Will Our Next President Be Hillary or Trump? Astrologers Think They Know

This piece was inspired by an episode of The Cooler, KQED’s weekly pop culture podcast. Give it a listen!

Most election cycles are weird, stressful times to be alive, but the unpredictable 2016 contest has been even weirder and more stressful than usual. Americans -- and probably most citizens of the world in general -- are pretty anxious about what’s going to happen on November 8, 2016. So how do we deal with all the unsettling uncertainty over the next few months? Here are a few options:

A. Keep your mind off of all the drama by going outside, enjoying a hobby (maybe take up crocheting?), enjoying a nice chilled drink, hanging out with friends, or watching all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls.

B. Rant on Facebook and engage in fights with all the people you went to high school with. (This approach is a favorite of many, as your FB news feed can surely attest.)

C. Find potential answers by watching weird, super long YouTube videos of astrologers talking about how the planets and stars will affect our country’s future.

Because I don't feel like learning how to crochet and unfriended all the randos from high school eons ago,  I've chosen option C. I just finished watching over an hour of these astrology videos and I’m here to share what YouTube astrologers are saying about Bernie, Hillary and Donald.

Let’s start with a woman who calls herself The Uranian Astrologer. She's a nice white lady who intros some of her videos with explicit Snoop Dogg songs. The Uranian Astrologer contains multitudes, just like the rest of us.

According to her two-part series on our country's overall planetary vibe, the only times we’ve had these exact planetary transits have been during the American Revolution and leading up to the the Civil War.

Back in the American Revolution days, Pluto was all up in Capricorn. Similarly, Pluto entered Capricorn in 2008 (hey, Barack and Sasha and co!) and will reside there until 2025. You might be wondering: Uhhhh, what does any of that mean? I'll tell you!

Pluto is the planet of death and rebirth and will allegedly compel us to come to terms with ugly parts of our society by shoving these toxic elements into the light so that something new can emerge. In both American Revolution times and today, there is a frustration with the status quo and abuses of power. Through confronting these issues, the country’s soul has a chance to become free and transform. Cool! Thanks, Pluto! You're still a planet in my heart!

Pluto isn’t the only planet mixing things up. Neptune is currently in the beginning of a new cycle, which hasn’t been renewed since the years leading up to the Civil War. This is a time of destroying restrictive rules and boundaries to enable a downtrodden group to rise up. Again, very cool! Way to go, Neptune!

Now that we have a general lay of the land…or universe or whatever, let’s continue with a different astrologer by the name of Robert Phoenix. He stands in front of a really calming twinkle star background and has a really bold goatee. His expertise is digging into the individual star charts and he applied his method to the three most popular candidates.

Let's start with Bernie. According to Phoenix:

• Bernie will never be more popular than he is now. His chart is "electric right now!"

• Bernie is a Virgo, a sign that is known for intelligence, reliability, and modesty. But the two Virgo presidents we've had have been failures, in Phoenix's view. In case you're curious, those two are Taft, who allegedly got stuck in a bath tub, and Lyndon B. Johnson, who had to answer for the debacle in Vietnam.

• Saturn is conjunct (I don't know what that means either, so don't feel bad) with Uranus in Gemini, which might explain Bernie's Millennial allure. You see, Saturn is father time (a.k.a. old) and the conjunct business stands in for youth culture. Ergo, Bernie represents the merging of the old and the new!

• Bernie's Mars is in Aries. Mars in Aries equals red. Red equals communism. Noted communist Gorbachev also has his Mars in Aries. Coincidence? Maybe? Who knows!

• Bernie's rising sign is Scorpio. According to Phoenix, one should never underestimate a Scorpio rising. They're in it 'til the end, which explains why he refused to leave the race for so long. On the flip side, a Scorpio rising has never managed to become president.

Now let's see what's going on in Hillary's chart:

• Hillary is also a Scorpio rising. This explains why she too was a staunch opponent during the 2008 election, as well as the current one.

• One of Hillary's biggest thorns in her side during this campaign shows up in her chart. You see, her Uranus is squaring her moon. Uranus rules technology, the moon rules the home, the square represents conflict between the two . Hello, private mail server drama!

• Hillary's Pluto is in Capricorn within her second house, which represents material values. Phoenix takes this to mean that she will eventually be beholden to the plutocracy that's been giving her money.

• A common theme of Hillary's chart is surface and projection. Her Jupiter being in Sagittarius and her Pluto, Mars and Saturn all hanging out in her ninth house join to create a situation where the real Hillary is hidden from the general public.

Next up: Donald Trump.

• Trump is a Leo rising, which, according to Phoenix, has led him to believe he is here on Earth to play the role of a king. A challenge for people with this aspect is developing a healthy ego and learning to come from the heart.

• Similarly, Trump's Mars is in Leo in his twelfth house, which indicates a secret desire to be a sun god. Phoenix believes Trump's penthouse in Trump Tower, which is largely encased in gold, could be interpreted as a shrine to Apollo.

• There is "a conspiracy of Gemini" at the top of his natal chart. Gemini represents duality. When channeled in a positive way, this energy can manifest as someone being charming, flexible and quick-witted. But if channeled in a negative way, there's a risk of duplicity, inconsistency and untrustworthiness.

• Phoenix senses some possible trouble on the horizon for Trump. Retrograde Mars is square in his twelfth house, which represents hidden enemies. Phoenix advises that Trump watch his back.

And finally let’s figure out who is astrologically favored to win the election, based on the findings of Barbara Goldsmith, a nice white lady who unfortunately does not play Snoop tracks in her videos. She has a cool dry-erase board and colored markers though!

Goldsmith doesn't believe that analyzing aspects on November 8, 2016, in general, will precisely determine anything. “So I'm going to take a different tack here entirely, stepping out on a bit of a limb here, but why not? Uranus is in Aries!” Rock on, sister! Instead, she analyzed what will be happening planetarily right when the polls close, in connection with Hillary and Trump. Here's what she found:

Hillary Clinton's three main features of her chart -- Scorpio sun, Scorpio rising, Pisces moon -- are all feminine water signs. Trump's three main chart features -- Gemini sun, Sagittarius moon, Leo rising -- are all masculine.

So are the vibrational elements at 8pm on November 8, 2016 mostly feminine or masculine? At that point in time, the sun will be in Scorpio, the moon will be in Pisces and Cancer will be on the rise. All three aspects are feminine water signs, just like the signs that dominate Hillary's chart. Mars, the most masculine force in the universe, will be in Capricorn at that time, which is not a very macho place to be, and isn't connected to anything overtly masculine.

Translation: Donald might be using a wad of Benjamins to dry his tears very soon.

So there you have it! The future of America, through the eyes of YouTube astrologers! We can't be certain that any of this means anything, but one thing is for sure: thinking about planets and the zodiac beats bickering about politics on Facebook.

This piece was inspired by an episode of The Cooler. Listen for even more political astrology nuggets: