendez and Ryan Gosling, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Barbara Streisand and James Brolin, Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, and Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. So either love is dead or this psychic is bad at her job and/or hates celebrities. It’s 50/50.
I think that’s enough prophecy for one sitting, but if you’re still craving more bonkers predictions, give this episode of The Cooler a listen!