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Now a trio of economists say they’ve been able to calculate some of these psychological costs.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In a new \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272775723001504?via%3Dihub\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">data analysis published in the February 2024 issue of the Economics of Education Review\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, three economists from the University of Georgia and the Federal Reserve Board found that students are assigned so much homework and signed up for so many extracurricular activities that the “last hour” was no longer helping to build their academic skills. Instead, the activities were actually harming their mental well-being, making students more anxious, depressed or angry. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“We’re not saying that all these activities are bad, but that the total is bad,” said Carolina Caetano, one of the study’s authors and an assistant professor of economics at the University of Georgia. Homework and scheduled activities, she said, were eating away at time for sleep and socializing, which are also important. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The downsides of homework and scheduled activities were most pronounced during the high school years, when students are feeling pressure to earn high grades and load up on extracurriculars for their college applications, the researchers found.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Unfortunately, the researchers weren’t able to put a precise number on how many hours is too much, and Caetano explained to me that the number might not be the same for everyone.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents who worry that their children might be overscheduled should ask themselves whether they feel their days are so busy that their children don’t even have time for spontaneous play dates, Caetano said. “If you feel stretched, you’re probably on the too-much side of this,” she said.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Caetano and her research team analyzed the time diaries of 4,300 children and teens, from kindergarten through 12th grade. The diaries had been collected over the years, dating back to 1997, as part of the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://psidonline.isr.umich.edu/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Panel Study of Income Dynamics (PSID)\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a large nationally representative household survey overseen by the University of Michigan. Children, parents and survey workers kept track of a random weekday and a random weekend day for each child, allowing the researchers to see how children spent every minute.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers described a wide assortment of activities intended to improve children’s skills as “enrichment.” Homework was the largest component, adding up to two thirds of the total enrichment hours. The remainder of the enrichment time was occupied by reading (14% of the enrichment time), followed by before- and after-school programs (7%). In the diaries, relatively little time was spent being read to by parents, tutoring and other academic lessons, and on non-academic lessons, such as piano, soccer lessons or driver’s ed. On average, children spent 45 minutes a day on all of them, ranging from zero to four hours a day.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers then compared time spent on these enrichment activities with academic test scores along with non-cognitive psychological measures, which were based on parent surveys of their children’s behaviors, such as being withdrawn, anxious or angry. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At first, there seemed to be a strong association between time spent on enrichment and academic skills and positive behaviors. That is, students who were more scheduled also had higher test scores and better behaviors. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">But scheduled students also tend to be wealthier. Their families have the resources for tutors, after-school activities, or nannies who enforce homework time. It’s hard to tell how much the activities were responsible for boosting students’ skills or whether these highly resourced children would have done just as well on the tests and non-cognitive measures without the activities. After adjusting for family income and other demographic characteristics, some of these benefits melted away. Still, some association between scheduled activities and academic skills remained. In other words, even between two children with the same demographics and family income, the one that was more scheduled and spent more time on homework scored higher.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">However, these scheduled children of the same income and demographics still differ from each other in important ways. Some are more motivated or conscientious. Some have photographic memories or are hard working. Some have a gift for math or music. The children who choose to do more homework and participate in after-school activities are exactly the ones who are more likely to score higher anyway. It’s a thorny knot to disentangle how much the homework and scheduled activities are driving the improvement in skills.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In this study, the researchers used a new statistical technique for large datasets to disentangle it. And once they adjusted for the effects of the students’ unobservable or inner differences, all the academic benefits melted away, and well-being turned negative. That is, the final or marginal hour of homework and activities didn’t raise a student’s test scores at all and lowered a child’s non-cognitive behaviors.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers also noticed a dilemma in the data. The psychological downsides of overscheduling hit before students’ cognitive skills were maximized. There’s a point where a child could still boost his academic skills by doing another hour of homework or tutoring, for example, but it would come at the expense of mental well-being. With more time spent on these activities, the academic returns eventually fall to zero, but by that time, there’s been a considerable hit to well-being.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A lot more research is needed to understand if some activities are harming students more than others. One question Caetano has concerns timing. She wonders what would happen if little kids were less scheduled in elementary school. Would they then have more resilience to deal with the time pressures in high school? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The statistical techniques in this study are new and researchers debate about how and when to use them. Josh Goodman, an education economist at Boston University who was not involved in the study, commented that the causal claims between overscheduling and academic skills and mental well-being aren’t “perfect,” but called them “good enough.” He said on X (formerly Twitter) that “the paper raises some very uncomfortable questions (including about my own parenting decisions!)” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, parents aren’t entirely to blame. Schools assign the homework and their children’s grades will suffer if it isn’t done. College admissions departments value applicants with high grades and activities. Caetano sympathizes with parents who find it hard to individually push back against the current system. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It’s similarly difficult for one school to unilaterally change homework policies when colleges could penalize their students. Indeed, schools that have tried reducing the pressure have sometimes felt the wrath of parents who are worried that less homework will cause their children to fall behind the competition. Ultimately, Caetano says that education policymakers on the state or federal level need to set policies to ratchet down the pressure for all.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This story about \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/proof-points-overscheduling-kids-lives-causes-depression-and-anxiety-study-finds/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">extracurricular activities\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> was written by Jill Barshay and produced by \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Hechinger Report\u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a nonprofit, independent news organization focused on inequality and innovation in education. Sign up for the \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/proofpoints/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Proof Points newsletter\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Economists calculated the costs and benefits of homework and extracurriculars. They found troubling mental health costs.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1706900711,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":21,"wordCount":1247},"headData":{"title":"Overscheduling kids’ lives causes depression and anxiety, study finds | KQED","description":"Economists calculated the costs and benefits of homework and extracurriculars. They found troubling mental health costs.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Economists calculated the costs and benefits of homework and extracurriculars. They found troubling mental health costs."},"sticky":false,"nprByline":"Jill Barshay, \u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/\" target=\"_blank\">The Hechinger Report\u003c/a>","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/63052/overscheduling-kids-lives-causes-depression-and-anxiety-study-finds","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Psychologists have long warned that children’s lives are overscheduled, which undermines their ability to develop non-academic skills that they’ll need in adulthood, from coping with setbacks to building strong relationships. Now a trio of economists say they’ve been able to calculate some of these psychological costs.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In a new \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272775723001504?via%3Dihub\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">data analysis published in the February 2024 issue of the Economics of Education Review\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, three economists from the University of Georgia and the Federal Reserve Board found that students are assigned so much homework and signed up for so many extracurricular activities that the “last hour” was no longer helping to build their academic skills. Instead, the activities were actually harming their mental well-being, making students more anxious, depressed or angry. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“We’re not saying that all these activities are bad, but that the total is bad,” said Carolina Caetano, one of the study’s authors and an assistant professor of economics at the University of Georgia. Homework and scheduled activities, she said, were eating away at time for sleep and socializing, which are also important. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The downsides of homework and scheduled activities were most pronounced during the high school years, when students are feeling pressure to earn high grades and load up on extracurriculars for their college applications, the researchers found.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Unfortunately, the researchers weren’t able to put a precise number on how many hours is too much, and Caetano explained to me that the number might not be the same for everyone.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents who worry that their children might be overscheduled should ask themselves whether they feel their days are so busy that their children don’t even have time for spontaneous play dates, Caetano said. “If you feel stretched, you’re probably on the too-much side of this,” she said.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Caetano and her research team analyzed the time diaries of 4,300 children and teens, from kindergarten through 12th grade. The diaries had been collected over the years, dating back to 1997, as part of the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://psidonline.isr.umich.edu/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Panel Study of Income Dynamics (PSID)\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a large nationally representative household survey overseen by the University of Michigan. Children, parents and survey workers kept track of a random weekday and a random weekend day for each child, allowing the researchers to see how children spent every minute.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers described a wide assortment of activities intended to improve children’s skills as “enrichment.” Homework was the largest component, adding up to two thirds of the total enrichment hours. The remainder of the enrichment time was occupied by reading (14% of the enrichment time), followed by before- and after-school programs (7%). In the diaries, relatively little time was spent being read to by parents, tutoring and other academic lessons, and on non-academic lessons, such as piano, soccer lessons or driver’s ed. On average, children spent 45 minutes a day on all of them, ranging from zero to four hours a day.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers then compared time spent on these enrichment activities with academic test scores along with non-cognitive psychological measures, which were based on parent surveys of their children’s behaviors, such as being withdrawn, anxious or angry. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At first, there seemed to be a strong association between time spent on enrichment and academic skills and positive behaviors. That is, students who were more scheduled also had higher test scores and better behaviors. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">But scheduled students also tend to be wealthier. Their families have the resources for tutors, after-school activities, or nannies who enforce homework time. It’s hard to tell how much the activities were responsible for boosting students’ skills or whether these highly resourced children would have done just as well on the tests and non-cognitive measures without the activities. After adjusting for family income and other demographic characteristics, some of these benefits melted away. Still, some association between scheduled activities and academic skills remained. In other words, even between two children with the same demographics and family income, the one that was more scheduled and spent more time on homework scored higher.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">However, these scheduled children of the same income and demographics still differ from each other in important ways. Some are more motivated or conscientious. Some have photographic memories or are hard working. Some have a gift for math or music. The children who choose to do more homework and participate in after-school activities are exactly the ones who are more likely to score higher anyway. It’s a thorny knot to disentangle how much the homework and scheduled activities are driving the improvement in skills.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In this study, the researchers used a new statistical technique for large datasets to disentangle it. And once they adjusted for the effects of the students’ unobservable or inner differences, all the academic benefits melted away, and well-being turned negative. That is, the final or marginal hour of homework and activities didn’t raise a student’s test scores at all and lowered a child’s non-cognitive behaviors.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers also noticed a dilemma in the data. The psychological downsides of overscheduling hit before students’ cognitive skills were maximized. There’s a point where a child could still boost his academic skills by doing another hour of homework or tutoring, for example, but it would come at the expense of mental well-being. With more time spent on these activities, the academic returns eventually fall to zero, but by that time, there’s been a considerable hit to well-being.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A lot more research is needed to understand if some activities are harming students more than others. One question Caetano has concerns timing. She wonders what would happen if little kids were less scheduled in elementary school. Would they then have more resilience to deal with the time pressures in high school? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The statistical techniques in this study are new and researchers debate about how and when to use them. Josh Goodman, an education economist at Boston University who was not involved in the study, commented that the causal claims between overscheduling and academic skills and mental well-being aren’t “perfect,” but called them “good enough.” He said on X (formerly Twitter) that “the paper raises some very uncomfortable questions (including about my own parenting decisions!)” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, parents aren’t entirely to blame. Schools assign the homework and their children’s grades will suffer if it isn’t done. College admissions departments value applicants with high grades and activities. Caetano sympathizes with parents who find it hard to individually push back against the current system. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It’s similarly difficult for one school to unilaterally change homework policies when colleges could penalize their students. Indeed, schools that have tried reducing the pressure have sometimes felt the wrath of parents who are worried that less homework will cause their children to fall behind the competition. Ultimately, Caetano says that education policymakers on the state or federal level need to set policies to ratchet down the pressure for all.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This story about \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/proof-points-overscheduling-kids-lives-causes-depression-and-anxiety-study-finds/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">extracurricular activities\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> was written by Jill Barshay and produced by \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Hechinger Report\u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a nonprofit, independent news organization focused on inequality and innovation in education. Sign up for the \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://hechingerreport.org/proofpoints/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Proof Points newsletter\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/63052/overscheduling-kids-lives-causes-depression-and-anxiety-study-finds","authors":["byline_mindshift_63052"],"categories":["mindshift_21504","mindshift_21280","mindshift_21385","mindshift_20874"],"tags":["mindshift_20589","mindshift_21612","mindshift_21070","mindshift_21100","mindshift_563","mindshift_20865","mindshift_20870","mindshift_290"],"featImg":"mindshift_63054","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_61966":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_61966","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"61966","score":null,"sort":[1689040845000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships","title":"How parents can help children with ADHD thrive in friendships","publishDate":1689040845,"format":"standard","headTitle":"How parents can help children with ADHD thrive in friendships | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Vibrant” is how Caroline Poisson describes her seven-year-old son. “He’s incredible, enthusiastic and curious,” she said. “And then there’s a side of what we call kryptonite and we talk about his ADHD brain, where there are some things that are just really hard for him.” \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://childmind.org/article/helping-kids-who-struggle-with-executive-functions/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Like many kids with ADHD\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, Poisson’s son struggles with executive function skills – the cognitive abilities that help people plan, stay organized, pay attention, control emotions and make decisions. Without a good grasp on these skills \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2827258/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">it can be hard to make friends and strengthen the social skills\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> needed to navigate adulthood. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents of kids with ADHD often say their kids miss social cues, such as when peers are bored, hurt or offended, according to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://psych.ubc.ca/profile/amori-mikami/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Amori Mikami\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia in Canada. “It can lead to a lot of outbursts or temper tantrums or whining and complaining or arguing with the friend,” she said. Mikami researches peer relationships, specifically focusing on children with ADHD. Additionally, she developed a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781003221715/parents-friendship-coaches-children-adhd-amori-yee-mikami-s%C3%A9bastien-normand\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">parental friendship coaching (PFC) model\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> where parents of elementary school-age kids can learn to support their child in \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">making friends\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">PFC programs can be found in participating mental health centers or specialized ADHD treatment centers. If a PFC program is not offered nearby, Mikami recommended sharing\u003ca href=\"https://www.routledge.com/Parents-as-Friendship-Coaches-for-Children-with-ADHD-A-Clinical-Guide/Mikami-Normand/p/book/9781032118284?gclid=CjwKCAjwzJmlBhBBEiwAEJyLu0horPV7Yoz2ngrgzlivLBHna-o6JZHExhSlDDcRd6Qti5XHj7KltxoCEHAQAvD_BwE\"> a link\u003c/a> to the treatment manual with a local provider who has experience providing behavioral parent training for families of kids with ADHD and can work with the family to implement the treatment.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Participants meet with mental health professionals and other parents of kids with ADHD for 10 sessions over several weeks to practice strategies to improve their child’s social behavior. While the parental friendship coaching model can be used individually, a group format lends itself to community and collaboration among parents. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15374416.2017.1390757?journalCode=hcap20\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research trials\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> of PFC\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> have shown improvement in children’s \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">social behaviors such as taking turns, sharing and negotiating. A key goal for many parents who use this approach is to help their child have successful playdates and — ideally — deepen their friendships.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Poisson, who found a PFC program online, had been in counseling herself after her son’s diagnosis and felt the program was a way that she could build on that support to help her son. Families where kids have started to be excluded from social activities with peers, are the ones who usually benefit from this program, according to Mikami. “The whole idea is that if your child doesn’t have any friends right now and really just doesn’t have the social skills to make friends, then throwing them in there on their own is too much and they need more scaffolding,” she said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Building a strong parent-child relationship\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents start PFC, the first things they focus on are strategies to strengthen their bond with their child. The parental friendship coaching model encourages parents like Poisson to spend special time connecting with their child so they’re more likely to be receptive to feedback. Examples of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60032/the-5-minute-daily-playtime-ritual-that-can-get-your-kids-to-listen-better\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">special time\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> may include sitting with their child as they draw and narrating the process or letting the child teach the parent a game.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At times, Poisson’s son resisted her feedback when she tried to help him develop better friendship behaviors. “Many parents, especially parents of kids with ADHD, have had the experience where they tell their child something – and maybe it’s even really good advice – but it’s like the brick wall goes up. The child gets very defensive,” said Mikami. “That defensiveness often comes from kids just anticipating that they’re going to do something wrong and they’re going to get a lot of corrective feedback, even if in the parent’s mind it is very well meaning.” Poisson noticed that when she spent special time with her son, his oppositional behavior decreased. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Liubov Delegan, who immigrated from Ukraine to Vancouver, Canada around the time of her eight-year-old son’s ADHD diagnosis, said the parental friendship coaching program taught her to use \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/toddlersandpreschoolers/communication/activelistening.html\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">active listening\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to strengthen her relationship with her child. Active listening means listening without jumping in with advice or criticism. When Delegan did that, she noticed that she asked her child more questions. “It gave more connection. It’s like ‘I can hear you. I hear what you’re saying and I’m interested in your opinion,’” she said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Nurturing children’s friendship skills \u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Once the parent-child relationship is strong and secure, the PFC program guides parents in nurturing their child’s friendship skills, including negotiation, conflict resolution and perspective taking. Parents are uniquely positioned to be friendship coaches because they have a deep understanding of their child’s strengths, challenges and individual needs. While a child’s therapist can provide tips and strategies, parents have access to real time situations and can provide in-the-moment support. “It can be really hard for the child to learn the skills in therapy and then remember to apply them when they’re with their peers in a totally different situation outside of therapy,” said Mikami. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At a family game night, for example, parents may help their child improve social skills by incorporating breaks if the child gets worked up or praising the child when they are able to stay calm. Additionally, a parent might talk with a child about social cues to look for in playmates that show they might be bored.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To build her son’s friendship skills, Poisson used PFC’s corrective feedback strategies. When her son interacted with his peers she’d put emphasis on the behavior she’d like to see in the moment instead of focusing on what her son was doing wrong. “When you have kids with ADHD, it’s not intrinsic to them. They’re not able to necessarily pick up on all those social cues,” said Poisson. Before playdates, Poisson now ”frontloads” her son by talking to him about what it means to be a good friend and how a good friend might act.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Setting up successful playdates\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Lastly, the PFC model helps parents learn how to structure successful playdates for their child. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“If you know your child is only likely to behave well in a certain situation for 30 minutes, set your first playdate for 30 minutes,” suggested Mikami. Other factors that are helpful include picking an appropriate friend for the playdate — a peer who has similar interests and encourages good behavior. A parent of a child with ADHD may initially choose to host playdates because they have more control over the environment than if their child is a guest at a peer’s house. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although parents may feel the need to check in frequently during playdates, they learn in the PFC program that it’s important to make sure that their child experiences quality one-on-one time with their friend. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Mikami said that there are ways for parents to monitor without being intrusive, such as doing laundry during the playdate, which requires walking in and out of the child’s room a few times.\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> “Hopefully a lot of the coaching can be done before or after the playdate, not in front of the peer or not pulling the child out in the middle in a way that would look weird to the peer. That’s compromising autonomy.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Instead of trying to stop things from happening, Poisson accepted the occasional bad playdate as part of the process. “And then we just reflect. ‘What were you doing?’ and ‘What were they doing’ and ‘What could you do?’” she said. Poisson found that when she let go of her own anxieties about how the playdates were going, she got better outcomes. Ultimately Poisson felt that her son’s playdates got better as she used the parental friendship coaching approach. “The biggest thing was for me to just kind of back off a little bit, trust him, use what they had given us, and then just see how it played out,” she said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents aren’t supposed to be their child’s friendship coach forever, according to Mikami. “It’s meant to be an investment in the early stages of a relationship. And so once your child gains more of these friendship skills and hits it off with a peer, then parents should have a plan to back off,” she said.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parental friendship coaching is one of many ways to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61615/understanding-and-supporting-girls-with-adhd?fbclid=IwAR3pLgnT2LVLSuCPf1X-ks7tYFbXH0qB5FhcFVJ1zMt-YP1BNHFn130fGEs\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improve social outcomes for kids with ADHD\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Mikami encouraged parents to be kind to themselves as they try to meet their child’s needs. “Your child is a different, independent and sentient living being and is not going to do everything the way that you hope and everything is not going to work the way that you hope, whether your child has ADHD or is neurotypical,” said Mikami. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Parental friendship coaching, a treatment model developed by psychologist Amori Mikami, can strengthen parent-child bonds and foster social skills for kids with ADHD.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1689042061,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":19,"wordCount":1572},"headData":{"title":"How parents can help children with ADHD thrive in friendships | KQED","description":"Parental friendship coaching, a model developed by psychologist Amori Mikami, can strengthen parent-child bonds and foster social skills for kids with ADHD.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"Parental friendship coaching, a model developed by psychologist Amori Mikami, can strengthen parent-child bonds and foster social skills for kids with ADHD."},"excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/61966/how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Vibrant” is how Caroline Poisson describes her seven-year-old son. “He’s incredible, enthusiastic and curious,” she said. “And then there’s a side of what we call kryptonite and we talk about his ADHD brain, where there are some things that are just really hard for him.” \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://childmind.org/article/helping-kids-who-struggle-with-executive-functions/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Like many kids with ADHD\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, Poisson’s son struggles with executive function skills – the cognitive abilities that help people plan, stay organized, pay attention, control emotions and make decisions. Without a good grasp on these skills \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2827258/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">it can be hard to make friends and strengthen the social skills\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> needed to navigate adulthood. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents of kids with ADHD often say their kids miss social cues, such as when peers are bored, hurt or offended, according to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://psych.ubc.ca/profile/amori-mikami/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Amori Mikami\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia in Canada. “It can lead to a lot of outbursts or temper tantrums or whining and complaining or arguing with the friend,” she said. Mikami researches peer relationships, specifically focusing on children with ADHD. Additionally, she developed a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781003221715/parents-friendship-coaches-children-adhd-amori-yee-mikami-s%C3%A9bastien-normand\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">parental friendship coaching (PFC) model\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> where parents of elementary school-age kids can learn to support their child in \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">making friends\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">PFC programs can be found in participating mental health centers or specialized ADHD treatment centers. If a PFC program is not offered nearby, Mikami recommended sharing\u003ca href=\"https://www.routledge.com/Parents-as-Friendship-Coaches-for-Children-with-ADHD-A-Clinical-Guide/Mikami-Normand/p/book/9781032118284?gclid=CjwKCAjwzJmlBhBBEiwAEJyLu0horPV7Yoz2ngrgzlivLBHna-o6JZHExhSlDDcRd6Qti5XHj7KltxoCEHAQAvD_BwE\"> a link\u003c/a> to the treatment manual with a local provider who has experience providing behavioral parent training for families of kids with ADHD and can work with the family to implement the treatment.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Participants meet with mental health professionals and other parents of kids with ADHD for 10 sessions over several weeks to practice strategies to improve their child’s social behavior. While the parental friendship coaching model can be used individually, a group format lends itself to community and collaboration among parents. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15374416.2017.1390757?journalCode=hcap20\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research trials\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> of PFC\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> have shown improvement in children’s \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">social behaviors such as taking turns, sharing and negotiating. A key goal for many parents who use this approach is to help their child have successful playdates and — ideally — deepen their friendships.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Poisson, who found a PFC program online, had been in counseling herself after her son’s diagnosis and felt the program was a way that she could build on that support to help her son. Families where kids have started to be excluded from social activities with peers, are the ones who usually benefit from this program, according to Mikami. “The whole idea is that if your child doesn’t have any friends right now and really just doesn’t have the social skills to make friends, then throwing them in there on their own is too much and they need more scaffolding,” she said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Building a strong parent-child relationship\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents start PFC, the first things they focus on are strategies to strengthen their bond with their child. The parental friendship coaching model encourages parents like Poisson to spend special time connecting with their child so they’re more likely to be receptive to feedback. Examples of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60032/the-5-minute-daily-playtime-ritual-that-can-get-your-kids-to-listen-better\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">special time\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> may include sitting with their child as they draw and narrating the process or letting the child teach the parent a game.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At times, Poisson’s son resisted her feedback when she tried to help him develop better friendship behaviors. “Many parents, especially parents of kids with ADHD, have had the experience where they tell their child something – and maybe it’s even really good advice – but it’s like the brick wall goes up. The child gets very defensive,” said Mikami. “That defensiveness often comes from kids just anticipating that they’re going to do something wrong and they’re going to get a lot of corrective feedback, even if in the parent’s mind it is very well meaning.” Poisson noticed that when she spent special time with her son, his oppositional behavior decreased. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Liubov Delegan, who immigrated from Ukraine to Vancouver, Canada around the time of her eight-year-old son’s ADHD diagnosis, said the parental friendship coaching program taught her to use \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/toddlersandpreschoolers/communication/activelistening.html\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">active listening\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to strengthen her relationship with her child. Active listening means listening without jumping in with advice or criticism. When Delegan did that, she noticed that she asked her child more questions. “It gave more connection. It’s like ‘I can hear you. I hear what you’re saying and I’m interested in your opinion,’” she said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Nurturing children’s friendship skills \u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Once the parent-child relationship is strong and secure, the PFC program guides parents in nurturing their child’s friendship skills, including negotiation, conflict resolution and perspective taking. Parents are uniquely positioned to be friendship coaches because they have a deep understanding of their child’s strengths, challenges and individual needs. While a child’s therapist can provide tips and strategies, parents have access to real time situations and can provide in-the-moment support. “It can be really hard for the child to learn the skills in therapy and then remember to apply them when they’re with their peers in a totally different situation outside of therapy,” said Mikami. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">At a family game night, for example, parents may help their child improve social skills by incorporating breaks if the child gets worked up or praising the child when they are able to stay calm. Additionally, a parent might talk with a child about social cues to look for in playmates that show they might be bored.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To build her son’s friendship skills, Poisson used PFC’s corrective feedback strategies. When her son interacted with his peers she’d put emphasis on the behavior she’d like to see in the moment instead of focusing on what her son was doing wrong. “When you have kids with ADHD, it’s not intrinsic to them. They’re not able to necessarily pick up on all those social cues,” said Poisson. Before playdates, Poisson now ”frontloads” her son by talking to him about what it means to be a good friend and how a good friend might act.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Setting up successful playdates\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Lastly, the PFC model helps parents learn how to structure successful playdates for their child. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“If you know your child is only likely to behave well in a certain situation for 30 minutes, set your first playdate for 30 minutes,” suggested Mikami. Other factors that are helpful include picking an appropriate friend for the playdate — a peer who has similar interests and encourages good behavior. A parent of a child with ADHD may initially choose to host playdates because they have more control over the environment than if their child is a guest at a peer’s house. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although parents may feel the need to check in frequently during playdates, they learn in the PFC program that it’s important to make sure that their child experiences quality one-on-one time with their friend. \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Mikami said that there are ways for parents to monitor without being intrusive, such as doing laundry during the playdate, which requires walking in and out of the child’s room a few times.\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> “Hopefully a lot of the coaching can be done before or after the playdate, not in front of the peer or not pulling the child out in the middle in a way that would look weird to the peer. That’s compromising autonomy.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Instead of trying to stop things from happening, Poisson accepted the occasional bad playdate as part of the process. “And then we just reflect. ‘What were you doing?’ and ‘What were they doing’ and ‘What could you do?’” she said. Poisson found that when she let go of her own anxieties about how the playdates were going, she got better outcomes. Ultimately Poisson felt that her son’s playdates got better as she used the parental friendship coaching approach. “The biggest thing was for me to just kind of back off a little bit, trust him, use what they had given us, and then just see how it played out,” she said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents aren’t supposed to be their child’s friendship coach forever, according to Mikami. “It’s meant to be an investment in the early stages of a relationship. And so once your child gains more of these friendship skills and hits it off with a peer, then parents should have a plan to back off,” she said.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parental friendship coaching is one of many ways to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61615/understanding-and-supporting-girls-with-adhd?fbclid=IwAR3pLgnT2LVLSuCPf1X-ks7tYFbXH0qB5FhcFVJ1zMt-YP1BNHFn130fGEs\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improve social outcomes for kids with ADHD\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Mikami encouraged parents to be kind to themselves as they try to meet their child’s needs. “Your child is a different, independent and sentient living being and is not going to do everything the way that you hope and everything is not going to work the way that you hope, whether your child has ADHD or is neurotypical,” said Mikami. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/61966/how-parents-can-help-children-with-adhd-thrive-in-friendships","authors":["11721"],"categories":["mindshift_21280","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_20862","mindshift_20882","mindshift_20955","mindshift_21074","mindshift_21336","mindshift_20870","mindshift_20568","mindshift_290","mindshift_498","mindshift_20774","mindshift_943"],"featImg":"mindshift_61968","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_61492":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_61492","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"61492","score":null,"sort":[1682476837000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"relax-your-adult-child-is-probably-fine","title":"Relax: Your adult child is probably fine","publishDate":1682476837,"format":"standard","headTitle":"Relax: Your adult child is probably fine | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Before \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/ldsteinberg\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Laurence Steinberg\u003c/a> started writing his latest book, he poked around on Google to examine the literature on parents of adult children. What he found surprised him. Most books were about estrangement, what most would consider a semi-permanent rupture between parent and child. As for the everyday fears that plague many mothers and fathers of adult children — over their kids’ apparently unhurried educations, leisurely careers, and foot-dragging with romantic partners — there was little to nothing. The Temple University professor of psychology and neuroscience who has studied young adults for decades decided that anxious parents would benefit from a closer look at the mysterious young adults in their midst. \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.laurencesteinberg.com/books/you-and-your-adult-child\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times\u003c/a>\u003c/em> is a comforting reality check that many of us need.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-61501 alignright\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/youyouradultchild-160x242.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"242\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/youyouradultchild-160x242.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/youyouradultchild.jpg 264w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">“Delayed adulthood is a sociological phenomenon, not a psychological one; it’s a reflection of structural changes in the economy, the labor force and education,” Steinberg told me. Young adults do take longer than before to establish complete independence — about five years later than the prior generation. But there’s no evidence to support the notion that this delay is a signal of psychological distress. Indeed, settling more slowly into careers and family life makes sense when considering the cognitive development that’s occurring among those in their early 20s. Neuroscientists have figured out that \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">the young adult brain \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">is highly malleable and receptive to its environment. Young adults are growing and learning well into their 20s, meaning that the right challenges and experiences during this time will contribute to their development. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Steinberg debunks several established myths about older children that can preoccupy their parents. Consider marriage: As with other markers of young adulthood, marriage happens later than it ever used to — usually at age 30 for men and 28 for women — but does occur eventually for many people. Among individuals ages 33-44 in the top 40% of the income bracket, \u003ca href=\"https://www.brookings.edu/research/middle-class-marriage-is-declining-and-likely-deepening-inequality/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">almost 80% are married\u003c/a> — a similar number to their predecessors 40 years ago. While marriage is less common among lower-income couples, \u003ca href=\"https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2018/11/cohabitation-is-up-marriage-is-down-for-young-adults.html\">15% of 25- to 34-year-olds live with a partner\u003c/a>. Indeed, \u003ca href=\"https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/manning-carlson-trends-cohabitation-marriage-fp-21-04.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">75% of couples who got married from 2015-2019 cohabitated first\u003c/a>. There’s no need to fret over your happily unhitched older child: Many will marry eventually. “If I can help parents feel reassured that the world isn’t falling apart if their 30-year-old isn’t married, that will be valuable,” Steinberg told me. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents also worry about their kids’ delay in graduating from college and slow walk to finding a remunerative job. Why the dithering? Steinberg explains that the “four-year degree” is largely mythology: 40% of college freshmen never graduate, and those who do often take five or even six years to finish — a function, in part, of increasingly complex university degree requirements that tack on an extra semester or three. As well, graduates often find that potential employers expect their new hires to be learned in specialized skills that require even more training, further slowing their entry into the world of work. “It takes kids longer to get into their career,” Steinberg said. Also complicating matters, all the lead up to gainful employment often means kids remain financially dependent on their parents well into their 20s, or even beyond.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_61506\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\" style=\"max-width: 160px\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-61506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-160x240.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-1020x1530.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-1365x2048.jpg 1365w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-scaled.jpg 1707w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Laurence Steinberg\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If parents of older children want to ease tensions over some of these concerns, they might shift the way they think about and respond to their kids’ path to adulthood. The first rule is to avoid ponderous comparisons between your own (faster, tidier) route to maturity and your child’s; “when I was your age,” is a conversation killer. Also, when considering whether to weigh in about your child’s job search, partner, finances, social media use, housekeeping (the list goes on), adopt a variation of the Hippocratic Oath: first, do no harm. As Steinberg puts it, “Speak up when you must, but unless your child specifically asks for it, keep your opinion to yourself.” Such discretion may not come naturally to a generation of parents who have been \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/tag/overparenting\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">hovering anxiously over their children\u003c/a> since birth. But stepping back and staying mum is the way to give your adult kids space to make their own decisions. It also signals that you have faith in their ability to figure out their own lives. And when young adults do snap back at a well-intended suggestion to just send an email about job possibilities to a well-connected friend, try not to take it personally. Advice from parents can feel like an attack on their competence and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">ability to manage independently\u003c/a>. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To be sure, some young adults are floundering, and do need \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61186/what-parents-need-to-know-about-their-teens-mental-health\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">concerted support from their parents\u003c/a>. To protect against a \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61031/teen-girls-and-lgbtq-youth-plagued-by-violence-and-trauma-survey-says\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">mental health crisis\u003c/a>, parents should continue to provide love and support into their child’s adulthood, especially when their kids are under stress. They also might try to step in occasionally to offer practical support — babysitting, a dinner out or even a loan if money is the problem. Without being intrusive, they should encourage their grown kids to find ways to reduce stress. Finally, information about possible genetic inheritances that can make their offspring susceptible to alcoholism or mental illness should be discussed sensitively but clearly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There’s one more myth Steinberg explodes: Despite the glut of books with dire warnings about estrangement, such breaches are atypical in households where parents and kids have largely gotten along. The term itself is poorly defined, and varies from book to book; some classify temporary spats and disagreements between siblings as parent/child estrangement. Parenting books often talk about the bad side of things, Steinberg said. About adult kids, he added, “they want you in their life.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"In “You and Your Adult Child,” psychology and neuroscience professor Laurence Steinberg debunks myths about older children that can preoccupy their parents.\r\n","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1687978697,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":9,"wordCount":997},"headData":{"title":"Relax: Your adult child is probably fine | KQED","description":"In “You and Your Adult Child,” psychology and neuroscience professor Laurence Steinberg debunks myths about older children that can preoccupy their parents.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialDescription":"In “You and Your Adult Child,” psychology and neuroscience professor Laurence Steinberg debunks myths about older children that can preoccupy their parents."},"excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/61492/relax-your-adult-child-is-probably-fine","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Before \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/ldsteinberg\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Laurence Steinberg\u003c/a> started writing his latest book, he poked around on Google to examine the literature on parents of adult children. What he found surprised him. Most books were about estrangement, what most would consider a semi-permanent rupture between parent and child. As for the everyday fears that plague many mothers and fathers of adult children — over their kids’ apparently unhurried educations, leisurely careers, and foot-dragging with romantic partners — there was little to nothing. The Temple University professor of psychology and neuroscience who has studied young adults for decades decided that anxious parents would benefit from a closer look at the mysterious young adults in their midst. \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.laurencesteinberg.com/books/you-and-your-adult-child\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times\u003c/a>\u003c/em> is a comforting reality check that many of us need.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-61501 alignright\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/youyouradultchild-160x242.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"242\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/youyouradultchild-160x242.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/youyouradultchild.jpg 264w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">“Delayed adulthood is a sociological phenomenon, not a psychological one; it’s a reflection of structural changes in the economy, the labor force and education,” Steinberg told me. Young adults do take longer than before to establish complete independence — about five years later than the prior generation. But there’s no evidence to support the notion that this delay is a signal of psychological distress. Indeed, settling more slowly into careers and family life makes sense when considering the cognitive development that’s occurring among those in their early 20s. Neuroscientists have figured out that \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">the young adult brain \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">is highly malleable and receptive to its environment. Young adults are growing and learning well into their 20s, meaning that the right challenges and experiences during this time will contribute to their development. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Steinberg debunks several established myths about older children that can preoccupy their parents. Consider marriage: As with other markers of young adulthood, marriage happens later than it ever used to — usually at age 30 for men and 28 for women — but does occur eventually for many people. Among individuals ages 33-44 in the top 40% of the income bracket, \u003ca href=\"https://www.brookings.edu/research/middle-class-marriage-is-declining-and-likely-deepening-inequality/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">almost 80% are married\u003c/a> — a similar number to their predecessors 40 years ago. While marriage is less common among lower-income couples, \u003ca href=\"https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2018/11/cohabitation-is-up-marriage-is-down-for-young-adults.html\">15% of 25- to 34-year-olds live with a partner\u003c/a>. Indeed, \u003ca href=\"https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/manning-carlson-trends-cohabitation-marriage-fp-21-04.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">75% of couples who got married from 2015-2019 cohabitated first\u003c/a>. There’s no need to fret over your happily unhitched older child: Many will marry eventually. “If I can help parents feel reassured that the world isn’t falling apart if their 30-year-old isn’t married, that will be valuable,” Steinberg told me. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents also worry about their kids’ delay in graduating from college and slow walk to finding a remunerative job. Why the dithering? Steinberg explains that the “four-year degree” is largely mythology: 40% of college freshmen never graduate, and those who do often take five or even six years to finish — a function, in part, of increasingly complex university degree requirements that tack on an extra semester or three. As well, graduates often find that potential employers expect their new hires to be learned in specialized skills that require even more training, further slowing their entry into the world of work. “It takes kids longer to get into their career,” Steinberg said. Also complicating matters, all the lead up to gainful employment often means kids remain financially dependent on their parents well into their 20s, or even beyond.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_61506\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\" style=\"max-width: 160px\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-61506\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-160x240.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-1020x1530.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-1365x2048.jpg 1365w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2023/04/YAYAC-author-photo-scaled.jpg 1707w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Laurence Steinberg\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If parents of older children want to ease tensions over some of these concerns, they might shift the way they think about and respond to their kids’ path to adulthood. The first rule is to avoid ponderous comparisons between your own (faster, tidier) route to maturity and your child’s; “when I was your age,” is a conversation killer. Also, when considering whether to weigh in about your child’s job search, partner, finances, social media use, housekeeping (the list goes on), adopt a variation of the Hippocratic Oath: first, do no harm. As Steinberg puts it, “Speak up when you must, but unless your child specifically asks for it, keep your opinion to yourself.” Such discretion may not come naturally to a generation of parents who have been \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/tag/overparenting\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">hovering anxiously over their children\u003c/a> since birth. But stepping back and staying mum is the way to give your adult kids space to make their own decisions. It also signals that you have faith in their ability to figure out their own lives. And when young adults do snap back at a well-intended suggestion to just send an email about job possibilities to a well-connected friend, try not to take it personally. Advice from parents can feel like an attack on their competence and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">ability to manage independently\u003c/a>. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To be sure, some young adults are floundering, and do need \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61186/what-parents-need-to-know-about-their-teens-mental-health\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">concerted support from their parents\u003c/a>. To protect against a \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61031/teen-girls-and-lgbtq-youth-plagued-by-violence-and-trauma-survey-says\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">mental health crisis\u003c/a>, parents should continue to provide love and support into their child’s adulthood, especially when their kids are under stress. They also might try to step in occasionally to offer practical support — babysitting, a dinner out or even a loan if money is the problem. Without being intrusive, they should encourage their grown kids to find ways to reduce stress. Finally, information about possible genetic inheritances that can make their offspring susceptible to alcoholism or mental illness should be discussed sensitively but clearly.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There’s one more myth Steinberg explodes: Despite the glut of books with dire warnings about estrangement, such breaches are atypical in households where parents and kids have largely gotten along. The term itself is poorly defined, and varies from book to book; some classify temporary spats and disagreements between siblings as parent/child estrangement. Parenting books often talk about the bad side of things, Steinberg said. About adult kids, he added, “they want you in their life.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/61492/relax-your-adult-child-is-probably-fine","authors":["4613"],"categories":["mindshift_21445","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21602","mindshift_21603","mindshift_21507","mindshift_20870","mindshift_231","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21038"],"featImg":"mindshift_61500","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_60100":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_60100","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"60100","score":null,"sort":[1671620456000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-economic-anxiety-and-demographic-changes-turned-parent-into-a-verb","title":"How economic anxiety and demographic changes turned ‘parent’ into a verb","publishDate":1671620456,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Excerpted from “\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262047159/long-days-short-years/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Long Days, Short Years: A Cultural History of Modern Parenting\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">” by Andrew Bomback, © 2022 Massachusetts Institute of Technology.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Over just a few decades, parents have increased the amount of time, attention, and money applied to raising children. A mother today who works outside the home spends a similar amount of time and considerably more money (inflation-adjusted) tending her children than a stay-at-home mom did in the 1970s. The usage graphs for the verb form of “parent” on Google Books Ngram Viewer could stand in for similar plots depicting hours per day or dollars per child spent by parents over the last five decades.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The verb form of “parent”—in particular, its gerund “parenting”—was first employed in the United States in the late 1950s according to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. However, Fitzhugh Dodson’s 1970 book, “How to Parent,” is credited with introducing the verb to a wide audience, defined as “to use with tender loving care all the information science has accumulated about child psychology in order to raise happy and intelligent human beings.” The book became an international best seller and, in turn, irrevocably transformed parenthood from someone to be into something to do. Modern parents, who’ve had fifty years since the book’s publication to absorb the aforementioned “endless, anxious journey of guilt,” would likely be shocked reading “How to Parent” today. Dodson repeatedly advocates spanking and compares disciplining children to training and domesticating animals. These harsh precepts were advanced during a time, as Jennifer Senior points out in “All Joy and No Fun,” when “women were yanking off their aprons, taking the Pill, and fighting for the Equal Rights Amendment.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_60102\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 983px\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-60102 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001.png\" alt=\"A chart tracking how often the word parenting appears in books over the last century.\" width=\"983\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001.png 983w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001-800x290.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001-160x58.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001-768x278.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 983px) 100vw, 983px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The Google Books Ngram Viewer charts the frequencies of any set of search strings using a yearly count of n-grams found in sources printed since 1500 in Google’s text corpora in English, Chinese, French, German, Hebrew, Italian, Russian, and Spanish. The x-axis denotes the year in which works were published; the y-axis shows the frequency with which the n-gram appears throughout the corpus. This usage graph plots the abrupt rise of “parenting” in works published between 1970 and 2000. (Courtesy MIT Press)\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The verb form of “parent” entered common usage not because of Dodson’s particular parenting advice but because his book and verb promised empowerment, particularly to women who were leaving home for the workforce in increasing numbers. Raising children was now repurposed as a skill or science that could be learned, practiced, and eventually mastered. This transformation wasn’t limited solely to working mothers either. Around this time, the nomenclature for non-working mothers shifted from “housewife” to “stay-at-home mom.” Senior elucidates why this not-so-minor change in title reflected an overall new cultural emphasis: “The pressures on women [had] gone from keeping an immaculate house to being an irreproachable mom.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Pressure, as Senior uses the word, is a euphemism for anxiety, which has been a driving force behind shifts in American parenting styles since the country’s inception. A theme emerges when exploring parental anxieties from generation to generation: parents have always focused their concerns on what they can try to control rather than what they know they cannot. Indeed, the awareness that so many crucial factors in a child’s development are beyond a parent’s control often fuels a parent’s anxiety about what is seemingly controllable. \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This is one area I can make a difference, so I better not mess it up.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> If we view the seventeenth-century Pilgrims and Puritans as the earliest American parents (recognizing, of course, the thousands of Indigenous parents already here at the time), we already see the pattern in place. The Puritans should have feared infection, the most likely cause of death for everyone in the family, but instead aimed their parenting efforts at rooting out corruption and sin in their children.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"alignright wp-image-60165\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/longdaysshortyears.jpg\" alt=\"Long Days, Short Years\" width=\"250\" height=\"383\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/longdaysshortyears.jpg 652w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/longdaysshortyears-160x245.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 250px) 100vw, 250px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Three hundred years later, post-war parents were powerless against the threat of nuclear attack but could control whether their children ate enough servings of fruits, vegetables, bread, and dairy each day. Parents in the 1970s and 1980s seem, from today’s vantage point, irrationally obsessed with a fear of kidnapping, which may reflect a more deep-seated worry about whether the entry of women into the workforce was a form of child abandonment. The tendency for parents today to control their children’s time via over-scheduling of “enrichment” activities could be interpreted as a response (rational or irrational) to concerns about child safety, especially in light of the potential dangers lurking on nearby screens. The more likely drive toward the “concerted cultivation” of children, however, is a fear response to economic anxieties. The current generation of parents is the first to have less overall wealth, on average, than the preceding generation of parents. This trend is expected to continue, not reverse. And with rare exceptions, parents today are no longer training their children for a skilled trade or a place in the family business. The overscheduling of the middle-class child with violin lessons and Chinese language tutors and indoor soccer leagues may feel like, as Nora Ephron joked, “force-feeding it like a foie gras goose.” In truth, the (Ephron’s words again) “altering, modifying, modulating, manipulating, smoothing out, improving” efforts that embody twenty-first-century parenting are a fear-driven attempt to prepare children for the harsh economic landscape awaiting them at the end of childhood.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety alone does not explain the immersive, all-in approach to raising children that has made parenting a competitive and often unenjoyable sport. The demographics have changed too. Parents today are older when they first take on the role of mom or dad (the average age at first birth for college-educated women now exceeds thirty years of age) compared to their own parents and grandparents. And with older age comes fewer children, so that today’s kids can consume greater and greater quantities of their parents’ attention. I had three brothers and am hard-pressed to remember classmates who were only children; the few I can remember were the children of divorce, and most had half-siblings (and entirely separate families) against whom they were competing for their parents’ time.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Postponing parenthood also gives couples more years of childless freedom against which their child-rearing years can be compared. The before versus after contrast can be taxing on parents who may question why they relinquished this freedom to join the ranks of a stressed, exhausted, and often miserable cohort. Non-parents consistently report being happier, when quantified in studies, than parents. Interestingly, the country with the greatest gap in happiness levels between parents and non-parents is the United States, by a significant margin (the differences in such levels correlate, to some degree, with the availability of childcare and other nationally provided welfare benefits). Parental unhappiness may not be a new phenomenon, but open discussion about such unhappiness clearly has hit its stride in the modern era. Unhappy parents who believe that “better” children hold the key to unlocking a secret realm of family happiness are willing to try (and buy) anything to reach that goal.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/asbomback\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cimg class=\"alignleft wp-image-60184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"Andrew Bomback\" width=\"200\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger.jpg 853w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">A\u003cem>ndrew Bomback\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cem>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> is Associate Professor of Medicine at Columbia University Irving Medical Center and the author of “Doctor.” His essays have appeared in the Atlantic, Los Angeles Review of Books, McSweeney’s and elsewhere. He lives in Hastings on Hudson, New York.\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Anxiety about declining wealth and a rise in older parents with fewer kids has fueled an immersive, all-in approach to raising kids, writes Andrew Bomback in \"Long Days, Short Years.\"","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1671397860,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":12,"wordCount":1308},"headData":{"title":"How economic anxiety and demographic changes turned ‘parent’ into a verb - MindShift","description":"Anxiety about declining wealth and a rise in older parents with fewer kids has fueled an immersive, all-in approach to raising kids, writes Andrew Bomback.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","articleAge":"0","path":"/mindshift/60100/how-economic-anxiety-and-demographic-changes-turned-parent-into-a-verb","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Excerpted from “\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262047159/long-days-short-years/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Long Days, Short Years: A Cultural History of Modern Parenting\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">” by Andrew Bomback, © 2022 Massachusetts Institute of Technology.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Over just a few decades, parents have increased the amount of time, attention, and money applied to raising children. A mother today who works outside the home spends a similar amount of time and considerably more money (inflation-adjusted) tending her children than a stay-at-home mom did in the 1970s. The usage graphs for the verb form of “parent” on Google Books Ngram Viewer could stand in for similar plots depicting hours per day or dollars per child spent by parents over the last five decades.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The verb form of “parent”—in particular, its gerund “parenting”—was first employed in the United States in the late 1950s according to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. However, Fitzhugh Dodson’s 1970 book, “How to Parent,” is credited with introducing the verb to a wide audience, defined as “to use with tender loving care all the information science has accumulated about child psychology in order to raise happy and intelligent human beings.” The book became an international best seller and, in turn, irrevocably transformed parenthood from someone to be into something to do. Modern parents, who’ve had fifty years since the book’s publication to absorb the aforementioned “endless, anxious journey of guilt,” would likely be shocked reading “How to Parent” today. Dodson repeatedly advocates spanking and compares disciplining children to training and domesticating animals. These harsh precepts were advanced during a time, as Jennifer Senior points out in “All Joy and No Fun,” when “women were yanking off their aprons, taking the Pill, and fighting for the Equal Rights Amendment.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_60102\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 983px\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-60102 size-full\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001.png\" alt=\"A chart tracking how often the word parenting appears in books over the last century.\" width=\"983\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001.png 983w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001-800x290.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001-160x58.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/13682_002_fig_001-768x278.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 983px) 100vw, 983px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The Google Books Ngram Viewer charts the frequencies of any set of search strings using a yearly count of n-grams found in sources printed since 1500 in Google’s text corpora in English, Chinese, French, German, Hebrew, Italian, Russian, and Spanish. The x-axis denotes the year in which works were published; the y-axis shows the frequency with which the n-gram appears throughout the corpus. This usage graph plots the abrupt rise of “parenting” in works published between 1970 and 2000. (Courtesy MIT Press)\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The verb form of “parent” entered common usage not because of Dodson’s particular parenting advice but because his book and verb promised empowerment, particularly to women who were leaving home for the workforce in increasing numbers. Raising children was now repurposed as a skill or science that could be learned, practiced, and eventually mastered. This transformation wasn’t limited solely to working mothers either. Around this time, the nomenclature for non-working mothers shifted from “housewife” to “stay-at-home mom.” Senior elucidates why this not-so-minor change in title reflected an overall new cultural emphasis: “The pressures on women [had] gone from keeping an immaculate house to being an irreproachable mom.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Pressure, as Senior uses the word, is a euphemism for anxiety, which has been a driving force behind shifts in American parenting styles since the country’s inception. A theme emerges when exploring parental anxieties from generation to generation: parents have always focused their concerns on what they can try to control rather than what they know they cannot. Indeed, the awareness that so many crucial factors in a child’s development are beyond a parent’s control often fuels a parent’s anxiety about what is seemingly controllable. \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This is one area I can make a difference, so I better not mess it up.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> If we view the seventeenth-century Pilgrims and Puritans as the earliest American parents (recognizing, of course, the thousands of Indigenous parents already here at the time), we already see the pattern in place. The Puritans should have feared infection, the most likely cause of death for everyone in the family, but instead aimed their parenting efforts at rooting out corruption and sin in their children.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"alignright wp-image-60165\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/longdaysshortyears.jpg\" alt=\"Long Days, Short Years\" width=\"250\" height=\"383\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/longdaysshortyears.jpg 652w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/longdaysshortyears-160x245.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 250px) 100vw, 250px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Three hundred years later, post-war parents were powerless against the threat of nuclear attack but could control whether their children ate enough servings of fruits, vegetables, bread, and dairy each day. Parents in the 1970s and 1980s seem, from today’s vantage point, irrationally obsessed with a fear of kidnapping, which may reflect a more deep-seated worry about whether the entry of women into the workforce was a form of child abandonment. The tendency for parents today to control their children’s time via over-scheduling of “enrichment” activities could be interpreted as a response (rational or irrational) to concerns about child safety, especially in light of the potential dangers lurking on nearby screens. The more likely drive toward the “concerted cultivation” of children, however, is a fear response to economic anxieties. The current generation of parents is the first to have less overall wealth, on average, than the preceding generation of parents. This trend is expected to continue, not reverse. And with rare exceptions, parents today are no longer training their children for a skilled trade or a place in the family business. The overscheduling of the middle-class child with violin lessons and Chinese language tutors and indoor soccer leagues may feel like, as Nora Ephron joked, “force-feeding it like a foie gras goose.” In truth, the (Ephron’s words again) “altering, modifying, modulating, manipulating, smoothing out, improving” efforts that embody twenty-first-century parenting are a fear-driven attempt to prepare children for the harsh economic landscape awaiting them at the end of childhood.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anxiety alone does not explain the immersive, all-in approach to raising children that has made parenting a competitive and often unenjoyable sport. The demographics have changed too. Parents today are older when they first take on the role of mom or dad (the average age at first birth for college-educated women now exceeds thirty years of age) compared to their own parents and grandparents. And with older age comes fewer children, so that today’s kids can consume greater and greater quantities of their parents’ attention. I had three brothers and am hard-pressed to remember classmates who were only children; the few I can remember were the children of divorce, and most had half-siblings (and entirely separate families) against whom they were competing for their parents’ time.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Postponing parenthood also gives couples more years of childless freedom against which their child-rearing years can be compared. The before versus after contrast can be taxing on parents who may question why they relinquished this freedom to join the ranks of a stressed, exhausted, and often miserable cohort. Non-parents consistently report being happier, when quantified in studies, than parents. Interestingly, the country with the greatest gap in happiness levels between parents and non-parents is the United States, by a significant margin (the differences in such levels correlate, to some degree, with the availability of childcare and other nationally provided welfare benefits). Parental unhappiness may not be a new phenomenon, but open discussion about such unhappiness clearly has hit its stride in the modern era. Unhappy parents who believe that “better” children hold the key to unlocking a secret realm of family happiness are willing to try (and buy) anything to reach that goal.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/asbomback\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cimg class=\"alignleft wp-image-60184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"Andrew Bomback\" width=\"200\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-160x240.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/11/Au-photo_cred-Jim-Metzger.jpg 853w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">A\u003cem>ndrew Bomback\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cem>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> is Associate Professor of Medicine at Columbia University Irving Medical Center and the author of “Doctor.” His essays have appeared in the Atlantic, Los Angeles Review of Books, McSweeney’s and elsewhere. He lives in Hastings on Hudson, New York.\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/60100/how-economic-anxiety-and-demographic-changes-turned-parent-into-a-verb","authors":["4354"],"categories":["mindshift_21491","mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_20589","mindshift_20870","mindshift_20568","mindshift_20925"],"featImg":"mindshift_60392","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_59485":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_59485","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"59485","score":null,"sort":[1655796585000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-parents-can-nurture-childrens-self-esteem-without-raising-narcissists","title":"How parents can nurture children’s self-esteem without raising narcissists","publishDate":1655796585,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cem>Excerpted from \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/618206/how-to-raise-kids-who-arent-assholes-by-melinda-wenner-moyer/\">How to Raise Kids Who Aren't A**holes\u003c/a>\" by Melinda Wenner Moyer. Copyright © 2021 by Melinda Wenner Moyer and excerpted by permission of G.P. Putnam's Sons. All rights reserved.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch4>By Melinda Wenner Moyer\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>First, I want to correct a misconception that many parents have about self-esteem. There’s a widespread worry that if you foster healthy self-esteem in your kids, you could inadvertently turn them into self-loving narcissists. I have good news on this front: Narcissism is a very different beast from healthy self-esteem, and it develops differently, too. You can’t just fill a child’s self-esteem bucket “too high” and turn him into a narcissist. (Also, you may have heard of well-publicized research suggesting that we are experiencing a new “epidemic of narcissism” in the US, in that teens today are much more narcissistic than teens from decades past, but recent studies have challenged these claims.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As it turns out, there’s a big difference between self-content kids and narcissists. Kids with healthy self-esteem accept and love themselves for who they are and don’t base their sense of self- worth on others. Narcissists, on the other hand, are constantly in comparison mode, believing that they’re better than everyone else—but also consumed by the need to prove their superiority.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How do kids become narcissistic? Eddie Brummelman has been studying this question for years, and he’s found that narcissists usually have parents who put their kids on pedestals—who believe their children are smarter and better than everyone else and treat them that way. (Interestingly, these parents also tend to give their kids unusual first names.) We have all met parents like this, who would probably look adoringly at their children even as those children were throwing dog poop at them. He just has so much spunk, doesn’t he, the parent might say, just before getting smacked in the face with poodle feces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, though, kids with narcissistic traits often are quite troubled. They can bully (because bullying makes them feel superior to their peers), and they can respond to criticism or rejection with anger and aggression. Their lives are also often pretty sad: Narcissists boast and brag and criticize others to get others to like and admire them, but their strategies ultimately backfire, alienating the very people they want to win over. To make matters worse, they rarely seek help for their problems, perhaps because they cannot recognize they need it. (Note, though, that narcissism doesn’t develop until the age of seven or eight. Before that, kids can certainly act like narcissists, but their declarations that they are the Most Exceptional Humans Ever is, in fact, developmentally appropriate and not a sign that a kid is growing up to be Donald Trump.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again, if you’re not the kind of parent who smiles lovingly at your child while he does obnoxious things, you probably don’t have much to worry about with regard to narcissism. But as I’ll explain next, parents often do make mistakes—albeit well-intentioned ones, ones I’ve made myself—that can have lasting effects on kids’ self-esteem.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch4>What today's parents get wrong\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>Raising a kid is not easy these days. In addition to all the age-old child-rearing challenges, we also have to contend with the fact that our children’s success feels more elusive to us than it did to our parents and grandparents (not to mention that we’ve recently weathered a pandemic that has kept our kids out of school). Every year, elite colleges receive more and more applicants for the same number of spots. At the ten most competitive US universities, the admissions rate dropped by nearly 60 percent between 2006 and 2018, from an average of 16 percent in 2006 to 6.4 percent in 2018; at the top fifty universities, the rate dropped by nearly 40 percent. No wonder admissions scandals have been rampant.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/how-to-raise-kids-who-arent-assholes/\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright wp-image-59501\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Wenner-Moyer-1-160x241.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"302\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Wenner-Moyer-1-160x241.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Wenner-Moyer-1.jpg 315w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>The issues parents face today encompass a lot more than just college admissions. When the Organisation for Economic Co- operation and Development (OECD) asked parents in 2019 to rank their top three long-term economic and social fears, 60 percent said that they worried that their children would not achieve the level of status and comfort that they have. That’s in part because kids will have to earn a lot more money than their parents did in order to maintain the same standard of living. We’re all terrified on behalf of our kids, and for good reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So it probably comes as no surprise to most of you that American parents—especially those from the middle- and upper- middle classes—now put a ton of pressure on their kids to be exceptional. It starts young: Kids who haven’t yet turned two are being professionally coached for preschool interviews; three-year-olds are taking Mandarin and coding classes to “get ahead”; kindergarteners are being required to learn chess; fourth graders are taking SAT prep classes and working with private sports coaches. There’s even a national chain of preschools called Crème de la Crème that teaches toddlers Mandarin, theater, and robotics in facilities that feature on-site STEM labs, baseball diamonds, art studios, basketball courts, and computer labs. (Important note: Research suggests that kids who attend play-based schools learn just as much as, if not more than, kids who attend more academically focused schools.) It’s no longer good enough for our kids to be nurtured and well-rounded, and to enjoy learning; they now have to win competitions, make All-American sports teams, and get leads in the musicals while also, of course, getting straight As and acing the SATs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In his 2015 book Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis, Harvard emeritus political scientist Robert D. Putnam explained that in the 1980s, middle- and upper-class American parents— especially highly educated ones—began to shift their ideas about what it meant to be a good parent. They began moving away from Benjamin Spock’s “permissive parenting” approach and toward a new kind of “intensive parenting,” fueled in part by the idea that children will be more successful if we push them harder at a young age. So now, forty years later, toddler STEM labs. Don’t get me wrong; I’m one of these parents, too. I haven’t enrolled my kids in Mandarin classes, but I worry perhaps too much about whether they will succeed and what I need to do to ensure they will. When my son brings home his report card, it’s all I can do not to analyze every grade and ponder what his poor marks for handwriting mean for his future. If competition is much fiercer than it used to be, how can we not feel the pressure and, intentionally or not, shift some of that pressure onto our kids? Who can blame us for feeling scared and wanting to do everything we can to give our kids a leg up?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here’s the thing, though: This pressure is not good for our kids’ self-esteem. Research suggests that when parents overemphasize achievement, kids start to infer that achievement defines who they are and how much value they have. And sometimes, our disappointment and anger over their failures is so palpable that they feel like our love for them is contingent upon their success —reinforcing the idea that their value, and lovability, is defined by what they do, not who they are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I’m not saying any of us outright say that we won’t love our kids if they get Cs, but kids make these inferences based on how we act. In a survey published in 2014, Harvard University Graduate School of Education researchers interviewed more than ten thousand middle and high school students from thirty-three schools across the country about what they thought their parents wanted most for them. Two-thirds of the students said they believed their parents would rank achievement over caring for others. The students were also three times more likely to agree than to disagree with the statement “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” In her book \"Kid Confidence,\" psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore argued that healthy self-esteem is essentially the ability to let go of the question “Am I good enough?”— and when parents pressure their kids to achieve, they never give kids the chance to stop asking that question.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_59487\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\" style=\"max-width: 250px\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-59487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Moyer-Photo-%C2%A9-Gabrielle-Gerard-Photography-2020-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"313\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Author photo by Gabrielle Gerard (Courtesy of Penguin Random House)\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Melinda Wenner Moyer is a contributing editor at Scientific \u003c/em>\u003cem>American magazine and a regular contributor to The New York Times, Washington Post, and other national magazines and newspapers. She is a faculty member in the Science, Health & Environmental Reporting program at NYU’s Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute. Her first book, \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/how-to-raise-kids-who-arent-assholes/\">How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t A**holes\u003c/a>,\" was published in July 2021 by J.P. Putnam’s Sons. You can follow her on Twitter at \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/lindy2350\">@lindy2350\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"For parents who worry about fostering the wrong behaviors in their children, “ How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes” by Melinda Wenner Moyer provides tips on healthy ways to reinforce our kids’ value and lovability. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1655796585,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":15,"wordCount":1595},"headData":{"title":"How parents can nurture children’s self-esteem without raising narcissists - MindShift","description":"For parents who worry about fostering the wrong behaviors in their children, “ How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes” by Melinda Wenner Moyer provides tips on healthy ways to reinforce our kids’ value and lovability.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"59485 https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=59485","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2022/06/21/how-parents-can-nurture-childrens-self-esteem-without-raising-narcissists/","disqusTitle":"How parents can nurture children’s self-esteem without raising narcissists","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","path":"/mindshift/59485/how-parents-can-nurture-childrens-self-esteem-without-raising-narcissists","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Excerpted from \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/618206/how-to-raise-kids-who-arent-assholes-by-melinda-wenner-moyer/\">How to Raise Kids Who Aren't A**holes\u003c/a>\" by Melinda Wenner Moyer. Copyright © 2021 by Melinda Wenner Moyer and excerpted by permission of G.P. Putnam's Sons. All rights reserved.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch4>By Melinda Wenner Moyer\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>First, I want to correct a misconception that many parents have about self-esteem. There’s a widespread worry that if you foster healthy self-esteem in your kids, you could inadvertently turn them into self-loving narcissists. I have good news on this front: Narcissism is a very different beast from healthy self-esteem, and it develops differently, too. You can’t just fill a child’s self-esteem bucket “too high” and turn him into a narcissist. (Also, you may have heard of well-publicized research suggesting that we are experiencing a new “epidemic of narcissism” in the US, in that teens today are much more narcissistic than teens from decades past, but recent studies have challenged these claims.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As it turns out, there’s a big difference between self-content kids and narcissists. Kids with healthy self-esteem accept and love themselves for who they are and don’t base their sense of self- worth on others. Narcissists, on the other hand, are constantly in comparison mode, believing that they’re better than everyone else—but also consumed by the need to prove their superiority.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How do kids become narcissistic? Eddie Brummelman has been studying this question for years, and he’s found that narcissists usually have parents who put their kids on pedestals—who believe their children are smarter and better than everyone else and treat them that way. (Interestingly, these parents also tend to give their kids unusual first names.) We have all met parents like this, who would probably look adoringly at their children even as those children were throwing dog poop at them. He just has so much spunk, doesn’t he, the parent might say, just before getting smacked in the face with poodle feces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, though, kids with narcissistic traits often are quite troubled. They can bully (because bullying makes them feel superior to their peers), and they can respond to criticism or rejection with anger and aggression. Their lives are also often pretty sad: Narcissists boast and brag and criticize others to get others to like and admire them, but their strategies ultimately backfire, alienating the very people they want to win over. To make matters worse, they rarely seek help for their problems, perhaps because they cannot recognize they need it. (Note, though, that narcissism doesn’t develop until the age of seven or eight. Before that, kids can certainly act like narcissists, but their declarations that they are the Most Exceptional Humans Ever is, in fact, developmentally appropriate and not a sign that a kid is growing up to be Donald Trump.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Again, if you’re not the kind of parent who smiles lovingly at your child while he does obnoxious things, you probably don’t have much to worry about with regard to narcissism. But as I’ll explain next, parents often do make mistakes—albeit well-intentioned ones, ones I’ve made myself—that can have lasting effects on kids’ self-esteem.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch4>What today's parents get wrong\u003c/h4>\n\u003cp>Raising a kid is not easy these days. In addition to all the age-old child-rearing challenges, we also have to contend with the fact that our children’s success feels more elusive to us than it did to our parents and grandparents (not to mention that we’ve recently weathered a pandemic that has kept our kids out of school). Every year, elite colleges receive more and more applicants for the same number of spots. At the ten most competitive US universities, the admissions rate dropped by nearly 60 percent between 2006 and 2018, from an average of 16 percent in 2006 to 6.4 percent in 2018; at the top fifty universities, the rate dropped by nearly 40 percent. No wonder admissions scandals have been rampant.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/how-to-raise-kids-who-arent-assholes/\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright wp-image-59501\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Wenner-Moyer-1-160x241.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"302\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Wenner-Moyer-1-160x241.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Wenner-Moyer-1.jpg 315w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/a>The issues parents face today encompass a lot more than just college admissions. When the Organisation for Economic Co- operation and Development (OECD) asked parents in 2019 to rank their top three long-term economic and social fears, 60 percent said that they worried that their children would not achieve the level of status and comfort that they have. That’s in part because kids will have to earn a lot more money than their parents did in order to maintain the same standard of living. We’re all terrified on behalf of our kids, and for good reason.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So it probably comes as no surprise to most of you that American parents—especially those from the middle- and upper- middle classes—now put a ton of pressure on their kids to be exceptional. It starts young: Kids who haven’t yet turned two are being professionally coached for preschool interviews; three-year-olds are taking Mandarin and coding classes to “get ahead”; kindergarteners are being required to learn chess; fourth graders are taking SAT prep classes and working with private sports coaches. There’s even a national chain of preschools called Crème de la Crème that teaches toddlers Mandarin, theater, and robotics in facilities that feature on-site STEM labs, baseball diamonds, art studios, basketball courts, and computer labs. (Important note: Research suggests that kids who attend play-based schools learn just as much as, if not more than, kids who attend more academically focused schools.) It’s no longer good enough for our kids to be nurtured and well-rounded, and to enjoy learning; they now have to win competitions, make All-American sports teams, and get leads in the musicals while also, of course, getting straight As and acing the SATs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In his 2015 book Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis, Harvard emeritus political scientist Robert D. Putnam explained that in the 1980s, middle- and upper-class American parents— especially highly educated ones—began to shift their ideas about what it meant to be a good parent. They began moving away from Benjamin Spock’s “permissive parenting” approach and toward a new kind of “intensive parenting,” fueled in part by the idea that children will be more successful if we push them harder at a young age. So now, forty years later, toddler STEM labs. Don’t get me wrong; I’m one of these parents, too. I haven’t enrolled my kids in Mandarin classes, but I worry perhaps too much about whether they will succeed and what I need to do to ensure they will. When my son brings home his report card, it’s all I can do not to analyze every grade and ponder what his poor marks for handwriting mean for his future. If competition is much fiercer than it used to be, how can we not feel the pressure and, intentionally or not, shift some of that pressure onto our kids? Who can blame us for feeling scared and wanting to do everything we can to give our kids a leg up?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here’s the thing, though: This pressure is not good for our kids’ self-esteem. Research suggests that when parents overemphasize achievement, kids start to infer that achievement defines who they are and how much value they have. And sometimes, our disappointment and anger over their failures is so palpable that they feel like our love for them is contingent upon their success —reinforcing the idea that their value, and lovability, is defined by what they do, not who they are.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I’m not saying any of us outright say that we won’t love our kids if they get Cs, but kids make these inferences based on how we act. In a survey published in 2014, Harvard University Graduate School of Education researchers interviewed more than ten thousand middle and high school students from thirty-three schools across the country about what they thought their parents wanted most for them. Two-thirds of the students said they believed their parents would rank achievement over caring for others. The students were also three times more likely to agree than to disagree with the statement “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” In her book \"Kid Confidence,\" psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore argued that healthy self-esteem is essentially the ability to let go of the question “Am I good enough?”— and when parents pressure their kids to achieve, they never give kids the chance to stop asking that question.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_59487\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\" style=\"max-width: 250px\">\u003cimg class=\"wp-image-59487\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2022/06/Melinda-Moyer-Photo-%C2%A9-Gabrielle-Gerard-Photography-2020-800x1200.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"313\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Author photo by Gabrielle Gerard (Courtesy of Penguin Random House)\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Melinda Wenner Moyer is a contributing editor at Scientific \u003c/em>\u003cem>American magazine and a regular contributor to The New York Times, Washington Post, and other national magazines and newspapers. She is a faculty member in the Science, Health & Environmental Reporting program at NYU’s Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute. Her first book, \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/how-to-raise-kids-who-arent-assholes/\">How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t A**holes\u003c/a>,\" was published in July 2021 by J.P. Putnam’s Sons. You can follow her on Twitter at \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/lindy2350\">@lindy2350\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/59485/how-parents-can-nurture-childrens-self-esteem-without-raising-narcissists","authors":["11721"],"categories":["mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_21198","mindshift_20870","mindshift_20568","mindshift_290","mindshift_20925"],"featImg":"mindshift_59489","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_58352":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_58352","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"58352","score":null,"sort":[1629097460000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-your-kids-can-have-fun-without-stressing-you-out","title":"How Your Kids Can Have Fun Without Stressing You Out","publishDate":1629097460,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>Admitting this makes me feel like a bad mom, but it's the truth: I don't enjoy \"kid-friendly\" places. At birthday parties, zoos and play areas, I'm either completely bored or utterly overstimulated. The noise, the lights, the chaos! After an hour or two, I'd leave, say, the children's science museum exhausted, on edge and feeling like a small piece of my soul had died back at the snack bar after spending $10 on a slice of cheese pizza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nevertheless, I packed my daughter's schedule with these activities, and I told myself: \u003cem>This is what a good mother does. This is optimal. I have to sacrifice what I want to do on the weekends for her.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But what if that's all baloney? What if that thinking is needlessly making my life more stressful and hectic?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>About four years ago, I began to report on parenting around the world for \u003cem>Goats and Soda\u003c/em>. I looked into why Cameroon kids crushed the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2017/07/03/534743719/want-to-teach-your-kids-self-control-ask-a-cameroonian-farmer\">marshmallow test\u003c/a> (which tests whether or not a kid can wait to eat a marshmallow in hopes of receiving two marshmallows), why Maya children \u003cem>wanted \u003c/em>to \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/06/09/616928895/how-to-get-your-kids-to-do-chores-without-resenting-it\">help around the house\u003c/a> and why many kids up in the Arctic seem to have better control over their anger than I do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Through this research, I started to see my own culture with fresh eyes. I begin to see that Western culture has several deeply entrenched myths about parenting. Myths about what \"good\" parents do and what children need to grow up healthy, confident and — this is a big one — helpful. Myths that you don't really find in any other culture around the world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Problem is, many of the practices that stem from these myths are time-consuming, expensive and exhausting — for both kids and parents. For many kids, these practices can backfire. They can make children less well-behaved and less likely to cooperate, says anthropologist \u003ca href=\"https://anthropology.usu.edu/people/directory/lancy-david\">David Lancy\u003c/a> at Utah State University, who has studied parenting around the world for more than 40 years. And they can erode a child's sense of purpose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"We're making some really bad assumptions about what's essential and what children need to thrive,\" says Lancy. \"A lot of our cardinal principles turn out not to be nearly as critical as we believe.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As parents start to transition back to the office — and kids return to school — maybe it's time to draw inspiration from other cultures around the world, throw out a few myths and embrace a parenting style that's less exhausting and possibly more effective. Maybe it's time to take a few tips from parents around the world.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #1: Kids need toys\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>A century and half ago, all kids in the U.S. — across all races and economic levels — didn't have store-bought toys. They did what kids have done for 200,000 years: they created their own toys.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"A lack of store-bought toys was no disadvantage,\" historian Howard Chudacoff explained in his book \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Children-at-Play-American-History/dp/0814716652\">\u003cem>Children at Play: An American History\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. \"Even in wealthy families, informal playthings seemed more important than formal toys,\" he wrote.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids created toys from objects left over from adult activities or ones they found outside. They made dolls and kites from old adult clothing, boats from discarded wood or sticks, sleds from planks of wood — and invented an endless number of games with stones.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Today, in many cultures, kids still do the same. For example, up in the Arctic town of Kugaaruk, Canada, summertime is all about honing hunting skills through play. For hours at night, boys use old shipping crates and left over fishing equipment to practice \"harpooning whales\" in a stream that runs through the town.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset toys\u003c/strong>: If you're tired of picking up legos and toy cars every night, consider donating (nearly) all your toys to charity. Keep around a few tools for drawing, writing and coloring (e.g pencils, markers, and paper). Have kids pick out one or two special toys to keep in a designated spot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All kids really need are what's around the house, Lancy says, such as boxes from deliveries, equipment from the kitchen, and pillows — lots and lots of pillows. \"They're just so many things you do with pillows, including the ones that make up the couch. You can have pillow fights, build forts and tunnels. And parents don't have to buy anything extra.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With fewer toys to keep track of, your home will be less cluttered and look less juvenile, but it will also be easier for kids to manage the cleanup and organization of their toys.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #2:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Kids need their own \"special\" activities on the weekends, such as kiddie birthday parties, kiddies museums and playdates.\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Anthropological psychologist \u003ca href=\"http://orion.neiu.edu/~sgaskin1/Home.html\">Suzanne Gaskins\u003c/a> calls these activities \"child-centered\" because parents participate in these activities only because they have children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out, \"child-centered\" activities are virtually nonexistent outside Western culture. They're not only completely unnecessary for kids to grow and develop, Gaskins says, but in the long run, they do children a disservice. Why? Because they exclude kids from the adult world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"In the United States, we don't let our children into the adult world,\" says Gaskins, who has studied parenting in Maya communities for more than 30 years. That exclusion denies kids the opportunities to learn all sorts of important skills, such as how to do chores around the house, how to cooperate with your family and how to behave appropriately in the adult world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"When you give children the opportunity to assume responsibilities, they will take it,\" Gaskins says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset weekends\u003c/strong>: Do chores, errands, hobbies, and social activities, and then bring the kids along. These regular activities are more than enough \"enrichment\" for kids, says psychologist\u003ca href=\"https://iteso.academia.edu/RMej%C3%ADaArauz\"> Rebeca Mejía-Arauz\u003c/a> at ITESO University in Guadalajara. \"Parents don't need to know how to play with kids. If we get kids involved in adult activities, that's play for kids.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids, who aren't accustomed to being in the adult world, might not behave properly in these situations, at first, says \u003ca href=\"https://psychology.ucsc.edu/about/people/faculty.php?uid=brogoff\">Barbara Rogoff\u003c/a>, a psychologist at the University of California, Santa Cruz. \"They need to learn how to be a part of things.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So be a little patient. Slowly introduce a child to new experiences, such as waiting patiently at a parent's doctor's appointment, joining mom or dad at work for an afternoon or sitting quietly in a religious service. \"If they're included, they'll learn,\" Rogoff says. \"Kids are really good at distinguishing between this is the way you act in one place and this is the way you act in another place.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #3: Kids need bribes, allowances and punishments to do chores.\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>In many cultures around the world, kids help around the house and with family chores voluntarily. For example, one morning in Tanzania, I saw a 5-year-old girl run up a hill and start collecting baobab pods from underneath a tree — without anyone asking her. She collected enough pods for an entire lunch, not just for her family but for several families.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A wide-ranging evidence — from psychology, evolutionary biology and anthropology-- suggests that children have an innate desire to help others and have responsibilities. No chore chart or allowances needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a new study \u003ca href=\"https://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/518457\">published\u003c/a> in July, researchers asked Maya kids in the Yucatan why they voluntarily do chores around the house. In general, the kids said they like to help their families. \"They help at home because they're part of the family. It's a shared responsibility. You know, 'We're all in this together,' \" says \u003ca href=\"https://psychology.fullerton.edu/faculty/facultyprofiles/l_alcala.aspx\">Lucia Alcala\u003c/a>, a psychologist at the California State University, Fullerton, who led the study. Pitching in gave the kids a sense of belonging,\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset chores\u003c/strong>: To help tap into a child's innate drive to help their family (and decrease resistance to help), parents can organize chores in two key ways.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>First off, focus on doing the chores as a family instead of individual tasks. For example, if you're doing laundry, everyone folds everyone's clothes. Or if you're making beds, parents and kids help with all the beds. And everyone cleans up the dinner table.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second, be sure kids are making genuine contributions to the group task. The tasks can be super small (e.g. go grab the vacuum ) and quick (e.g., put the forks on the table), but they should be real. So, for example, don't wipe down the table and then hand the kid the cloth and tell them to wipe down the table. They'll know you're not allowing them to make real contributions.]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When children work together with the family to accomplish real tasks, Alcala says, they feel that they are real contributors to the family, that they are part of something bigger than themselves. This feeling motivates children to continue helping.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #4\u003c/strong>: \u003cstrong>Kids learn best when their schedules are packed with extracurricular activities, organized and managed by adults. \u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>In 2014, Alcala and her colleague published a study to support a growing idea in psychology: free time can increase a child's interest in school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the study, Alcala interviewed 33 mothers in and around Guadalajara, Mexico, whose kids were between ages 6 to 8. The researchers asked the moms about their kids' schedules after school, including who scheduled the activities (parent or child?) and what were the activities like (structured or free play?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids who organized their own schedules after school were not only more likely to help around the house voluntarily, the researchers reported, but they were also more likely to do something else voluntarily: their homework.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When kids have plenty of time to decide what to do and manage their own activities, they learn a lifelong skill: how to take initiative, says psychologist Barbara Rogoff, who contributed to the study. \"Trying to control children gets in the way of children developing initiative and autonomy,\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having plenty of downtime can also reduce children's stress, says psychological anthropologist Suzanne Gaskins. \"When kids decide what to learn and are doing it on the basis of their own interests, there's no source of stress other than their own frustration,\" she says. If they can't master something right away, then there's no pressure to figure it out faster.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset schedules\u003c/strong>: Instead of signing up a child for a bunch of activities, wait for them to ask to participate or to show a genuine interest in that activity. For young kids, being with you while doing chores or hobbies is more than enough entertainment — and teaches them how to be a good family member.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For older kids, teach them to manage their own activities and schedules. Show them how to sign up for classes and sports teams. And work together to find ways for them to travel to and from these activities without assistance from you. For example, teach them to walk there on their own, ride a bike, take public transit or find out about car pools.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Suzanne Gaskins points out, when kids manage and execute their own activities, parents are freed up to focus on their own hobbies. \"The whole system is notched down in stress.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boy, was \u003cem>that \u003c/em>true for my family! Once I scrapped the kiddie birthday parties on the weekends and dance classes during the week, I finally had time for my own \"extracurricular activities.\" My husband and I started hiking again on Saturdays (with Rosy in tow), and we had time to read in the evenings after dinner (while Rosy managed her own activities).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But perhaps, more surprisingly, once we gave Rosy a chance to be a part of our world — and a chance to make real contributions to the family — something almost magical happened: She started helping around the house. Just yesterday, I was in the living room working, and guess what the little 5-year-old was doing in the kitchen all by herself? Washing the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2021 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=A+Global+Guide+For+Parents%3A+How+Your+Kids+Can+Have+Fun+Without+Stressing+You+Out&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Exhausted from taking the kids to countless kiddie activities? Overwhelmed by too many toys? Here's what Western parents can learn from other cultures about how kids (and parents too) can have fun.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1629270892,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":41,"wordCount":2034},"headData":{"title":"How Your Kids Can Have Fun Without Stressing You Out - MindShift","description":"Exhausted from taking the kids to countless kiddie activities? Overwhelmed by too many toys? Here's what Western parents can learn from other cultures about how kids (and parents too) can have fun.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"58352 https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=58352","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2021/08/16/how-your-kids-can-have-fun-without-stressing-you-out/","disqusTitle":"How Your Kids Can Have Fun Without Stressing You Out","nprByline":"Michaeleen Doucleff","nprImageAgency":"Angela Hsieh for NPR","nprStoryId":"1027425635","nprApiLink":"http://api.npr.org/query?id=1027425635&apiKey=MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004","nprHtmlLink":"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/08/15/1027425635/a-global-guide-for-parents-how-your-kids-can-have-fun-without-stressing-you-out?ft=nprml&f=1027425635","nprRetrievedStory":"1","nprPubDate":"Sun, 15 Aug 2021 08:15:00 -0400","nprStoryDate":"Sun, 15 Aug 2021 08:15:08 -0400","nprLastModifiedDate":"Sun, 15 Aug 2021 08:15:08 -0400","path":"/mindshift/58352/how-your-kids-can-have-fun-without-stressing-you-out","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Admitting this makes me feel like a bad mom, but it's the truth: I don't enjoy \"kid-friendly\" places. At birthday parties, zoos and play areas, I'm either completely bored or utterly overstimulated. The noise, the lights, the chaos! After an hour or two, I'd leave, say, the children's science museum exhausted, on edge and feeling like a small piece of my soul had died back at the snack bar after spending $10 on a slice of cheese pizza.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nevertheless, I packed my daughter's schedule with these activities, and I told myself: \u003cem>This is what a good mother does. This is optimal. I have to sacrifice what I want to do on the weekends for her.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But what if that's all baloney? What if that thinking is needlessly making my life more stressful and hectic?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>About four years ago, I began to report on parenting around the world for \u003cem>Goats and Soda\u003c/em>. I looked into why Cameroon kids crushed the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2017/07/03/534743719/want-to-teach-your-kids-self-control-ask-a-cameroonian-farmer\">marshmallow test\u003c/a> (which tests whether or not a kid can wait to eat a marshmallow in hopes of receiving two marshmallows), why Maya children \u003cem>wanted \u003c/em>to \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/06/09/616928895/how-to-get-your-kids-to-do-chores-without-resenting-it\">help around the house\u003c/a> and why many kids up in the Arctic seem to have better control over their anger than I do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Through this research, I started to see my own culture with fresh eyes. I begin to see that Western culture has several deeply entrenched myths about parenting. Myths about what \"good\" parents do and what children need to grow up healthy, confident and — this is a big one — helpful. Myths that you don't really find in any other culture around the world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Problem is, many of the practices that stem from these myths are time-consuming, expensive and exhausting — for both kids and parents. For many kids, these practices can backfire. They can make children less well-behaved and less likely to cooperate, says anthropologist \u003ca href=\"https://anthropology.usu.edu/people/directory/lancy-david\">David Lancy\u003c/a> at Utah State University, who has studied parenting around the world for more than 40 years. And they can erode a child's sense of purpose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"We're making some really bad assumptions about what's essential and what children need to thrive,\" says Lancy. \"A lot of our cardinal principles turn out not to be nearly as critical as we believe.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As parents start to transition back to the office — and kids return to school — maybe it's time to draw inspiration from other cultures around the world, throw out a few myths and embrace a parenting style that's less exhausting and possibly more effective. Maybe it's time to take a few tips from parents around the world.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #1: Kids need toys\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>A century and half ago, all kids in the U.S. — across all races and economic levels — didn't have store-bought toys. They did what kids have done for 200,000 years: they created their own toys.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"A lack of store-bought toys was no disadvantage,\" historian Howard Chudacoff explained in his book \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Children-at-Play-American-History/dp/0814716652\">\u003cem>Children at Play: An American History\u003c/em>\u003c/a>. \"Even in wealthy families, informal playthings seemed more important than formal toys,\" he wrote.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids created toys from objects left over from adult activities or ones they found outside. They made dolls and kites from old adult clothing, boats from discarded wood or sticks, sleds from planks of wood — and invented an endless number of games with stones.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Today, in many cultures, kids still do the same. For example, up in the Arctic town of Kugaaruk, Canada, summertime is all about honing hunting skills through play. For hours at night, boys use old shipping crates and left over fishing equipment to practice \"harpooning whales\" in a stream that runs through the town.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset toys\u003c/strong>: If you're tired of picking up legos and toy cars every night, consider donating (nearly) all your toys to charity. Keep around a few tools for drawing, writing and coloring (e.g pencils, markers, and paper). Have kids pick out one or two special toys to keep in a designated spot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All kids really need are what's around the house, Lancy says, such as boxes from deliveries, equipment from the kitchen, and pillows — lots and lots of pillows. \"They're just so many things you do with pillows, including the ones that make up the couch. You can have pillow fights, build forts and tunnels. And parents don't have to buy anything extra.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With fewer toys to keep track of, your home will be less cluttered and look less juvenile, but it will also be easier for kids to manage the cleanup and organization of their toys.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #2:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Kids need their own \"special\" activities on the weekends, such as kiddie birthday parties, kiddies museums and playdates.\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Anthropological psychologist \u003ca href=\"http://orion.neiu.edu/~sgaskin1/Home.html\">Suzanne Gaskins\u003c/a> calls these activities \"child-centered\" because parents participate in these activities only because they have children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out, \"child-centered\" activities are virtually nonexistent outside Western culture. They're not only completely unnecessary for kids to grow and develop, Gaskins says, but in the long run, they do children a disservice. Why? Because they exclude kids from the adult world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"In the United States, we don't let our children into the adult world,\" says Gaskins, who has studied parenting in Maya communities for more than 30 years. That exclusion denies kids the opportunities to learn all sorts of important skills, such as how to do chores around the house, how to cooperate with your family and how to behave appropriately in the adult world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\"When you give children the opportunity to assume responsibilities, they will take it,\" Gaskins says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset weekends\u003c/strong>: Do chores, errands, hobbies, and social activities, and then bring the kids along. These regular activities are more than enough \"enrichment\" for kids, says psychologist\u003ca href=\"https://iteso.academia.edu/RMej%C3%ADaArauz\"> Rebeca Mejía-Arauz\u003c/a> at ITESO University in Guadalajara. \"Parents don't need to know how to play with kids. If we get kids involved in adult activities, that's play for kids.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids, who aren't accustomed to being in the adult world, might not behave properly in these situations, at first, says \u003ca href=\"https://psychology.ucsc.edu/about/people/faculty.php?uid=brogoff\">Barbara Rogoff\u003c/a>, a psychologist at the University of California, Santa Cruz. \"They need to learn how to be a part of things.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So be a little patient. Slowly introduce a child to new experiences, such as waiting patiently at a parent's doctor's appointment, joining mom or dad at work for an afternoon or sitting quietly in a religious service. \"If they're included, they'll learn,\" Rogoff says. \"Kids are really good at distinguishing between this is the way you act in one place and this is the way you act in another place.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #3: Kids need bribes, allowances and punishments to do chores.\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>In many cultures around the world, kids help around the house and with family chores voluntarily. For example, one morning in Tanzania, I saw a 5-year-old girl run up a hill and start collecting baobab pods from underneath a tree — without anyone asking her. She collected enough pods for an entire lunch, not just for her family but for several families.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A wide-ranging evidence — from psychology, evolutionary biology and anthropology-- suggests that children have an innate desire to help others and have responsibilities. No chore chart or allowances needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a new study \u003ca href=\"https://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/518457\">published\u003c/a> in July, researchers asked Maya kids in the Yucatan why they voluntarily do chores around the house. In general, the kids said they like to help their families. \"They help at home because they're part of the family. It's a shared responsibility. You know, 'We're all in this together,' \" says \u003ca href=\"https://psychology.fullerton.edu/faculty/facultyprofiles/l_alcala.aspx\">Lucia Alcala\u003c/a>, a psychologist at the California State University, Fullerton, who led the study. Pitching in gave the kids a sense of belonging,\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset chores\u003c/strong>: To help tap into a child's innate drive to help their family (and decrease resistance to help), parents can organize chores in two key ways.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>First off, focus on doing the chores as a family instead of individual tasks. For example, if you're doing laundry, everyone folds everyone's clothes. Or if you're making beds, parents and kids help with all the beds. And everyone cleans up the dinner table.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second, be sure kids are making genuine contributions to the group task. The tasks can be super small (e.g. go grab the vacuum ) and quick (e.g., put the forks on the table), but they should be real. So, for example, don't wipe down the table and then hand the kid the cloth and tell them to wipe down the table. They'll know you're not allowing them to make real contributions.]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When children work together with the family to accomplish real tasks, Alcala says, they feel that they are real contributors to the family, that they are part of something bigger than themselves. This feeling motivates children to continue helping.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Myth #4\u003c/strong>: \u003cstrong>Kids learn best when their schedules are packed with extracurricular activities, organized and managed by adults. \u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>In 2014, Alcala and her colleague published a study to support a growing idea in psychology: free time can increase a child's interest in school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the study, Alcala interviewed 33 mothers in and around Guadalajara, Mexico, whose kids were between ages 6 to 8. The researchers asked the moms about their kids' schedules after school, including who scheduled the activities (parent or child?) and what were the activities like (structured or free play?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids who organized their own schedules after school were not only more likely to help around the house voluntarily, the researchers reported, but they were also more likely to do something else voluntarily: their homework.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When kids have plenty of time to decide what to do and manage their own activities, they learn a lifelong skill: how to take initiative, says psychologist Barbara Rogoff, who contributed to the study. \"Trying to control children gets in the way of children developing initiative and autonomy,\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Having plenty of downtime can also reduce children's stress, says psychological anthropologist Suzanne Gaskins. \"When kids decide what to learn and are doing it on the basis of their own interests, there's no source of stress other than their own frustration,\" she says. If they can't master something right away, then there's no pressure to figure it out faster.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Reset schedules\u003c/strong>: Instead of signing up a child for a bunch of activities, wait for them to ask to participate or to show a genuine interest in that activity. For young kids, being with you while doing chores or hobbies is more than enough entertainment — and teaches them how to be a good family member.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For older kids, teach them to manage their own activities and schedules. Show them how to sign up for classes and sports teams. And work together to find ways for them to travel to and from these activities without assistance from you. For example, teach them to walk there on their own, ride a bike, take public transit or find out about car pools.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Suzanne Gaskins points out, when kids manage and execute their own activities, parents are freed up to focus on their own hobbies. \"The whole system is notched down in stress.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Boy, was \u003cem>that \u003c/em>true for my family! Once I scrapped the kiddie birthday parties on the weekends and dance classes during the week, I finally had time for my own \"extracurricular activities.\" My husband and I started hiking again on Saturdays (with Rosy in tow), and we had time to read in the evenings after dinner (while Rosy managed her own activities).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But perhaps, more surprisingly, once we gave Rosy a chance to be a part of our world — and a chance to make real contributions to the family — something almost magical happened: She started helping around the house. Just yesterday, I was in the living room working, and guess what the little 5-year-old was doing in the kitchen all by herself? Washing the dishes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">Copyright 2021 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.\u003cimg src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=A+Global+Guide+For+Parents%3A+How+Your+Kids+Can+Have+Fun+Without+Stressing+You+Out&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/58352/how-your-kids-can-have-fun-without-stressing-you-out","authors":["byline_mindshift_58352"],"categories":["mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_20720","mindshift_20870","mindshift_20568"],"featImg":"mindshift_58353","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_57944":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_57944","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"57944","score":null,"sort":[1627543180000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"four-steps-to-coax-young-adults-and-their-parents-to-greater-independence","title":"Four Steps to Coax Young Adults (and Their Parents) to Greater Independence","publishDate":1627543180,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>Julie Lythcott-Haims stumbled on something troubling and surprising about the young adults in her midst. It started about twenty years ago, when she served as a dean at Stanford. There, in the company of some of the best and brightest strivers in the world, she found that many students relied upon parents to handle the run-of-the-mill stuff of life for them. Meanwhile, members of the Millennial generation more broadly were going on record as not knowing how to be adults, not wanting to be adults and finding adulthood scary. “Millennials self-identified as struggling,” Lythcott-Haims told me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The malaise prompted her to write \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn\">Y\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn\">our Turn: How to be an Adult\u003c/a>\u003cem>,\" \u003c/em>a guide for burgeoning grown-ups. The book explores how and why contemporary young people are so jittery and, most important, what they (and the rest of us) can do to make adulthood attractive rather than an inevitable bummer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I don’t judge them,” Lythcott-Haims said quickly. If anyone’s to blame, it’s parents and other adults who have reared them with the message that danger lurks behind every corner and that Mom and Dad will do anything to rescue them from failure. Grown-ups have been so quick to scurry around and clear obstacles from their children’s path that many young adults, especially those from middle-class families and above, feel ill-equipped to manage on their own. Children from less privileged homes, it turns out, often grow up better prepared to enter adulthood because they’ve been less cossetted in childhood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In \"Your Turn,\" Lythcott-Haims—herself a recovering \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/40768/what-overparenting-looks-like-from-a-stanford-deans-perspective\">helicopter parent\u003c/a>—speaks directly to young people who may be struggling. But implicit in her guidance for young adults is advice for their parents, teachers and coaches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-58003\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2021/06/Your-Turn-Julie-Lythcott-Haims-160x244.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"244\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2021/06/Your-Turn-Julie-Lythcott-Haims-160x244.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2021/06/Your-Turn-Julie-Lythcott-Haims.jpeg 182w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">\u003c/a>Her advice to parents comes in many forms. First, she advises them to resist reproaching their offspring for being fearful or hesitant about entering adulthood. “You can’t blame them for the childhood they had,” she said. Young people need to hear that their parents believe in them. She also encourages parents to look inward, with the help of a therapist, if necessary, to investigate why they’d rather take heroic measures to help their children achieve than allow their kids to figure it out for themselves. “We have decided that our child’s outputs are a reflection of our own worth,” she said; mothers and fathers can’t help but hover and intervene when their kids’ accomplishments feel like a referendum on their standing as parents. Some blunt self-examination might help parents understand not only \u003cem>why\u003c/em> they use the royal “we” when discussing their kids’ upcoming tests—“we have a mid-term next week”—but also \u003cem>how\u003c/em> this mindset hurts kids. “We mustn’t let our worries, fears and egos impede our children’s progress,” Lythcott-Haims added. There’s a correlation between over-parenting on the one hand, and the collapse of executive function skills, and increase in depression and anxiety among young people, on the other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents also should do all they can to encourage self-reliance. This comes naturally at first: when a toddler begins to walk, most parents stand back and clap, applauding those early independent steps. The trick is to maintain that attitude as children age. Lythcott-Haims identifies three natural domains in which parents can press for greater independence: At home, children and teenagers should be expected to contribute to regular chores; at school, kids must do their own work; and in outside activities, children and teenagers should be learning how to advocate respectfully for themselves with authority figures.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What can parents do who’ve been too enmeshed so far, but who now want to claw back their own lives and spur some independence in their teenagers? Talk to them about the coming change, Lythcott-Haims said. Acknowledge you’ve done too much, and that you recognize it’s time to get out of the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Say it with enthusiasm, not anger,” she added. “It’s a natural part of life.” Then coax them to greater independence by teaching them through these four steps:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>Step one: do it for them.\u003cbr>\nStep two: do it with them.\u003cbr>\nStep three: watch them do it.\u003cbr>\nStep four: they can do it alone.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Another tip for parents: “Get a hobby, a friend, a book club,” she said. “Spend some hours every day not focused on your child,” she advised. It will be better for the child and the parent in the long run.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Teachers and coaches have similar roles. Like parents, these adults should help kids become the best versions of themselves. And the way to do that is to focus on building kids’ \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56946/how-can-teachers-nurture-meaningful-student-agency\">agency\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52994/how-to-help-teenage-girls-reframe-anxiety-and-strengthen-resilience\">resilience\u003c/a> and accountability.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s not about getting A’s,” Lythcott-Haims said, while lamenting the absence of these developmental ends from report cards. Learning how to read, write and compute is important, but as vital is figuring out how to function independently and to carry on when adversity hits. Schools can help teachers and coaches work toward these larger goals by putting a hard stop on parental overinvolvement—like delivering forgotten items during the day and “helping” with homework. Lythcott-Haims suggests that teachers share “do’s and don’ts” slides at back-to-school night, delineating what kinds of participation by parents is acceptable and what’s out of bounds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lythcott-Haims reflected on the strange, unintended shift in perspectives on adulthood between her generation and the current one. “We looked at adults and thought they had freedom and fun,” she said. She longed to grow up, to be free from the restrictions of childhood and the master of her own destiny. “That phase of life between childhood and death used to be called ‘living,’” she added. Getting back to such an outlook won’t be quick. Said Lythcott-Haims, “a major mind shift is required.”\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Former Stanford dean Julie Lythcott-Haims has a guide for young people who have been overparented and are seeking pathways to greater independence and resilience. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1627543180,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":15,"wordCount":1052},"headData":{"title":"Four Steps to Coax Young Adults (and Their Parents) to Greater Independence - MindShift","description":"Former Stanford dean Julie Lythcott-Haims has a guide for young people who have been overparented and are seeking pathways to greater independence and resilience. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"57944 https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=57944","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2021/07/29/four-steps-to-coax-young-adults-and-their-parents-to-greater-independence/","disqusTitle":"Four Steps to Coax Young Adults (and Their Parents) to Greater Independence","path":"/mindshift/57944/four-steps-to-coax-young-adults-and-their-parents-to-greater-independence","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Julie Lythcott-Haims stumbled on something troubling and surprising about the young adults in her midst. It started about twenty years ago, when she served as a dean at Stanford. There, in the company of some of the best and brightest strivers in the world, she found that many students relied upon parents to handle the run-of-the-mill stuff of life for them. Meanwhile, members of the Millennial generation more broadly were going on record as not knowing how to be adults, not wanting to be adults and finding adulthood scary. “Millennials self-identified as struggling,” Lythcott-Haims told me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The malaise prompted her to write \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn\">Y\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn\">our Turn: How to be an Adult\u003c/a>\u003cem>,\" \u003c/em>a guide for burgeoning grown-ups. The book explores how and why contemporary young people are so jittery and, most important, what they (and the rest of us) can do to make adulthood attractive rather than an inevitable bummer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I don’t judge them,” Lythcott-Haims said quickly. If anyone’s to blame, it’s parents and other adults who have reared them with the message that danger lurks behind every corner and that Mom and Dad will do anything to rescue them from failure. Grown-ups have been so quick to scurry around and clear obstacles from their children’s path that many young adults, especially those from middle-class families and above, feel ill-equipped to manage on their own. Children from less privileged homes, it turns out, often grow up better prepared to enter adulthood because they’ve been less cossetted in childhood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In \"Your Turn,\" Lythcott-Haims—herself a recovering \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/40768/what-overparenting-looks-like-from-a-stanford-deans-perspective\">helicopter parent\u003c/a>—speaks directly to young people who may be struggling. But implicit in her guidance for young adults is advice for their parents, teachers and coaches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn\">\u003cimg class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-58003\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2021/06/Your-Turn-Julie-Lythcott-Haims-160x244.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"160\" height=\"244\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2021/06/Your-Turn-Julie-Lythcott-Haims-160x244.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/23/2021/06/Your-Turn-Julie-Lythcott-Haims.jpeg 182w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 160px) 100vw, 160px\">\u003c/a>Her advice to parents comes in many forms. First, she advises them to resist reproaching their offspring for being fearful or hesitant about entering adulthood. “You can’t blame them for the childhood they had,” she said. Young people need to hear that their parents believe in them. She also encourages parents to look inward, with the help of a therapist, if necessary, to investigate why they’d rather take heroic measures to help their children achieve than allow their kids to figure it out for themselves. “We have decided that our child’s outputs are a reflection of our own worth,” she said; mothers and fathers can’t help but hover and intervene when their kids’ accomplishments feel like a referendum on their standing as parents. Some blunt self-examination might help parents understand not only \u003cem>why\u003c/em> they use the royal “we” when discussing their kids’ upcoming tests—“we have a mid-term next week”—but also \u003cem>how\u003c/em> this mindset hurts kids. “We mustn’t let our worries, fears and egos impede our children’s progress,” Lythcott-Haims added. There’s a correlation between over-parenting on the one hand, and the collapse of executive function skills, and increase in depression and anxiety among young people, on the other.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents also should do all they can to encourage self-reliance. This comes naturally at first: when a toddler begins to walk, most parents stand back and clap, applauding those early independent steps. The trick is to maintain that attitude as children age. Lythcott-Haims identifies three natural domains in which parents can press for greater independence: At home, children and teenagers should be expected to contribute to regular chores; at school, kids must do their own work; and in outside activities, children and teenagers should be learning how to advocate respectfully for themselves with authority figures.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What can parents do who’ve been too enmeshed so far, but who now want to claw back their own lives and spur some independence in their teenagers? Talk to them about the coming change, Lythcott-Haims said. Acknowledge you’ve done too much, and that you recognize it’s time to get out of the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Say it with enthusiasm, not anger,” she added. “It’s a natural part of life.” Then coax them to greater independence by teaching them through these four steps:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>Step one: do it for them.\u003cbr>\nStep two: do it with them.\u003cbr>\nStep three: watch them do it.\u003cbr>\nStep four: they can do it alone.\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Another tip for parents: “Get a hobby, a friend, a book club,” she said. “Spend some hours every day not focused on your child,” she advised. It will be better for the child and the parent in the long run.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Teachers and coaches have similar roles. Like parents, these adults should help kids become the best versions of themselves. And the way to do that is to focus on building kids’ \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56946/how-can-teachers-nurture-meaningful-student-agency\">agency\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52994/how-to-help-teenage-girls-reframe-anxiety-and-strengthen-resilience\">resilience\u003c/a> and accountability.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s not about getting A’s,” Lythcott-Haims said, while lamenting the absence of these developmental ends from report cards. Learning how to read, write and compute is important, but as vital is figuring out how to function independently and to carry on when adversity hits. Schools can help teachers and coaches work toward these larger goals by putting a hard stop on parental overinvolvement—like delivering forgotten items during the day and “helping” with homework. Lythcott-Haims suggests that teachers share “do’s and don’ts” slides at back-to-school night, delineating what kinds of participation by parents is acceptable and what’s out of bounds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lythcott-Haims reflected on the strange, unintended shift in perspectives on adulthood between her generation and the current one. “We looked at adults and thought they had freedom and fun,” she said. She longed to grow up, to be free from the restrictions of childhood and the master of her own destiny. “That phase of life between childhood and death used to be called ‘living,’” she added. Getting back to such an outlook won’t be quick. Said Lythcott-Haims, “a major mind shift is required.”\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/57944/four-steps-to-coax-young-adults-and-their-parents-to-greater-independence","authors":["4613"],"categories":["mindshift_20874"],"tags":["mindshift_20870","mindshift_21092","mindshift_21038"],"featImg":"mindshift_58218","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_57660":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_57660","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"57660","score":null,"sort":[1618386569000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"what-todays-classrooms-can-learn-from-ancient-cultures","title":"What Today's Classrooms Can Learn From Ancient Cultures","publishDate":1618386569,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>When Michaeleen Doucleff, an American science reporter, visited a preschool in an Arctic town, she was surprised by one of the regularly-scheduled activities. . “Some days, a parent will bring a seal to butcher inside the classroom,” the teacher told her. “Then the kids can run over and watch if they want.” At the end, he offered all the children a piece of seal meat. It was a real task that all the children might execute when they were old enough, reinforced here in school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff’s presence there was no accident. She was on a three-legged journey to ancient cultures around the globe as a way to learn more about how non-Western peoples rear and teach children. Along with her young daughter, she spent time with Maya families in the Yucatan Peninsula, Hadzabe families in Tanzania, as well as Inuit families in the Arctic. Her new book, \u003ca href=\"https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/54304028-hunt-gather-parent\">\u003cem>Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, captures the essence of that experience.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What can American teachers, some of them instructing via Zoom to students who exist only on screens, learn from these traditions? “For the vast majority of time, human children were raised by hunter-gatherers,” Doucleff told me. The instincts cultivated during those thousands of years may be illuminating for schools, and teachers here could learn from the tried-and-true methods that have worked in many cultures around the globe throughout human history — with necessitating a lesson in butchery. Worn out educators and frustrated students trapped on Zoom might be served by a new perspective that’s grounded in tradition.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff observed several distinctive principles among the groups that children responded to in the classroom. Among the Maya, adult interference is minimal. During a class with 8-year-olds on hieroglyphs, for example, the teacher simply said, “we’re going to write our names.” He handed out paper and a chart showing the Maya hieroglyphs. Then he watched the children as they struggled with the task. He responded to their questions and guided them from time to time on their work. But he didn’t lecture or present himself as the authority on handwriting or give regular updates on the day’s schedule. It was the students’ responsibility to grapple with the assignment [and choose their own way of tackling the problem], which they seemed to understand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Teachers want children to be internally driven to work,” Doucleff said. “They’re teaching initiative.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Connectedness is another core value among Maya families, and teachers seek to cultivate it. The bond between a teacher and student, and among the students themselves, fuels \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53337/intrinsic-motivation-is-key-to-student-achievement-but-schools-can-crush-it\">intrinsic motivation\u003c/a>. While many American teachers also value relationships with their students, that effort is undermined by the competitive environment seen in many Western classrooms. Vying over grades or class standing \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/48578/how-ending-behavior-rewards-helped-one-school-focus-on-student-motivation-and-character\">erodes connection\u003c/a> and cooperation among students.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maya teachers also reject the top-down style that’s common in modern schools, preferring a “side-by-side” approach to their work. Rather than present themselves as authorities, adults believe children have something to teach adults. Adults aren’t omniscient, but rather partners in learning. And learning goes both ways.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Among Inuit, the very definition of learning differs from the Western understanding of it. There, “learning” often involves “watching”—and schools emphasize observation as the path to understanding. The Inuit also value calm and quiet, and rear their children in hushed tones. Doucleff learned that parents there won’t raise their voices at their children, believing that yelling at kids encourages them to tune out or respond with anger of their own. This emphasis on peacefulness and quiet extends to the classroom, where the emotional control and patience they’ve learned at home carries over. The last thing a parent or any adult will do with a bossy or disrespectful child is get angry or argue back. They view infractions as inevitable and signs of immaturity; the child simply has to learn the proper way to behave. When children act out or disobey, adults ignore the behavior, say nothing, and walk away if necessary.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Adults in many hunter-gatherer cultures, Doucleff learned, rely on encouragement to prompt children’s cooperation. Forcing, scolding, and punishing are rejected as ineffective ways to teach and corrosive to intrinsic motivation. Instead, when children \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/51329/why-children-arent-behaving-and-what-you-can-do-about-it\">misbehave\u003c/a>—as all children will—the adult speaks to them calmly and gently, letting the child know in simple terms and few words what the natural consequence will be: if you fall off the ledge, you will get hurt. Adults don’t over-explain, or ask thousands of questions, or narrate kids’ activities to stimulate their brains. The emphasis is on learning through observation versus instruction, and children absorb that mentality.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like in many hunter-gatherer cultures, families in Hadzabe communities encourage self-governance. Children occupy their own time, and adults generally don’t intrude (except to ask for help every now and then). The thinking is that children learn best when they \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52070/to-raise-confident-independent-kids-some-parents-are-trying-to-let-grow\">direct themselves\u003c/a>. It’s not that the young are left alone without an adult present; rather, children are permitted to follow their natural instincts, without adult’s \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/40768/what-overparenting-looks-like-from-a-stanford-deans-perspective\">swooping in\u003c/a> to offer a different way or ask questions or impose punishment. And rather than foster selfishness among the children, Doucleff learned, this hands-off approach seemed to generate consideration and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57152/every-kid-is-motivated-action-oriented-ideas-to-revive-students-curiosity\">curiosity\u003c/a>. It also minimizes conflict and bolsters kids’ self-control.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Maya, Inuit, and Hadzabe communities that Doucleff visited are as “contemporary” as communities in the U.S., with smart phones and too much time on social media. Indeed, Doucleff found that schools in these communities often adopt a hybrid approach to education—part traditional, part Western. Anthropologists estimate that about 5 million hunter-gatherers span the globe in diverse cultures. In many cases, the communities carry on traditions out of choice, not because they lack exposure to other ways, but because they believe these approaches work and work well.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Self-directed learning, real-life tasks, and giving kids space to observe and learn have helped kids in ancient cultures cultivate their intrinsic motivation in ways that are lagging in some Western cultures. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1618386569,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":13,"wordCount":1037},"headData":{"title":"What Today's Classrooms Can Learn From Ancient Cultures - MindShift","description":"Self-directed learning, real-life tasks, and giving kids space to observe and learn have helped kids in ancient cultures cultivate their intrinsic motivation in ways that are lagging in some Western cultures.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"57660 https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=57660","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2021/04/14/what-todays-classrooms-can-learn-from-ancient-cultures/","disqusTitle":"What Today's Classrooms Can Learn From Ancient Cultures","path":"/mindshift/57660/what-todays-classrooms-can-learn-from-ancient-cultures","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>When Michaeleen Doucleff, an American science reporter, visited a preschool in an Arctic town, she was surprised by one of the regularly-scheduled activities. . “Some days, a parent will bring a seal to butcher inside the classroom,” the teacher told her. “Then the kids can run over and watch if they want.” At the end, he offered all the children a piece of seal meat. It was a real task that all the children might execute when they were old enough, reinforced here in school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff’s presence there was no accident. She was on a three-legged journey to ancient cultures around the globe as a way to learn more about how non-Western peoples rear and teach children. Along with her young daughter, she spent time with Maya families in the Yucatan Peninsula, Hadzabe families in Tanzania, as well as Inuit families in the Arctic. Her new book, \u003ca href=\"https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/54304028-hunt-gather-parent\">\u003cem>Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, captures the essence of that experience.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What can American teachers, some of them instructing via Zoom to students who exist only on screens, learn from these traditions? “For the vast majority of time, human children were raised by hunter-gatherers,” Doucleff told me. The instincts cultivated during those thousands of years may be illuminating for schools, and teachers here could learn from the tried-and-true methods that have worked in many cultures around the globe throughout human history — with necessitating a lesson in butchery. Worn out educators and frustrated students trapped on Zoom might be served by a new perspective that’s grounded in tradition.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff observed several distinctive principles among the groups that children responded to in the classroom. Among the Maya, adult interference is minimal. During a class with 8-year-olds on hieroglyphs, for example, the teacher simply said, “we’re going to write our names.” He handed out paper and a chart showing the Maya hieroglyphs. Then he watched the children as they struggled with the task. He responded to their questions and guided them from time to time on their work. But he didn’t lecture or present himself as the authority on handwriting or give regular updates on the day’s schedule. It was the students’ responsibility to grapple with the assignment [and choose their own way of tackling the problem], which they seemed to understand.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Teachers want children to be internally driven to work,” Doucleff said. “They’re teaching initiative.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Connectedness is another core value among Maya families, and teachers seek to cultivate it. The bond between a teacher and student, and among the students themselves, fuels \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53337/intrinsic-motivation-is-key-to-student-achievement-but-schools-can-crush-it\">intrinsic motivation\u003c/a>. While many American teachers also value relationships with their students, that effort is undermined by the competitive environment seen in many Western classrooms. Vying over grades or class standing \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/48578/how-ending-behavior-rewards-helped-one-school-focus-on-student-motivation-and-character\">erodes connection\u003c/a> and cooperation among students.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maya teachers also reject the top-down style that’s common in modern schools, preferring a “side-by-side” approach to their work. Rather than present themselves as authorities, adults believe children have something to teach adults. Adults aren’t omniscient, but rather partners in learning. And learning goes both ways.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Among Inuit, the very definition of learning differs from the Western understanding of it. There, “learning” often involves “watching”—and schools emphasize observation as the path to understanding. The Inuit also value calm and quiet, and rear their children in hushed tones. Doucleff learned that parents there won’t raise their voices at their children, believing that yelling at kids encourages them to tune out or respond with anger of their own. This emphasis on peacefulness and quiet extends to the classroom, where the emotional control and patience they’ve learned at home carries over. The last thing a parent or any adult will do with a bossy or disrespectful child is get angry or argue back. They view infractions as inevitable and signs of immaturity; the child simply has to learn the proper way to behave. When children act out or disobey, adults ignore the behavior, say nothing, and walk away if necessary.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Adults in many hunter-gatherer cultures, Doucleff learned, rely on encouragement to prompt children’s cooperation. Forcing, scolding, and punishing are rejected as ineffective ways to teach and corrosive to intrinsic motivation. Instead, when children \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/51329/why-children-arent-behaving-and-what-you-can-do-about-it\">misbehave\u003c/a>—as all children will—the adult speaks to them calmly and gently, letting the child know in simple terms and few words what the natural consequence will be: if you fall off the ledge, you will get hurt. Adults don’t over-explain, or ask thousands of questions, or narrate kids’ activities to stimulate their brains. The emphasis is on learning through observation versus instruction, and children absorb that mentality.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like in many hunter-gatherer cultures, families in Hadzabe communities encourage self-governance. Children occupy their own time, and adults generally don’t intrude (except to ask for help every now and then). The thinking is that children learn best when they \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52070/to-raise-confident-independent-kids-some-parents-are-trying-to-let-grow\">direct themselves\u003c/a>. It’s not that the young are left alone without an adult present; rather, children are permitted to follow their natural instincts, without adult’s \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/40768/what-overparenting-looks-like-from-a-stanford-deans-perspective\">swooping in\u003c/a> to offer a different way or ask questions or impose punishment. And rather than foster selfishness among the children, Doucleff learned, this hands-off approach seemed to generate consideration and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57152/every-kid-is-motivated-action-oriented-ideas-to-revive-students-curiosity\">curiosity\u003c/a>. It also minimizes conflict and bolsters kids’ self-control.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Maya, Inuit, and Hadzabe communities that Doucleff visited are as “contemporary” as communities in the U.S., with smart phones and too much time on social media. Indeed, Doucleff found that schools in these communities often adopt a hybrid approach to education—part traditional, part Western. Anthropologists estimate that about 5 million hunter-gatherers span the globe in diverse cultures. In many cases, the communities carry on traditions out of choice, not because they lack exposure to other ways, but because they believe these approaches work and work well.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/57660/what-todays-classrooms-can-learn-from-ancient-cultures","authors":["4613"],"categories":["mindshift_194"],"tags":["mindshift_20865","mindshift_20870","mindshift_20764","mindshift_21417"],"featImg":"mindshift_57692","label":"mindshift"},"mindshift_57647":{"type":"posts","id":"mindshift_57647","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"mindshift","id":"57647","score":null,"sort":[1617780984000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"what-parents-in-ancient-cultures-can-teach-their-western-equivalents","title":"What Parents in Ancient Cultures Can Teach Their Western Equivalents","publishDate":1617780984,"format":"standard","headTitle":"MindShift | KQED News","labelTerm":{"site":"mindshift"},"content":"\u003cp>Michaeleen Doucleff, a science reporter who lives in California, was at her wit’s end. Despite her best efforts to employ all the proper parenting tools she’d learned from “Dr. Google,” as she puts it in her new book \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/54304028-hunt-gather-parent\">Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful, Little Humans\u003c/a>,\" she and her three-year-old daughter continued to butt heads. The tantrums and persistent resistance made motherhood “like a white-knuckled ride on Class 5 rapids”—tumultuous, stressful, and loud, what with all the screaming. She wondered if Western parents had been misinformed about how to do their jobs. And so, along with her young child, she traveled to three indigenous communities around the globe to learn how families in these cultures rear their children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But why look for guidance among these communities? The cultures she visited—Maya, Inuit and the Hadzabe in Tanzania—have long-established methods for rearing their kids that have likely endured for thousands of years; some approaches grounded in children’s innate biology. “A lot of what we’re doing goes against their instincts,” Doucleff told me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The contrasting styles between the Doucleff family and those in hunter-gatherer communities was immediately apparent. In these cultures, she found peacefulness within families—no protracted negotiations over screen time, no Q & As about preferred meals, no nagging or yelling of any kind. Without prodding, the young stepped up to help. And nowhere did children’s wants dictate the terms of the family agenda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff saw right away what the cultures value: In all three cultures, parents emphasize connection, encouraging their children to think about the collective duty owed to their loved ones; they respect children’s autonomy and oppose coercion or force; and they look to instill a sense of competency in the young. “Kids are taught to help family and friends,” Doucleff said, “it’s not just what the kids want.” For their part, the Inuit in the Arctic are skilled at developing their kids’ emotional intelligence, especially in defusing anger. And the Hadzabe parents carry out traditions that fortify kids’ confidence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The staggering rates of mental health troubles among American youth suggests other cultures have much to teach us. “Kids here feel they’re not in control of their lives,” Doucleff said, noting that her own childhood centered on grades and competition. For despite American parents’ extravagant efforts to help their children succeed—with educational toys, enrichment activities, iPads and tutors and T-ball—kids aren’t thriving. And exasperated parents, especially those trying to hold down jobs and manage their children’s through “distance learning,” are exhausted from the incessant power struggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff is a veteran of those battles. Here’s a glimpse of what she recommends to mothers and fathers, gleaned from her research.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Shrink child-centered activities\u003c/strong>. Kiddie birthday parties, special play dates, “Mommy and Me” events and their ilk erode a child’s place in the family. “In human history, parents have never created these activities designed specifically for children,” Doucleff said. These undertakings are a “huge disservice” to kids, she added, because they define the child as special and exempt him family duties. What normal six-year-old will be eager to take out the trash or help with laundry if she’s spent half her day in a “magical kiddie world”? “They’re not learning about life,” Doucleff said, and kids don’t need them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Set your own agenda. \u003c/strong>Parent’s lives shouldn’t revolve around kids’ activities. Instead, mothers and fathers should carry on with their own business and invite their kids to follow along if they please. Engage in the whole-family activities—hikes, yardwork, chores—and encourage children’s participation, but don’t force them if they resist.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Try not to intervene. \u003c/strong>It’s healthier for kids if they are allowed to do their own work, play their own games, and do their part at home—however sloppy or imperfect—without Mom or Dad stepping in to offer suggestions or fix things. “They are more adept at figuring out what to do than we give them credit for,” Doucleff said. Giving children the freedom to plot their own course will give them a sense of competency and autonomy. And when parents manage to hold back on the instructing and correcting, friction at home will shrivel.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Encourage, don’t force. \u003c/strong>Compelling children to do what they’re dead set against may damage parent/child relationship and thwart intrinsic motivation. Instead, speak calmly and treat children like responsible little people whose contributions are needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>But ease up on the praise\u003c/strong>. Frequently celebrating a child’s routine activities does not help them develop a sense of competence. And often, praise inflation has the effect of spurring conflicts among siblings who feel wounded by their relative deprivation. Instead of praising them, acknowledge the child’s effort with few words, such as “that’s helpful.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Practice being quiet\u003c/strong>. It’s not uncommon, when wandering into coffee shops or grocery stores, to spot parents engaging in nonstop patter with their children. It’s OK to be quiet with them, and to take time out during the day to practice being silent. Quiet calms everyone down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Doucleff returned from her journey, she found an ideal opportunity to compare the Western approach to child-rearing with those she had just seen. She went with her family to a sprawling agricultural fair and came upon a kids’ table festooned with flowers and cardboard, where children were invited to make their own crowns. Doucleff watched while mothers and daughters tackled the exercise. One mother said hold on, let’s wait for the instructor—we mustn’t start until the teacher arrives. Another stood over her child’s shoulder and instructed the girl in how to build a proper crown—put the red petal on this side, white on the other. And a third bypassed the child entirely and built the crown herself: perfect! Doucleff imagined how a Maya mother might approach this craft and tried to do the same: she stood back, helped locate the tape when her daughter asked for it, and kept quiet. “I was her sous chef,” Doucleff told me—and at the end of it, her daughter showed off her handiwork, created without conflict and wholly her own.\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"The best guide in dealing with the epic fights and power struggles Michaeleen Doucleff had with her young daughter came from older cultures that were less grounded in American ways. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1617431802,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":15,"wordCount":1140},"headData":{"title":"What Parents in Ancient Cultures Can Teach Their Western Equivalents - MindShift","description":"The best guide in dealing with the epic fights and power struggles Michaeleen Doucleff had with her young daughter came from the parenting practices of older cultures that were less grounded in American ways.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":""},"disqusIdentifier":"57647 https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/?p=57647","disqusUrl":"https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2021/04/07/what-parents-in-ancient-cultures-can-teach-their-western-equivalents/","disqusTitle":"What Parents in Ancient Cultures Can Teach Their Western Equivalents","path":"/mindshift/57647/what-parents-in-ancient-cultures-can-teach-their-western-equivalents","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Michaeleen Doucleff, a science reporter who lives in California, was at her wit’s end. Despite her best efforts to employ all the proper parenting tools she’d learned from “Dr. Google,” as she puts it in her new book \"\u003ca href=\"https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/54304028-hunt-gather-parent\">Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful, Little Humans\u003c/a>,\" she and her three-year-old daughter continued to butt heads. The tantrums and persistent resistance made motherhood “like a white-knuckled ride on Class 5 rapids”—tumultuous, stressful, and loud, what with all the screaming. She wondered if Western parents had been misinformed about how to do their jobs. And so, along with her young child, she traveled to three indigenous communities around the globe to learn how families in these cultures rear their children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But why look for guidance among these communities? The cultures she visited—Maya, Inuit and the Hadzabe in Tanzania—have long-established methods for rearing their kids that have likely endured for thousands of years; some approaches grounded in children’s innate biology. “A lot of what we’re doing goes against their instincts,” Doucleff told me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The contrasting styles between the Doucleff family and those in hunter-gatherer communities was immediately apparent. In these cultures, she found peacefulness within families—no protracted negotiations over screen time, no Q & As about preferred meals, no nagging or yelling of any kind. Without prodding, the young stepped up to help. And nowhere did children’s wants dictate the terms of the family agenda.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff saw right away what the cultures value: In all three cultures, parents emphasize connection, encouraging their children to think about the collective duty owed to their loved ones; they respect children’s autonomy and oppose coercion or force; and they look to instill a sense of competency in the young. “Kids are taught to help family and friends,” Doucleff said, “it’s not just what the kids want.” For their part, the Inuit in the Arctic are skilled at developing their kids’ emotional intelligence, especially in defusing anger. And the Hadzabe parents carry out traditions that fortify kids’ confidence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The staggering rates of mental health troubles among American youth suggests other cultures have much to teach us. “Kids here feel they’re not in control of their lives,” Doucleff said, noting that her own childhood centered on grades and competition. For despite American parents’ extravagant efforts to help their children succeed—with educational toys, enrichment activities, iPads and tutors and T-ball—kids aren’t thriving. And exasperated parents, especially those trying to hold down jobs and manage their children’s through “distance learning,” are exhausted from the incessant power struggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Doucleff is a veteran of those battles. Here’s a glimpse of what she recommends to mothers and fathers, gleaned from her research.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Shrink child-centered activities\u003c/strong>. Kiddie birthday parties, special play dates, “Mommy and Me” events and their ilk erode a child’s place in the family. “In human history, parents have never created these activities designed specifically for children,” Doucleff said. These undertakings are a “huge disservice” to kids, she added, because they define the child as special and exempt him family duties. What normal six-year-old will be eager to take out the trash or help with laundry if she’s spent half her day in a “magical kiddie world”? “They’re not learning about life,” Doucleff said, and kids don’t need them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Set your own agenda. \u003c/strong>Parent’s lives shouldn’t revolve around kids’ activities. Instead, mothers and fathers should carry on with their own business and invite their kids to follow along if they please. Engage in the whole-family activities—hikes, yardwork, chores—and encourage children’s participation, but don’t force them if they resist.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Try not to intervene. \u003c/strong>It’s healthier for kids if they are allowed to do their own work, play their own games, and do their part at home—however sloppy or imperfect—without Mom or Dad stepping in to offer suggestions or fix things. “They are more adept at figuring out what to do than we give them credit for,” Doucleff said. Giving children the freedom to plot their own course will give them a sense of competency and autonomy. And when parents manage to hold back on the instructing and correcting, friction at home will shrivel.\u003cstrong> \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Encourage, don’t force. \u003c/strong>Compelling children to do what they’re dead set against may damage parent/child relationship and thwart intrinsic motivation. Instead, speak calmly and treat children like responsible little people whose contributions are needed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>But ease up on the praise\u003c/strong>. Frequently celebrating a child’s routine activities does not help them develop a sense of competence. And often, praise inflation has the effect of spurring conflicts among siblings who feel wounded by their relative deprivation. Instead of praising them, acknowledge the child’s effort with few words, such as “that’s helpful.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Practice being quiet\u003c/strong>. It’s not uncommon, when wandering into coffee shops or grocery stores, to spot parents engaging in nonstop patter with their children. It’s OK to be quiet with them, and to take time out during the day to practice being silent. Quiet calms everyone down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Doucleff returned from her journey, she found an ideal opportunity to compare the Western approach to child-rearing with those she had just seen. She went with her family to a sprawling agricultural fair and came upon a kids’ table festooned with flowers and cardboard, where children were invited to make their own crowns. Doucleff watched while mothers and daughters tackled the exercise. One mother said hold on, let’s wait for the instructor—we mustn’t start until the teacher arrives. Another stood over her child’s shoulder and instructed the girl in how to build a proper crown—put the red petal on this side, white on the other. And a third bypassed the child entirely and built the crown herself: perfect! Doucleff imagined how a Maya mother might approach this craft and tried to do the same: she stood back, helped locate the tape when her daughter asked for it, and kept quiet. “I was her sous chef,” Doucleff told me—and at the end of it, her daughter showed off her handiwork, created without conflict and wholly her own.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/mindshift/57647/what-parents-in-ancient-cultures-can-teach-their-western-equivalents","authors":["4613"],"categories":["mindshift_21385"],"tags":["mindshift_20870","mindshift_20568","mindshift_21417"],"featImg":"mindshift_57679","label":"mindshift"}},"programsReducer":{"possible":{"id":"possible","title":"Possible","info":"Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.","airtime":"SUN 2pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/possible-5gxfizEbKOJ-pbF5ASgxrs_.1400x1400.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.possible.fm/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"Possible"},"link":"/radio/program/possible","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/possible/id1677184070","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/730YpdUSNlMyPQwNnyjp4k"}},"1a":{"id":"1a","title":"1A","info":"1A is home to the national conversation. 1A brings on great guests and frames the best debate in ways that make you think, share and engage.","airtime":"MON-THU 11pm-12am","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/1a.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://the1a.org/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/1a","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?s=143441&mt=2&id=1188724250&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/1A-p947376/","rss":"https://feeds.npr.org/510316/podcast.xml"}},"all-things-considered":{"id":"all-things-considered","title":"All Things Considered","info":"Every weekday, \u003cem>All Things Considered\u003c/em> hosts Robert Siegel, Audie Cornish, Ari Shapiro, and Kelly McEvers present the program's trademark mix of news, interviews, commentaries, reviews, and offbeat features. Michel Martin hosts on the weekends.","airtime":"MON-FRI 1pm-2pm, 4:30pm-6:30pm\u003cbr />SAT-SUN 5pm-6pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/ATC_1400.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.npr.org/programs/all-things-considered/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/all-things-considered"},"american-suburb-podcast":{"id":"american-suburb-podcast","title":"American Suburb: The Podcast","tagline":"The flip side of gentrification, told through one town","info":"Gentrification is changing cities across America, forcing people from neighborhoods they have long called home. Call them the displaced. Now those priced out of the Bay Area are looking for a better life in an unlikely place. American Suburb follows this migration to one California town along the Delta, 45 miles from San Francisco. But is this once sleepy suburb ready for them?","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/powerpress/1440_0018_AmericanSuburb_iTunesTile_01.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"/news/series/american-suburb-podcast","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"13"},"link":"/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/","subscribe":{"npr":"https://rpb3r.app.goo.gl/RBrW","apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?mt=2&id=1287748328","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/American-Suburb-p1086805/","rss":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/series/american-suburb-podcast/feed/podcast","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkMzMDExODgxNjA5"}},"baycurious":{"id":"baycurious","title":"Bay Curious","tagline":"Exploring the Bay Area, one question at a time","info":"KQED’s new podcast, Bay Curious, gets to the bottom of the mysteries — both profound and peculiar — that give the Bay Area its unique identity. And we’ll do it with your help! You ask the questions. You decide what Bay Curious investigates. And you join us on the journey to find the answers.","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/powerpress/1440_0017_BayCurious_iTunesTile_01.jpg","imageAlt":"\"KQED Bay Curious","officialWebsiteLink":"/news/series/baycurious","meta":{"site":"news","source":"kqed","order":"4"},"link":"/podcasts/baycurious","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bay-curious/id1172473406","npr":"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/500557090/bay-curious","rss":"https://ww2.kqed.org/news/category/bay-curious-podcast/feed/podcast","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93dzIua3FlZC5vcmcvbmV3cy9jYXRlZ29yeS9iYXktY3VyaW91cy1wb2RjYXN0L2ZlZWQvcG9kY2FzdA","stitcher":"https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kqed/bay-curious","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/6O76IdmhixfijmhTZLIJ8k"}},"bbc-world-service":{"id":"bbc-world-service","title":"BBC World Service","info":"The day's top stories from BBC News compiled twice daily in the week, once at weekends.","airtime":"MON-FRI 9pm-10pm, TUE-FRI 1am-2am","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/2021/10/BBC_1400.jpg","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/live:bbc_world_service","meta":{"site":"news","source":"BBC World Service"},"link":"/radio/program/bbc-world-service","subscribe":{"apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/global-news-podcast/id135067274?mt=2","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/BBC-World-Service-p455581/","rss":"https://podcasts.files.bbci.co.uk/p02nq0gn.rss"}},"code-switch-life-kit":{"id":"code-switch-life-kit","title":"Code Switch / Life Kit","info":"\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em>, which listeners will hear in the first part of the hour, has fearless and much-needed conversations about race. Hosted by journalists of color, the show tackles the subject of race head-on, exploring how it impacts every part of society — from politics and pop culture to history, sports and more.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em>, which will be in the second part of the hour, guides you through spaces and feelings no one prepares you for — from finances to mental health, from workplace microaggressions to imposter syndrome, from relationships to parenting. The show features experts with real world experience and shares their knowledge. Because everyone needs a little help being human.\u003cbr />\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510312/codeswitch\">\u003cem>Code Switch\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/lifekit\">\u003cem>Life Kit\u003c/em> offical site and podcast\u003c/a>\u003cbr />","airtime":"SUN 9pm-10pm","imageSrc":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/CodeSwitchLifeKit_StationGraphics_300x300EmailGraphic.png","meta":{"site":"radio","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/code-switch-life-kit","subscribe":{"apple":"https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/1112190608?mt=2&at=11l79Y&ct=nprdirectory","google":"https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnByLm9yZy9yc3MvcG9kY2FzdC5waHA_aWQ9NTEwMzEy","spotify":"https://open.spotify.com/show/3bExJ9JQpkwNhoHvaIIuyV","rss":"https://feeds.npr.org/510312/podcast.xml"}},"commonwealth-club":{"id":"commonwealth-club","title":"Commonwealth Club of California Podcast","info":"The Commonwealth Club of California is the nation's oldest and largest public affairs forum. 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The result is stories that inform and inspire, arming our listeners with information to right injustices, hold the powerful accountable and improve lives.Reveal is hosted by Al Letson and showcases the award-winning work of CIR and newsrooms large and small across the nation. In a radio and podcast market crowded with choices, Reveal focuses on important and often surprising stories that illuminate the world for our listeners.","airtime":"SAT 4pm-5pm","imageSrc":"https://ww2.kqed.org/radio/wp-content/uploads/sites/50/2018/04/reveal300px.png","officialWebsiteLink":"https://www.revealnews.org/episodes/","meta":{"site":"news","source":"npr"},"link":"/radio/program/reveal","subscribe":{"apple":"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/reveal/id886009669","tuneIn":"https://tunein.com/radio/Reveal-p679597/","rss":"http://feeds.revealradio.org/revealpodcast"}},"says-you":{"id":"says-you","title":"Says You!","info":"Public radio's game show of bluff and bluster, words and whimsy. 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