Oh summer. What was once the season of fleeting love and less-than-quality television programming has turned, for those of us who are adults with jobs and Netflix, into the season of still-basically-single and pretty-great television. Because I am a positive/delusional person who likes to make lemons into imaginary lemonade, I have decided the best way to regain the romance of summer is by having imaginary relationships with the gentleman I see most frequently: the boys of TV. Since I am TV-polyamorous, I would like to share the wealth with you. Let me introduce you to my six favorite TV boyfriends of the summer. Please feel free to start dating them in your mind as soon as possible.
Jesse Pinkman on Breaking Bad
Boyfriend attributes: He’s sensitive, adorable and maybe not like traditionally smart but he’s definitely street smart. And sure he has had to murder people but it hurts him so much so you know he isn’t a sociopath. He loves kids so there’s great dad potential, as long as he keeps them away from stray or not-stray bullets… Also note: he’s totally been in love before and does NOT have a commitment problem!
Potential problems: Well, he’s a killer with an addiction problem but he’s been to rehab so no biggie and he only kills people who really have to die. He isn’t great at honesty but hey, if you need a challenge you can totally work on breaking down his meth/murder based walls.
Detective Stephen Holder on The Killing
Boyfriend attributes: Basically Holder is a taller Jesse Pinkman, living most of the time on the right side of the law. He’s sensitive and sooo brooding–he’s perfected a look my friend Audrey and I call “The Holder Smolder.” He’s got sweet tats that give him a nice bad boy edge but he’s great with children! Also, he’s a cop! He will protect you in like a really romantic way.
Potential problems: Another addict in recovery, this can go either way. If Holder keeps a handle on his demons this shouldn’t be an issue. Also, he smokes a lot but nobody’s perfect.
Neal Sampat on The Newsroom
Boyfriend attributes: He’s smart and cute and he stands up for good things and talks really fast. Yes, he live in the world of The Newsroom so it is a stupid, misogynistic, idealized world of fake two years ago, but in that world he’s about as good as it gets. Plus he’s great at the internet and cares about Occupy Wall Street!
Potential problems: Like I said, he exists in the universe of the worst show on TV so that could a deal breaker.
Vampire Eric Northman on True Blood
Boyfriend attributes: He’s a very old vampire so he knows a LOT of stuff (romantic stuff). He can literally fly! Since he’s immortal, he’s a big risk taker and once he drinks your blood and you drink his, he will know when you are in trouble and and come rescue you from werewolves or whatever you need rescuing from. On the other hand, he totally respects strong, powerful women so he will allow you to rescue him from time to time too.
Potential problems: He doesn’t eat food so that makes dinner weird. Also, he can’t walk in the sun which sucks if you are into romantic Mexican beach vacations. And there isn’t much long-term potential because after awhile, you’ll either get old and he’ll move on to a new human model or he’ll decide he wants to make you into a vampire too. So decide now, are you ready to live for all eternity?
The Cute Nice Prison Guard (John Bennett) on Orange is the New Black
Boyfriend potential: He has a pretty okay job (prison guard! benefits!). He served his country in the military. He’s missing a leg so he knows about hardship and overcoming things. He’s willing to overlook a lot for love, including incarceration and entrapment. He writes cute notes!
Potential problems: He isn’t exactly a genius at birth control, which is pretty un-adorable. His missing leg doesn’t represent some heroic action, just an accidental infection. He may only be into girls in prison which means you will have to get into prison to make this relationship work.
John Oliver on The Daily Show
Boyfriend potential: Well he’s doing an EXCELLENT job in the big boy seat that Jon Stewart left for the summer. He has a British accent which means he will talk about “snogging” you instead of making out which is worth 100 points. He knows a lot about current events so your parents will be impressed. He’s tall.
Potential problems: He’s going to have to give the seat back to Jon Stewart sooner rather than later so you will no longer be dating The Most Important Guy On TV. Also, while he is a character on a TV show, he’s also a real person and I think he’s married, so that could get messy.
So who’s your summer TV boyfriend? Also, what about the girlfriends of summer TV? Tell me in the comments!