A woman rejects a man's offer of flowers and candy.

Most of us have thought about the traits we desire most in a romantic partner, but what about the character flaws, beliefs or annoying habits that make for relationship non-starters? In this segment, we’re talking about petty deal breakers, those little non-negotiables that move people from a potential mate to someone you wouldn’t even date. What are your relationship deal breakers? Are you paired with someone despite their once fatal flaws? Tell us about it!

What’s Your Petty Deal Breaker in a Relationship? (KQED Arts)

Open Phones: Relationship Deal Breakers 14 February,2018Michael Krasny

Guests:
Gabe Meline, senior editor, KQED Arts
Bethany Marshall, psychoanalyst; marriage and family therapist; author, "Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away"

  • Vern

    Deal breakers include having herpes or other std, having an eating disorder, being a smoker, and taking religion seriously.

    • Olivia

      what do you mean by taking seriously? just curious

      • Vern

        Believing that there’s an invisible man in the sky, who is one part Harry potter and one part bigoted security guard.

        • William – SF

          But you’re fine with some place where all your loved ones will be with you, forever?

          • Vern

            Valhalla?

        • Kate

          Wait, you want to find a woman who both doesn’t believe in god AND voted for Trump. Wow narrow dating pool!

  • Randy Cook

    A girlfriend once offered the concept of letting new dates know you’re lesser traits and idiosyncrasies early on, so both parties can decide which of those traits is acceptable before you get too far into the relationship. My feeling is that love can transcend a lot, and even smooth some of the less desirable traits.

  • Bill_Woods

    … If you have radically differing ideas about tidiness, eliminate meals out and make the old car do for another few years so that you can have someone in to clean a couple of times a month. …
    Not all conflicts can be resolved this way, but a surprising number can. You should never, ever argue with your spouse about anything that could be solved with a proper application of money or ingenuity.

    https://www.bloomberg.com/view/articles/2018-01-30/megan-mcardle-s-12-rules-for-life

  • Kate

    If you voted for Trump, deal-breaker.

    • William – SF

      …and still believe that was a good decision. I once cast a vote for Ronald Reagan back when I was uninformed yet inclined to exercise my civic right. I have since forgiven myself. 😉

      • Kate

        Ok in 20 years, the Trump voter may be able to redeem himself. Today, NOPE. 😉

    • Vern

      You just eliminated all men whose jobs were outsourced and are pissed that the democrats have betrayed workers in favor of greedy corporations, which sems have done for 40 years now.

      In other words men who know the facts and live in the real world.

      • Kate

        Ha! No. There are plenty of men like that who did not vote for Trump.
        I am absolutely 100% OK with eliminating those men. If you’re willing to throw women under the bus and accept a man who is friendly with the neoKKK because you’re mad about your pay, I’m not interested.

        • Vern

          There is no evidence trump is a bigot. Making wild inflammatory claims about him is a deal breaker.

          • Kate

            Then we are in agreement, Vern. Hope you find a woman who is right for you, if that’s what you’re looking for.

    • Curious

      42% of women voted for Trump.

      • Kate

        And I wouldn’t date them either, what’s your point?

        • Curious

          I don’t think you can afford to be that picky.

          • Kate

            Insulting strangers on the internet is a deal breaker.

  • Jon Latimer

    First of all, is it just me, or are virtually all of these “deal breakers” directed towards men? 2nd, how about addressing the obvious elephant in the room: perhaps many people just have an unrealistic expectation (molded by a hypereal/idealized film and television culture) to expect to find a “perfect partner” that comes without quirks, differences, strings, compromises, or baggage?

    • Noelle

      yes! some of these things sound too petty.

    • Vern

      Fake eyebrows are a deal breaker.

  • Kate

    Back in the day when I used to do online dating, every man’s profile seemed to say “no fat chicks” “no smokers”
    I made my headline “I am fat and I smoke” and got so many replies I couldn’t respond to them all. I sometimes wonder how serious people are about these stated rules.

    • Noelle

      From what I’ve read, for online profiles men seem very specific about looks in a partner.

      • Kate

        Yes, but then those same men contact women who don’t fit their stringent guidelines.

      • Vern

        Men are also very weary of fake ads. Most ads are faker than the news. Many of the women don’t even exist.

        • Kate

          That reminds me also of how almost every man I met for a date was at least 3 inches shorter than he stated in his profile. It’s not just women who are lying on there. It always baffled me- did they think I wouldn’t notice that a guy who said he was 6 feet tall is shorter than me? And for the record, I didn’t care about the height, only the weird lie.

  • Nicholas Loza

    Chewing with your mouth open- Deal Breaker.

  • Robert Thomas

    People who say “blinders” when they mean “blinkers” – ick.

  • Robert Thomas

    There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
    All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
    All children who are up in dates, and floor you with ’em flat —
    All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
    And all third persons who on spoiling
    tête-á-têtes insist —

    I’ve got ’em in a list.

  • Curious

    Antifa or BLM member – deal breaker.

    • Kate

      What if someone is anti-fascist, but doesn’t have a membership card to “antifa” (and where can one get one of those anyway?)

      • Vern

        Calling trump a fascist is just ignorant, meanwhile it gives cover to the real fascist 1% and evil corporations who promote surveillance and TPP.

        • Kate

          I didn’t call Trump a fascist, but since you assumed that was what I meant, maybe there’s something to it.

      • Curious

        Antifa are fascists.

Host

Michael Krasny

Michael Krasny, PhD, has been in broadcast journalism since 1983. He was with ABC in both radio and television and migrated to public broadcasting in 1993. He has been Professor of English at San Francisco State University and also taught at Stanford, the University of San Francisco and the University of California, as well as in the Fulbright International Institutes. A veteran interviewer for the nationally broadcast City Arts and Lectures, he is the author of a number of books, including “Off Mike: A Memoir of Talk Radio and Literary Life” (Stanford University Press) “Spiritual Envy” (New World); “Sound Ideas” (with M.E. Sokolik/ McGraw-Hill); “Let There Be Laughter” (Harper-Collins) as well as the twenty-four lecture series in DVD, audio and book, “Short Story Masterpieces” (The Teaching Company). He has interviewed many of the world’s leading political, cultural, literary, science and technology figures, as well as major figures from the world of entertainment. He is the recipient of many awards and honors including the S.Y. Agnon Medal for Intellectual Achievement; The Eugene Block Award for Human Rights Journalism; the James Madison Freedom of Information Award; the Excellence in Journalism Award from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association; Career Achievement Award from the Society of Professional Journalists and an award from the Radio and Television News Directors Association. He holds a B.A. (cum laude) and M.A. from Ohio University and a PhD from the University of Wisconsin.

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