Dress Like the Girl Criminals in Spring Breakers

Here's the thing about Spring Breakers, the absurd, exploitative, manipulative, totally sick (in all possible ways), Harmony Korine movie that came out nationwide on March 22: even if you don't like it or think it's offensive, you will agree that it looks totally cool.

Yes, yes, yes, I understand that a constant stream of drugs and parties and beaches and sunsets and swimming pools and cologne and strip clubs and guns is not healthy or good. But after I saw Korine's first movie (which he wrote but didn't direct) Kids, back when I was actually a kid myself, as much as I fully agreed 12-year-olds shouldn't be allowed to run free around New York City giving each other AIDS, I also thought they were SO BAD ASS. Their outfits, their haircuts, their skateboards. I wanted to be them! Just without the AIDS and juvenile delinquency. And now I feel the same way! I can't wear booty shorts in public, much less bikinis every day, because I am a 30-year-old woman and I haven't had hind-parts smooth enough for that sort of behavior since I was roughly 11, and also this is San Francisco and I work in public media. That said, it doesn't mean I can't start planning my Spring Breakers "Halloween" (to be worn ASAP, for any reason) costume. Here is a breakdown of how you too can get the ultimate Crime-Spree-in-Florida look. Skrillex soundtrack not included.

1. The Perfect Ski Mask:

Whichever direction you decide to go with your Spring Breakers outfit (ultra authentic or more interpretive are the options here), you are going to need the iconic pink unicorn ski mask. Yes, it completely defeats the purpose of the ski mask for robbery when you all wear matching outfits and everyone knows it's you but whateves, you look so cute! This Etsy shop is capitalizing. Get yours before they're gone.

2. The Tiger Face Monokini:

As you can see, I am going for authenticity. The best criminal outfit involved this swimsuit, which I assumed was some sort of trillion dollar designer number. Nope! It's from Hot Topic! Available at your local mall for $7 on SALE. Except that it's sold out. Don't worry, though. I've started a Twitter campaign directed at Hot Topic:

In the event that Hot Topic doesn't get it together and make this suit available stat, here are some other, more interpretive choices:

4. Sweet Neon High Tops

Another unfortunate problem is the shoes that the girl rampagers wear. Are they Reebok Freestyles?

If so, why are these shoes not available for purchase ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET? There are these purple ones, but they aren't neon. We need neon. In different colors. My advice, if you don't have a pair of vintage Freestyles in your closet, is go with these expensive customize-able Nike high tops, as a nod to the Selena Gomez character who leaves before the gang gets really serious. Fancy shoes for a penniless young girl but who cares? They look so good!

5. Multi-color Manicure

Obviously you are going to get your nails done. Obviously they will be a very bright color. But want to take it to the next level? Paint one or two nails a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLOR. The kids are doing it. The sociopathic girl law breakers are doing it. You want to be real? You do it too.

6. Bleached Hair with Roots

This is where we separate the real Spring Breakers from the wannabe babies who call their grandmas and put a sweatshirt over their bikinis and take the bus home. Which one are you? A Christian youth or a hedonist? A brunette or a blonde? If you decide to fully commit to the costume, you're going to have to bleach your hair. But not too bleached. We need to see your roots, see you are kinda dirty after all. We don't want to get the feeling CARE or that you AREN'T hung over.

7. Guns

You're on your own here. I don't want to be responsible for anyone thinking your ironic automatic weapon is real. Maybe just stick with a hammer?

And there you have it. The perfect Spring Breakers Halloween/anytime costume. Let me know if you find a pair of those shoes!