Remember in my last post, I told you that I’ll always preamble with warning?
This time, the warning is: Do not read this if you have never wondered what Motion Lotion — yeah, I mean that kind of Motion and that kind of Lotion — tastes like.
But before we get to the lube groove, in the interest of those who confuse safe sex with fruit smoothies, let’s consider the flavored condom, purchased as part of a “Flavor Savor Pack“ for $15 from Good Vibes.
Paradise Strawberry: Artificial strawberry is never a good idea. Artificial strawberry a la latex is an even worse idea. But still, this is tolerable, sort of like a strawberry Starburst, but with far less charm.
Paradise Banana: Hands down revolting, chalky, and not even remotely banana-like, which you’d think someone could get right given the context.
Paradise Vanilla: Inoffensive but wilts in the face of two drawbacks: The flavor dissipates extremely quickly, and it comes in a rather alarming blue that seems to have no apparent connection to vanilla. I can only conclude that these were created for safe-sex conscious Smurfs who knew that the rest of the world didn’t want them to propagate.
Lifetyles Mint: The flavor lasts, and the cooling sensation remains on the palate. Definitely spearmint flavored, which tastes good but is unfortunate because then the condom couldn’t be paired with peppermint Altoids. Wait, is there a rule about that, sort of like Chardonnay+beef=private reservation in hell?
Bare with me a moment, I need to clear my palate with some jasmine tea…
…okay, now, for the bit you’ve all been waiting for, the Great Lube Taste-Off.
I tested two brands: Doc Johnson Motion Lotion, which is supposed to warm to the touch and heat when you blow on it and comes in a small sample size (probably about a little less than a tablespoon); and ID Juicy Lube, which my admittedly superficial research indicates is the world’s top selling edible lubricant and comes in a larger sample packet (about two tablespoons, which in my humble opinion, would make for a very sticky bed).
First, a word on method: Several I tried on a baguette, but most I tried by popping open the tube and squeezing onto my tongue, cocking my head thoughtfully, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes to search for the write words, then putting my lube-sticky little fingers to the keyboard.
Strawberry Motion Lotion/Hot Strawberry Motion Lotion: Fairly good, with slight but not intolerable hint of Robitussen. Unfortunately I don’t have any ice cream on hand, otherwise I would see if it would melt it.
Peach Juicy Lube: Very sweet and utterly nasty. Tastes like plastic. Reminds me of the smell of the butts of My Little Ponies.
Hot Cherry Motion Lotion: Now this was a surprise because I usually don’t like artificial cherry in any incarnation. Unfortunate tinge of Robitussen, but a nice little chili spunk that ignites the tongue. My favorite snack food in Thailand is fresh fruit dipped in sugar and chilli, so why not?
Watermelon Juicy Lube: Who knew watermelon was so bitter? Also un peu de Mon Petit Poney.
Wild Cherry Juicy Lube: More Little Pony butts stampeding across my palate, which I do not appreciate.
Bubblegum Blast Juicy Lube: Who on earth is this marketed to? Twelve-year-olds? I can’t even bring myself to taste it.
Ah, back to the Motion Lotion (ML). I feel safe.
Rasperry ML: Strangely not as good as Strawberry or Hot Cherry. In natural circumstances, I prefer raspberry over both strawberry and cherry, but apparently not in lubricant.
Passion Fruit ML/Hot Passion Fruit ML: All fruit, but not a hint of passion. Both versions taste of plastic.
Big Banana ML: The banana flavor is subtle, but discernable. But why “Big” Banana? I’ve never noticed a taste difference between large and small bananas, have you?
Good god, still have two more. Bay Area Bites is trying to kill me.
Lemon Lime ML: For the love of god! This tastes like cheap toilet bowl detergent, like the kind that made the bathroom in high school smell bad. Use this if you want to dump someone: How to lose a guy in one lick.
Coconut ML: Unfortunately, coconut, in this incarnation, is not strong enough to overcome the bitterness of the lube. Steer clear.
So, here I am, utterly nauseous left with a desk strewn with lube packets and lube on my keyboard, which in other circumstances and if I were a boy, would be incriminating.
But I hate leftovers…
And so I unveil the Berry Passion Slicker, which I am sure will soon be the rage at all the hip cocktail parties:
• one shot of vodka
• fresh passion-orange juice (straight orange juice will do, but that’s less fun)
• 1.5 packets Strawberry Motion Lotion (reserve remaining half-packet for lip gloss).
If anyone deserves a drink right now, I do.
And when you see the Berry Passion Slicker on Desperate Housewives or at your next pre-orgy mixer, remember: You saw it here first.