The smell of tanner and anti-anxiety medication in the air can only mean one thing; it’s award show season! Some people have church, some people have football; we have red carpets and acceptance speech mishaps. Last night’s Golden Globe Awards (the fun drunk cousin of the Oscars) was best summed up by co-host Tina Fey: it was “the beautiful mess we hoped it would be.” Fey and Amy Poehler (a winner herself last night for Parks and Recreation) were the buoyant and at times brilliant (see: Randy Fey) returning hosts that kept the Globes afloat. From an extremely over-eager maestro (almost no one finished their speech without the “get off the stage” string arrangement sounding like the buzz of a malaria-carrying tsetse fly in the ears of terrified celebrities) to winners that universally did not prepare speeches (is Hollywood suddenly so painfully humble that none of these people thought they could win?), it was an extremely mixed night. Here are some of our favorite moments from the 2014 Golden Globe Awards.

Amy and Tina’s Intro

Let’s be honest; ladies, you had me at “a very good evening to everyone here in the room and all the women and gay men watching at home.” That pretty much is every award show’s demographics. From Jean-Claude Van Damme references to Tina’s assessment that nominee Gravity was a film about “how George Clooney would rather float off into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age,” there was no sophomore slumping. After killing during the opening, Poehler and Fey seemingly disappeared for the duration of the show, popping up sporadically and then vanishing again to the show’s detriment. More hosting duties next year please; these ladies were too fleeting a treat.

Matt Damon, the Garbage Man

Photo: Tumblr
Photo: Tumblr

First of all, I think it’s newsworthy to note that Matt Damon has gained a certain amount of Clooney-esque gravitas with the steely grey low-lights he’s currently sporting at the temples (my Will Hunting has become quite the distinguished gentleman). Second, he played off being “basically, a garbage man” with all the charm he lent to that speedo in Beneath the Candelabra. Excuse me, Behind the Candelabra (that’s almost worse).

Calling the Corners

Photo: Perez Hilton
Photo: Perez Hilton

And Elisabeth Moss was undoubtedly going for the “Fairuza Balk in The Craft” look. And pulling it off, while flipping off the mani cam on the red carpet!

Jacqueline Bisset’s Anna Nicole Moment

Now this is what the Golden Globes are all about: making women in beaded ball gowns hike all the way from the hotel lobby to get their awards! Seriously, Best Actress in a Miniseries or Drama Jacqueline Bisset was seated somewhere near the personal assistants of bigger stars table in outer Siberia. Bisset’s complete and utter blank at the podium can probably be attributed to her exhaustion once she reached the stage. Also, remember, they serve booze at this show!

“I’ve Got Nothing”

The looks on Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie’s faces when their teleprompter loaded the wrong information were priceless. You would have sworn they were facing a firing squad instead of a television screen with the wrong words on it. We think “Margot Robbie” will be a thing now because of this.

Photo Bomb Trumps All

Okay, J-Law, photo-bombing Taylor Swift makes up for that Little Mermaid dress.

Small World, Isn’t It?

Don’t you just love it when you’re at an award show and the guy presenting the award is someone you partied with in St. Barts? Stars, they’re just like us.

Confidential to Bono

Couldn’t you take the sunglasses off inside? Also, of course U2 would write a song about Nelson Mandela; it makes so much sense. Also, it maybe looks a little lopsided that you wouldn’t kiss Diddy, but you full-on macked Amy Poehler upon her big win.

Melissa McCarthy Thinks She’s Matt Damon

It’s probably because of that new Clooney-esque gravitas I was mentioning.

And The Winner Is…Lorne Michaels

With SNL alumni Poehler and Fey hosting, Andy Samberg winning for Brooklyn 99, future Tonight Show and Late Night hosts Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers presenting, the Globes were really a testament to Michaels’ ability to pick talent.

Woody Allen Receives a Mixed Reaction

 

Diane Keaton was loopy and Annie Hall chic as she accepted the Cecil B. DeMille Award on behalf of friend Woody Allen. Allen’s ex, Mia Farrow (the two separated after Allen had an affair with Farrow’s daughter Soon-yi Previn, to whom he is now married, amid other abuse allegations) tweeted that she was “going for ice cream and switching to Girls” before the award was presented. Farrow and Allen’s son Ronan Farrow was more explicit.

Randy Fey

Photo: Tumblr
Photo: Tumblr

Clearly, Randy was the evening’s big winner. Amy Poehler is also first choice for new Justin Bieber biopic.

We Were Waiting for a Shia Joke

Jim Carrey’s quip about Shia LaBeouf’s plagiarism scandal(s) is the funniest he’s been in years. “Dying is easy, comedy is hard,” Carrey beamed to the crowd. “I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, so wise.”

Emma Thompson for Best Presenter

Shoes off, Carol Channing blond bouffant slightly mussed, fist clenched tightly around her martini, the Saving Mr. Banks nominee was our favorite presenter of the night.

Did No One Think They Might Win an Award Tonight?

Why wasn’t any winner prepared to make a speech this year when they got to the stage? Seriously, none of you thought you might possibly get an award tonight? I’ve been preparing an award show speech since I was six and carry it with me at all times just in case, but you professional actors who get nominated for awards didn’t think to do the same? Someone, take back their fame.

Is Herpes Ever Funny?

Kinda.

Seating and Music

With everyone seemingly having to hike great miles to get their awards and the music cutting every speech a third of the way through, let’s think about a change in the seating and music departments for next year, Hollywood Foreign Press.

Welcome Wagon

Photo: Tumblr
Photo: Tumblr

Best line of the night goes to whoever wrote the above for Tina Fey.

Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

A Judy Garland barbiturate joke? San Francisco must have rubbed off on her!

 

And that’s all, folks! See you at the Oscars!

Author

Tony Bravo

Tony Bravo is a San Francisco freelancer covering fashion, menswear, lifestyle and entertainment stories. He is a regular contributor to The Bold Italic and the San Francisco Chronicle's Style section.

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