I know, I know. Top Model's Miss J is confused, too:

The Intoxibellas are bestowed with magical powers like Seduksheeon (sex appeal), Multiplicity (ability to clone), Chameeleone (the power to transform), ThirtyNever (only living between the ages of 17 to 29, in a perpetual cycle) and Excite-to-Buy (turning people around you into shopaholics.)

Other things to note: Tookie's nemesis is named Zarpessa Zarionneaux, and her love interest is Bravo, a beautiful boy from Bestosterone who spent his childhood getting sexually harassed by older women. (Seriously.) At one point, Modelland turns into a prison for no reason and the models have to scale a wall to their own doom.

Sometimes lightning turns walls into two-way mirrors. And bras evaporate. And the models get attacked by hunchbacks, their own accessories and “pug-sized” monsters known as Tumble Terrors. When they go to the hospital, they are treated by doctors who have roller-skates for feet, and nurses with scissors on their heads. When they shower, dessert comes out instead of water. Sometimes, Tookie is friends with tree-dwelling dumpster divers. None of it makes any sense at all.

In order to assist Tyra in following the structure of the book faithfully in the construction of the park, I have come up with a number of suggestions for Modelland attractions. They are as follows:

A Cirque du Soleil show called EyepÀtches de la Creme
Fashion shows in which models are forced to outrun pugs
A botox station called ThirtyNever
Animatronic menses-predicting statues
A hall of two-way mirrors you may only escape after effectively following critiques from "Scouts" (These will include phrases like: "Walk like it's for sale and the rent is due tonight!" and "You walk like you're chewing gum between your legs!")
A golden brassiere-shaped roller coaster, inspired by the unforgettable text: "You begin your mornings staring at the fog, longing for the fateful evening when it will turn a golden yellow and then, finally, like a push-up brassiere, lift."
A musical hospital drama performed in a roller-rink, nightly
An escape room containing several hunchbacks
Whack-a-Zarpessa-Zarionneaux-Mole
A Cremalatta Defacake dessert truck
Photobooths that only work if you're smizing
Assault courses featuring hazardous walls, tree climbing and dumpsters on fire
Nurses running with scissors, around the park, on the hour, every hour, in no particular direction
A one-woman show by Cycle 12 runner-up, Allison Harvard, acting out Modelland in its entirety, in the cafeteria. (Just because her eyes would probably be very good at that, and you'd probably get hungry halfway through.)
An adults-only section called Bravo, Bestosterone! (Featuring "The Dance of the 7seven Intoxibellas" and an all-male troupe called "The Seduksheeon Dancers.")

If this theme park sounds loopy to you, just keep in mind that, when it comes to Tyra Banks, much crazier things have happened...

Like her dramatization of Modelland on ANTM:

Around that time, she recorded a single that sounded like a Destiny's Child knock off:

And, of course, there's this timeless TV moment:

And, oh yeah, Modelland, the book, went on to be a New York Times bestseller (!).

See you in Santa Monica, Tyra!

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