We Wish You a Merry Cheesemas

Over at Ye Olde Stanke Cheeseshoppe, we are quite serious about our cheese. However, there are times -- especially in moments of high stress -- when we also get quite silly about it.

There has long been a tradition of one cheesemonger or another suddenly bursting into song as they pull the wire through a round or as they offer a taste of something to a customer. Although the customer might be taken aback by this behavior, I assure you it is perfectly normal. It is also perfectly normal for another cheesemonger to chime in on the next verse. But if you listen closely, you'll realize that, while you recognize the tune, the words are a totally different story (I do believe that "Meaux! Meaux! Meaux! How do you like it? How do you like it?" is nice and catchy). See, the longer you Work in Cheese, the more you likely you are to realize how many songs can be made up about cheese, glorious cheese. Especially when you're all hopped up on hot chocolate flights.

There are times when we've even chewed over the idea of burning our own CD and calling it "Cheesemonger's Delight" or something. At any rate, with the constant Christmas carols being pounded into my head no matter where I go, it was just a matter of time before I fully cracked and started coming up with lyrics. So, here are a few Cheesemas carols to speed you on your merry way.

Oh, Christmas Cheese, Oh Christmas Cheese

Oh, Christmas Cheese, Oh Christmas Cheese
How lovely is thy bloomy rind
Oh, Christmas Cheese, Oh Christmas Cheese
Not only ripe in summer's heat
But also paired with salty meat
Oh, Christmas Cheese, Oh Christmas Cheese
How lovely is thy bloomy rind

God Rest Ye Merry, Cheesemonger

God rest ye merry, cheesemonger; let's plan a large buffet.
Remember, Mozz, our sa-a-vior will sell out every day
So shave us all some Parmesan while we cut more Ouray.
O tidings of Roquefort and joy, Roquefort and joy!
O tidings of Roquefort and joy!

In Pyrenees, in Switzerland, some lovely cheese was formed,
And aged within a natural rind upon this sav'ry morn;
The which to all great e-ea-ters is nothing but cheese porn.
O tidings of Roquefort and joy, Roquefort and joy!
O tidings of Roquefort and joy!

From Greece our island partner, a blessed Feta came;
And unto certain mo-on-ngers brought tastings of the same;
And there was some nice Ardrahan that sort of causes stains.
O tidings of Roquefort and joy, Roquefort and joy!
O tidings of Roquefort and joy!

Silent Cheese

Silent Cheese, Holey Cheese
All is Tomme, all is Bries
'Round of Che-eh-der
Monger and wire

Holey Stilton so stinky and dire
Cheese, oh HEA-ven-ly, chee-EESE!
Chee-eese, oh hea-ven-ly, cheese.

O, Come All Ye Mongers

O come, all ye mongers,
Tired yet still patient,
O eat ye, O e-eat ye some Mo-on-tegrappa
Come taste our Poacher, pair it with a Chardonnay
O come, let us pre-cut it,
O come, let us pre-cut it,
O come, let us pre-cut it,
Brie de Meaux.

Slice, wires of mongers,
Slice in quick rotation;
Slice all the Fougerous of heaven above:
Fourme of Ambert, Fourme is the priciest
O come, let us pre-cut it,
O come, let us pre-cut it,
O come, let us pre-cut it,
Brie de Meaux

Here We Come A-Mongering

Here we come a-mongering among the cheese and cream
Here we come a-wiring so fair to be seen.
Brie and chevre wrapped for you.
And to you glad Gruyere too.
And Gouda bless you and send you a stinky New Year.
And Gouda send you a stinky New Year.

I told my mother about them and when I got to "roquefort and joy," she could only groan, "Oh, Steph-ie, that's awful!" She also didn't think our family friend and opera star Janis Hardy could be induced to sing them the next time she makes an appearance on Garrison Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion." Oh, the world can be such a cruel, punless place!