Acceptance Speeches 101: How Winners Could Make the Oscars Way Less Boring

Every year, I get excited about the Oscars. And, every year, about 7 minutes into the ceremony, a familiar realization comes flooding back: Oh, yeah! Award shows are super duper boring! The main culprit: the uninspired acceptance speeches that often are just a long list of random people's names. So, in an attempt to make a better world, I've compiled a list of dos and don'ts for future award winners to make the most of their stage time:

Do show your endearing humanity by cackling uncontrollably à la Julia Roberts:

Do make sure you're charming enough to pull off threatening to kidnap and have sex with everyone in the audience, like Roberto Benigni did:

Do use Maya Angelou as an excuse to go HAM on everyone, like Fiona Apple:

Do have a modicum of chill, unlike Sally Field's infamous YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME!!! speech:

Do bring some 'tude like when Taraji P. Henson refused to be rushed by the Golden Globe producers:

Do kill your haters with cuteness like Ruth Gordon:

Do not say something insufferable and follow it up by hooting like a drunken frat boy:

Do pull a Cuba Gooding Jr. and refuse to be played off by saying "I love you" a billion times:

Do double check to make sure that the gay men you thank are actually out, something Tom Hanks forgot to do:

Do realize that kissing your sibling on the lips and then saying you're in love with them will lead to incest rumors:

Do use your acceptance speech time to do some cardio:

Do leave them wanting more: