Let's Overanalyze Kim Kardashian's MySpace Page from 2006

US Weekly isn't good for much, other than livening up waiting rooms and grocery store lines, but our heartfelt thanks go out to them for unearthing Kim Kardashian's MySpace page from 2006. We like to forget that dark time when we all brutally ranked our family and friends, but the Internet never forgets. Let's take some time to overanalyze this candy-colored time capsule.

The username: In 2006, Kim was Paris Hilton's closet organizer or whatever, so it makes sense that some of Hilton's entitlement would rub off. "Heiress" is already being used by Paris and there's no cutesy title for daughter of O.J. Simpson's lawyer so Princess Kimberly and myspace.com/kimisaprincess it is!

The color: Pink can be tastefully done (see: Gwen Stefani's 2000 hair) or it can give you the queasy feeling of eating too much cotton candy. Kim's profile is the latter.

The tagline: Good grief, Kimberly. "I'm a PRINCESS and you're not so there!"? No wonder you only had 856 friends. Points for using the right you're though.

The top 8: The first three slots are reserved for family (Kourtney, Rob and stepbrother Brody) and the fourth is for Ray J, former boyfriend/sex tape collaborator. But where's Khloe?! The unexciting answer is maybe she didn't have a MySpace. The answer I'm going to go with is that they were feuding. Lest we forget that time Kim beat Khloe with a purse or sent her a profanity-laden email just for waking her up. (If the F word upsets you, avert your eyes.)

The stats: No Catfishing here. Kim is pretty honest in this department. Things we know for sure: she's petite, Christian, definitely straight (especially considering how freaked out by lesbianism she is), and doesn't drink, despite her early party girl reputation. Kim gets bonus points for being a Libra, the fairest zodiac sign of them all. (Full disclosure: the author of this article is a major Libra and heavily biased.)

The About Me section: A princess doesn't have to explain herself so this part of the profile remains blank, save for a plug for Pimp-My-Profile.com. I dare you to find something more mid-aughts than that.

The Who I'd Like to Meet section: Kim wants to meet God. So she either had a death wish or was super psychic about meeting her future husband Yeezus. Praise him.