telegraph.co.uk
Photo: Columbia Pictures

 AMERICAN HUSTLE

Whoa, you’re a feisty one who may have been the kingpin behind your high school’s senior prank (glue in all the locks, genius!). You sift through vintage clothes, cut them up and make them worthy of a 3am dance floor. Chances are you play an instrument. Probably the electric guitar or maybe even the drums. If you don’t have a significant other, it’s because the world is your oyster and your oyster ain’t got no time for that. If you do have that special someone, they know how to party and I’m not talking sipping whiskey and dancing on a pool table, I’m talking breaking a bottle of Jameson and eating the glass kind of partying. You’re hella legit.

 

blogs.indiewire.com
Photo: Columbia Pictures

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

If you had a pet, it wouldn’t be a kitten or even a cat, it would be a tiger, like a big yellow creature just roaming around your house eating your couch. Because that’s how brave you are. You drink a ton of water, like two liters in the morning, two for lunch, and two more before you put your jammies on. It’s how you keep yourself focused and in such good shape. Your friends look to you when they are having relationship issues because you are not only a natural born leader, but a mentor as well. An enormous sea keeping you from what you want? Boom! Like Moses. You don’t give up. You try to visit your grandparents as much as possible.

 

slate.com
Photo: Focus Features

DALLAS BUYERS CLUB

Well you sure know how to raise hell. And good for you! There’s a time and place for that hell raising and you know it well. You rock / paper / scissors whenever a decision needs to be made. There’s luck and there’s fate. You won’t ask a stranger for directions, even if you dropped your iPhone down a sewer. Eventually, you figure, you’ll get to where you need to be. At one point in your life, you could eat a fat steak everyday, but now you’re opting for leaner meats and fishes. You want to retire in a place like Montana with a German Shepherd and a giant sky. You believe change to be not only the nickels in your pocket.

 

filmdoctor.co.uk
Photo: Warner Bros.

GRAVITY

When everyone else in the world is walking to work or to the gym or to the supermarket, you’re floating there. Like an inch off the ground and super hard to tell but still floating. You’re a dreamer. When you were a little kid and your mother tucked you in at night and closed the door behind her, you climbed out your window onto your roof and tried to kiss the moon. People tend to use the word adore when it comes to you. But don’t let anyone assume you’re a pushover because that’s just not true. You can do back flips if it came to it. You could ride in an elevator all day.

 

fullstart.com
Photo: Warner Bros.

HER

There’s the center of the room and then there’s you. No big whoop. Shy is cute and cute is hot. When it comes to Friday, you’d rather be tending to a midnight garden than riding the vodka train. You appreciate Phillip Glass and also actual glass, like mirrors. You can’t sleep without a humidifier, an air purifier, and a fan running all at once. You have a short fuse, but are working it out each day. You’ve seen every Nova and only read newspapers. Jeans everyday is cool enough. You search for hidden meaning in every crossword puzzle. You dig shapes and design and can point out fonts on billboards. Love and pain, you believe, are fleeting.

 

seattleite.com
Photo: Paramount Vantage

NEBRASKA

You keep your living room light dim. When two roads diverge in a yellow wood, you flip a coin. You could go to the same restaurant and order the same BLT every night and be totally okay with that. The sound of a refrigerator humming makes you happy. You bleach your tee shirts. If someone calls you on the phone, you say “Yeah” instead of “Hello.” You stopped watching The Price is Right when Bob Barker retired. You’re wary of people with weak handshakes.

 

theguardian.com
Photo: The Weinstein Co.

PHILOMENA

OMG you love your mother so much and that’s super cute. You grew up somewhat conservative — pleated pants, parted hair, perfect lawn — but met some really interesting people in college and now see the world for what it is. You admire that Olympian for taking in those stray puppies because you would have done the same. You’ve kept several bonsais alive. You think coffee is cool, but tea is older. You smoke one cigarette a year and it’s usually around the holidays. Your lock screen code is “1234.” You fall asleep in rocking chairs.

 

Photo: Fox Searchlight
Photo: Fox Searchlight

12 YEARS A SLAVE

You appreciate classical music and the way light hits your eyes in the morning. You enjoy biographies and stories of everyday people. Your friends see you as calm and collected, but know there’s always a fire burning within you. You definitely want children and you definitely want to give them the world. You rock the history questions on Jeopardy and can recite the U.S. presidents in chronological order. You believe in some kind of higher power.

 

vice.com
Photo: Paramount Pictures

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

You actually do kiss your mother with that mouth. You have expensive taste. When it comes to restaurants, you always pick the ones with four dollar signs. You consider Beyonce and Jay-Z among your contemporaries. You’re not a businessman, you’re a business, man. You claim to have invented the phrase, “All that glitters is gold.” You identify with Jay Gatsby. If you had to choose between saving yourself or saving the world, you’d write your answer down on a small piece of paper and swallow it. Sometimes you cry at night in bed, but hey, we all do. Your spirit animal is a hippo. You make it rain.

  • Laura Washington

    You have the wrong picture up for “12 years a Slave” That picture is from “Long Walk to Freedom.”

    • Emmanuel Hapsis

      Laura, thank you for catching that!

      • Montira Warran

        No, that is actually a scene from “12 Years a Slave”. I saw the movie and that scene in it. That is Chiwetel Ejiofor as Solomon, and the 2 men that Solomon ate dinner with on the night before he was kidnapped.

    • Montira Warran

      See below. The picture they have for “12 Years a Slave” is actually correct.

      • Emmanuel Hapsis

        Hi, Montira! The image Laura was referring to has been replaced by the one you see now :)

        • Montira Warran

          Hi Emmanuel. I shall retract/delete my other comments, as well as my “down” vote.

  • Laura Washington

    The picture they had up before was from another movie, they have since changed it.

Author

David Aloi

David Aloi was born and raised in Buffalo, New York where it snows like all the time. He attended college at SUNY Geneseo and received his MFA in creative writing at CCA in 2009. David enjoys things like balloons, cereal, tea, and running fast.

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