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He is a regular contributor to The Bold Italic and the San Francisco Chronicle's Style section.","avatar":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/dbf4e1ca0ae547c324ab218b5b01c466?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twitter":"velvetgoldminer","facebook":null,"instagram":null,"linkedin":null,"sites":[{"site":"pop","roles":["contributor"]}],"headData":{"title":"Tony Bravo | KQED","description":null,"ogImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/dbf4e1ca0ae547c324ab218b5b01c466?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/dbf4e1ca0ae547c324ab218b5b01c466?s=600&d=blank&r=g"},"isLoading":false,"link":"/author/tonybravo"},"ralexandra":{"type":"authors","id":"11242","meta":{"index":"authors_1591205172","id":"11242","found":true},"name":"Rae Alexandra","firstName":"Rae","lastName":"Alexandra","slug":"ralexandra","email":"ralexandra@kqed.org","display_author_email":false,"staff_mastheads":["arts"],"title":"Staff Writer","bio":"Rae Alexandra is Staff Writer for KQED Arts & Culture, and the creator/author of the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/program/rebel-girls-from-bay-area-history\">Rebel Girls From Bay Area History\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/bizarrebayarea\">Bizarre Bay Area\u003c/a> series. Born and raised in Wales, she started her career in London, as a music journalist for uproarious rock ’n’ roll magazine, \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kerrang.com/features/an-oral-history-of-alternative-tentacles-40-years-of-keeping-punk-alive/\">Kerrang!\u003c/a>\u003c/em>. In America, she got her start at alt-weeklies including \u003ca href=\"https://archives.sfweekly.com/sanfrancisco/ArticleArchives?author=2127078&excludeCategoryType=Blog\">\u003cem>SF Weekly\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and the \u003ca href=\"https://www.villagevoice.com/author/raealexandra/\">\u003cem>Village Voice\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, and freelanced for a great many other publications. Her undying love for San Francisco has, more recently, turned her into \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/tag/bayareahistory/\">a history nerd\u003c/a>. In 2023, Rae was awarded an SPJ Excellence in Journalism Award for Arts & Culture.","avatar":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/d5ef3d663d9adae1345d06932a3951de?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twitter":"raemondjjjj","facebook":null,"instagram":null,"linkedin":null,"sites":[{"site":"arts","roles":["editor"]},{"site":"news","roles":["editor"]},{"site":"pop","roles":["editor"]},{"site":"bayareabites","roles":["editor"]},{"site":"science","roles":["editor"]}],"headData":{"title":"Rae Alexandra | KQED","description":"Staff Writer","ogImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/d5ef3d663d9adae1345d06932a3951de?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/d5ef3d663d9adae1345d06932a3951de?s=600&d=blank&r=g"},"isLoading":false,"link":"/author/ralexandra"}},"breakingNewsReducer":{},"campaignFinanceReducer":{},"firebase":{"requesting":{},"requested":{},"timestamps":{},"data":{},"ordered":{},"auth":{"isLoaded":false,"isEmpty":true},"authError":null,"profile":{"isLoaded":false,"isEmpty":true},"listeners":{"byId":{},"allIds":[]},"isInitializing":false,"errors":[]},"navBarReducer":{"navBarId":"arts","fullView":true,"showPlayer":false},"navMenuReducer":{"menus":[{"key":"menu1","items":[{"name":"News","link":"/","type":"title"},{"name":"Politics","link":"/politics"},{"name":"Science","link":"/science"},{"name":"Education","link":"/educationnews"},{"name":"Housing","link":"/housing"},{"name":"Immigration","link":"/immigration"},{"name":"Criminal Justice","link":"/criminaljustice"},{"name":"Silicon Valley","link":"/siliconvalley"},{"name":"Forum","link":"/forum"},{"name":"The California Report","link":"/californiareport"}]},{"key":"menu2","items":[{"name":"Arts & Culture","link":"/arts","type":"title"},{"name":"Critics’ Picks","link":"/thedolist"},{"name":"Cultural Commentary","link":"/artscommentary"},{"name":"Food & Drink","link":"/food"},{"name":"Bay Area Hip-Hop","link":"/bayareahiphop"},{"name":"Rebel Girls","link":"/rebelgirls"},{"name":"Arts Video","link":"/artsvideos"}]},{"key":"menu3","items":[{"name":"Podcasts","link":"/podcasts","type":"title"},{"name":"Bay Curious","link":"/podcasts/baycurious"},{"name":"Rightnowish","link":"/podcasts/rightnowish"},{"name":"The Bay","link":"/podcasts/thebay"},{"name":"On Our Watch","link":"/podcasts/onourwatch"},{"name":"Mindshift","link":"/podcasts/mindshift"},{"name":"Consider This","link":"/podcasts/considerthis"},{"name":"Political Breakdown","link":"/podcasts/politicalbreakdown"}]},{"key":"menu4","items":[{"name":"Live Radio","link":"/radio","type":"title"},{"name":"TV","link":"/tv","type":"title"},{"name":"Events","link":"/events","type":"title"},{"name":"For Educators","link":"/education","type":"title"},{"name":"Support KQED","link":"/support","type":"title"},{"name":"About","link":"/about","type":"title"},{"name":"Help Center","link":"https://kqed-helpcenter.kqed.org/s","type":"title"}]}]},"pagesReducer":{},"postsReducer":{"stream_live":{"type":"live","id":"stream_live","audioUrl":"https://streams.kqed.org/kqedradio","title":"Live Stream","excerpt":"Live Stream information currently unavailable.","link":"/radio","featImg":"","label":{"name":"KQED Live","link":"/"}},"stream_kqedNewscast":{"type":"posts","id":"stream_kqedNewscast","audioUrl":"https://www.kqed.org/.stream/anon/radio/RDnews/newscast.mp3?_=1","title":"KQED Newscast","featImg":"","label":{"name":"88.5 FM","link":"/"}},"pop_109009":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_109009","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"109009","score":null,"sort":[1553020428000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-true-crime-helped-me-deal-with-a-real-life-monster","title":"How True Crime Helped Me Deal With a Real-Life Monster","publishDate":1553020428,"format":"standard","headTitle":"How True Crime Helped Me Deal With a Real-Life Monster | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>A few years ago, after 17 years of friendship, a man I adored and thought I knew very well was sentenced to three decades in prison for charges related to pedophilia. His case included acts on children so young, I hadn’t realized prior to his arrest that such crimes even existed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Due to there being a mountain of video evidence (he had recorded himself), he admitted his guilt on the first day of his trial, and it was over almost before it had begun. Selfishly, I felt relieved that none of us would have to hear the minutiae of everything he’d done, but, reeling and in a state of shock, I decided to read the judge’s sentencing remarks online. I thought they might provide some catharsis. Instead, even the cursory details wound up making me physically sick. The vomiting went on for days until my parents finally summoned me home. I don’t recall any other point in my adult life where I needed to be next to my mother so badly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid=arts_13893843]In the days and weeks that followed, there were long phone conversations with friends, as everyone tried to process the hows and the whens and the whys. At one point, my sister, in another country and not privy to the same news coverage, called me, convinced that he had been set up and somehow tricked into pleading guilty. “What must they have done to him?” she asked, audibly distressed. It was a testament to how good he had been at pretending to be someone else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a while, you have to stop talking about it. The need to move on becomes palpable. You don’t want to keep loudly dissecting the details in case it prevents other people from healing. So about a month in, still unable to reconcile the person I knew with the person in prison, and tired of going around in mental circles, I made the decision to tell myself he was dead. Doing so allowed me to mourn the friend I had lost—the person I thought he was, the inside jokes we shared, the teenage history—and put the whole thing behind me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Except it’s not really that easy. I was never actually convinced that the root cause of his criminality was a sexual attraction to children. He did not fit the \u003ca href=\"https://www.thoughtco.com/profile-of-pedophile-and-common-characteristics-973203\">classic profile\u003c/a> of a pedophile at all. He was outgoing with other adults, had a lot of friends and a steady stream of age-appropriate girlfriends, and was fiercely protective of his nieces and nephews. Compounding matters was the fact that it was a high-profile case; now and again, new stories about him would emerge. One summer, at a wedding, a stranger made a joke about him, unaware that I had known him. To this day, when people find out where I’m from, some of them ask if I ever met him in a manner that suggests he’s halfway to becoming an urban myth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The longer I tried to ignore it, the more my need to figure out why he did what he did increased. So I started researching in earnest. Books about psychopathy and psychology and mental illness. Checklists of various personality disorders to see which one made the most sense. I read papers written by criminal psychologists and, at one point, even consulted with one directly because she’d had a lot of experience treating pedophiles. There were breadcrumbs and clues, but a clear answer evaded me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then a colleague gave me a gift: \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stranger_Beside_Me\">\u003cem>The Stranger Beside Me\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by Ann Rule. Not only had Rule been good friends with Ted Bundy, she’d also been working in the police department during the manhunt to find him, so she wrote about it all in agonizing detail. Rule’s predicament was comfortingly familiar, and the way she described Bundy sounded a lot like my friend—charming, handsome, intelligent, vain, never lacking in female attention. The book was far and away the most helpful thing I had read so far. So I kept going.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next, I chose \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Somebodys-Husband-Son-Yorkshire-Ripper/dp/0571222838\">\u003cem>Somebody’s Husband, Somebody’s Son: The Story of the Yorkshire Ripper\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by Gordon Burn, because it focused not only on Peter Sutcliffe’s crimes but the relationships he had maintained with his family and friends too. Those closest to Sutcliffe suspected nothing at all, even as he murdered 13 women, right under their noses.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After that came \u003ca href=\"https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/103/1031837/killing-for-company/9781784759421.html\">\u003cem>Killing For Company\u003c/em>\u003c/a> about Dennis Nilsen, a mild-mannered civil servant who murdered, dissected and disposed of at least 12 men while living in the heart of London. I had a hard time putting Brian Masters’ book down and plowed through it in a matter of days. One of the final chapters offered me a real turning point. In it, Masters breaks down, in great detail, the personality traits of serial killers—and my friend had almost all of them, down to bizarrely specific details. I stayed up all night with a highlighter. Later on, someone quietly confessed that he believed our friend would have “definitely” killed someone if he hadn’t been caught when he was. When I agreed and told him about the details in \u003cem>Killing For Company\u003c/em>, he looked relieved that someone else shared this theory.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In recent months, I have had three separate people ask me why the media I consume is so dark in subject matter. It didn’t use to be. Now, every other book I read is about serial killers (my current choice is \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Fatal-Vision-True-Crime-Classic/dp/0451417941\">\u003cem>Fatal Vision\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, about Dr. Jeffrey McDonald who was imprisoned in 1979 for slaughtering his wife and children). When I watch TV and movies, I am mostly focused on true crime documentaries or dramatizations. (Lifetime’s \u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monster_in_My_Family\">Monster in My Family\u003c/a>\u003c/i> is a current favorite, thanks to the series’ process of putting the families of criminals in the same room as those of victims, allowing connections to take place). When I run out of episodes to stream, I find myself listening to the \u003ca href=\"https://casefilepodcast.com/\">Casefile\u003c/a> podcast.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid=arts_13939170]The only time I have any objection to consuming true crime \u003cem>anything\u003c/em> these days is when \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97139/is-americas-obsession-with-true-crime-re-writing-history\">lines of decency get crossed\u003c/a>. Allowing extended interviews with killers to air, for example—as \u003ca href=\"https://www.netflix.com/title/80226612\">\u003cem>The Ted Bundy Tapes\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.aetv.com/shows/the-menendez-murders\">\u003cem>The Menendez Murders: Erik Tells All\u003c/em>\u003c/a> recently did—is, to me, both an affront to victims and a reward to killers. I don’t want to hear anything those men have to say, any more than I want to read OJ Simpson’s universally despised book \u003cem>If I Did It\u003c/em>. Those narcissists don’t deserve the privilege to speak anymore, nor have they earned it. I know my old friend would jump at the chance to have something similar made about him, and I would aggressively object should the occasion arise.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the end, true crime has provided me with answers I simply couldn’t find elsewhere. (I now believe \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder\">narcissistic personality disorder\u003c/a> played a major role in this case.) It has allowed me to make sense of how none of his friends had even the slightest inkling he was harming children. (Turns out, almost no one ever does in these situations.) And it has taken my chaotic, swirling thoughts and replaced them with a degree of calm and clarity I once presumed unachievable. My monster is no longer lurking in the corner. I’ve locked him in a vault, right there with everyone else’s. Now, finally, I can let him go once and for all.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"What do you do when your loved one has committed the most heinous of deeds? True crime can probably tell you. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1702326512,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":14,"wordCount":1305},"headData":{"title":"How True Crime Helped Me Deal With a Real-Life Monster | KQED","description":"What do you do when your loved one has committed the most heinous of deeds? True crime can probably tell you. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"How True Crime Helped Me Deal With a Real-Life Monster","datePublished":"2019-03-19T18:33:48.000Z","dateModified":"2023-12-11T20:28:32.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"sticky":false,"templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","articleAge":"0","path":"/pop/109009/how-true-crime-helped-me-deal-with-a-real-life-monster","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>A few years ago, after 17 years of friendship, a man I adored and thought I knew very well was sentenced to three decades in prison for charges related to pedophilia. His case included acts on children so young, I hadn’t realized prior to his arrest that such crimes even existed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Due to there being a mountain of video evidence (he had recorded himself), he admitted his guilt on the first day of his trial, and it was over almost before it had begun. Selfishly, I felt relieved that none of us would have to hear the minutiae of everything he’d done, but, reeling and in a state of shock, I decided to read the judge’s sentencing remarks online. I thought they might provide some catharsis. Instead, even the cursory details wound up making me physically sick. The vomiting went on for days until my parents finally summoned me home. I don’t recall any other point in my adult life where I needed to be next to my mother so badly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13893843","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>In the days and weeks that followed, there were long phone conversations with friends, as everyone tried to process the hows and the whens and the whys. At one point, my sister, in another country and not privy to the same news coverage, called me, convinced that he had been set up and somehow tricked into pleading guilty. “What must they have done to him?” she asked, audibly distressed. It was a testament to how good he had been at pretending to be someone else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a while, you have to stop talking about it. The need to move on becomes palpable. You don’t want to keep loudly dissecting the details in case it prevents other people from healing. So about a month in, still unable to reconcile the person I knew with the person in prison, and tired of going around in mental circles, I made the decision to tell myself he was dead. Doing so allowed me to mourn the friend I had lost—the person I thought he was, the inside jokes we shared, the teenage history—and put the whole thing behind me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Except it’s not really that easy. I was never actually convinced that the root cause of his criminality was a sexual attraction to children. He did not fit the \u003ca href=\"https://www.thoughtco.com/profile-of-pedophile-and-common-characteristics-973203\">classic profile\u003c/a> of a pedophile at all. He was outgoing with other adults, had a lot of friends and a steady stream of age-appropriate girlfriends, and was fiercely protective of his nieces and nephews. Compounding matters was the fact that it was a high-profile case; now and again, new stories about him would emerge. One summer, at a wedding, a stranger made a joke about him, unaware that I had known him. To this day, when people find out where I’m from, some of them ask if I ever met him in a manner that suggests he’s halfway to becoming an urban myth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The longer I tried to ignore it, the more my need to figure out why he did what he did increased. So I started researching in earnest. Books about psychopathy and psychology and mental illness. Checklists of various personality disorders to see which one made the most sense. I read papers written by criminal psychologists and, at one point, even consulted with one directly because she’d had a lot of experience treating pedophiles. There were breadcrumbs and clues, but a clear answer evaded me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then a colleague gave me a gift: \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stranger_Beside_Me\">\u003cem>The Stranger Beside Me\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by Ann Rule. Not only had Rule been good friends with Ted Bundy, she’d also been working in the police department during the manhunt to find him, so she wrote about it all in agonizing detail. Rule’s predicament was comfortingly familiar, and the way she described Bundy sounded a lot like my friend—charming, handsome, intelligent, vain, never lacking in female attention. The book was far and away the most helpful thing I had read so far. So I kept going.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Next, I chose \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Somebodys-Husband-Son-Yorkshire-Ripper/dp/0571222838\">\u003cem>Somebody’s Husband, Somebody’s Son: The Story of the Yorkshire Ripper\u003c/em>\u003c/a> by Gordon Burn, because it focused not only on Peter Sutcliffe’s crimes but the relationships he had maintained with his family and friends too. Those closest to Sutcliffe suspected nothing at all, even as he murdered 13 women, right under their noses.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After that came \u003ca href=\"https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/103/1031837/killing-for-company/9781784759421.html\">\u003cem>Killing For Company\u003c/em>\u003c/a> about Dennis Nilsen, a mild-mannered civil servant who murdered, dissected and disposed of at least 12 men while living in the heart of London. I had a hard time putting Brian Masters’ book down and plowed through it in a matter of days. One of the final chapters offered me a real turning point. In it, Masters breaks down, in great detail, the personality traits of serial killers—and my friend had almost all of them, down to bizarrely specific details. I stayed up all night with a highlighter. Later on, someone quietly confessed that he believed our friend would have “definitely” killed someone if he hadn’t been caught when he was. When I agreed and told him about the details in \u003cem>Killing For Company\u003c/em>, he looked relieved that someone else shared this theory.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In recent months, I have had three separate people ask me why the media I consume is so dark in subject matter. It didn’t use to be. Now, every other book I read is about serial killers (my current choice is \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Fatal-Vision-True-Crime-Classic/dp/0451417941\">\u003cem>Fatal Vision\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, about Dr. Jeffrey McDonald who was imprisoned in 1979 for slaughtering his wife and children). When I watch TV and movies, I am mostly focused on true crime documentaries or dramatizations. (Lifetime’s \u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monster_in_My_Family\">Monster in My Family\u003c/a>\u003c/i> is a current favorite, thanks to the series’ process of putting the families of criminals in the same room as those of victims, allowing connections to take place). When I run out of episodes to stream, I find myself listening to the \u003ca href=\"https://casefilepodcast.com/\">Casefile\u003c/a> podcast.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13939170","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>The only time I have any objection to consuming true crime \u003cem>anything\u003c/em> these days is when \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97139/is-americas-obsession-with-true-crime-re-writing-history\">lines of decency get crossed\u003c/a>. Allowing extended interviews with killers to air, for example—as \u003ca href=\"https://www.netflix.com/title/80226612\">\u003cem>The Ted Bundy Tapes\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.aetv.com/shows/the-menendez-murders\">\u003cem>The Menendez Murders: Erik Tells All\u003c/em>\u003c/a> recently did—is, to me, both an affront to victims and a reward to killers. I don’t want to hear anything those men have to say, any more than I want to read OJ Simpson’s universally despised book \u003cem>If I Did It\u003c/em>. Those narcissists don’t deserve the privilege to speak anymore, nor have they earned it. I know my old friend would jump at the chance to have something similar made about him, and I would aggressively object should the occasion arise.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the end, true crime has provided me with answers I simply couldn’t find elsewhere. (I now believe \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder\">narcissistic personality disorder\u003c/a> played a major role in this case.) It has allowed me to make sense of how none of his friends had even the slightest inkling he was harming children. (Turns out, almost no one ever does in these situations.) And it has taken my chaotic, swirling thoughts and replaced them with a degree of calm and clarity I once presumed unachievable. My monster is no longer lurking in the corner. I’ve locked him in a vault, right there with everyone else’s. Now, finally, I can let him go once and for all.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/109009/how-true-crime-helped-me-deal-with-a-real-life-monster","authors":["11242"],"categories":["pop_1548","pop_51","pop_3"],"tags":["pop_3426","pop_3325","pop_3341","pop_1136","pop_3435","pop_3097"],"featImg":"pop_110443","label":"pop"},"pop_98736":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_98736","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"98736","score":null,"sort":[1522790570000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"be-afraid-lifetime-is-the-most-brutal-channel-on-tv","title":"Be Afraid: Lifetime is the Most Brutal Channel on TV","publishDate":1522790570,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>When you think of mature content on television, there are a few usual suspects that spring to mind. HBO is one, thanks to \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0944947/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and a long history of gritty crime dramas. FX is another, thanks to violent movies in the middle of the day and the frequently shocking \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1844624/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>American Horror Story\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. Then there's AMC -- remember that time on \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1520211/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>The Walking Dead\u003c/em>\u003c/a> when \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIWLyvhuoM\">Bob woke up next to a bonfire to find a group of hipsters eating his leg\u003c/a> like it was s'mores? Yeah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Probably the last thing that springs to mind when you think of rampant violence on television is Lifetime, a channel that at one time felt like a supermarket romance novel in visual form. You might be laboring under the idea that that's what Lifetime still is, but I recently discovered how much sheer, gasp-worthy brutality is all over this thing. Based on my recent viewing habits, I am pretty sure there are more graphic descriptions of rape and torture on this channel than any other currently in existence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For a long time, I went to Lifetime for two things and two things only: \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437741/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2076610/episodes?season=6&ref_=tt_eps_sn_6\">\u003cem>Project Runway All Stars,\u003c/em>\u003c/a> making sure to switch immediately back to my regular viewing habits as soon as Heidi said \"Auf wiedersehen!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That all changed one Thursday night a few weeks ago, after I watched a three-episode block of the newest \u003cem>All Stars\u003c/em> season (I was rooting for you, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/31419/women-to-watch-candice-cuoco\">Candace Cuoco\u003c/a>!), then promptly went to bed. The next day, when I turned the TV back on, it was still tuned to Lifetime. And before I could grab the remote and change the channel, some dude had appeared on screen describing, in alarming detail, the day he had both of his arms ripped off (completely off!) in a farming accident. \"What the hell is \u003cem>this\u003c/em>?\" I asked my dog, before promptly flopping down on the couch and watching three full hours of the most horrifying and compelling reality show in the history of television,\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1084694/?ref_=nv_sr_1\"> \u003cem>I Survived\u003c/em>...\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzBzepyu9os\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I Survived...\u003c/em> is low budget, simple, and astoundingly well-edited. For the uninitiated, this is a show that typically involves three separate people talking about an accident or attack that almost killed them. These incidents run the gamut from abductions and violent home invasions, to getting attacked by mountain lions or falling into ravines. I am not exaggerating when I say that this is some of the scariest television you will ever watch. Oh, and it should definitely come with about 400 trigger warnings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite the jaw-dropping amount of distress involved, \u003cem>I Survived... \u003c/em>ends up being somehow both inspiring \u003cem>and\u003c/em> a guidebook of sorts about what to do in the most horrendous life-and-death situations imaginable. For example, here are just some of the handy things the show has taught me: if you get bitten by a rattlesnake, you might want to do some bloodletting; don't touch anyone while they're getting electrocuted; never go into the woods without a knife; and if your house is about to get destroyed by a natural disaster, putting on a bicycle helmet won't hurt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Astonishingly, I soon discovered that \u003cem>I Survived...\u003c/em> had a spin-off about the afterlife. Seriously. \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2134245/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>I Survived... Beyond and Back\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> \u003c/em>follows the same formula as the original, only it features people who literally died, saw some crazy shit, and came back with stories to tell. Hear that everyone? Even if you die, there is hope!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I Survived... Beyond and Back\u003c/em> isn't all white light, dead relatives, and bliss (though truthfully, there is \u003cem>a lot\u003c/em> of that). One lady described meeting aliens who treat the fate of humans like a board game! \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FehcSO5YNUI\">Another dude described going to actual hell! And meeting Satan!\u003c/a> Needless to say, he was relieved to come back to life. \"I was the happiest, fresh-out-of-a-coma man ever,\" he said, not joking in the least.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My love for\u003cem> I Survived...\u003c/em> spiraled fast. I found myself browsing Lifetime's On Demand menu as if it was \u003ca href=\"http://try.shudder.com/horror/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=CjwKCAjwwPfVBRBiEiwAdkM0HXioGtY_XZY0PdW9Bu_qLNIbmQe-v1bP0Sx4NBndBoVOTYSzLrgU2hoCtFYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds\">Shudder\u003c/a>. Only I quickly realized that Lifetime movies are infinitely more terrifying than anything in the actual horror genre because almost everything on Lifetime is based on something awful that really happened to someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There's \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5957584/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Girl in the Box\u003c/em>\u003c/a> -- the true story of a 20-year-old hitchhiker named Colleen Stan who was kidnapped, tortured, and forced to live as a slave for seven years. \u003cem>Seven!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho9rhKXjwE8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then there's\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt7056864/?ref_=nv_sr_1\"> Cocaine Godmother\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, in which Catherine Zeta Jones plays drug kingpin, Griselda Blanco. Jones' portrayal of Blanco is actually, legitimately frightening. At one point (\u003cem>spoiler alert!\u003c/em>), she even ruthlessly executes two small children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll remind you again: I am talking about \u003cem>Lifetime\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>During one binge, when I saw Corey Feldman's face pop up, I thought \"Oh good! This'll lighten the mood!\" Nope. Feldman's in-depth interview, \u003cem>Moment of Truth\u003c/em>, was, in fact, an incredibly depressing exploration of Hollywood's pedophile problem. This, of course, was followed by \u003cem>A Tale of Two Coreys --\u003c/em> an also-incredibly-depressing dramatized account of Feldman, his BFF Corey Haim, and, again, Hollywood's pedophile problem. Grim.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EElTHrjUXkg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even when I tried to watch the cheesy (but unashamedly heteronormative) TV movies Lifetime is so famous for, I noticed an unexpected edge of brutality. \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6304196/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>The Wrong House\u003c/em>\u003c/a> is basically a guidebook on how to ruin the lives of other, happier people, and \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4994256/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Pregnant at 17\u003c/em>\u003c/a> features two women forced to beat a kidnapper about the face and head with a shovel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure, in the end, Lifetime movies are a world in which the problems are enormous but totally solvable; where good people always triumph over evil; and where everyone gets a happily-ever-after... but were they always this crazy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'd be lying if I said Lifetime didn't have its fair share of fluff -- the \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6306584/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>Little Women\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1991410/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Dance Moms\u003c/em>\u003c/a> franchises spring to mind -- but even those involve an unreasonable amount of yelling and hostility. (Also, the first and last episode of \u003cem>Little Women: Dallas\u003c/em> I attempted to watch featured someone getting hit in the face with a serving tray right off the bat...)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the end -- and it took a while -- I realized that Lifetime loves talking about the worst things that could conceivably happen to a person -- but only if they make it out alive. The end result is supposed to be a message about the resilience and strength of human beings, in particular women. (Stories about sexual assault are shockingly prevalent.) As a channel, it's an illogical world all of its own, trying its hardest to make you feel better about your own life by showing worst-case brutal scenarios. It's a helluva way to get to the end result, but it sure is effective.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Some of the most terrifying crap you'll ever see on TV is hiding away on Lifetime.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1522790570,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":19,"wordCount":1178},"headData":{"title":"Be Afraid: Lifetime is the Most Brutal Channel on TV | KQED","description":"Some of the most terrifying crap you'll ever see on TV is hiding away on Lifetime.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Be Afraid: Lifetime is the Most Brutal Channel on TV","datePublished":"2018-04-03T21:22:50.000Z","dateModified":"2018-04-03T21:22:50.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"98736 https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=98736","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2018/04/03/be-afraid-lifetime-is-the-most-brutal-channel-on-tv/","disqusTitle":"Be Afraid: Lifetime is the Most Brutal Channel on TV","path":"/pop/98736/be-afraid-lifetime-is-the-most-brutal-channel-on-tv","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>When you think of mature content on television, there are a few usual suspects that spring to mind. HBO is one, thanks to \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0944947/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and a long history of gritty crime dramas. FX is another, thanks to violent movies in the middle of the day and the frequently shocking \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1844624/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>American Horror Story\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. Then there's AMC -- remember that time on \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1520211/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>The Walking Dead\u003c/em>\u003c/a> when \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIWLyvhuoM\">Bob woke up next to a bonfire to find a group of hipsters eating his leg\u003c/a> like it was s'mores? Yeah.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Probably the last thing that springs to mind when you think of rampant violence on television is Lifetime, a channel that at one time felt like a supermarket romance novel in visual form. You might be laboring under the idea that that's what Lifetime still is, but I recently discovered how much sheer, gasp-worthy brutality is all over this thing. Based on my recent viewing habits, I am pretty sure there are more graphic descriptions of rape and torture on this channel than any other currently in existence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For a long time, I went to Lifetime for two things and two things only: \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437741/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Project Runway\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2076610/episodes?season=6&ref_=tt_eps_sn_6\">\u003cem>Project Runway All Stars,\u003c/em>\u003c/a> making sure to switch immediately back to my regular viewing habits as soon as Heidi said \"Auf wiedersehen!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That all changed one Thursday night a few weeks ago, after I watched a three-episode block of the newest \u003cem>All Stars\u003c/em> season (I was rooting for you, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/31419/women-to-watch-candice-cuoco\">Candace Cuoco\u003c/a>!), then promptly went to bed. The next day, when I turned the TV back on, it was still tuned to Lifetime. And before I could grab the remote and change the channel, some dude had appeared on screen describing, in alarming detail, the day he had both of his arms ripped off (completely off!) in a farming accident. \"What the hell is \u003cem>this\u003c/em>?\" I asked my dog, before promptly flopping down on the couch and watching three full hours of the most horrifying and compelling reality show in the history of television,\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1084694/?ref_=nv_sr_1\"> \u003cem>I Survived\u003c/em>...\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/dzBzepyu9os'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/dzBzepyu9os'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I Survived...\u003c/em> is low budget, simple, and astoundingly well-edited. For the uninitiated, this is a show that typically involves three separate people talking about an accident or attack that almost killed them. These incidents run the gamut from abductions and violent home invasions, to getting attacked by mountain lions or falling into ravines. I am not exaggerating when I say that this is some of the scariest television you will ever watch. Oh, and it should definitely come with about 400 trigger warnings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite the jaw-dropping amount of distress involved, \u003cem>I Survived... \u003c/em>ends up being somehow both inspiring \u003cem>and\u003c/em> a guidebook of sorts about what to do in the most horrendous life-and-death situations imaginable. For example, here are just some of the handy things the show has taught me: if you get bitten by a rattlesnake, you might want to do some bloodletting; don't touch anyone while they're getting electrocuted; never go into the woods without a knife; and if your house is about to get destroyed by a natural disaster, putting on a bicycle helmet won't hurt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Astonishingly, I soon discovered that \u003cem>I Survived...\u003c/em> had a spin-off about the afterlife. Seriously. \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2134245/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>I Survived... Beyond and Back\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> \u003c/em>follows the same formula as the original, only it features people who literally died, saw some crazy shit, and came back with stories to tell. Hear that everyone? Even if you die, there is hope!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>I Survived... Beyond and Back\u003c/em> isn't all white light, dead relatives, and bliss (though truthfully, there is \u003cem>a lot\u003c/em> of that). One lady described meeting aliens who treat the fate of humans like a board game! \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FehcSO5YNUI\">Another dude described going to actual hell! And meeting Satan!\u003c/a> Needless to say, he was relieved to come back to life. \"I was the happiest, fresh-out-of-a-coma man ever,\" he said, not joking in the least.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>My love for\u003cem> I Survived...\u003c/em> spiraled fast. I found myself browsing Lifetime's On Demand menu as if it was \u003ca href=\"http://try.shudder.com/horror/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=CjwKCAjwwPfVBRBiEiwAdkM0HXioGtY_XZY0PdW9Bu_qLNIbmQe-v1bP0Sx4NBndBoVOTYSzLrgU2hoCtFYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds\">Shudder\u003c/a>. Only I quickly realized that Lifetime movies are infinitely more terrifying than anything in the actual horror genre because almost everything on Lifetime is based on something awful that really happened to someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There's \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5957584/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Girl in the Box\u003c/em>\u003c/a> -- the true story of a 20-year-old hitchhiker named Colleen Stan who was kidnapped, tortured, and forced to live as a slave for seven years. \u003cem>Seven!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ho9rhKXjwE8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Ho9rhKXjwE8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Then there's\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt7056864/?ref_=nv_sr_1\"> Cocaine Godmother\u003c/a>\u003c/em>, in which Catherine Zeta Jones plays drug kingpin, Griselda Blanco. Jones' portrayal of Blanco is actually, legitimately frightening. At one point (\u003cem>spoiler alert!\u003c/em>), she even ruthlessly executes two small children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll remind you again: I am talking about \u003cem>Lifetime\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>During one binge, when I saw Corey Feldman's face pop up, I thought \"Oh good! This'll lighten the mood!\" Nope. Feldman's in-depth interview, \u003cem>Moment of Truth\u003c/em>, was, in fact, an incredibly depressing exploration of Hollywood's pedophile problem. This, of course, was followed by \u003cem>A Tale of Two Coreys --\u003c/em> an also-incredibly-depressing dramatized account of Feldman, his BFF Corey Haim, and, again, Hollywood's pedophile problem. Grim.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/EElTHrjUXkg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/EElTHrjUXkg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Even when I tried to watch the cheesy (but unashamedly heteronormative) TV movies Lifetime is so famous for, I noticed an unexpected edge of brutality. \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6304196/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>The Wrong House\u003c/em>\u003c/a> is basically a guidebook on how to ruin the lives of other, happier people, and \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4994256/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Pregnant at 17\u003c/em>\u003c/a> features two women forced to beat a kidnapper about the face and head with a shovel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure, in the end, Lifetime movies are a world in which the problems are enormous but totally solvable; where good people always triumph over evil; and where everyone gets a happily-ever-after... but were they always this crazy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'd be lying if I said Lifetime didn't have its fair share of fluff -- the \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6306584/?ref_=nv_sr_1\">\u003cem>Little Women\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1991410/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1\">\u003cem>Dance Moms\u003c/em>\u003c/a> franchises spring to mind -- but even those involve an unreasonable amount of yelling and hostility. (Also, the first and last episode of \u003cem>Little Women: Dallas\u003c/em> I attempted to watch featured someone getting hit in the face with a serving tray right off the bat...)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the end -- and it took a while -- I realized that Lifetime loves talking about the worst things that could conceivably happen to a person -- but only if they make it out alive. The end result is supposed to be a message about the resilience and strength of human beings, in particular women. (Stories about sexual assault are shockingly prevalent.) As a channel, it's an illogical world all of its own, trying its hardest to make you feel better about your own life by showing worst-case brutal scenarios. It's a helluva way to get to the end result, but it sure is effective.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/98736/be-afraid-lifetime-is-the-most-brutal-channel-on-tv","authors":["11242"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_1136","pop_3142","pop_180"],"featImg":"pop_102924","label":"pop"},"pop_50716":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_50716","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"50716","score":null,"sort":[1480630129000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"heres-your-first-look-at-lifetimes-britney-spears-movie-if-your-eyes-can-stand-it","title":"Here's Your First Look at Lifetime's Britney Spears Movie (If Your Eyes Can Stand It)","publishDate":1480630129,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>Back in August, I warned that Lifetime, destroyer of all cultural iconography we hold dear, was planning on making a movie about the life of Britney Jean Spears. \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/lifetime-rudely-plans-tv-movie-based-on-the-life-of-britney-spears/\">I did not want it then\u003c/a>. And, after seeing the first images coming out from the set, I \u003cstrong>DEFINITELY\u003c/strong> don't want it now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we take a look, I advise anyone who is triggered by the disfigurement of cherished '90s pop icons to flee from here at once.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone else, gird yourselves, and come with me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50704\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50704\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"794\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-240x360.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-375x563.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-520x780.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50724\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\" alt=\"1462466472-amy-poehler-no\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/lifetime-rudely-plans-tv-movie-based-on-the-life-of-britney-spears/\">said it before\u003c/a> and I'll say it again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>Other than also being a human woman, I’m not really seeing a resemblance. Plus, she’s Australian! Was \u003ca href=\"http://thefilmexperience.net/storage/tv/enter-derrick.gif?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1457628788779\">Derrick Barry\u003c/a> not available?\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50703\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50703\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"728\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-160x220.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-240x330.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-375x516.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-520x716.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50723\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"giphy-10\" width=\"240\" height=\"196\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Covering up this actress' face is a good idea, considering she doesn't look like Britney at all. And that's supposed to be Justin Timberlake, I guess. I don't like the guy because of \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/02/04/nipplegate-revisited-why-america-owes-janet-jackson-a-huge-apology/\">Nipplegate\u003c/a> and some \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/17/when-will-justin-timberlake-stop-bringing-up-britneys-cheating-for-sympathy-never/\">other\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/17/when-will-justin-timberlake-stop-bringing-up-britneys-cheating-for-sympathy-never/\">reasons\u003c/a>, but this casting choice is pretty rude. This guy is a 3 at the most, Justin is at least a 5.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50701\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50701\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-160x106.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-240x160.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-375x250.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-520x346.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50722\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-13.gif\" alt=\"giphy-13\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you squint really hard, after getting hopped up on Pixie Stix and drinking a lot of tequila, this \u003cem>might\u003c/em> look like Backstreet Boys, but *NSYNC? Really? To quote the Gospel according to JT and co.:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_inline_n4t9hcKTYg1r39le4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50713\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_inline_n4t9hcKTYg1r39le4.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_n4t9hcktyg1r39le4\" width=\"500\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50714\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2.jpg\" alt=\"britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2\" width=\"620\" height=\"420\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-160x108.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-240x163.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-375x254.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-520x352.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For comparison:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/b4f62b50-20b6-0132-4e43-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50725\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/b4f62b50-20b6-0132-4e43-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\" alt=\"b4f62b50-20b6-0132-4e43-0ebc4eccb42f\" width=\"500\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This means that the creators of this Lifetime movie definitely used Britney and Kevin's reality show, \u003cem>Chaotic\u003c/em>, as source material, which means they will definitely do the most with the following iconic (and kind of sad) scene:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu_NJMDkx90\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50702\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50702\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"794\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-240x360.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-375x563.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-520x780.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-14.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50720\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-14.gif\" alt=\"giphy-14\" width=\"500\" height=\"400\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, two things:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Let's be real: the people who will watch this movie also watch \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> and can clock a fine wig when they see one. This is not a fine wig. This is a mockery. \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUc01MjDRp8\">Go back to Party City where you belong.\u003c/a>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>If Kevin actually looked this hot, I would finally understand what Britney was thinking.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>In summation:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-17.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-17.gif\" alt=\"giphy-17\" width=\"245\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-16.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50733\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-16.gif\" alt=\"giphy-16\" width=\"245\" height=\"188\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-gif.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50732\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-gif.gif\" alt=\"britney-spears-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_m6dek8wndi1r3ty02o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50736\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_m6dek8wndi1r3ty02o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m6dek8wndi1r3ty02o1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"370\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-15.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50737\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-15.gif\" alt=\"giphy-15\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>If you want more thoughts and feelings about this biopic, I dumped all of mine here for you:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/lifetime-rudely-plans-tv-movie-based-on-the-life-of-britney-spears/\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"I advise anyone who is triggered by the disfigurement of cherished '90s pop icons to flee from here at once. Everyone else, come with me.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1480906076,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":26,"wordCount":378},"headData":{"title":"Here's Your First Look at Lifetime's Britney Spears Movie (If Your Eyes Can Stand It) | KQED","description":"I advise anyone who is triggered by the disfigurement of cherished '90s pop icons to flee from here at once. Everyone else, come with me.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Here's Your First Look at Lifetime's Britney Spears Movie (If Your Eyes Can Stand It)","datePublished":"2016-12-01T22:08:49.000Z","dateModified":"2016-12-05T02:47:56.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"50716 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=50716","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/12/01/heres-your-first-look-at-lifetimes-britney-spears-movie-if-your-eyes-can-stand-it/","disqusTitle":"Here's Your First Look at Lifetime's Britney Spears Movie (If Your Eyes Can Stand It)","path":"/pop/50716/heres-your-first-look-at-lifetimes-britney-spears-movie-if-your-eyes-can-stand-it","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Back in August, I warned that Lifetime, destroyer of all cultural iconography we hold dear, was planning on making a movie about the life of Britney Jean Spears. \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/lifetime-rudely-plans-tv-movie-based-on-the-life-of-britney-spears/\">I did not want it then\u003c/a>. And, after seeing the first images coming out from the set, I \u003cstrong>DEFINITELY\u003c/strong> don't want it now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we take a look, I advise anyone who is triggered by the disfigurement of cherished '90s pop icons to flee from here at once.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone else, gird yourselves, and come with me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50704\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50704\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"794\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-240x360.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-375x563.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-005.nocrop.w529.h848-520x780.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50724\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/1462466472-amy-poehler-no.gif\" alt=\"1462466472-amy-poehler-no\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/lifetime-rudely-plans-tv-movie-based-on-the-life-of-britney-spears/\">said it before\u003c/a> and I'll say it again:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>Other than also being a human woman, I’m not really seeing a resemblance. Plus, she’s Australian! Was \u003ca href=\"http://thefilmexperience.net/storage/tv/enter-derrick.gif?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1457628788779\">Derrick Barry\u003c/a> not available?\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50703\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50703\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"728\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-160x220.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-240x330.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-375x516.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-006.nocrop.w529.h777-520x716.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-10.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50723\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-10.gif\" alt=\"giphy-10\" width=\"240\" height=\"196\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Covering up this actress' face is a good idea, considering she doesn't look like Britney at all. And that's supposed to be Justin Timberlake, I guess. I don't like the guy because of \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/02/04/nipplegate-revisited-why-america-owes-janet-jackson-a-huge-apology/\">Nipplegate\u003c/a> and some \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/17/when-will-justin-timberlake-stop-bringing-up-britneys-cheating-for-sympathy-never/\">other\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/17/when-will-justin-timberlake-stop-bringing-up-britneys-cheating-for-sympathy-never/\">reasons\u003c/a>, but this casting choice is pretty rude. This guy is a 3 at the most, Justin is at least a 5.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50701\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50701\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-160x106.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-240x160.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-375x250.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-003.w529.h352-520x346.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-13.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50722\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-13.gif\" alt=\"giphy-13\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you squint really hard, after getting hopped up on Pixie Stix and drinking a lot of tequila, this \u003cem>might\u003c/em> look like Backstreet Boys, but *NSYNC? Really? To quote the Gospel according to JT and co.:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_inline_n4t9hcKTYg1r39le4.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50713\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_inline_n4t9hcKTYg1r39le4.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_inline_n4t9hcktyg1r39le4\" width=\"500\" height=\"245\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50714\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2.jpg\" alt=\"britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2\" width=\"620\" height=\"420\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2.jpg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-160x108.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-240x163.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-375x254.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-lifetime-movie-2-520x352.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For comparison:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/b4f62b50-20b6-0132-4e43-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50725\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/b4f62b50-20b6-0132-4e43-0ebc4eccb42f.gif\" alt=\"b4f62b50-20b6-0132-4e43-0ebc4eccb42f\" width=\"500\" height=\"343\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This means that the creators of this Lifetime movie definitely used Britney and Kevin's reality show, \u003cem>Chaotic\u003c/em>, as source material, which means they will definitely do the most with the following iconic (and kind of sad) scene:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/qu_NJMDkx90'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/qu_NJMDkx90'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_50702\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 529px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-50702\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg\" alt=\"Photo: Lifetime\" width=\"529\" height=\"794\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848.jpg 529w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-240x360.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-375x563.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/01-britney-spears-lifetime-001.nocrop.w529.h848-520x780.jpg 520w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 529px) 100vw, 529px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-14.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50720\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-14.gif\" alt=\"giphy-14\" width=\"500\" height=\"400\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, two things:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Let's be real: the people who will watch this movie also watch \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> and can clock a fine wig when they see one. This is not a fine wig. This is a mockery. \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUc01MjDRp8\">Go back to Party City where you belong.\u003c/a>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>If Kevin actually looked this hot, I would finally understand what Britney was thinking.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>In summation:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-17.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-50727\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-17.gif\" alt=\"giphy-17\" width=\"245\" height=\"223\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-16.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50733\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-16.gif\" alt=\"giphy-16\" width=\"245\" height=\"188\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-gif.gif\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50732\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/britney-spears-gif.gif\" alt=\"britney-spears-gif\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_m6dek8wndi1r3ty02o1_500.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50736\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/tumblr_m6dek8wndi1r3ty02o1_500.gif\" alt=\"tumblr_m6dek8wndi1r3ty02o1_500\" width=\"500\" height=\"370\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-15.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-50737\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/giphy-15.gif\" alt=\"giphy-15\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>If you want more thoughts and feelings about this biopic, I dumped all of mine here for you:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"kqedEmbed","attributes":{"named":{"url":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2016/08/24/lifetime-rudely-plans-tv-movie-based-on-the-life-of-britney-spears/"},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/50716/heres-your-first-look-at-lifetimes-britney-spears-movie-if-your-eyes-can-stand-it","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_4","pop_3"],"tags":["pop_651","pop_1136"],"featImg":"pop_50729","label":"pop"},"pop_17402":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_17402","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"17402","score":null,"sort":[1438370890000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"first-clip-of-lifetimes-full-house-movie-will-destroy-your-childhood-memories","title":"First Clip of Lifetime's 'Full House' Movie Will Destroy Your Childhood Memories","publishDate":1438370890,"format":"standard","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"Lkia8tfIGJOI3MhbxCArWJkZTQ3eI3Oq\"]Last month, I wrote \"This is what the \u003cem>Full House\u003c/em> cast would have looked like in an alternate dimension where everything right is wrong\" about the atrocity that is \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/06/04/first-photo-of-lifetimes-full-house-tv-movie-will-damage-your-vision/\" target=\"_blank\">the first official cast photo from Lifetime's \u003cem>Full House\u003c/em> movie\u003c/a>. They couldn't find someone better than an ex of Miley Cyrus to pay homage to most '90s girls and gay boys' first crush Uncle Jesse. Same goes for the actor cast as Danny Tanner, whose most interesting credit on IMDb is that he played a Marine in \u003cem>Pirates of the Caribbean\u003c/em>…the video game. And the geometric shapes, funky musical notes and yarn people adornments from the Tanner girls' outfits were swapped out for boring floral patterns. It can't get any worse, I thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it just did with this clip from the movie. Let's watch, shall we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe width=\"640\" height=\"360\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"0\" src=\"https://tv.yahoo.com/video/unauthorized-full-house-story-201253010.html?format=embed\" allowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" allowtransparency=\"true\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, wait. Why are they in the living room from \u003cem>Everybody Loves Raymond\u003c/em>? It's like these producers have never even seen an episode of the show. Anyway, I digress...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The gang tries to stop Uncle Joey from dumping Michelle outside. Dark. Then, Uncle Jesse talks smack about the stupid babies he has to work with and tries to get them fired. And then Danny Tanner talks about wanting to install a pole and invite some strippers over in front of a young bemused Stephanie. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if this clip wasn't enough, Lifetime released more photos from the set. Because I'm a masochist, I'm going to go through and analyze them:\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17411\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17411 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery19\" width=\"800\" height=\"1200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-400x600.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-960x1440.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19.jpg 1000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Those creepy twins from \u003cem>The Shining\u003c/em> haven't aged a day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17410\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17410 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery20\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Was the budget on this project so low that they couldn't afford to hire a real dog to play Comet? Dear goddess, I hope so. If this movie is going to be this terrible, it might as well camp it up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17409\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17409 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery22\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Looking over the Miley breakup texts. Stephanie is on her side.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17407\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17407 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery24\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The only thing San Franciscan about this living room is the subtle copy of \u003cem>San Francisco\u003c/em> magazine on the table. Nice work, set designers! Do Uncle Jesse and Michelle know there's a creepy lady intruder hiding next to the couch? Maybe Comet, who's kicking it in the background, would protect them, if he wasn't a stuffed animal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17405\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17405 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery28\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>This child actress is meeting with her lawyers. She plans to sue her parents for signing her up for this trainwreck of a TV movie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17406\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17406 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery27\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Kimmy Gibbler is KILLING IT in the background, as she always does. And eternal HA HA HAs are in order for those insane wigs they put on Nicky and Alex. Oh no, I'm starting to get excited for this mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are the producers idiots or evil geniuses? We'll find out on August 22, when \u003cem>The Unauthorized Full House Story\u003c/em> premieres on Lifetime.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"John Stamos wants to fire the Olsen twins and Bob Saget wants strippers on set in the first clip from the Full House TV movie.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1438371052,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":15,"wordCount":495},"headData":{"title":"First Clip of Lifetime's 'Full House' Movie Will Destroy Your Childhood Memories | KQED","description":"John Stamos wants to fire the Olsen twins and Bob Saget wants strippers on set in the first clip from the Full House TV movie.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"First Clip of Lifetime's 'Full House' Movie Will Destroy Your Childhood Memories","datePublished":"2015-07-31T19:28:10.000Z","dateModified":"2015-07-31T19:30:52.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"17402 http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/?p=17402","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/07/31/first-clip-of-lifetimes-full-house-movie-will-destroy-your-childhood-memories/","disqusTitle":"First Clip of Lifetime's 'Full House' Movie Will Destroy Your Childhood Memories","path":"/pop/17402/first-clip-of-lifetimes-full-house-movie-will-destroy-your-childhood-memories","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>Last month, I wrote \"This is what the \u003cem>Full House\u003c/em> cast would have looked like in an alternate dimension where everything right is wrong\" about the atrocity that is \u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2015/06/04/first-photo-of-lifetimes-full-house-tv-movie-will-damage-your-vision/\" target=\"_blank\">the first official cast photo from Lifetime's \u003cem>Full House\u003c/em> movie\u003c/a>. They couldn't find someone better than an ex of Miley Cyrus to pay homage to most '90s girls and gay boys' first crush Uncle Jesse. Same goes for the actor cast as Danny Tanner, whose most interesting credit on IMDb is that he played a Marine in \u003cem>Pirates of the Caribbean\u003c/em>…the video game. And the geometric shapes, funky musical notes and yarn people adornments from the Tanner girls' outfits were swapped out for boring floral patterns. It can't get any worse, I thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But it just did with this clip from the movie. Let's watch, shall we?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe width=\"640\" height=\"360\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"0\" src=\"https://tv.yahoo.com/video/unauthorized-full-house-story-201253010.html?format=embed\" allowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" allowtransparency=\"true\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, wait. Why are they in the living room from \u003cem>Everybody Loves Raymond\u003c/em>? It's like these producers have never even seen an episode of the show. Anyway, I digress...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The gang tries to stop Uncle Joey from dumping Michelle outside. Dark. Then, Uncle Jesse talks smack about the stupid babies he has to work with and tries to get them fired. And then Danny Tanner talks about wanting to install a pole and invite some strippers over in front of a young bemused Stephanie. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if this clip wasn't enough, Lifetime released more photos from the set. Because I'm a masochist, I'm going to go through and analyze them:\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17411\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17411 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery19\" width=\"800\" height=\"1200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-400x600.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19-960x1440.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery19.jpg 1000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Those creepy twins from \u003cem>The Shining\u003c/em> haven't aged a day!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17410\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17410 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery20\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery20.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Was the budget on this project so low that they couldn't afford to hire a real dog to play Comet? Dear goddess, I hope so. If this movie is going to be this terrible, it might as well camp it up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17409\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17409 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery22\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery22.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Looking over the Miley breakup texts. Stephanie is on her side.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17407\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17407 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery24\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery24.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The only thing San Franciscan about this living room is the subtle copy of \u003cem>San Francisco\u003c/em> magazine on the table. Nice work, set designers! Do Uncle Jesse and Michelle know there's a creepy lady intruder hiding next to the couch? Maybe Comet, who's kicking it in the background, would protect them, if he wasn't a stuffed animal.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17405\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17405 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery28\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery28.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>This child actress is meeting with her lawyers. She plans to sue her parents for signing her up for this trainwreck of a TV movie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_17406\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27.jpg\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-17406 size-medium\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-800x490.jpg\" alt=\"movies-tufhs-gallery27\" width=\"800\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-800x490.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-400x245.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-1440x881.jpg 1440w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-1180x722.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27-960x588.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/movies-tufhs-gallery27.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo: Lifetime\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Kimmy Gibbler is KILLING IT in the background, as she always does. And eternal HA HA HAs are in order for those insane wigs they put on Nicky and Alex. Oh no, I'm starting to get excited for this mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are the producers idiots or evil geniuses? We'll find out on August 22, when \u003cem>The Unauthorized Full House Story\u003c/em> premieres on Lifetime.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/17402/first-clip-of-lifetimes-full-house-movie-will-destroy-your-childhood-memories","authors":["27"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_1250","pop_1136"],"featImg":"pop_17418","label":"pop"},"pop_13236":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_13236","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"13236","score":null,"sort":[1409339880000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"6-lessons-saved-by-the-bell-taught-me-without-meaning-to","title":"6 Lessons 'Saved by the Bell' Taught Me (Without Meaning To)","publishDate":1409339880,"format":"aside","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13330\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain.jpg\" alt=\"apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain-400x225.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A big thank you is due to whomever keeps green-lighting all these \u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/08/21/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics/\">splendiferously kitsch telefilms on Lifetime. \u003c/a>The MacArthur-worthy minds that brought you \u003cem>Anna Nicole\u003c/em>, \u003cem>Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret\u003c/em> and the entire incest opus that is \u003cem>Flowers in the Attic\u003c/em> have now gifted us with \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/the-unauthorized-saved-by-the-bell-story?mkwid=sadwvsVYG%7Cdt_pcrid_42286122032_pkw_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story_pmt_e&utm_source=ltd_tune_google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&utm_campaign=The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show&paidlink=1&cmpid=PaidSearch_ltd_tune_google_The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&gclid=Cj0KEQjwveufBRDlsNb3kb-twMIBEiQASNH0xmWlCNePz8G4HfIsCH9BPohKbyhrAxXkWlZD-ot_y4kaAk_n8P8HAQ\">The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story\u003c/a>\u003c/em>. Yes, readers; that Saturday morning hit that defined the non-grunge, bubblegum side of the '90s and made cellular phones the size of bricks popular is now getting a completely necessary behind-the-scenes treatment. So what if none of the actors look like the actors they're playing and who cares if this is in no way approved of or endorsed by the creators of the original show. They recreated the Max in all its geometric, Memphis design glory and that's all the counts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we head back to Bayside High, let's take a time-out and look back on some of the lessons Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar), Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Thiessen) A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez), Jessie Spano (Nomi Malone, I mean, Elizabeth Berkeley), Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) and Screech Powers (Dustin Diamond) taught a generation of millennials in after-school syndication. Sure, there were always official messages the show endorsed (don't drink and drive, don't smoke pot, \u003ca href=\"http://www.amazon.com/Behind-Bell-Dustin-Diamond/dp/0981239692\">don't let Screech ever write a book about the show\u003c/a>), but the subtext of \u003cem>Saved by the Bell\u003c/em> was always so much more attuned to what kids really needed to hear to survive high school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13325\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/tumblr_m653pbsk7f1qzjqiao3_250.gif\" alt=\"sbtb prom 2\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13324\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/tumblr_m653pbsk7f1qzjqiao4_250.gif\" alt=\"sbtb prom\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Prom \u003c/strong>(Season 2, Episode 1)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong> Plot:\u003c/strong> It's prom time at Bayside. Yes, apparently Bayside sophomores get to go to prom, which is held in the fall! Zack gets his dream-come-true when Kelly chooses him over Slater as a date, but his heart is shattered when she suddenly backs out. You see, Kelly's dad is some kind of weapons dealer and, with \"peace being declared,\" business is down! Kelly forks over the money she was going to use on a dress and tells Zack prom is off. When Zack finally finds out why, he makes a prom for two and squires Kelly away to a dreamy crepe-papered picnic bench. Meanwhile, all the \u003cem>Moonlighting-\u003c/em>type verbal foreplay between Jessie and Slater comes to a head at the big dance. Surprise: They're attracted to each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> It is better to give than receive? No, wait... how about love don't cost a thing?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Zack and Kelly's counter-prom was way more private and a thousand times more romantic than actual prom. If Kelly was ever going to let Zack skip a few bases, that would have been the night. The lesson here is clearly that, if you ditch prom for an alternative venue, you'll get to spend way more unsupervised time together and who knows what will happen. Also, poor girls are apparently easily impressed, since it doesn't look like Zack put that much effort into the set-up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13327\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 394px\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-13327\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/Screen-shot-2014-08-29-at-11.49.25-AM.png\" alt=\"Busted!\" width=\"394\" height=\"292\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Busted!\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Fake I.D.'s\u003c/strong> (Season 3, Episode 9)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> Zack and Kelly have broken up because...Tiffani Amber Theissen wanted to expand her good-girl range before playing resident tramp Valerie on \u003cem>90210\u003c/em>? It's not exactly clear. To get over Kelly, Zack gets Screech to make fake IDs for the guys so they can sneak into the Attic, an 18+ club. Once inside, Zack meets a college girl \u003cem>and\u003c/em> spots Kelly's new college boyfriend cheating on her. When Zack warns Kelly, she doesn't believe him. The episode ends in a boys vs. girls under-age off at The Attic and Zack's mom raids the place because these kids are not 18!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> A true friend is the one who tells you the news you don't want to hear. And also, we assume: don't use a fake ID.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong> Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Here's a lesson all high schoolers should have taken to heart. When it came time for the cool kids to get fake IDs, where did they turn? To the other cool kids? Wrong. They picked the biggest geek in school. Nerds often have superpowers they are willing to use for cool kids that don't bully them. The lesson here is clear: never pick on the seemingly uncool smart kid; if you're nice to them, they'll help you get into clubs. Lesson 2 is for the Screeches of the world: learn how to do useful stuff for popular kids and they'll let you hang out with them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>http://youtu.be/bflYjF90t7c\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jessie's Song\u003c/strong> (Season 2, Episode 9)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> Type-A queen bee Jessie Spano wants to have it all: a perfect 4.0, intellectual fulfillment as the show's token third-wave feminist, and now, a musical extracurricular for those college applications in the form of her new girl group Hot Sundae. But there's so much studying, so much rehearsal needed and so many Camille Paglia articles on women in media to read! The solution? Caffeine pills, duh (this was apparently before kids made a habit of selling their Ritalin at finals time). Because this is \u003cem>Saved by the Bell,\u003c/em> Jessie becomes a hopeless addict, who is eventually saved, not by the expected bell, but by childhood pal Zack who soothes the Pointer Sister out of her with memories of sneaking off to \u003cem>E.T.\u003c/em> as disobedient children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> There are a couple here. Just say no! and Don't over-commit! are easily the top two.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Jessie's out-of-control meltdown makes any drug scenes in \u003cem>Sid & Nancy\u003c/em> look freakishly underplayed by comparison. The real lesson behind the lesson though is that Elizabeth Berkeley had a flair for camp that would eventually be realized in her career-defining role as Nomi Malone in \u003cem>Showgirls.\u003c/em> Jessie's manic song and dance routine heralded fantastic things to come.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13328\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 360px\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-13328 size-thumbnail\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/love_triangle02-360x300.jpg\" alt=\"love_triangle02\" width=\"360\" height=\"300\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">🙁\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Bayside Triangle\u003c/strong> (Season 4, Episode 5)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> When walking hormone Zack decides to help Lisa put on a fashion show, it's only a matter of time before he ends up making out with her. Screech's heart is broken when he sees his supposed best friend locking lips with his forever crush. He then publicly humiliates the pair as emcee of Lisa's fashion show in a weird foreshadowing of Dustin Diamond's eventual memoir.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> Bros before hos?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real lesson:\u003c/strong> Screech always hated Zack...like Dustin Diamond hates everyone on the show who went on to continue to have a career.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>http://youtu.be/GbgWk4Rl78w\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>School Song \u003c/strong>(Season 4, Episode 24)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> Graduation is just around the corner, but, before they go, the six friends compete to see who can compose the new school anthem. Because Zack is Zack, he sabotages all his friends (remind me why they still hang out with him; is it because he has a cell phone?) and his composition \"Cool School\" makes it to the finals. But at last, after four years of his antics, the gang fights back and sabotages him. All is resolved at the end with Zack's friends yet again forgiving their buddy's psychopathic tendencies because that's what friends are for.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> Cheaters never prosper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> You can only push people so far before they fight back. It took four seasons, but Bayside eventually stood up to the reign of terror that was Zack Morris, even neutralizing his ability to freeze time. Also, how natural was Jessie in the role of the saboteur in this episode? Yet more proof that the high school valedictorian runs away to become the stair-pushing dancer in \u003cem>Showgirls.\u003c/em> Even if you can't entirely prove SBTB and \u003cem>Showgirls\u003c/em> are part of the same universe, you also can't entirely rule it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>http://youtu.be/9UreyTaVWm0\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Rockumentary\u003c/strong> (Season 3, Episode 22)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> In a \u003cem>VH1: Behind the Music\u003c/em> type episode (which we hope inspires the tone of the upcoming telefilm), Casey Kasem tells the story of the gang's garage band \"The Zack Attack\" and the eventual rise, fall, and rise of the six friends as they shoot to fame. Naturally, there's some kind of misunderstanding and they go their separate ways in anger before eventually reuniting to sing their hit \"Friends Forever\" at a big benefit concert at Bayside. Then Zack wakes up. Years later, we're gifted with this \u003ca href=\"http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9juow_zack-morris-mark-paul-gosselaar-200_news\">classic bit on Jimmy Fallon\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> Friendsssss for evvvvvvaaaaaaahhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Once you get famous, ditch your dead weight friends, who have stuck with you during your rise. Don't worry, if you ever have a crisis, they'll always come back. That's sort of the overall lesson of the series: No matter how poorly Zack treats his friends, they're all terrible codependents and will always return for his abuse. One can only hope the real \"behind the scenes\" story on Lifetime is half as juicy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/the-unauthorized-saved-by-the-bell-story?mkwid=sadwvsVYG%7Cdt_pcrid_42286122032_pkw_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story_pmt_e&utm_source=ltd_tune_google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&utm_campaign=The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show&paidlink=1&cmpid=PaidSearch_ltd_tune_google_The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&gclid=Cj0KEQjwveufBRDlsNb3kb-twMIBEiQASNH0xmWlCNePz8G4HfIsCH9BPohKbyhrAxXkWlZD-ot_y4kaAk_n8P8HAQ\">The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story\u003c/a> airs this Monday, September 1, 2014 on Lifetime. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"In anticipation of the Lifetime Saved by the Bell movie, we take a look at some of the lessons the show inadvertently taught us.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1409339898,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":31,"wordCount":1540},"headData":{"title":"6 Lessons 'Saved by the Bell' Taught Me (Without Meaning To) | KQED","description":"In anticipation of the Lifetime Saved by the Bell movie, we take a look at some of the lessons the show inadvertently taught us.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"6 Lessons 'Saved by the Bell' Taught Me (Without Meaning To)","datePublished":"2014-08-29T19:18:00.000Z","dateModified":"2014-08-29T19:18:18.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"13236 http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/?p=13236","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2014/08/29/6-lessons-saved-by-the-bell-taught-me-without-meaning-to/","disqusTitle":"6 Lessons 'Saved by the Bell' Taught Me (Without Meaning To)","path":"/pop/13236/6-lessons-saved-by-the-bell-taught-me-without-meaning-to","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13330\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain.jpg\" alt=\"apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/apa_saved_by_bell_jt_130125_wmain-400x225.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A big thank you is due to whomever keeps green-lighting all these \u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/08/21/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics/\">splendiferously kitsch telefilms on Lifetime. \u003c/a>The MacArthur-worthy minds that brought you \u003cem>Anna Nicole\u003c/em>, \u003cem>Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret\u003c/em> and the entire incest opus that is \u003cem>Flowers in the Attic\u003c/em> have now gifted us with \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/the-unauthorized-saved-by-the-bell-story?mkwid=sadwvsVYG%7Cdt_pcrid_42286122032_pkw_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story_pmt_e&utm_source=ltd_tune_google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&utm_campaign=The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show&paidlink=1&cmpid=PaidSearch_ltd_tune_google_The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&gclid=Cj0KEQjwveufBRDlsNb3kb-twMIBEiQASNH0xmWlCNePz8G4HfIsCH9BPohKbyhrAxXkWlZD-ot_y4kaAk_n8P8HAQ\">The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story\u003c/a>\u003c/em>. Yes, readers; that Saturday morning hit that defined the non-grunge, bubblegum side of the '90s and made cellular phones the size of bricks popular is now getting a completely necessary behind-the-scenes treatment. So what if none of the actors look like the actors they're playing and who cares if this is in no way approved of or endorsed by the creators of the original show. They recreated the Max in all its geometric, Memphis design glory and that's all the counts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before we head back to Bayside High, let's take a time-out and look back on some of the lessons Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar), Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Thiessen) A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez), Jessie Spano (Nomi Malone, I mean, Elizabeth Berkeley), Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies) and Screech Powers (Dustin Diamond) taught a generation of millennials in after-school syndication. Sure, there were always official messages the show endorsed (don't drink and drive, don't smoke pot, \u003ca href=\"http://www.amazon.com/Behind-Bell-Dustin-Diamond/dp/0981239692\">don't let Screech ever write a book about the show\u003c/a>), but the subtext of \u003cem>Saved by the Bell\u003c/em> was always so much more attuned to what kids really needed to hear to survive high school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13325\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/tumblr_m653pbsk7f1qzjqiao3_250.gif\" alt=\"sbtb prom 2\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13324\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/tumblr_m653pbsk7f1qzjqiao4_250.gif\" alt=\"sbtb prom\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Prom \u003c/strong>(Season 2, Episode 1)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong> Plot:\u003c/strong> It's prom time at Bayside. Yes, apparently Bayside sophomores get to go to prom, which is held in the fall! Zack gets his dream-come-true when Kelly chooses him over Slater as a date, but his heart is shattered when she suddenly backs out. You see, Kelly's dad is some kind of weapons dealer and, with \"peace being declared,\" business is down! Kelly forks over the money she was going to use on a dress and tells Zack prom is off. When Zack finally finds out why, he makes a prom for two and squires Kelly away to a dreamy crepe-papered picnic bench. Meanwhile, all the \u003cem>Moonlighting-\u003c/em>type verbal foreplay between Jessie and Slater comes to a head at the big dance. Surprise: They're attracted to each other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> It is better to give than receive? No, wait... how about love don't cost a thing?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Zack and Kelly's counter-prom was way more private and a thousand times more romantic than actual prom. If Kelly was ever going to let Zack skip a few bases, that would have been the night. The lesson here is clearly that, if you ditch prom for an alternative venue, you'll get to spend way more unsupervised time together and who knows what will happen. Also, poor girls are apparently easily impressed, since it doesn't look like Zack put that much effort into the set-up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13327\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 394px\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-13327\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/Screen-shot-2014-08-29-at-11.49.25-AM.png\" alt=\"Busted!\" width=\"394\" height=\"292\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Busted!\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Fake I.D.'s\u003c/strong> (Season 3, Episode 9)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> Zack and Kelly have broken up because...Tiffani Amber Theissen wanted to expand her good-girl range before playing resident tramp Valerie on \u003cem>90210\u003c/em>? It's not exactly clear. To get over Kelly, Zack gets Screech to make fake IDs for the guys so they can sneak into the Attic, an 18+ club. Once inside, Zack meets a college girl \u003cem>and\u003c/em> spots Kelly's new college boyfriend cheating on her. When Zack warns Kelly, she doesn't believe him. The episode ends in a boys vs. girls under-age off at The Attic and Zack's mom raids the place because these kids are not 18!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> A true friend is the one who tells you the news you don't want to hear. And also, we assume: don't use a fake ID.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong> Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Here's a lesson all high schoolers should have taken to heart. When it came time for the cool kids to get fake IDs, where did they turn? To the other cool kids? Wrong. They picked the biggest geek in school. Nerds often have superpowers they are willing to use for cool kids that don't bully them. The lesson here is clear: never pick on the seemingly uncool smart kid; if you're nice to them, they'll help you get into clubs. Lesson 2 is for the Screeches of the world: learn how to do useful stuff for popular kids and they'll let you hang out with them.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/bflYjF90t7c'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/bflYjF90t7c'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jessie's Song\u003c/strong> (Season 2, Episode 9)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> Type-A queen bee Jessie Spano wants to have it all: a perfect 4.0, intellectual fulfillment as the show's token third-wave feminist, and now, a musical extracurricular for those college applications in the form of her new girl group Hot Sundae. But there's so much studying, so much rehearsal needed and so many Camille Paglia articles on women in media to read! The solution? Caffeine pills, duh (this was apparently before kids made a habit of selling their Ritalin at finals time). Because this is \u003cem>Saved by the Bell,\u003c/em> Jessie becomes a hopeless addict, who is eventually saved, not by the expected bell, but by childhood pal Zack who soothes the Pointer Sister out of her with memories of sneaking off to \u003cem>E.T.\u003c/em> as disobedient children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> There are a couple here. Just say no! and Don't over-commit! are easily the top two.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Jessie's out-of-control meltdown makes any drug scenes in \u003cem>Sid & Nancy\u003c/em> look freakishly underplayed by comparison. The real lesson behind the lesson though is that Elizabeth Berkeley had a flair for camp that would eventually be realized in her career-defining role as Nomi Malone in \u003cem>Showgirls.\u003c/em> Jessie's manic song and dance routine heralded fantastic things to come.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13328\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 360px\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-13328 size-thumbnail\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/08/love_triangle02-360x300.jpg\" alt=\"love_triangle02\" width=\"360\" height=\"300\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">🙁\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Bayside Triangle\u003c/strong> (Season 4, Episode 5)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> When walking hormone Zack decides to help Lisa put on a fashion show, it's only a matter of time before he ends up making out with her. Screech's heart is broken when he sees his supposed best friend locking lips with his forever crush. He then publicly humiliates the pair as emcee of Lisa's fashion show in a weird foreshadowing of Dustin Diamond's eventual memoir.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> Bros before hos?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real lesson:\u003c/strong> Screech always hated Zack...like Dustin Diamond hates everyone on the show who went on to continue to have a career.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/GbgWk4Rl78w'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/GbgWk4Rl78w'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cstrong>School Song \u003c/strong>(Season 4, Episode 24)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> Graduation is just around the corner, but, before they go, the six friends compete to see who can compose the new school anthem. Because Zack is Zack, he sabotages all his friends (remind me why they still hang out with him; is it because he has a cell phone?) and his composition \"Cool School\" makes it to the finals. But at last, after four years of his antics, the gang fights back and sabotages him. All is resolved at the end with Zack's friends yet again forgiving their buddy's psychopathic tendencies because that's what friends are for.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> Cheaters never prosper.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> You can only push people so far before they fight back. It took four seasons, but Bayside eventually stood up to the reign of terror that was Zack Morris, even neutralizing his ability to freeze time. Also, how natural was Jessie in the role of the saboteur in this episode? Yet more proof that the high school valedictorian runs away to become the stair-pushing dancer in \u003cem>Showgirls.\u003c/em> Even if you can't entirely prove SBTB and \u003cem>Showgirls\u003c/em> are part of the same universe, you also can't entirely rule it out.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/9UreyTaVWm0'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/9UreyTaVWm0'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Rockumentary\u003c/strong> (Season 3, Episode 22)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plot:\u003c/strong> In a \u003cem>VH1: Behind the Music\u003c/em> type episode (which we hope inspires the tone of the upcoming telefilm), Casey Kasem tells the story of the gang's garage band \"The Zack Attack\" and the eventual rise, fall, and rise of the six friends as they shoot to fame. Naturally, there's some kind of misunderstanding and they go their separate ways in anger before eventually reuniting to sing their hit \"Friends Forever\" at a big benefit concert at Bayside. Then Zack wakes up. Years later, we're gifted with this \u003ca href=\"http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9juow_zack-morris-mark-paul-gosselaar-200_news\">classic bit on Jimmy Fallon\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Intended Lesson:\u003c/strong> Friendsssss for evvvvvvaaaaaaahhh.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Real Lesson:\u003c/strong> Once you get famous, ditch your dead weight friends, who have stuck with you during your rise. Don't worry, if you ever have a crisis, they'll always come back. That's sort of the overall lesson of the series: No matter how poorly Zack treats his friends, they're all terrible codependents and will always return for his abuse. One can only hope the real \"behind the scenes\" story on Lifetime is half as juicy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/the-unauthorized-saved-by-the-bell-story?mkwid=sadwvsVYG%7Cdt_pcrid_42286122032_pkw_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story_pmt_e&utm_source=ltd_tune_google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&utm_campaign=The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show&paidlink=1&cmpid=PaidSearch_ltd_tune_google_The+Unauthorized+Saved+by+the+Bell+Story_Show_the%20unauthorized%20saved%20by%20the%20bell%20story&gclid=Cj0KEQjwveufBRDlsNb3kb-twMIBEiQASNH0xmWlCNePz8G4HfIsCH9BPohKbyhrAxXkWlZD-ot_y4kaAk_n8P8HAQ\">The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story\u003c/a> airs this Monday, September 1, 2014 on Lifetime. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/13236/6-lessons-saved-by-the-bell-taught-me-without-meaning-to","authors":["2436"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_646","pop_1136","pop_1667","pop_266","pop_2787"],"featImg":"pop_13330","label":"pop"},"pop_10113":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_10113","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"10113","score":null,"sort":[1386864089000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"a-guide-to-made-for-tv-christmas-carols-past-present-and-future","title":"A Guide to Made-for-TV Christmas Carol Adaptations, Past, Present and Future","publishDate":1386864089,"format":"aside","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_10185\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/12/12/a-guide-to-made-for-tv-christmas-carols-past-present-and-future/christmas-carol/\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-10185\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-10185\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/christmas-carol.png\" alt=\"christmas-carol\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/christmas-carol.png 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/christmas-carol-400x225.png 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Carson Kressley and Carrie Fisher in \u003cem>It's Christmas, Carol!\u003c/em> Photo: The Hallmark Channel\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Some people love Charles Dickens' immortal holiday classic \u003cem>A Christmas Carol.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some of us aim a little lower.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every December, KQED, TCM, BBC and all the other dignified networks air the most beloved adaptations of the celebrated novel for the holidays, including the Joseph L. Mankiewicz scripted 1938 American adaptation, 1951's \u003cem>Scrooge\u003c/em> \u003ca href=\"http://www.nytimes.com/video/movies/1194835382819/critics-picks-a-christmas-carol.html\">(a film \u003cem>New York Times\u003c/em> film critic A.O. Scott names as one of the best adaptations)\u003c/a>, the 1970 Albert Finney musical, not to mention \u003cem>Mickey's Christmas Carol\u003c/em> from 1983 (with Scrooge McDuck, obviously) and the 1992 Muppet adaptation with Michael Caine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then there's the fare on Lifetime, WE, Hallmark, ABC Family and every other non-Masterpiece channel you can think of. An entire sub-industry in the made-for-TV-movie genre apparently exists solely to make updated versions of \u003cem>A Christmas Carol\u003c/em> but, you know, starring a woman and entirely shot in Canada for under $100,000. For those of you that are tired of Victorian quaintness, overly-cherubic Tiny Tims and adaptations that stick too close to the source material, enjoy these not-so-traditional takes on Scrooge starring actresses of range and dramatic depth from Tori Spelling to Barbie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>A Diva's Christmas Carol \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>(\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>2000)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRmGEP6UHV8]\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>Starring Vanessa Williams as \"Ebony\" Scrooge, a demanding pop diva that seems to be a little based on Diana Ross. Ebony's story: she was once part of a girl trio back home (ahem) and abandoned the other two girls for fame and fortune. Insert plot of \u003cem>Dreamgirls\u003c/em> as the fate of the other two. While climbing the show business ladder, Ebony becomes a cliche of a mean person, and holiday antics ensue. In a nice contemporary touch, Bob Cratchit is played as Ebony's much abused personal assistant because apparently PAs are the new go-to for representing class struggle. It's kind of fun to see Wilhelmina being exactly like she was on \u003cem>Ugly Betty\u003c/em> but in a holiday context. Drawbacks? Anytime anyone else is on screen. Oh wait, strike that: Kathy Griffin is the Ghost of Christmas past. A Kathy Griffin made-for-TV-cameo is always a indicator that the gays behind the scenes at whatever family-friendly network this was made for were having some fun.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Ebbie\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> (1994)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTgmKmGWEAU\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Starring Susan Lucci as Elizabeth \"Ebbie\" Scrooge. To my findings, this is the first made-for-TV gender reversal of Scrooge on record! If we were ready for a lady Scrooge in 1994, I think we're more than ready to see women in other roles from Dickens traditionally played by men (I'm looking at you, possible Jennifer Lawrence as \u003cem>David Copperfield\u003c/em> adaptation!). Ebbie owns a department store and is mean to everyone. This was understandable in 1994, as Lucci had yet to win that longed for Daytime Emmy for her role as Erika Kane on \u003cem>All My Children\u003c/em>. Sadly, this performance too was overlooked by the television academy. After you watch, you'll see why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Ms. Scrooge\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>(1997)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCy3krfLU4Q]\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>Starring Cicely Tyson as \"Ebenita\" Scrooge. While this version may not get to claim the distinction of first lady Scrooge on TV, it does get to be the first African American lady version of Scrooge in a TV film, so that's something! Either Cicely Tyson is an amazing actress or she's just an amazingly unhappy person in real life (we're going to say amazing actress) because her Ebenita (the president of a loan company in this telling) is one of the meanest and most miserable depictions of the character ever portrayed. I think someone forgot to tell Ms. Tyson this wasn't Pinter; she's performing like this is a much better movie. Stop with the subtext, Cicely, your nuance is throwing this entire movie off balance! For a little levity, Mona from \u003cem>Who's the Boss?\u003c/em> is the ghost of Marley and she seems to be on loan from a different version altogether.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>A Carol Christmas\u003c/em> (2003) \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDQNbQSJLwo\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Starring Tori Spelling as Carol Cartman. Get it? \u003cem>A Carol Christmas\u003c/em> because her name is Carol! Tori Spelling picks up the torch as lady Scrooge with this telling about a talk show host who hates Christmas! Grrrr! Also, she is mean to everyone, so mean that only a visit from William Shatner and Gary Coleman as ghosts will scare the nice back into her! That would probably be pretty effective actually. If William Shatner and Gary Coleman materialized in my house and told me to stop being a miserable person, I know I'd ask myself some serious questions about my life choices. This is the best Tori Spelling performance since \u003cem>The House of Yes\u003c/em> but not quite up to her work as Tori Spelling in \u003cem>So NoTorious\u003c/em>. Also, do you get the feeling that when she's trying to be mean in this movie she's doing a Shannon Doherty impression?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>It's Christmas, Carol!\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>(2012)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wScyIvPiBU]\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>At first I wasn't sure if Carrie Fisher was playing Scrooge or Marley, but it actually wasn't that important. Just think about it: Carrie \"Wishful Drinking\" Fisher in a version of \u003cem>A Christmas Carol\u003c/em>. That's almost as good as my dream to one day remake \u003cem>It's a Wonderful Life\u003c/em> with Fran Lebowitz as Clarence the guardian angel, only in this version she points out how much more fun Bedford Falls was in the alternative timeline. Anyway, Carrie's role is Eve (as in Christmas) and she's an amalgamation of Marley Past, Present and Future due to \"budget cuts.\" I was pretty much won over that. This is up there with \u003cem>Drop Dead Fred\u003c/em> when it comes to Fisher partially eye-rolling her way through a performance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>Barbie in A Christmas Carol \u003c/em>(2008)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnG-E5UramU]\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>Starring a CGI Barbie as Eden Starling, our Scrooge stand-in. Part of the \"Barbie in great roles of literature\" series, the doll herself stars as a selfish Victorian actress loosely based on Ebenezer Scrooge. I feel like there's a joke here comparing one of the other actresses to the CGI children's toy (Tori Spelling would be the obvious candidate), but it's Christmas, have a heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Kelly Clarkson's Cautionary Christmas Music Tale\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>(2013)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4gmW4EKlJI]\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special is billed as a take on Dickens with Kelly as a lady Scrooge. Break a leg, Kelly; here's hoping you don't end up like that other cautionary tale a.k.a. Carrie Underwood's \u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/12/05/what-you-dont-know-about-the-sound-of-music/\">\u003cem>The\u003c/em> \u003cem>Sound of Music Live\u003c/em>\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"A look back at the best (a.k.a. worst) made-for-TV Christmas Carol adaptations, starring Tori Spelling, Susan Lucci, Vanessa Williams, and more!","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1543872555,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":20,"wordCount":1150},"headData":{"title":"A Guide to Made-for-TV Christmas Carol Adaptations, Past, Present and Future | KQED","description":"A look back at the best (a.k.a. worst) made-for-TV Christmas Carol adaptations, starring Tori Spelling, Susan Lucci, Vanessa Williams, and more!","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"A Guide to Made-for-TV Christmas Carol Adaptations, Past, Present and Future","datePublished":"2013-12-12T16:01:29.000Z","dateModified":"2018-12-03T21:29:15.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"10113 http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/?p=10113","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2013/12/12/a-guide-to-made-for-tv-christmas-carols-past-present-and-future/","disqusTitle":"A Guide to Made-for-TV Christmas Carol Adaptations, Past, Present and Future","path":"/pop/10113/a-guide-to-made-for-tv-christmas-carols-past-present-and-future","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_10185\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/12/12/a-guide-to-made-for-tv-christmas-carols-past-present-and-future/christmas-carol/\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-10185\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-10185\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/christmas-carol.png\" alt=\"christmas-carol\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/christmas-carol.png 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/12/christmas-carol-400x225.png 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Carson Kressley and Carrie Fisher in \u003cem>It's Christmas, Carol!\u003c/em> Photo: The Hallmark Channel\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Some people love Charles Dickens' immortal holiday classic \u003cem>A Christmas Carol.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Some of us aim a little lower.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Every December, KQED, TCM, BBC and all the other dignified networks air the most beloved adaptations of the celebrated novel for the holidays, including the Joseph L. Mankiewicz scripted 1938 American adaptation, 1951's \u003cem>Scrooge\u003c/em> \u003ca href=\"http://www.nytimes.com/video/movies/1194835382819/critics-picks-a-christmas-carol.html\">(a film \u003cem>New York Times\u003c/em> film critic A.O. Scott names as one of the best adaptations)\u003c/a>, the 1970 Albert Finney musical, not to mention \u003cem>Mickey's Christmas Carol\u003c/em> from 1983 (with Scrooge McDuck, obviously) and the 1992 Muppet adaptation with Michael Caine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then there's the fare on Lifetime, WE, Hallmark, ABC Family and every other non-Masterpiece channel you can think of. An entire sub-industry in the made-for-TV-movie genre apparently exists solely to make updated versions of \u003cem>A Christmas Carol\u003c/em> but, you know, starring a woman and entirely shot in Canada for under $100,000. For those of you that are tired of Victorian quaintness, overly-cherubic Tiny Tims and adaptations that stick too close to the source material, enjoy these not-so-traditional takes on Scrooge starring actresses of range and dramatic depth from Tori Spelling to Barbie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>A Diva's Christmas Carol \u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong>(\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>2000)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/RRmGEP6UHV8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/RRmGEP6UHV8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>Starring Vanessa Williams as \"Ebony\" Scrooge, a demanding pop diva that seems to be a little based on Diana Ross. Ebony's story: she was once part of a girl trio back home (ahem) and abandoned the other two girls for fame and fortune. Insert plot of \u003cem>Dreamgirls\u003c/em> as the fate of the other two. While climbing the show business ladder, Ebony becomes a cliche of a mean person, and holiday antics ensue. In a nice contemporary touch, Bob Cratchit is played as Ebony's much abused personal assistant because apparently PAs are the new go-to for representing class struggle. It's kind of fun to see Wilhelmina being exactly like she was on \u003cem>Ugly Betty\u003c/em> but in a holiday context. Drawbacks? Anytime anyone else is on screen. Oh wait, strike that: Kathy Griffin is the Ghost of Christmas past. A Kathy Griffin made-for-TV-cameo is always a indicator that the gays behind the scenes at whatever family-friendly network this was made for were having some fun.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Ebbie\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003cstrong> (1994)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/rTgmKmGWEAU'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/rTgmKmGWEAU'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Starring Susan Lucci as Elizabeth \"Ebbie\" Scrooge. To my findings, this is the first made-for-TV gender reversal of Scrooge on record! If we were ready for a lady Scrooge in 1994, I think we're more than ready to see women in other roles from Dickens traditionally played by men (I'm looking at you, possible Jennifer Lawrence as \u003cem>David Copperfield\u003c/em> adaptation!). Ebbie owns a department store and is mean to everyone. This was understandable in 1994, as Lucci had yet to win that longed for Daytime Emmy for her role as Erika Kane on \u003cem>All My Children\u003c/em>. Sadly, this performance too was overlooked by the television academy. After you watch, you'll see why.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Ms. Scrooge\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>(1997)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/NCy3krfLU4Q'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/NCy3krfLU4Q'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>Starring Cicely Tyson as \"Ebenita\" Scrooge. While this version may not get to claim the distinction of first lady Scrooge on TV, it does get to be the first African American lady version of Scrooge in a TV film, so that's something! Either Cicely Tyson is an amazing actress or she's just an amazingly unhappy person in real life (we're going to say amazing actress) because her Ebenita (the president of a loan company in this telling) is one of the meanest and most miserable depictions of the character ever portrayed. I think someone forgot to tell Ms. Tyson this wasn't Pinter; she's performing like this is a much better movie. Stop with the subtext, Cicely, your nuance is throwing this entire movie off balance! For a little levity, Mona from \u003cem>Who's the Boss?\u003c/em> is the ghost of Marley and she seems to be on loan from a different version altogether.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>A Carol Christmas\u003c/em> (2003) \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/mDQNbQSJLwo'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/mDQNbQSJLwo'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Starring Tori Spelling as Carol Cartman. Get it? \u003cem>A Carol Christmas\u003c/em> because her name is Carol! Tori Spelling picks up the torch as lady Scrooge with this telling about a talk show host who hates Christmas! Grrrr! Also, she is mean to everyone, so mean that only a visit from William Shatner and Gary Coleman as ghosts will scare the nice back into her! That would probably be pretty effective actually. If William Shatner and Gary Coleman materialized in my house and told me to stop being a miserable person, I know I'd ask myself some serious questions about my life choices. This is the best Tori Spelling performance since \u003cem>The House of Yes\u003c/em> but not quite up to her work as Tori Spelling in \u003cem>So NoTorious\u003c/em>. Also, do you get the feeling that when she's trying to be mean in this movie she's doing a Shannon Doherty impression?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>It's Christmas, Carol!\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>(2012)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/7wScyIvPiBU'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/7wScyIvPiBU'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>At first I wasn't sure if Carrie Fisher was playing Scrooge or Marley, but it actually wasn't that important. Just think about it: Carrie \"Wishful Drinking\" Fisher in a version of \u003cem>A Christmas Carol\u003c/em>. That's almost as good as my dream to one day remake \u003cem>It's a Wonderful Life\u003c/em> with Fran Lebowitz as Clarence the guardian angel, only in this version she points out how much more fun Bedford Falls was in the alternative timeline. Anyway, Carrie's role is Eve (as in Christmas) and she's an amalgamation of Marley Past, Present and Future due to \"budget cuts.\" I was pretty much won over that. This is up there with \u003cem>Drop Dead Fred\u003c/em> when it comes to Fisher partially eye-rolling her way through a performance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>Barbie in A Christmas Carol \u003c/em>(2008)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/JnG-E5UramU'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/JnG-E5UramU'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>Starring a CGI Barbie as Eden Starling, our Scrooge stand-in. Part of the \"Barbie in great roles of literature\" series, the doll herself stars as a selfish Victorian actress loosely based on Ebenezer Scrooge. I feel like there's a joke here comparing one of the other actresses to the CGI children's toy (Tori Spelling would be the obvious candidate), but it's Christmas, have a heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Kelly Clarkson's Cautionary Christmas Music Tale\u003c/strong>\u003c/em> \u003cstrong>(2013)\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/I4gmW4EKlJI'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/I4gmW4EKlJI'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kelly Clarkson's Christmas special is billed as a take on Dickens with Kelly as a lady Scrooge. Break a leg, Kelly; here's hoping you don't end up like that other cautionary tale a.k.a. Carrie Underwood's \u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/12/05/what-you-dont-know-about-the-sound-of-music/\">\u003cem>The\u003c/em> \u003cem>Sound of Music Live\u003c/em>\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/10113/a-guide-to-made-for-tv-christmas-carols-past-present-and-future","authors":["2436"],"categories":["pop_3"],"tags":["pop_259","pop_1401","pop_1136","pop_1402"],"featImg":"pop_10185","label":"pop"},"pop_7673":{"type":"posts","id":"pop_7673","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"pop","id":"7673","score":null,"sort":[1377090057000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics","title":"Once in a 'Lifetime:' New Made-for-TV Camp Classics","publishDate":1377090057,"format":"aside","headTitle":"KQED Pop | KQED Arts","labelTerm":{"site":"pop"},"content":"\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_7719\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/08/21/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics/anna/\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-7719\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-7719\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/anna.jpg\" alt=\"From Lifetime's "Anna Nicole." Photo: Lifetime Television\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/anna.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/anna-400x225.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">From Lifetime's \"Anna Nicole.\" Photo: Lifetime Television\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Dear Lifetime, Television for Women (and Gay Men): we're back on speaking terms. I can finally forgive you for nixing \u003cem>Designing Women\u003c/em> and \u003cem>The Golden Girls\u003c/em> from your regular lineup (although I will never forget that you inflicted reruns of \u003cem>Reba\u003c/em> on the unsuspecting public). No, sorry, I never got into \u003cem>Dance Moms\u003c/em>; I grew up in kiddie theater and have seen too many productions of \u003cem>Gypsy\u003c/em> to get any enjoyment out of that show. In this last year you have revived one of the most truly American art forms and with it, you've revived my affection for your channel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hallelujah, the made-for-television movie has been reborn!\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003ciframe src=\"//www.youtube.com/embed/Rphbj8yq9iU\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>I'll admit, it didn't look promising at first. La Lohan's \u003cem>Liz and Dick\u003c/em> was beyond disappointing (\"\u003ca href=\"http://nobodyputsbabyinahorner.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/tumblr_me4a4pkx1w1qazkdco1_500.gif\">I'm bored! I'm so bored!\u003c/a>\" Lohan as Liz screams midway through the film, mirroring the audience at home) and the \u003cem>Steel Magnolias\u003c/em> remake (or as I like to call it, \u003cem>Tyler Perry's House of Magnolias\u003c/em>, not because of the all African American cast but because of the churchy tone and lack of coherent direction) sent me running back to the original to cleanse the aftertaste of Queen Latifah from my palate. Those films are nothing more than the labor pains that preceded the birth of your two genre homage masterpieces of 2013: your telefilm biopics of those two media sensations we all secretly love. Anna Nicole Smith and Jodi Arias.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If ever there were women destined for the made-for-television-movie treatment, it's these two. One is a bombshell tabloid queen that's received more air time for her troubled romances and over-the-top antics than anyone since Marilyn Monroe. The other is Anna Nicole Smith. But seriously, stalker, codependent and convicted boyfriend murderess Arias has the kind of story that recalls the early '90s glory days of the genre when \u003cem>A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story\u003c/em> and dueling \u003cem>Amy Fisher: Long Island Lolita\u003c/em> movies populated the airwaves as freely as reality shows do now. It even has a worthy subtitle (a must for a mftv classic) \u003cem>Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret\u003c/em>. It's a subtitle the exploitative (but still commercial TV friendly) sex scenes, melodrama and eventual shower murder more than live up to. This movie was \u003cem>my\u003c/em> \"dirty little secret\" from the minute it aired and it can be yours too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003ciframe src=\"//www.youtube.com/embed/Xhj4Du7bOU0\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>By contrast, \u003cem>Anna Nicole\u003c/em> (directed by \u003cem>I Shot Andy Warhol\u003c/em>\u003cem> \u003c/em>and \u003cem>American Psycho\u003c/em> auteur Mary Harron with all the mirth of a high-born bohemian slumming it across the tracks for a night) goes as avant-garde as the format will allow. Instead of just depicting the rise and fall of America's favorite gerontophiliac Playmate, we get a glimpse inside the short life of Anna Nicole Smith, a.k.a. Vicki Lynn Hogan, and the constant Norma Jean/Marilyn struggle of duality at play. But remember, this is still Lifetime so it's extremely literal. Young Vicki Lynn knows she's born to be something greater than a flat-chested chicken fry girl when the buxom future ghost of Anna Nicole Smith materializes to her in the trailer park mirror (a \u003cem>future ghost\u003c/em>, get it? I've asked a Dickens scholar to get back to me on the specifics of that one). And the fame tortured Anna Nicole knows she's lost herself when a young Vicki Lynn appears to her in the lush gilded mirrors of Hollywood shaking her head in dismay. The day Lifetime decided to start embracing the cliches of the genre and their own network is the day a thousand drinking games were born.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003ciframe src=\"//www.youtube.com/embed/Xwyoy-obNfg\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>It looks like the fun is just beginning. The channel has just announced that this October we can look forward to Gina Gershon in \u003cem>House of Versace\u003c/em>, a film that mixes high class credentials (it's based on a best selling book by \u003cem>Wall Street Journal\u003c/em> writer Deborah Ball) with all the spectacle we love about Lifetime (it's the story of the \u003cem>Versace\u003c/em> family, after all). Gershon promises to be an inspired choice for the film's lead role, Donatella Versace (we hope there's a \u003cem>Game Change\u003c/em> moment where Gina/Donatella watches Maya Rudolph as her SNL alter ego a la Julianne Moore/Sarah Palin watching Tina Fey). And who isn't looking forward to Raquel Welsh as Versace matriarch Aunt Lucia? Crystal Connors and Myra Breckinridge together in one film: the gods of camp have smiled upon us all. Just in time for Halloween!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if that wasn't enough, the channel has also announced their upcoming remake of the V.C. Andrews incest classic \u003cem>Flowers in the Attic,\u003c/em> which everyone and their brother will secretly watch (sorry, had to got here) just to see how far into the \"ick\" territory Lifetime will go. We'd watch this remake no matter who was in it, but the fact that \u003cem>Mad Men\u003c/em> juvenile lead Kiernan Shipka will be starring as ballerina turned brother-lover Cathy Dollanger has us setting our DVR a year in advance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Please, Lifetime: don't lose your nerve now that you're on a roll. Isn't there a Nancy Grace movie or a Courtney Love/Madonna remake of \u003cem>Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?\u003c/em> you need to be busily at work on? If you make that happen, I'll even forgive the Bristol Palin reality show.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Lifetime, television for women (and gay men), has finally embraced its trashy made-for-TV movie magic and turned it into an art form.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1382053980,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":10,"wordCount":949},"headData":{"title":"Once in a 'Lifetime:' New Made-for-TV Camp Classics | KQED","description":"Lifetime, television for women (and gay men), has finally embraced its trashy made-for-TV movie magic and turned it into an art form.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Once in a 'Lifetime:' New Made-for-TV Camp Classics","datePublished":"2013-08-21T13:00:57.000Z","dateModified":"2013-10-17T23:53:00.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"7673 http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/?p=7673","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2013/08/21/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics/","disqusTitle":"Once in a 'Lifetime:' New Made-for-TV Camp Classics","path":"/pop/7673/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_7719\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://blogs.kqed.org/pop/2013/08/21/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics/anna/\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-7719\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-7719\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/anna.jpg\" alt=\"From Lifetime's "Anna Nicole." Photo: Lifetime Television\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/anna.jpg 640w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/anna-400x225.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">From Lifetime's \"Anna Nicole.\" Photo: Lifetime Television\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Dear Lifetime, Television for Women (and Gay Men): we're back on speaking terms. I can finally forgive you for nixing \u003cem>Designing Women\u003c/em> and \u003cem>The Golden Girls\u003c/em> from your regular lineup (although I will never forget that you inflicted reruns of \u003cem>Reba\u003c/em> on the unsuspecting public). No, sorry, I never got into \u003cem>Dance Moms\u003c/em>; I grew up in kiddie theater and have seen too many productions of \u003cem>Gypsy\u003c/em> to get any enjoyment out of that show. In this last year you have revived one of the most truly American art forms and with it, you've revived my affection for your channel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hallelujah, the made-for-television movie has been reborn!\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003ciframe src=\"//www.youtube.com/embed/Rphbj8yq9iU\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>I'll admit, it didn't look promising at first. La Lohan's \u003cem>Liz and Dick\u003c/em> was beyond disappointing (\"\u003ca href=\"http://nobodyputsbabyinahorner.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/tumblr_me4a4pkx1w1qazkdco1_500.gif\">I'm bored! I'm so bored!\u003c/a>\" Lohan as Liz screams midway through the film, mirroring the audience at home) and the \u003cem>Steel Magnolias\u003c/em> remake (or as I like to call it, \u003cem>Tyler Perry's House of Magnolias\u003c/em>, not because of the all African American cast but because of the churchy tone and lack of coherent direction) sent me running back to the original to cleanse the aftertaste of Queen Latifah from my palate. Those films are nothing more than the labor pains that preceded the birth of your two genre homage masterpieces of 2013: your telefilm biopics of those two media sensations we all secretly love. Anna Nicole Smith and Jodi Arias.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If ever there were women destined for the made-for-television-movie treatment, it's these two. One is a bombshell tabloid queen that's received more air time for her troubled romances and over-the-top antics than anyone since Marilyn Monroe. The other is Anna Nicole Smith. But seriously, stalker, codependent and convicted boyfriend murderess Arias has the kind of story that recalls the early '90s glory days of the genre when \u003cem>A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story\u003c/em> and dueling \u003cem>Amy Fisher: Long Island Lolita\u003c/em> movies populated the airwaves as freely as reality shows do now. It even has a worthy subtitle (a must for a mftv classic) \u003cem>Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret\u003c/em>. It's a subtitle the exploitative (but still commercial TV friendly) sex scenes, melodrama and eventual shower murder more than live up to. This movie was \u003cem>my\u003c/em> \"dirty little secret\" from the minute it aired and it can be yours too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003ciframe src=\"//www.youtube.com/embed/Xhj4Du7bOU0\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>By contrast, \u003cem>Anna Nicole\u003c/em> (directed by \u003cem>I Shot Andy Warhol\u003c/em>\u003cem> \u003c/em>and \u003cem>American Psycho\u003c/em> auteur Mary Harron with all the mirth of a high-born bohemian slumming it across the tracks for a night) goes as avant-garde as the format will allow. Instead of just depicting the rise and fall of America's favorite gerontophiliac Playmate, we get a glimpse inside the short life of Anna Nicole Smith, a.k.a. Vicki Lynn Hogan, and the constant Norma Jean/Marilyn struggle of duality at play. But remember, this is still Lifetime so it's extremely literal. Young Vicki Lynn knows she's born to be something greater than a flat-chested chicken fry girl when the buxom future ghost of Anna Nicole Smith materializes to her in the trailer park mirror (a \u003cem>future ghost\u003c/em>, get it? I've asked a Dickens scholar to get back to me on the specifics of that one). And the fame tortured Anna Nicole knows she's lost herself when a young Vicki Lynn appears to her in the lush gilded mirrors of Hollywood shaking her head in dismay. The day Lifetime decided to start embracing the cliches of the genre and their own network is the day a thousand drinking games were born.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"single-video\">\u003ciframe src=\"//www.youtube.com/embed/Xwyoy-obNfg\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>\n\u003cp>It looks like the fun is just beginning. The channel has just announced that this October we can look forward to Gina Gershon in \u003cem>House of Versace\u003c/em>, a film that mixes high class credentials (it's based on a best selling book by \u003cem>Wall Street Journal\u003c/em> writer Deborah Ball) with all the spectacle we love about Lifetime (it's the story of the \u003cem>Versace\u003c/em> family, after all). Gershon promises to be an inspired choice for the film's lead role, Donatella Versace (we hope there's a \u003cem>Game Change\u003c/em> moment where Gina/Donatella watches Maya Rudolph as her SNL alter ego a la Julianne Moore/Sarah Palin watching Tina Fey). And who isn't looking forward to Raquel Welsh as Versace matriarch Aunt Lucia? Crystal Connors and Myra Breckinridge together in one film: the gods of camp have smiled upon us all. Just in time for Halloween!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As if that wasn't enough, the channel has also announced their upcoming remake of the V.C. Andrews incest classic \u003cem>Flowers in the Attic,\u003c/em> which everyone and their brother will secretly watch (sorry, had to got here) just to see how far into the \"ick\" territory Lifetime will go. We'd watch this remake no matter who was in it, but the fact that \u003cem>Mad Men\u003c/em> juvenile lead Kiernan Shipka will be starring as ballerina turned brother-lover Cathy Dollanger has us setting our DVR a year in advance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Please, Lifetime: don't lose your nerve now that you're on a roll. Isn't there a Nancy Grace movie or a Courtney Love/Madonna remake of \u003cem>Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?\u003c/em> you need to be busily at work on? If you make that happen, I'll even forgive the Bristol Palin reality show.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/pop/7673/once-in-a-lifetime-new-made-for-tv-camp-classics","authors":["2436"],"categories":["pop_5"],"tags":["pop_1137","pop_706","pop_1136","pop_1138"],"featImg":"pop_7719","label":"pop"}},"programsReducer":{"possible":{"id":"possible","title":"Possible","info":"Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.","airtime":"SUN 2pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Possible-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.possible.fm/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"Possible"},"link":"/radio/program/possible","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/possible/id1677184070","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/730YpdUSNlMyPQwNnyjp4k"}},"1a":{"id":"1a","title":"1A","info":"1A is home to the national conversation. 1A brings on great guests and frames the best debate in ways that make you think, share and engage.","airtime":"MON-THU 11pm-12am","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/1a.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://the1a.org/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/1a","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=1188724250&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/1A-p947376/","rss":"https://feeds.npr.org/510316/podcast.xml"}},"all-things-considered":{"id":"all-things-considered","title":"All Things Considered","info":"Every weekday, \u003cem>All Things Considered\u003c/em> hosts Robert Siegel, Audie Cornish, Ari Shapiro, and Kelly McEvers present the program's trademark mix of news, interviews, commentaries, reviews, and offbeat features. Michel Martin hosts on the weekends.","airtime":"MON-FRI 1pm-2pm, 4:30pm-6:30pm\u003cbr />SAT-SUN 5pm-6pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/All-Things-Considered-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.npr.org/programs/all-things-considered/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/all-things-considered"},"american-suburb-podcast":{"id":"american-suburb-podcast","title":"American Suburb: The Podcast","tagline":"The flip side of gentrification, told through one town","info":"Gentrification is changing cities across America, forcing people from neighborhoods they have long called home. Call them the displaced. Now those priced out of the Bay Area are looking for a better life in an unlikely place. American Suburb follows this migration to one California town along the Delta, 45 miles from San Francisco. But is this once sleepy suburb ready for them?","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/American-Suburb-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"/news/series/american-suburb-podcast","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"13"},"link":"/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?mt=2&id=1287748328","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/American-Suburb-p1086805/","rss":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/feed/podcast","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkMzMDExODgxNjA5"}},"baycurious":{"id":"baycurious","title":"Bay Curious","tagline":"Exploring the Bay Area, one question at a time","info":"KQED’s new podcast, Bay Curious, gets to the bottom of the mysteries — both profound and peculiar — that give the Bay Area its unique identity. And we’ll do it with your help! You ask the questions. You decide what Bay Curious investigates. 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You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Mindshift-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg","imageAlt":"KQED MindShift: How We Will Learn","officialWebsiteLink":"/mindshift/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"2"},"link":"/podcasts/mindshift","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mindshift-podcast/id1078765985","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM1NzY0NjAwNDI5","npr":"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/464615685/mind-shift-podcast","stitcher":"https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/stories-teachers-share","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/0MxSpNYZKNprFLCl7eEtyx"}},"morning-edition":{"id":"morning-edition","title":"Morning Edition","info":"\u003cem>Morning Edition\u003c/em> takes listeners around the country and the world with multi-faceted stories and commentaries every weekday. 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On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. 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