Halloween for Wusses: 5 Events that Aren't Scary (or Slutty)

Doug Loves Scary Movies Podcast

Oct. 30
Cobb’s Comedy Club, 915 Columbus Avenue, SF
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Sure, it’s the day before Halloween but we should all be thankful that Doug Benson is coming to San Francisco to tape the Halloween-version of his consistently hilarious podcast, Doug Loves Movies. A podcast that’s consistently produced multiple episodes weekly since it began in 2006, Doug Loves Movies consists of Benson bringing on three or four (typically) hilarious guests — mostly comedians and actors — to talk about films and play a series of movie-related games. And because the upcoming taping occurs on Halloween, the crowd is going to (hopefully) be decked out in ornate, movie-referencing costumes and be holding eye-catching signs or “name tags.” It won’t be obvious why so many people will have over-sized, over-the-top name tags; but once he starts playing “The Leonard Maltin Game,” you’ll figure it out.

Haunted: A Literary Gathering

Oct. 31, 7pm
Doc’s Lab, 124 Columbus Ave, SF
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Scary stories — that’s more my speed. Even Stephen King at his earliest and most intense didn’t write anything that could give a weak-willed man a heart attack. Sure, you might get the shivers once or twice during a good yarn, but nothing is going to burn an image in your retinas that’ll make it difficult to sleep at night. Then again, it is fun for writers to try! As the title indicates, this evening of readings will explore what it means to be haunted just in time for the Day of the Dead.

One look at the lineup and you know you’re going to get some top shelf storytelling performances: Evan Karp (founder of Quiet Lightning), Ivan Hernandez (host of the prose-reading show “Give Me Fiction”) and Tomas Moniz (founder/editor of Rad Dad magazine) are just a few examples.

Iceage, Vaniish

Oct. 31, 9:30pm
Elbo Room, 647 Valencia Street, SF
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Maybe you don’t feel like getting poop-in-your-pants scared or going to some uncomfortable dungeon/S&M bar, but you want to dress up in your best goth duds and dance the night away. Then I highly suggest heading to the Elbo Room to catch Iceage and Vaniish. It’s a safe bet; local electro-gothers Vaniish are guaranteed to bring you the dose of depression to the dance beats you so desire.

As for Iceage, with their new album Plowing Into the Field of Love, this group of prolific Danes are trying their hands at more Nick Cave-style ballad rock and doing a good interpretation. But when they just let themselves be the youthful, energized mopey punks they were on their first two albums, they’re practically unstoppable. I took off work on a Monday to see these guys the first time they came to San Francisco and it was absolutely worth its weight in PTO.

13th Annual Murder Ballad Bash

Oct. 31, 8pm
Starry Plough, 3101 Shattuck Avenue, Berkeley
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What if you don’t want to dance? What if you’d rather brood a little over a pint and watch some serious singer-songwriter types beautifully moan about murder? Well you’re going to have to go to Berkeley for that. Factor in the talent of the performers on the bill — Penelope Houston (of the almighty Avengers), Tim Heyman, Joe Rut — and expect to be moved more than once by songs of death and despair.

The Final Trannyshack

Oct. 31, 11pm
Beatbox, 314 Eleventh Street, SF
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Last but definitely not least, if you’re looking for a great time that won’t result in hiding under the sheets (unless it’s with someone else…), I can’t recommend The Final Trannyshack enough. A tradition that began in 1996 (with a two-year break from 2008-2010) and became San Francisco’s premiere drag show, Trannyshack is practically a guaranteed good time. That’s why it has won a bunch of “Best of the Bay” awards over the years, featured guests like Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga, and even had a documentary made about it. Hosted by the always hilarious Heklina and Peaches Christ, expect over-the-top costumes (who dresses up better than drag queens?) and seriously bawdy humor. What more do you want from Halloween?

It should also be noted that this will be the last Trannyshack ever; Helkina informed KQED that the night will be re-branded (new name forthcoming) and will be held at a new venue.