bloodybottleTwilight, True Blood, and Vampire Diaries are just three of the newest examples of how vampires refuse to go dustily into that good night. And they’re also why I found myself researching and writing VampireSmarts (“The Question & Answer Game that makes learning about Vampires before dating them easy & fun!”) and digging up some of the wildest information about vampires a few years ago.

While sticking to an all black wardrobe might be the easiest way to hide unsightly red stains, vampires cannot live in black alone. If you do happen to spill any of your liquid refreshment on your clothes, here are some handy tips on how to deal with the blotches.

Pomegranate or Cranberry Juice

First, saturate the stain with cool water. Next, combine 1 quart cool water, 1 tablespoon of white vinegar, and 1/2 teaspoon liquid detergent.

Let the garment (cape, velvet doublet, silk ascot, etc.) soak in the solution for 15 minutes before sluicing out with water. If the stain isn’t exorcised, dab at it with rubbing alcohol and rinse again. Finally, put the garment through the laundry using cold water only.

Red Wine

Hands down, the best way to deal with any wine stain is by spraying it with Wine Away, a miracle product.

Tomato Juice

Immediately attack the stain with cold water and a sponge and then rub it with a wedge of lemon. Finally, douse the area with water, squeeze out as much liquid as possible, and spread the garment out to dry.

Blood

Okay, if you must have blood or just happened to slice open your finger while cutting open a fresh pomegranate, here’s a particularly savory way to deal with any resulting stain.

Rub the affected area with a paste made out of powdered meat tenderizer and water. Let the paste interact with the stain for about 30 minutes. Rinse out the garment in a solution of 2 quarts cold water and 1 teaspoon ammonia. Rinse again with just cold water and lay the garment out in the sun to dry. (To avoid any ashes-to-ashes action, ask a friend or family member to tag in for this last step.)

Vampire Fruit

Did you know your fruit carried vampiric properties? According to Romany folklore watermelons and pumpkins that weren’t consumed after ten days would develop streaks of blood on their surface. If that’s not bizarre enough, these same fruits would also become “noisy” and “annoying” around the house.

Tip: eat your fruits before they go bad. (Har, har, har.)

Admittedly, the following facts have nothing to do with food, but I just had to share them. You’ll thank me later.

Crazy Ass Twins

If you can find a set of brother and sister twins who were born on a Saturday, you might have a chance at using them to fight off a vampire. Wait — don’t get too excited yet. What cinches the deal is if said twins happen to make a habit of wearing their unmentionables inside out. Exactly.

Apparently, Romany folklore — gotta love folklore when doing vampire research — recounts that the mere glimpse of such a duo would send a vampire screaming for cover. Well, wouldn’t you do the same?

Sockholm Syndrome

Reputedly, vampires are curiously attached to their socks, which probably explains why they prefer not to use a dryer. Since they are also afraid of water, one way of ridding yourself of a troublesome bloodsucker is to take his left sock (no idea why it must be the left one), fill it with rocks taken from the vamp’s grave, and toss it in running water. The hapless vampire will wander around, desperately searching for his sock, fall into the water, and accidentally drown himself.

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