SC: Bear clowns and dead Portuguese people.
I read somewhere that you’re working on a piece of fiction. Who are someof your idols in that realm and what might this book be like?
SC: I am, but who isn’t, right? Well, my super, that’s who. He’s working on not responding to texts regarding my shower drain. Then the othernight, he full-on scolded me for texting him after 8pm to confirm anappointment. Is that poor form, to text in the evening? Mind you, thisis his primary means of communication and one initiated by him. I don’thave his email. It’s like: don’t even think of picturing my face oncethe sun goes down. Sorry, what? Oh, I love a lot of people living anddead who have written fiction. If I could write one paragraph half asgood as Lorrie Moore, Sam Lipsyte, Jim Shepard, Michael Chabon, DaveEggers or Junot Diaz, I would go ahead and do that.
In an interview you gave a couple of years back, you eulogized the deathof slap bracelets. What other relics of your youth do you miss? Whatkind of kid were you?
SC: A short one. And probably one of those kids thatseems like an 80-year-old trapped in an 8-year-old. I missJELLO 1-2-3. God knows what they put in the gelatin to make it splitinto three different textures in your refrigerator.
You’ve called lying “conversational oil.” What’s the biggest lie youever told and did you get away with it?
Sloane Crosley: I’m sure I tell some doozies to myself. I can’t think of them, they’re so embedded in who I am. The most constant is likely pretending not to speak English around insane cab drivers.
Do, Dump, or Marry (Full House edition): Uncle Jessie, Danny Tanner,Uncle Joey. Please explain your choices.
SC: Uncle Joey gets dumped. Clearly. In life, Ialways go for the clown. But with the same force, I flee from theunfunny clown. Plus, I remember a great deal of tropical shirts forhis character. The accuracy of this is irrelevant since it’s how I thinkof him. But here’s the twist — I would do Danny Tanner and marry UncleJessie. I think Danny would secretly be amazing in that regard, but thatcould be influenced by what the world knows of comedian Bob Sagetpost-Full House. Similarly with Uncle Jessie. Hi: Stamos. What wasgood enough for Rebecca for a few years is good enough for me and likelyfor the same duration of time. I would not be signing a prenup,needless to say. But as for the characters themselves: Danny Tanner hasbeen widowed, right? He is going to be so tender and lovely andgrateful for the touch of a lady. And Uncle Jesse is a rebel, sure, butwith a heart of gold. And darn it all to heck, if he doesn’t love kids.
