Some people tune in on Super Bowl Sunday for the halftime show. Others for the sport. And then there’s the crowd that is in it for the commercials. Somehow, for four hours every year, advertisers have been able to convince us not to talk or Instagram through the commercials and instead open ourselves up to laughing, cringing, but mostly crying at the stories they’ve cooked up. This year, Mindy Kaling walks through a car wash, Nationwide kills a kid to teach us a lesson, and Steve Buscemi becomes Jan Brady.

Most Likely to Make Everyone Stop Insisting They’re Not Feminists: Always: ‘#LikeAGirl

Do you know someone who says stuff like “We don’t need feminism anymore” or “I’m not a feminist”? If so, please send them this commercial that exposes how deep misogyny goes in our culture. Oh, and next time someone does say “throw like a girl,” show them this Sports Illustrated cover. Who run the world? Girls!

Most Likely to Make You Think of Your First Chat Room Boyfriend/Girlfriend: BMW i3: ‘Newfangled Idea’

More than 20 years ago, Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel were confounded by the @ sign and asked someone to explain what the hell the Internet was on live television. Now, they’re wondering what an emissions-free car is. This commercial doesn’t make me want to buy a car, but it does make me wonder where my first chat room boyfriend ended up. Maybe the same place as all those free AOL trial CDs?

Most Likely to Make You Paranoid Enough to Home School Your Kids: Nationwide: ‘Make Safe Happen’

Pardon my French, but wtf? You’re drinking a cold beer and enjoying your friends’ company and then Nationwide kills a kid. Party foul.

Most Likely to Make You Get a Twitter Account Just So You Can Ask Mindy Kaling to Be Your BFF: Nationwide, ‘Invisible Mindy’

If you don’t have time to watch the latest Mindy Project episode, just watch this instead. Mindy walks through a car wash, stuffs her face with mint ice cream the same way you do when you’re home alone, and tries to make out with Matt Damon. Jennifer Lawrence needs to do something kooky and relatable really quickly or she’s going to be dethroned as our favorite imaginary bestie.

Most Likely to Give You Nightmares When You Accidentally Fall Asleep During Savasana: Squarespace, ‘Om’

Jeff Bridges sits over sleeping people chanting Om and playing a meditation bowl. The start of a horror movie or a reminder that you should probably start going to yoga again (if you dare).

Most Likely to Make You Cancel Your Plans to Rewatch The Brady Bunch MovieSnickers: ‘The Brady Bunch’

Some intern over at Snickers headquarters probably went up to her boss and was like, “Hey, The Brady Bunch is having a major moment on Tumblr right now.” And the rest is advertising history, with Danny Trejo as Marcia and Steve Buscemi as Jan.

Most Likely to Make You Resolve to Take Fewer Selfies: T-Mobile, ‘#KimsDataStash’

Kim Kardashian is here to remind us that she still can’t act and that you probably take too many selfies and that you should never tell anyone you still watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and something about how your data plan sucks.

Most Likely to Bring Up Memories of Playing Goldeneye 007 on Nintendo 64: Kia: ‘The Perfect Getaway’

Pierce Brosnan plays off of his most famous role (no, not the run-by fruiting victim from Mrs. Doubtfire) in this James Bond-esque car ad. All the explosions and dangers will have you longing for your N64 controller in no time.

Most Likely to Make You Want to Rewatch Homeward Bound: Budweiser: ‘Lost Dog’

For the past couple of years, Budweiser has been using cute horses and puppies to pull at our heartstrings. You might think this strategy would stop working. You’d be wrong. In this year’s visit to the farm, a puppy finds himself far from home and must make a long trek back. Some wolf tries to cause trouble, but the puppy is rescued by the stable’s horses. Cheers!

Most Likely to Make You Wonder Whether Your Grandparents Still Have Sex: Fiat, ‘Little Blue Pill’

A horny, old Italian man drops his last Viagra pill out the window and it travels all over the village before plopping into the tank of a Fiat. The car then gets a boner. I wish I was making this up. R.I.P. Advertising/Art/All things sacred.

Super Bowl 2015: All the Commercials, Told through Superlatives 2 February,2015Emmanuel Hapsis

Author

Emmanuel Hapsis

Emmanuel Hapsis is the creator and editor of KQED Pop and also the host of The Cooler. He studied creative writing at University of Maryland and went on to receive his MFA in the field from California College of the Arts. In his free time, he sings his heart out at karaoke.

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