Say you’re going to tUnE-yArDs homecoming show in Oakland this week. Say you’re so enamored with the most Technicolor band on the West Coast that you want to sneak on stage and become part of the whole shebang. Who can blame you? Here are a few simple tips that’ll have you melding into the Oakland-based band’s stage-show as seamlessly as Paul Simon blended with Ladysmith Black Mambazo on Graceland.
To start, cover your eyebrows with thick gold, white or silver sparkling paint. Wear a lycra bodysuit, preferably with gold lamé sleeves and a jungle print. Disguise yourself as a puffy couch straight out of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and jiggle a little every time Merrill Garbus sings in a way that she probably learned in her college a cappella group.
Then, disguise yourself as a puppet and dance like Johnny Clegg. Steal a Keith Haring painting, slit some head and arm holes, stick it over your head and do a bunch of those dance moves you learned from that Fela Kuti video. Draw a gigantic eyeball on a blue sandwich board and do the same dance moves from the last tip. Set up an electronic drumpad and own it as the third drummer, and never ever forget, groove first. Dress all in white, do a few Martha Graham-inspired modern dance moves, making sure to pause for a menacing grimace.
All in all, have the best time ever and don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks. Oh, and most importantly, seeing as how the show also features Cibo Matto, make sure to be up on your songs about chickens and more chickens.
