Last week, Mariah received her long-overdue Hollywood Walk of Fame star. Why does she deserve it? Oh, maybe because she wrote every song she’s released (minus the covers), has sold more than 200 million records worldwide, holds the title for most weeks at #1 (16) and has had 18 #1 singles (only the Beatles have more at 20). I could go on, but this post is already going to be super long so I won’t.
What better way to show appreciation for 25 years worth of artistic output than to watch every music video Mariah has produced (minus remixes and feature spots on other people’s songs because I have to eventually get back to my life)?
It took me two weeks, but I made it. Some takeaways: Mariah loves small animals, Christmas, singing in the rain, journaling, picking up children, getting revenge, playing evil brunettes, gesturing with her fingers, waving at the camera, and crying single tears for dramatic purposes.
The following is a ranking from worst to best, based on a not-so-scientific formula that factors in storyline, aesthetic and whether the video inspires me to throw up praise hands or not. This is not a judgment on the songs themselves so save your tweets.
Note: Some computers just couldn’t handle all this Mariah so look for page numbers at the bottom of the post to navigate through Mariah’s career.
So without further ado:
“Endless Love” feat. Luther Vandross (1994)
You know it’s bad when you start longing for Michael Bolton.
Highlight: Luther Vandross’ I’m-either-going-to-murder-or-have-sex-with-you eyes:
“Angels Cry” (2010)
Basically the same thing as the Luther Vandross video, but with a drenched Mariah and a newborn puppy!
Highlight: Is it even a question?
Concert videos are so lazy. Next.
Highlight: This champagne walk and talk is what Ariana Grande’s entire career is based on.
Mariah seethes on a beach. That’s kind of it.
Highlight: She’s not afraid to go there:
“I Want to Know What Love Is” (2009)
Mariah performs in a CGI baseball field, while super creepy extras look on.
Highlight: This child of the corn:
“Hero” and “Without You” (1993-4)
What did I just say about concert videos? These songs deserve so much more than this. Did her record label run out of money in 1993 or something? It’s cute to see some of the awestruck people in the audience, but zzzzz.
Highlight: This fan’s defeated reach for Mariah, perfectly timed to “No one reaches out a hand for you to hold:”
“Can’t Let Go” (1991)
This music video begins with hands opening to reveal a white rose. And that’s the most exciting thing that happens (other than the video ending). Next time you’re suffering from insomnia, use this as a sleep aid.
Highlight: Woomp, there it is:
“Almost Home” (2013)
This is essentially the same video as “Can’t Let Go,” 22 years later. Only, this time, there’s footage from a James Franco movie no one saw.
Highlight: Her hand choreography is unparalleled:
“Thank God I Found You” (1999)
If you must praise the lord in a song, at least do it with the Backstreet Boys.
Highlight: From now on, I’m only talking on the phone while reclining on the hood of a car:
“Love Takes Time” (1990)
“I don’t want to be here,” Mariah sings listlessly on a beach. And we don’t want to be here watching this uninspired video. You know it’s bad when the highlights are a phone that’s swinging off the hook and a silver locket being washed away by a bored wave.
Highlight: Pay phone drama! No word on whether it was outside of a Best Buy or not: