What happens when people stop being polite and start getting real (all up in our backyard)? We’re about to find out when the 29th season (that’s not a typo) of The Real World premieres in early 2014. As you probably already know, seven wild and crazy kids have been fighting outside of bars, waiting for the bus, and playing sandbag games in Dolores Park for the past two months, but what was just announced this week is that the format is changing: the cast members will live in the house for a month, go away on a day trip, and return to find their exes have moved in! Contrived drama at its worst. To add insult to injury, the show has been re-coined The Real World: Ex-Plosion. (That rumble you feel is not an earthquake, but Virginia Woolf, James Joyce, Sylvia Plath and every other person who has ever respected the English language rolling in their graves).
In all honesty, I planned to watch this season after a decade-long sabbatical from the Real World series, mainly to see what was happening in the background of the boozy confessions and betrayals (I know that DJ! I used to live on that street! Is that me?!?). But this shameless gimmick is just too much to handle; a stunt like this would make sense in Las Vegas (the first season in that city was all about breaking up and making up), but to return to San Francisco where in 1993, Pedro Zamora taught the world (and even Bill Clinton) about what it’s like to live with HIV, is sacrilege, an erasure of the years when the program was actually an illuminating sociological experiment. This is the result of staying at the party so long that you wake up there the next afternoon. It’s embarrassing.
Sir Newton declared that “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Since MTV has put this toxic offering into the world, I feel it is my duty to make a counterbalance…by casting the only cast of exes worthy of living together on a television show.
Winona Ryder & Johnny Depp
Does any breakup get more heart-wrenching than this one? These two yearned for each other so intensely, almost as intensely as all of us wishing they would get back together someday. They have unfinished business to take care of (mainly making our ’90s grunge dreams come true). Thankfully, no matter what happens, their love lives on in the form of the most famous tattoo in pop culture.
Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake
Their union represented the innocence of pre 9-11 America. Unfortunately, they traded their matching basketball jerseys and denim outfits for pop songs calling each other out. Their entire relationship played itself out on MTV so it would make sense for them to reunite on the same network that made them famous in the first place.
Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston
America is still dealing with the scar tissue from this disastrous breakup. And we’re masochists so give us more (starting with an answer from Brad to the question: HOW COULD YOU?!).
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez
If we got these two back together, Ben would be too busy to ruin our lives with his impersonation of Batman! And we could dust off our Gigli jokes and relive that music video where Ben was obsessed with J. Lo’s butt on a yacht.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
This is the expose on Scientology we’ve all been waiting for. And those gay rumors are bound to come up! And maybe there will be references to Suri’s Burn Book!
Amy Poehler & Will Arnett
These two are invited to get over whatever silly reason tore them apart and renew our faith in love. No more funny business!
Taylor Swift & Everyone
The cast wouldn’t be complete without the Guinness World Record holder for most breakups for a person under 25. There could be a revolving door at the entrance to the house to accommodate all of Tay Tay’s past boos: pretentious hipster music loving Jake Gyllenhaal, creepy lothario with a guitar John Mayer, the second cutest One Direction member Harry Styles, and even that random high school age Kennedy!
Which exes would you cast?