1. Watch in Costume with Strangers at the Parkway: Maeby
So you have daddy issues and you hate your mother, which has led you to experiment with different identities and take risks like visiting Oakland. For you, the best way to watch the newest season of Arrested Development is amongst a crowd of people you are DEFINITELY not related to, who don’t know your real name, age or whether you are in fact confined to a wheelchair. Luckily the Parkway is marathoning the season in two sittings and costumes are encouraged. Possible costumes include: Leather Daughter, Studio Executive or Victim of BS Disease
2. Marathon Alone in Your Apartment: George Michael
Bad things are always happening to you. First off, you’re in love with your (maybe) cousin, everyone hates your actual girlfriend (her?), and you spend your days shilling fruit at the beach. Because of these factors and your general goodie two shoes-ness, no one wants to hang out with you and you end up spending a lot of time face down on your carpet…alone. So there’s really only one way you can watch the new season of Arrested Development: in your bed, under the covers, all at once, eating mayoneggs. You’ll be gone for days but don’t worry, no one will call the police.
3. Test Your Relationship by Watching on a Schedule with a Partner: Buster and (either) Lucille
You’re never sure how much your partner (or your mom) really cares about you. Yes, they want you around to zip up their dresses and participate in mother/son beauty pageants but who’s to say they won’t trade you in for a younger model (“Annyong!”)? Who’s to say they won’t murder you when they go off their meds? Here’s a way to find out if they REALLY love you: make them watch the new season of Arrested Development with you on a schedule, one episode a night. That way you will know where they are every night and if they start speaking along with lines at any point, you will know they’ve been cheating!
4. Throw a Theme Party: Lindsay
We know you’re great at throwing a fundraiser, whether it’s to end circumcision or your cause is TBD. Also, you’re a shopaholic (you’ve been looking for the right time to wear your lotion made of diamonds) and you’re an attention whore (because your mother doesn’t love you). All reasons why you should throw a theme party and try to forget that you’ve never seen your husband naked.
5. Watch Alone “When You Get To It”: Michael
Congratulations. You’re SOOOOO practical and responsible. You probably don’t even have Netflix. We would write more about you, but that about covers it. You’ll probably spend the next two weeks acting all superior to your friends and saying you’re too busy riding your bike or saving your family business to watch the new season of Arrested Development. Have fun up there on your boring mountain top of predictability but don’t be surprised when your son finds more entertaining (drunker) relatives to hang out with.
6. On Google Glass, Constantly: GOB
Everyone hates you.
By Emmanuel Hapsis and Lizzy Acker