How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation and Emotional Wellness
Why Understanding Obstacles is Essential to Achieving Goals
What Believing in the Possibilities Can Do For Learning and Teaching
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You can follower her on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/@dfkris\">@dfkris\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>","avatar":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/48efe6f17031ed31222b74af9605fe5a?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twitter":"dfkris","facebook":null,"instagram":null,"linkedin":null,"sites":[{"site":"mindshift","roles":["author"]}],"headData":{"title":"Deborah Farmer Kris | KQED","description":null,"ogImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/48efe6f17031ed31222b74af9605fe5a?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/48efe6f17031ed31222b74af9605fe5a?s=600&d=blank&r=g"},"isLoading":false,"link":"/author/dfkris"}},"breakingNewsReducer":{},"campaignFinanceReducer":{},"firebase":{"requesting":{},"requested":{},"timestamps":{},"data":{},"ordered":{},"auth":{"isLoaded":false,"isEmpty":true},"authError":null,"profile":{"isLoaded":false,"isEmpty":true},"listeners":{"byId":{},"allIds":[]},"isInitializing":false,"errors":[]},"navBarReducer":{"navBarId":"home","fullView":true,"showPlayer":false},"navMenuReducer":{"menus":[{"key":"menu1","items":[{"name":"News","link":"/","type":"title"},{"name":"Politics","link":"/politics"},{"name":"Science","link":"/science"},{"name":"Education","link":"/educationnews"},{"name":"Housing","link":"/housing"},{"name":"Immigration","link":"/immigration"},{"name":"Criminal Justice","link":"/criminaljustice"},{"name":"Silicon Valley","link":"/siliconvalley"},{"name":"Forum","link":"/forum"},{"name":"The California Report","link":"/californiareport"}]},{"key":"menu2","items":[{"name":"Arts & Culture","link":"/arts","type":"title"},{"name":"Critics’ Picks","link":"/thedolist"},{"name":"Cultural Commentary","link":"/artscommentary"},{"name":"Food & Drink","link":"/food"},{"name":"Bay Area Hip-Hop","link":"/bayareahiphop"},{"name":"Rebel Girls","link":"/rebelgirls"},{"name":"Arts Video","link":"/artsvideos"}]},{"key":"menu3","items":[{"name":"Podcasts","link":"/podcasts","type":"title"},{"name":"Bay Curious","link":"/podcasts/baycurious"},{"name":"Rightnowish","link":"/podcasts/rightnowish"},{"name":"The Bay","link":"/podcasts/thebay"},{"name":"On Our Watch","link":"/podcasts/onourwatch"},{"name":"Mindshift","link":"/podcasts/mindshift"},{"name":"Consider This","link":"/podcasts/considerthis"},{"name":"Political Breakdown","link":"/podcasts/politicalbreakdown"}]},{"key":"menu4","items":[{"name":"Live Radio","link":"/radio","type":"title"},{"name":"TV","link":"/tv","type":"title"},{"name":"Events","link":"/events","type":"title"},{"name":"For Educators","link":"/education","type":"title"},{"name":"Support KQED","link":"/support","type":"title"},{"name":"About","link":"/about","type":"title"},{"name":"Help Center","link":"https://kqed-helpcenter.kqed.org/s","type":"title"}]}]},"pagesReducer":{},"postsReducer":{"stream_live":{"type":"live","id":"stream_live","audioUrl":"https://streams.kqed.org/kqedradio","title":"Live Stream","excerpt":"Live Stream information currently unavailable.","link":"/radio","featImg":"","label":{"name":"KQED Live","link":"/"}},"stream_kqedNewscast":{"type":"posts","id":"stream_kqedNewscast","audioUrl":"https://www.kqed.org/.stream/anon/radio/RDnews/newscast.mp3?_=1","title":"KQED Newscast","featImg":"","label":{"name":"88.5 FM","link":"/"}},"mindshift_62678":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_62678","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"62678","score":null,"sort":[1698847946000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails","title":"What to do when 'gentle parenting' fails","publishDate":1698847946,"format":"standard","headTitle":"What to do when ‘gentle parenting’ fails | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"'Gentle parenting' seems to be based on sound child psychology principles, but these techniques may not be as effective for more serious challenging behavior.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1698847989,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":20,"wordCount":2486},"headData":{"title":"What to do when 'gentle parenting' fails | KQED","description":"'Gentle parenting' seems to be based on sound psychology principles, but these techniques may not be as effective for more serious challenging behavior.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"'Gentle parenting' seems to be based on sound psychology principles, but these techniques may not be as effective for more serious challenging behavior.","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"What to do when 'gentle parenting' fails","datePublished":"2023-11-01T14:12:26.000Z","dateModified":"2023-11-01T14:13:09.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"nprByline":"Cara Goodwin, \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.org\" target=\"_blank\">The Parenting Translator\u003c/a>","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/62678/what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/62678/what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails","authors":["byline_mindshift_62678"],"categories":["mindshift_21504","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21588","mindshift_21833","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21706","mindshift_20796","mindshift_381"],"featImg":"mindshift_62681","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_52854":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_52854","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"52854","score":null,"sort":[1547454263000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-self-compassion-supports-academic-motivation-and-emotional-wellness","title":"How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation and Emotional Wellness","publishDate":1547454263,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Many of today’s parents and teachers came of age in the 1980s and 1990s — a time when the self-esteem movement was in its zenith. Self-esteem was supposed to be a panacea for a variety of social challenges, from substance abuse to violent crime. The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/1529-1006.01431\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec02/selfesteem.aspx\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">however\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, did not support such broad claims. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If teachers and parents want children to develop resilience and strength, a better approach is to teach them self-compassion, said Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas and author of \u003c/span>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cem>.\u003c/em> “Self-esteem is a judgment about how valuable I am: very valuable, not so good, not valuable at all.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In contrast, “self-compassion isn’t about self-evaluation at all,” said Neff. “It’s about being kind to oneself. Self-compassion is a healthy source of self-worth because it’s not contingent and it's unconditional. It’s much more stable over time because it is not dependent on external markers of success such as grades.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most of us have a habitual way of talking to ourselves when we make a mistake or struggle with something. For many people, said Neff, self-criticism is the “number one way we motivate ourselves.” It’s the voice in our head that reminds us of all the consequences that will befall us if we fail that quiz or eat that tub of ice cream. But self-criticism brings with it “lots of unintended consequences such as anxiety and fear of failure,” said Neff. Students may become more susceptible to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/pits.21792\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">perfectionism\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and procrastination “because the fear of not measuring up looms large.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When a student develops self-compassion, the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13576500444000317\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">seat of motivation shifts\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Since internal value doesn’t depend on external achievement, it frees students up to experiment, take risks and try new paths. “Self-compassion leads to learning goals instead of performance goals — such as trying again after messing up,” said Neff. “It’s a better academic motivator than self-criticism. It’s a motivation of care instead of a motivation of fear.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Neff said that there is an empirical link between self-compassion and growth mindset (the belief that intelligence is malleable and responsive to effort). Research shows that students who adopt a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://mindsetscholarsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/What-We-Know-About-Growth-Mindset.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">growth mindset\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> thrive on challenges, show \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1878929316302183\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">resilience\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in the face of obstacles and view failure as part of the learning process. Both self-compassion and growth mindset are robust responses to the inevitable ups and downs of life. “When we are self-compassionate, we remind ourselves ‘I am a human and the human condition is imperfect for all of us,’ ” said Neff.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>How Adults Can Teach Children Self-Compassion\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The good news is that parents and educators “can teach students to be self-compassionate,” said Neff. “It is a learnable skill. Our culture discourages it — you have to go against the grain a little bit — but it’s a common-sense idea.” Self-compassion isn’t self-pity (poor me!) and it isn’t arrogance (I’m the best). Instead, it’s about treating yourself and your shortcomings with kindness, reminding yourself that you are human and -- like all humans -- you are a work in progress. Neff says, “Most of us have learned how to be supportive of others. We have to give ourselves permission to treat ourselves the same way.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Trade Criticism for Supportive Feedback\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents can model self-compassion in the language they use with their children. For example, said Neff, if your child comes home with a less-than-stellar grade, help them view it as data — as an indicator of things what they need to work on — instead of as a judgment of their intelligence. Instead of harsh criticism, give them feedback that is “designed to help, support, encourage.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kfUE41-JFw\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Model Compassionate Self-Talk\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Adults can also model how they process challenges. “When you fail or make a mistake, talk it through out loud with your kids. Use language that communicates, ‘It’s OK to make mistakes. Now what can I learn from this?’ ” Compassionate self-talk reminds us of our common humanity, the inevitability of mistakes, and our ability to bounce back and keep going. It shifts the self-talk from “I am a failure — I am so ashamed of myself” to “Everyone messes up sometimes — let’s see what I can learn from this situation so I can try again.” In this way, self-compassion helps us move on to problem-solving faster, said Neff. Instead of getting stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and feelings, we can take a deep breath and move on to what to do next.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Be a Good Friend to Yourself\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To make self-compassion a concrete idea for children, ask them to compare how they treat themselves to how they treat a friend. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness and care that we offer a good friend, we are practicing self-compassion. “By age 7, children have learned about the concept of friendship. A lot of their developmental energy is spent on learning how to be a good friend,” said Neff. So when students are feeling frustrated or upset, ask them, “What would you say to a friend in this situation?” This simple question can help students reflect on the situation and reframe their response. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Calm the Nervous System\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When something goes wrong, students’ bodies may experience a spike of adrenaline. The heart starts to race, breathing gets more shallow — and this can make it harder to feel calm. Neff said that in these moments, we can teach kids to practice self-compassion by taking deep breaths while putting their hand on their heart. Gentle, caring touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel safe and connected. Neff said, “Touch is one of the most powerful symbols of care. So if you are feeling upset, put your hand on your heart. Hold your own hand. Hug yourself. Even if your brain at the moment is full of the storyline of how bad you are, you can put your hand on your heart and calm your physiology down.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Self-Compassion and Trauma\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Teaching self-compassion to children who have a history of trauma is particularly important — and particularly challenging. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Dr. Patricia Jennings, associate professor at the University of Virginia and author of the new book,\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Sensitive-Classroom-Building-Resilience-Compassionate/dp/0393711862/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cem>,\u003c/em> said that these children “\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">often feel very bad about themselves, and their ability to feel compassion for themselves may be impaired. They don’t even know how to accept compassion from other people yet.” In these situations, caring teachers can literally rewire some of the neural pathways associated with attachment. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Jennings said one of the most transformational messages these children can learn from teachers is, “I know there are people in the world who care about me.” This isn’t always easy: Children who have experienced trauma may exhibit challenging behaviors in the classroom. But with time and consistency, these children can begin to internalize the message, “I really care about you. I care about how you are doing. And I care about how hard you are trying,” said Jennings. Helping children feel and accept compassion from someone else is a “good first step to helping them develop self-compassion.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">For parents and teachers who are not used to offering \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">themselves\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> kindness, teaching and modeling self-compassion for children is a gift we can give ourselves. “Self-compassion is a way of reparenting yourself,” said Neff. “If you grew up with really critical parents, it’s a chance to treat yourself like an unconditionally loving, supportive parent.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Being kind to oneself by practicing self-compassion can help people develop a healthy source of self-worth, feel less alone and calm some of the negative voices in one's head. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1547454263,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":23,"wordCount":1398},"headData":{"title":"How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation and Emotional Wellness | KQED","description":"Being kind to oneself by practicing self-compassion can help people develop a healthy source of self-worth, feel less alone and calm some of the negative voices in one's head. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation and Emotional Wellness","datePublished":"2019-01-14T08:24:23.000Z","dateModified":"2019-01-14T08:24:23.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"52854 https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=52854","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2019/01/14/how-self-compassion-supports-academic-motivation-and-emotional-wellness/","disqusTitle":"How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation and Emotional Wellness","path":"/mindshift/52854/how-self-compassion-supports-academic-motivation-and-emotional-wellness","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Many of today’s parents and teachers came of age in the 1980s and 1990s — a time when the self-esteem movement was in its zenith. Self-esteem was supposed to be a panacea for a variety of social challenges, from substance abuse to violent crime. The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/1529-1006.01431\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec02/selfesteem.aspx\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">however\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, did not support such broad claims. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If teachers and parents want children to develop resilience and strength, a better approach is to teach them self-compassion, said Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas and author of \u003c/span>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cem>.\u003c/em> “Self-esteem is a judgment about how valuable I am: very valuable, not so good, not valuable at all.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In contrast, “self-compassion isn’t about self-evaluation at all,” said Neff. “It’s about being kind to oneself. Self-compassion is a healthy source of self-worth because it’s not contingent and it's unconditional. It’s much more stable over time because it is not dependent on external markers of success such as grades.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>How Self-Compassion Supports Academic Motivation\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most of us have a habitual way of talking to ourselves when we make a mistake or struggle with something. For many people, said Neff, self-criticism is the “number one way we motivate ourselves.” It’s the voice in our head that reminds us of all the consequences that will befall us if we fail that quiz or eat that tub of ice cream. But self-criticism brings with it “lots of unintended consequences such as anxiety and fear of failure,” said Neff. Students may become more susceptible to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/pits.21792\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">perfectionism\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and procrastination “because the fear of not measuring up looms large.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When a student develops self-compassion, the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13576500444000317\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">seat of motivation shifts\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Since internal value doesn’t depend on external achievement, it frees students up to experiment, take risks and try new paths. “Self-compassion leads to learning goals instead of performance goals — such as trying again after messing up,” said Neff. “It’s a better academic motivator than self-criticism. It’s a motivation of care instead of a motivation of fear.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Neff said that there is an empirical link between self-compassion and growth mindset (the belief that intelligence is malleable and responsive to effort). Research shows that students who adopt a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://mindsetscholarsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/What-We-Know-About-Growth-Mindset.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">growth mindset\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> thrive on challenges, show \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1878929316302183\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">resilience\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in the face of obstacles and view failure as part of the learning process. Both self-compassion and growth mindset are robust responses to the inevitable ups and downs of life. “When we are self-compassionate, we remind ourselves ‘I am a human and the human condition is imperfect for all of us,’ ” said Neff.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>How Adults Can Teach Children Self-Compassion\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The good news is that parents and educators “can teach students to be self-compassionate,” said Neff. “It is a learnable skill. Our culture discourages it — you have to go against the grain a little bit — but it’s a common-sense idea.” Self-compassion isn’t self-pity (poor me!) and it isn’t arrogance (I’m the best). Instead, it’s about treating yourself and your shortcomings with kindness, reminding yourself that you are human and -- like all humans -- you are a work in progress. Neff says, “Most of us have learned how to be supportive of others. We have to give ourselves permission to treat ourselves the same way.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Trade Criticism for Supportive Feedback\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents can model self-compassion in the language they use with their children. For example, said Neff, if your child comes home with a less-than-stellar grade, help them view it as data — as an indicator of things what they need to work on — instead of as a judgment of their intelligence. Instead of harsh criticism, give them feedback that is “designed to help, support, encourage.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/-kfUE41-JFw'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/-kfUE41-JFw'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cb>Model Compassionate Self-Talk\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Adults can also model how they process challenges. “When you fail or make a mistake, talk it through out loud with your kids. Use language that communicates, ‘It’s OK to make mistakes. Now what can I learn from this?’ ” Compassionate self-talk reminds us of our common humanity, the inevitability of mistakes, and our ability to bounce back and keep going. It shifts the self-talk from “I am a failure — I am so ashamed of myself” to “Everyone messes up sometimes — let’s see what I can learn from this situation so I can try again.” In this way, self-compassion helps us move on to problem-solving faster, said Neff. Instead of getting stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and feelings, we can take a deep breath and move on to what to do next.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Be a Good Friend to Yourself\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To make self-compassion a concrete idea for children, ask them to compare how they treat themselves to how they treat a friend. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness and care that we offer a good friend, we are practicing self-compassion. “By age 7, children have learned about the concept of friendship. A lot of their developmental energy is spent on learning how to be a good friend,” said Neff. So when students are feeling frustrated or upset, ask them, “What would you say to a friend in this situation?” This simple question can help students reflect on the situation and reframe their response. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Calm the Nervous System\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When something goes wrong, students’ bodies may experience a spike of adrenaline. The heart starts to race, breathing gets more shallow — and this can make it harder to feel calm. Neff said that in these moments, we can teach kids to practice self-compassion by taking deep breaths while putting their hand on their heart. Gentle, caring touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel safe and connected. Neff said, “Touch is one of the most powerful symbols of care. So if you are feeling upset, put your hand on your heart. Hold your own hand. Hug yourself. Even if your brain at the moment is full of the storyline of how bad you are, you can put your hand on your heart and calm your physiology down.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/11U0h0DPu7k'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/11U0h0DPu7k'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cb>Self-Compassion and Trauma\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Teaching self-compassion to children who have a history of trauma is particularly important — and particularly challenging. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Dr. Patricia Jennings, associate professor at the University of Virginia and author of the new book,\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Sensitive-Classroom-Building-Resilience-Compassionate/dp/0393711862/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cem>,\u003c/em> said that these children “\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">often feel very bad about themselves, and their ability to feel compassion for themselves may be impaired. They don’t even know how to accept compassion from other people yet.” In these situations, caring teachers can literally rewire some of the neural pathways associated with attachment. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Jennings said one of the most transformational messages these children can learn from teachers is, “I know there are people in the world who care about me.” This isn’t always easy: Children who have experienced trauma may exhibit challenging behaviors in the classroom. But with time and consistency, these children can begin to internalize the message, “I really care about you. I care about how you are doing. And I care about how hard you are trying,” said Jennings. Helping children feel and accept compassion from someone else is a “good first step to helping them develop self-compassion.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">For parents and teachers who are not used to offering \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">themselves\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> kindness, teaching and modeling self-compassion for children is a gift we can give ourselves. “Self-compassion is a way of reparenting yourself,” said Neff. “If you grew up with really critical parents, it’s a chance to treat yourself like an unconditionally loving, supportive parent.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/52854/how-self-compassion-supports-academic-motivation-and-emotional-wellness","authors":["11087"],"categories":["mindshift_192"],"tags":["mindshift_21240","mindshift_20784","mindshift_1040","mindshift_20512","mindshift_20865","mindshift_20796","mindshift_21244"],"featImg":"mindshift_52875","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_38827":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_38827","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"38827","score":null,"sort":[1419606539000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"why-understanding-obstacles-is-essential-to-achieving-goals","title":"Why Understanding Obstacles is Essential to Achieving Goals","publishDate":1419606539,"format":"aside","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_38851\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/super-hero.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-38851\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/super-hero.gif\" alt=\"iStock\" width=\"640\" height=\"960\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">iStock\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp class=\"dropcap-serif\">There is no shortage of pithy quotes encouraging positive thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"If you can dream it, you can do it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Reach for the stars!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Look on the bright side.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"See the glass as half full.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While inspiring words might provide a moment of motivation, it turns out they can have an adverse effect on achieving those goals. According to the latest research, the positive attitudes meant to provide inspiration may be the ones that get in the way of accomplishing those dreams.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For 20 years, psychology professor \u003ca href=\"http://www.psych.nyu.edu/oettingen/\">Gabriele Oettingen\u003c/a> of New York University and the University of Hamburg has been examining positive thinking and her conclusion is clear. All that positive thinking can trick the dreamer into believing she’s already done the work to get to the desired goal, squelching the motivation to actually go after it. “Positive thinking alone is not enough,” Oettingen says. Indeed, fantasizing about success without an anchor in reality can actually diminish the likelihood of a better outcome. “[Positive thinking] has to be done in the right way and in the right form.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What does contribute to success, she says, is the conscious adoption of a nuanced kind of optimism, one that takes into account the real-life barriers to success. In her recent book \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Positive-Thinking-Science-Motivation/dp/1617230235\">\u003cem>Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Oettingen shares a simple cognitive tool that can help children and adults stay motivated to achieve a goal. She calls it “WOOP,” for wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan, a more digestible label than the social-science term “mental contrasting with implementation intention.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here’s an example of how it works.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Wish: \u003c/strong>An 11\u003csup>th\u003c/sup> grader, say, wants to get an A in Honors English. This is his \u003cem>wish\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Outcome: \u003c/strong>Next, he thinks about what would happen if he achieved this goal, his desired \u003cem>outcome\u003c/em>. Perhaps his teacher would recommend him for AP English, boosting his college options. His parents might stop nagging him about getting his assignments done, improving his relationships at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Obstacle:\u003c/strong> The 11\u003csup>th\u003c/sup> grader now has to engage in mental contrasting, and think about the internal \u003cem>obstacles\u003c/em> that get in the way of achieving the goal. Maybe he feels tired and skips English homework when basketball practice goes late, and he’s unmotivated to diagram sentences. Perhaps he procrastinates on longer papers because he’s anxious about starting, and ends up handing in a rushed and sloppy report.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plan:\u003c/strong> The final leg of the technique is to create a \u003cem>plan\u003c/em> that sets up the obstacle and proposed action in a simple statement: “if obstacle x, then I will perform behavior y.” The 11\u003csup>th\u003c/sup> grader might come up with something like this: “If I feel tired after basketball practice, then I will sit down and do at least half of the sentences for my English homework.” Or, “If I get anxious about my research paper, then I will start work on it for 30 minutes.” He might even find an opportunity to form a preventive “if-then” plan: “if basketball practice starts late, then I will use the time to work on my research paper.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This cognitive technique is effective, Oettingen says, because it works on the nonconscious mind. Fantasizing about attaining a feasible wish along with the obstacle that stands in the way of attaining it has the effect of tying dreams to reality. “With such a mental linkage in place, an individual couldn’t think about her dream any longer without reference to the obstacle, and the obstacle would serve as a nonconscious spur to take action,” she writes. “The association in turn explains actual, observable changes in behavior.\" Another advantage of the strategy is its simplicity: it depends on neither special cognitive skills nor abilities, and can be used at any age.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"1bVEaKTL9b84F1jjlz0Da1jIkGWKNPyd\"]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oettingen and colleagues have tested the technique in schools, and the results are significant. In peer-reviewed studies carried out with elementary and middle school children in Germany and the United States, students who practiced mental contrasting were better able to learn and retain new foreign language words than students who only fantasized about success. Another study involving high school students found that those who set up a plan for overcoming their obstacles to studying for the PSAT practiced more diligently than a control group that merely dreamt about it. Later research showed that three hours of training in WOOP improved the GPA, attendance rates, and general behavior of fifth graders versus those of who were coached just to think positively. And middle school children considered “at risk” for ADHD showed greater self-regulation when exposed to minimal instruction in mental contrasting and implementation intention—the “wish-outcome-obstacle” and “plan” parts of WOOP.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Besides helping sustain motivation and self-regulation, this cognitive technique also helps children slow the world down, inviting them to look inward to discover what they want to do and where they want to go. “The children are often overwhelmed with messages,” Oettingen says; WOOP “allows them to settle down and think, ‘what do I \u003cem>really\u003c/em> want?’” By summoning children to acknowledge what holds them back, “it gets rid of excuses,” she says, and empowers children to take action against their inner obstacles. To enable wider use of the technique, Oettingen has set up a free \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/woop-to-and-through-college/id702746740?mt=8\">WOOP app\u003c/a> to help kids get to college and stay there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oettingen’s research complements the teaching approach of acclaimed chess instructor \u003ca href=\"http://www.creativitypost.com/education/the_creativity_of_chess_a_conversation_with_elizabeth_spiegel\">Elizabeth Spiegel,\u003c/a> who took kids from an underprivileged junior high school in Brooklyn to a national chess championship. Spiegel insists that her students think and rethink the possible outcomes of a chess move, and to find and correct the mistakes in their thinking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oettingen is careful to point out that hope is a vital and necessary part of achievement, but that relentless pie-in-the-sky optimism detached from reality just hurts children. It desiccates motivation and implies that having a less sunny view of events is a sign of defective thinking and a deformed attitude. “It’s a load on people who doubt and question things, and who see things in a more differentiated way,” she says. “Positive dreams are not enough to actually achieve them.”\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Knowing what gets in the way of accomplishing goals can be more powerful than all the positive thinking in the world. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1484748052,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":20,"wordCount":1083},"headData":{"title":"Why Understanding Obstacles is Essential to Achieving Goals | KQED","description":"Knowing what gets in the way of accomplishing goals can be more powerful than all the positive thinking in the world. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Why Understanding Obstacles is Essential to Achieving Goals","datePublished":"2014-12-26T15:08:59.000Z","dateModified":"2017-01-18T14:00:52.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"38827 http://blogs.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=38827","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2014/12/26/why-understanding-obstacles-is-essential-to-achieving-goals/","disqusTitle":"Why Understanding Obstacles is Essential to Achieving Goals","path":"/mindshift/38827/why-understanding-obstacles-is-essential-to-achieving-goals","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_38851\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/super-hero.gif\">\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-38851\" src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/super-hero.gif\" alt=\"iStock\" width=\"640\" height=\"960\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">iStock\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp class=\"dropcap-serif\">There is no shortage of pithy quotes encouraging positive thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"If you can dream it, you can do it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Reach for the stars!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"Look on the bright side.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"See the glass as half full.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While inspiring words might provide a moment of motivation, it turns out they can have an adverse effect on achieving those goals. According to the latest research, the positive attitudes meant to provide inspiration may be the ones that get in the way of accomplishing those dreams.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For 20 years, psychology professor \u003ca href=\"http://www.psych.nyu.edu/oettingen/\">Gabriele Oettingen\u003c/a> of New York University and the University of Hamburg has been examining positive thinking and her conclusion is clear. All that positive thinking can trick the dreamer into believing she’s already done the work to get to the desired goal, squelching the motivation to actually go after it. “Positive thinking alone is not enough,” Oettingen says. Indeed, fantasizing about success without an anchor in reality can actually diminish the likelihood of a better outcome. “[Positive thinking] has to be done in the right way and in the right form.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What does contribute to success, she says, is the conscious adoption of a nuanced kind of optimism, one that takes into account the real-life barriers to success. In her recent book \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Positive-Thinking-Science-Motivation/dp/1617230235\">\u003cem>Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Oettingen shares a simple cognitive tool that can help children and adults stay motivated to achieve a goal. She calls it “WOOP,” for wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan, a more digestible label than the social-science term “mental contrasting with implementation intention.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here’s an example of how it works.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Wish: \u003c/strong>An 11\u003csup>th\u003c/sup> grader, say, wants to get an A in Honors English. This is his \u003cem>wish\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Outcome: \u003c/strong>Next, he thinks about what would happen if he achieved this goal, his desired \u003cem>outcome\u003c/em>. Perhaps his teacher would recommend him for AP English, boosting his college options. His parents might stop nagging him about getting his assignments done, improving his relationships at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Obstacle:\u003c/strong> The 11\u003csup>th\u003c/sup> grader now has to engage in mental contrasting, and think about the internal \u003cem>obstacles\u003c/em> that get in the way of achieving the goal. Maybe he feels tired and skips English homework when basketball practice goes late, and he’s unmotivated to diagram sentences. Perhaps he procrastinates on longer papers because he’s anxious about starting, and ends up handing in a rushed and sloppy report.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Plan:\u003c/strong> The final leg of the technique is to create a \u003cem>plan\u003c/em> that sets up the obstacle and proposed action in a simple statement: “if obstacle x, then I will perform behavior y.” The 11\u003csup>th\u003c/sup> grader might come up with something like this: “If I feel tired after basketball practice, then I will sit down and do at least half of the sentences for my English homework.” Or, “If I get anxious about my research paper, then I will start work on it for 30 minutes.” He might even find an opportunity to form a preventive “if-then” plan: “if basketball practice starts late, then I will use the time to work on my research paper.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This cognitive technique is effective, Oettingen says, because it works on the nonconscious mind. Fantasizing about attaining a feasible wish along with the obstacle that stands in the way of attaining it has the effect of tying dreams to reality. “With such a mental linkage in place, an individual couldn’t think about her dream any longer without reference to the obstacle, and the obstacle would serve as a nonconscious spur to take action,” she writes. “The association in turn explains actual, observable changes in behavior.\" Another advantage of the strategy is its simplicity: it depends on neither special cognitive skills nor abilities, and can be used at any age.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oettingen and colleagues have tested the technique in schools, and the results are significant. In peer-reviewed studies carried out with elementary and middle school children in Germany and the United States, students who practiced mental contrasting were better able to learn and retain new foreign language words than students who only fantasized about success. Another study involving high school students found that those who set up a plan for overcoming their obstacles to studying for the PSAT practiced more diligently than a control group that merely dreamt about it. Later research showed that three hours of training in WOOP improved the GPA, attendance rates, and general behavior of fifth graders versus those of who were coached just to think positively. And middle school children considered “at risk” for ADHD showed greater self-regulation when exposed to minimal instruction in mental contrasting and implementation intention—the “wish-outcome-obstacle” and “plan” parts of WOOP.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Besides helping sustain motivation and self-regulation, this cognitive technique also helps children slow the world down, inviting them to look inward to discover what they want to do and where they want to go. “The children are often overwhelmed with messages,” Oettingen says; WOOP “allows them to settle down and think, ‘what do I \u003cem>really\u003c/em> want?’” By summoning children to acknowledge what holds them back, “it gets rid of excuses,” she says, and empowers children to take action against their inner obstacles. To enable wider use of the technique, Oettingen has set up a free \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/woop-to-and-through-college/id702746740?mt=8\">WOOP app\u003c/a> to help kids get to college and stay there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oettingen’s research complements the teaching approach of acclaimed chess instructor \u003ca href=\"http://www.creativitypost.com/education/the_creativity_of_chess_a_conversation_with_elizabeth_spiegel\">Elizabeth Spiegel,\u003c/a> who took kids from an underprivileged junior high school in Brooklyn to a national chess championship. Spiegel insists that her students think and rethink the possible outcomes of a chess move, and to find and correct the mistakes in their thinking.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oettingen is careful to point out that hope is a vital and necessary part of achievement, but that relentless pie-in-the-sky optimism detached from reality just hurts children. It desiccates motivation and implies that having a less sunny view of events is a sign of defective thinking and a deformed attitude. “It’s a load on people who doubt and question things, and who see things in a more differentiated way,” she says. “Positive dreams are not enough to actually achieve them.”\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/38827/why-understanding-obstacles-is-essential-to-achieving-goals","authors":["4613"],"categories":["mindshift_192","mindshift_20827"],"tags":["mindshift_20784","mindshift_1040","mindshift_20799","mindshift_20796","mindshift_20557","mindshift_20800"],"featImg":"mindshift_38851","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_38757":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_38757","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"38757","score":null,"sort":[1418915446000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"what-believing-in-the-possibilities-can-do-for-learning-and-teaching","title":"What Believing in the Possibilities Can Do For Learning and Teaching","publishDate":1418915446,"format":"aside","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_38778\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/Positive-mindset.gif\">\u003cimg src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/Positive-mindset.gif\" alt=\"iStock\" width=\"640\" height=\"960\" class=\"size-full wp-image-38778\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">iStock\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>By Thom Markham\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"dropcap-serif\">In medicine, the placebo effect is well known, but still mysterious. Through some unknown connection between mind and body, placebos produce changes in brain states, immune systems, blood pressure and hormone levels. Although most of us think of a placebo as a sugar pill, in fact it’s any intervention in which beliefs produce measurable changes in physiology, and thus performance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here’s a typical \u003ca href=\"http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/magazine/what-if-age-is-nothing-but-a-mind-set.html\">example\u003c/a>: When adults enter a flight simulator and take on the role of Air Force pilots flying a plane, their eyesight improves 40 percent more than adults who just \"pretend\" to fly a plane in a broken simulator. Something in the belief system shifts the body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Results from research into the \u003ca href=\"http://www.mindsetworks.com/webnav/whatismindset.aspx\">growth mindset\u003c/a> tell us that placebos have finally hit the classroom. When students are informed that it’s possible to improve their IQ, they respond by \u003cem>improving their IQ\u003c/em>. A simple message of possibility opens the door to an improvement in brain function. When distance-learning students in west Texas used an avatar from Second Life to attend virtual meetings, their new personas gave them permission to change their behavior. They turned into noticeably different and more attentive students than in person.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[contextly_sidebar id=\"H8nKqJI5A4rW9DPibjMl7QHTlaIq7Wkn\"]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What’s the takeaway from the placebo phenomenon? More than anything, the results tell us that \u003cem>beliefs\u003c/em> matter, perhaps much more than we realize. In many cases, the chief message of placebo research is that focusing on using the mind and beliefs to power up the brain and body is the key to better learning in the future. This approach requires that we take more seriously the latest research showing that intentional, placebo-like interventions also work.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This \"open\" placebo research is the realm of \u003ca href=\"http://www.positivepsychology.org/\">positive psychology\u003c/a>, mindfulness, studies on kindness and so forth. That is, powerful, \u003ca href=\"http://www.unc.edu/peplab/publications/Fredrickson_AmPsych_2001.pdf\">positive beliefs\u003c/a> openly transmitted to others result in positive thinking, brighter attitudes, a greater sense of well-being and other indicators of a more alert, resilient, and balanced individual. While it’s difficult to track the corresponding brain changes, we can be sure that a student exhibiting these qualities is NOT in a flight or fight, stressful mode. Rather, the brain is freed to invent, solve and investigate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To get at this kind of depth in teaching is not difficult, except for the awkward fact that education has yet to escape the \"empty vessel\" metaphor. We continue to insist that filling up students with information constitutes good learning. That’s why moving to a more inquiry-based, personalized and student-driven system — the face of the future — feels slow and fitful. But every teacher can begin to import this new thinking into the classroom by conveying the primary message that \u003cem>relationships matter\u003c/em> in ways that far exceed our prior beliefs. Here’s why:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The invisible connection. \u003c/strong>Beliefs and attitudes are transmitted through words, body language and facial expressions. But that’s the obvious part, and it’s increasingly clear that connections go deeper than science can capture. Neuroplasticity studies show that the brain is a dynamic organ in constant flux, and is exquisitely responsive to nuance. Neuronal networks are being built or discarded in the course of one conversation. The neurons themselves each contain 2-3 feet of DNA that control gene expression, meaning that culture and conversation ultimately have permanent effects on the brain. And the deeper work on consciousness by leading scientists points to ever-changing quantum activity at the subcellular level generated by beliefs and thoughts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Positive, sincere beliefs matter. \u003c/strong>This is territory virtually unexplored in education, but the latest research is clear: The body and brain respond favorably to care, sincerity and unconditional acceptance, which are relayed through the heart and vagal system to the brain. So it’s not enough to smile (fake smiles don’t work, anyway) and say the right words unless you believe them wholeheartedly. Inquiry and innovation rely on a high-functioning brain activated by care and acceptance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Fifth \"C\" is critical. \u003c/strong>Currently, we intend to deliver the Big Four 21\u003csup>st\u003c/sup> century skills (collaboration, communication, critical thinking and creativity) much like we teach the photosynthesis cycle or the causes of the Civil War. They’re outcomes of an instructional process. This is magical thinking. These skills are deeply rooted in attitude, confidence, empathy, openness, and curiosity — the province of \u003cem>character\u003c/em>. How do we move upstream, get as close to the source as possible and elicit these qualities?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Studies on resiliency point the way. Resiliency is commonly viewed as an antidote to stress or an intervention for at-risk students. But in a chaotic, 21\u003csup>st\u003c/sup> century world, resiliency becomes a broader term that encompasses balance, persistence and awareness. And the research is clear: These aspects of character are evoked in students through a strong mentor relationship with an adult who cares, listens and offers nonjudgmental coaching and feedback.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other words, if we want to get to skills, we’ll have to start with personal strengths. That means that 21\u003csup>st\u003c/sup> century teachers must put powerful, positive relationships at the center of their mission.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Thom Markham is a psychologist, school redesign consultant and the author of the\u003c/em>\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.amazon.com/Project-Based-Learning-Design-Coaching/dp/1616233613/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334257826&sr=1-3\">Project Based Learning Design and Coaching Guide: Expert tools for inquiry and innovation for K-12 educators\u003c/a>. Find many more resources on his website,\u003c/em>\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.thommarkham.com/\">www.thommarkham.com\u003c/a> \u003c/em>\u003cem>or tweet him @thommarkham\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Connecting with people through sincere positive beliefs can influence the brain and open it up for learning possibilities. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1418915826,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":15,"wordCount":911},"headData":{"title":"What Believing in the Possibilities Can Do For Learning and Teaching | KQED","description":"Connecting with people through sincere positive beliefs can influence the brain and open it up for learning possibilities. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"What Believing in the Possibilities Can Do For Learning and Teaching","datePublished":"2014-12-18T15:10:46.000Z","dateModified":"2014-12-18T15:17:06.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"disqusIdentifier":"38757 http://blogs.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=38757","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2014/12/18/what-believing-in-the-possibilities-can-do-for-learning-and-teaching/","disqusTitle":"What Believing in the Possibilities Can Do For Learning and Teaching","path":"/mindshift/38757/what-believing-in-the-possibilities-can-do-for-learning-and-teaching","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_38778\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 640px\">\u003ca href=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/Positive-mindset.gif\">\u003cimg src=\"http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2014/12/Positive-mindset.gif\" alt=\"iStock\" width=\"640\" height=\"960\" class=\"size-full wp-image-38778\">\u003c/a>\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">iStock\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>By Thom Markham\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"dropcap-serif\">In medicine, the placebo effect is well known, but still mysterious. Through some unknown connection between mind and body, placebos produce changes in brain states, immune systems, blood pressure and hormone levels. Although most of us think of a placebo as a sugar pill, in fact it’s any intervention in which beliefs produce measurable changes in physiology, and thus performance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here’s a typical \u003ca href=\"http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/magazine/what-if-age-is-nothing-but-a-mind-set.html\">example\u003c/a>: When adults enter a flight simulator and take on the role of Air Force pilots flying a plane, their eyesight improves 40 percent more than adults who just \"pretend\" to fly a plane in a broken simulator. Something in the belief system shifts the body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Results from research into the \u003ca href=\"http://www.mindsetworks.com/webnav/whatismindset.aspx\">growth mindset\u003c/a> tell us that placebos have finally hit the classroom. When students are informed that it’s possible to improve their IQ, they respond by \u003cem>improving their IQ\u003c/em>. A simple message of possibility opens the door to an improvement in brain function. When distance-learning students in west Texas used an avatar from Second Life to attend virtual meetings, their new personas gave them permission to change their behavior. They turned into noticeably different and more attentive students than in person.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What’s the takeaway from the placebo phenomenon? More than anything, the results tell us that \u003cem>beliefs\u003c/em> matter, perhaps much more than we realize. In many cases, the chief message of placebo research is that focusing on using the mind and beliefs to power up the brain and body is the key to better learning in the future. This approach requires that we take more seriously the latest research showing that intentional, placebo-like interventions also work.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This \"open\" placebo research is the realm of \u003ca href=\"http://www.positivepsychology.org/\">positive psychology\u003c/a>, mindfulness, studies on kindness and so forth. That is, powerful, \u003ca href=\"http://www.unc.edu/peplab/publications/Fredrickson_AmPsych_2001.pdf\">positive beliefs\u003c/a> openly transmitted to others result in positive thinking, brighter attitudes, a greater sense of well-being and other indicators of a more alert, resilient, and balanced individual. While it’s difficult to track the corresponding brain changes, we can be sure that a student exhibiting these qualities is NOT in a flight or fight, stressful mode. Rather, the brain is freed to invent, solve and investigate.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To get at this kind of depth in teaching is not difficult, except for the awkward fact that education has yet to escape the \"empty vessel\" metaphor. We continue to insist that filling up students with information constitutes good learning. That’s why moving to a more inquiry-based, personalized and student-driven system — the face of the future — feels slow and fitful. But every teacher can begin to import this new thinking into the classroom by conveying the primary message that \u003cem>relationships matter\u003c/em> in ways that far exceed our prior beliefs. Here’s why:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The invisible connection. \u003c/strong>Beliefs and attitudes are transmitted through words, body language and facial expressions. But that’s the obvious part, and it’s increasingly clear that connections go deeper than science can capture. Neuroplasticity studies show that the brain is a dynamic organ in constant flux, and is exquisitely responsive to nuance. Neuronal networks are being built or discarded in the course of one conversation. The neurons themselves each contain 2-3 feet of DNA that control gene expression, meaning that culture and conversation ultimately have permanent effects on the brain. And the deeper work on consciousness by leading scientists points to ever-changing quantum activity at the subcellular level generated by beliefs and thoughts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Positive, sincere beliefs matter. \u003c/strong>This is territory virtually unexplored in education, but the latest research is clear: The body and brain respond favorably to care, sincerity and unconditional acceptance, which are relayed through the heart and vagal system to the brain. So it’s not enough to smile (fake smiles don’t work, anyway) and say the right words unless you believe them wholeheartedly. Inquiry and innovation rely on a high-functioning brain activated by care and acceptance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>The Fifth \"C\" is critical. \u003c/strong>Currently, we intend to deliver the Big Four 21\u003csup>st\u003c/sup> century skills (collaboration, communication, critical thinking and creativity) much like we teach the photosynthesis cycle or the causes of the Civil War. They’re outcomes of an instructional process. This is magical thinking. These skills are deeply rooted in attitude, confidence, empathy, openness, and curiosity — the province of \u003cem>character\u003c/em>. How do we move upstream, get as close to the source as possible and elicit these qualities?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Studies on resiliency point the way. Resiliency is commonly viewed as an antidote to stress or an intervention for at-risk students. But in a chaotic, 21\u003csup>st\u003c/sup> century world, resiliency becomes a broader term that encompasses balance, persistence and awareness. And the research is clear: These aspects of character are evoked in students through a strong mentor relationship with an adult who cares, listens and offers nonjudgmental coaching and feedback.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In other words, if we want to get to skills, we’ll have to start with personal strengths. That means that 21\u003csup>st\u003c/sup> century teachers must put powerful, positive relationships at the center of their mission.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Thom Markham is a psychologist, school redesign consultant and the author of the\u003c/em>\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.amazon.com/Project-Based-Learning-Design-Coaching/dp/1616233613/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334257826&sr=1-3\">Project Based Learning Design and Coaching Guide: Expert tools for inquiry and innovation for K-12 educators\u003c/a>. Find many more resources on his website,\u003c/em>\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"http://www.thommarkham.com/\">www.thommarkham.com\u003c/a> \u003c/em>\u003cem>or tweet him @thommarkham\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/38757/what-believing-in-the-possibilities-can-do-for-learning-and-teaching","authors":["4354"],"categories":["mindshift_20579","mindshift_194","mindshift_20524"],"tags":["mindshift_20784","mindshift_1040","mindshift_20512","mindshift_797","mindshift_841","mindshift_20796"],"featImg":"mindshift_38778","label":"mindshift"}},"programsReducer":{"possible":{"id":"possible","title":"Possible","info":"Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? 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